things you wish your practitioners knew about DD/DID

I wish, when in the hospital, they knew that when I can't move or talk, it's not on purpose to ruin their day; that I am in a semi-catatonic state and need THEIR HELP to get unstuck - not called unresponsive or -oh what's the word... there's a word and I forgot.
Then they leave and I'm still stuck there.
I wish my therapist knew by now who my alters are and not just say "Whoever".
I wish my dr didn't freak out when I go silent and can't talk - but I can still nod. That she'd just let me be and let me leave so I can deal with it myself on my own.

What do you wish?

I wish my P'doc noticed/acknowledged the shifts in parts. I wish he understood them more.

I wish my t would briefly acknowledge the stuff we discussed the session before. I sometimes think she has no idea what we talked about the session before. I know it is a different kind of therapy but it helps us to trust that she cares. I think t's get stuck in the DID therapeutic model and not all my parts respond to the same approach.

Yes. My med nurse can tell when I've switched and is pretty good about knowing (or at least caring) who is in; but my T seems... odd. And she's a DID clinician. But she'll say my name, and I shake my head and she'll say "whoever". It is discounting. I really need to address this with her. I'm grateful you brought this up, Possum.

Do you think you can educate him on it? Maybe write something in advance so it isn't something that comes up in the moment? Or write up typical traits your insiders present so that he can tell who is who? I am hoping you can get some more support around this.
Hugs!

Do you want to say what kind of therapy it is? Like with Possum, is that something that can be brought up to her? That you'd like to do a brief overview of last time before starting each session? That sounds important. I've noticed that my T will start with that if I ended as a different person than when I left and there was dialog I might not have known about. That ended up being a good thing because I thought I was co-conscious with that other adult alter and found out that she can have convos without my knowledge. Even though I KNOW I was there for some of it, there were parts I definitely missed. Thanks for responding.

I wish my t understood how disconnected I can be. I think she might understand if it were DID, but she seems to think I have more connection than I do. When there's a particular emotion, I can't connect either to the intellectual stuff or different emotions. When I'm on the intellectual side of things, I can't grasp the emotional...

I did mention it to her once. She said that that type of therapy isn't what we are doing. I can't recall what she called that type of therapy. I didn't push it because she was fixed on her approach. I guess it is the safest way to be. But it took me a long time before I learned that I didn't always know what was said in therapy by other parts. I too thought I was totally co conscious with my parts. I now understand that that is not so. I have three groups of parts, Each group are co conscious with one another in the group. (for the most part) But each group is not always aware of what the other group says, thinks or feels. That was a very tough thing to learn and difficult to accept. I haven't been seeing my t for the last three months. I took a break. Therapy helps me move forward because I can not hide from our DID. Being without therapy makes it easier to put off dealing with
issues associated with DID. I should go back but I have to get my finances in order to do so. Sorry for the ramble. Thanks for your input.

Hm! Seems odd that she doesn't get that... she knows you're on the dissociative spectrum, right? It is my experience that many of us have a hard time grasping emotional stuff. That's across the board for people in therapy. Or we may be able to reach one emotion, but not another, or have one in particular that we can't access (like anger, for me). One signal my T is picking up on is that when I get disconnected, and irritated about it, I start playing with one of the toys in the basket (she has several of those stretchy balls or light up balls. I always pick up the light up ball when agitated). What clues might you be able to give T that you are disconnected?
I think it can be hard to even give a name to our emotions. Like we weren't schooled in these things, you know? So that might be a place to start. Like I could access sarcasm, or sardonic humor, but not "anger". Old T had to spell it out for me.

I appreciate the ramble I find it helpful to talk through these things - especially with DD/DID things can get confusing quickly and having an outlet where we can name things, or ask questions, really helps. It helps me, anyway. That is interesting that you have been able to see three distinct groupings of parts. Brain mapping can be really useful. I find mine is in constant re-grouping. I, too, am finding that I am not as co-conscious as I thought I was. Frustrating. But also good info for me so I can work on it with that alter. Thanks.

I wish my T would ask more about my parts so they would feel safer to come out. Only one has & it's been thru email only.
Sometimes she acknowledges that there is a change & welcomes it, but that's it. It's just too scary to make any presence known & they want so badly to trust her & have a voice. Their dying for her attention!

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I have read here that a lot of little ones come out when they are playing or drawing. Does your t ever do stuff like that.

Claritytoo
My T hasn't done any of that. We've been focusing more on PTSD & emdr work. I've been waiting for over a yr for more movement to understand these parts but she seems to b in no hurry.
The anger part is always right on the surface ready to explode out & I do everything possible to make sure it doesn't. I don't think I could control the rage, the destruction it would like to do to that office & the SI it would like to do to me.
So I wait.

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When I started therapy my rage was always to my right just a bit in front of me. He was ready to attack if he thought there was a threat. As the years moved on my rage is behind me to my right when I am in therapy. He is always there but I think he no longer sees my t as a threat. But when my little ones are very near the outside he becomes very present because of the fear we have about seeing what happened to us. So my t was taking her time also. I still am not sure what my rage might do if we see and feel what happened to us. And when he is in control we just close our eyes until he is done. I wanted my t to go faster in the beginning but now I think it is ok to go slow until I know rage will be ok with us knowing.

I agree - this is important for safety for the system. Seems so many will "only work with those that present themselves" or "I will only work with the adult self". I've had both those things said to me. :/ The others likely won't come out - like you say - if they don't feel safe enough to trust an outsider. (or mine might come out if something T says REALLY pisses them off). I wonder if your T thinks it would be a good idea or not for others to come out, or if she would welcome change but doesn't want to push you? I hope for you that there will be more comfort there to work with. Thanks for posting!
Kiya

A really good suggestion - My T and I were just talking about that today; she will think about bringing in some small puzzles that we can work on together to allow my mind to stop freezing up and be able to talk. I get so guarded. There is paper and a box of crayons for one young alter to access when she wants it, but it isn't a natural go-to. Thanks for bringing it up Claritytoo!

Anger - or blind rage in our case - was a big deal! But that was before I started therapy. I think? Timelines are hard. I felt very unsafe and like I would be a danger to people. I truly was blind when the rage hit. But I eventually learned to pull back on it. I've never let it out in therapy - or really ever again except 4 rare moments (over the last 15 years).
It still scares me. Old T kept saying I still needed to deal with anger, and I was like "That's nice. Good luck". I don't want to deal with it. I don't want it to gain control again. I hope you are able to continue to make those choices in favor of safety for you and your therapist. Anger is important - I just don't know how to address it safely. I am told it can be a strength and a tool, but I don't trust that yet. Really good conversation!

Yes this post has been extremely helpful! My H doesn't even kno what DID stands for so I don't talk to anyone about it & I'm extremely lonely.
My anger, my T says, is a protector & can also be a fire fighter to calm the rage. I don't think I ever wanto deal w/the rage or what the root of it is. I think it's too overwhelming.

This may sound strange, but wondered if anyone else has this. I can feel my parts take over according to the genre of music I play. Weird eh?! So sometimes I can purposely play a type of music in my ear phones while walking into an appt to set the appt up. Usually I feel it's being used as a defense mechanism esp if I kno I'm going to be asked to talk. Some music makes me go silent.
I have no idea if that made any sense.

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just a thought....maybe you and your therapist havent had a problem with or you are nto going through what ever that alter's job, purpose, reason for being is....

example many of my alters did not as you say "come out" during therapy. this wasnt because they were scared or uncomfortable with my therapist. it was because what we were discussing wasnt part of what those alters jobs, purpose reasons for being was.

example none of my intimate alters would come out during therapy unless my treatment provider and I were talking about sex. none of my alters that handled anxiety would come out during therapy unless I was feeling anxious/having a panic attach during therapy, the alters who's job purpose reason for being was to fight/stand up for me, the internal system would not "come out" unless my therapist and I were having a fight about something.

DID type alters are a very special kind of alters and whether they "come out" or not doesnt always depend upon whether the host or alters feel comfortable, or whether the treatment provider asks about them, calls them out or what ever along this line. .......most if not all times..... its about what causes the host to dissociate and that alters job, purpose reason for being...

one thing about DID is that alters can not come out if the host is not dissociated/triggered (positive or negative trigger) by something, thats why this disorder is called a dissociative disorder

so maybe like my internal system you are in the present moment/fully aware /not dissociating during therapy or you and your treatment provider are for lack of better words ...too comfortable...during therapy for these alters to come out.

Im also wondering if there is something about the music that you are playing that is triggering (upsetting/uncomfortable for you or too emotionally filled otherwise for you to handle) my reason for wondering this is people dont mentally run away (dissociate) from things /feelings/emotions that they are ok with and can handle doing/feeling.

example one song repeatedly caused me to dissociate to the point of switching into an alter. upon further investigating this with my treatment provider it was discovered a favorite relative of mine who had died used to play that song. my mind would dissociate when ever this song came on the radio or I played it because I was feeling all kinds of heavy/hard to handle emotions/memories of that favorite relative. once we discovered this, this song no longer caused me to dissociate/switch into that alter.

maybe even though you are purposely playing this song with the express purpose of causing yourself to dissociate (feel numb, space out switch into an alter) maybe unconsciously you are triggering a painful memory/painful emotion /painful event that your mind has dissociated from your awareness because you could not handle it. if this is the case you may end up doing more harm then good. I know some people who purposely caused their self to remember things/trigger dissociating and the result was devistating. some some hosts and alters ended up suicidal, psychotic, those alters who's job, purpose reason for being was to protect the secrets and make sure the "do not tell" rule was followed ended up trying to kill /punish the host and alters that were triggering /trying to force things to go faster then they (the host and internal system could handle)

my suggestion talk with your treatment providers, let them know you are purposely triggering yourself to have your dissociative problems/symptoms (yes switching into alters is considered a dissociative problem/symptom in mental health terms).

they can help you to work on things in a safe environment and with emergency plans in place so that if you and your treatment providers decide to continue to purposely cause you to have more dissociative symptoms/problems like purposely dissociating/switching into alters...

this way too you and your treatment providers can discuss the possible legal /ethical ramifications in your location that you may be accidentally putting your treatment providers in by not informing them that you are doing this example here in NY is illegal and unethical for treatment providers to do this knowingly and unknowingly, due to risk factors and false memory syndrome and therapist induced psychosis/mental disorders. here when treatment providers find out their clients are purposely causing their mental disorders to escalate (have more symptoms) they have to take a break (in case the issue is one of where clients are doing it to please their treatment provider rather than get healthy) and then work on stability. Sometimes a 72 hour hold/evaluation is done to make sure the client doesnt have any self harm/suicidal/homicidal reactions residual affects from this from the host or alters.

Baby steps! Letting the rage out in bite size portions is important so that it doesn't consume us! But bottling it up also consumes us. Tricky balance. Thanks for posting!!

I also do this with some songs (or the songs from movies will loop in my head which will cause certain emotions and thus certain alters will respond. I will also do this with movies - or I don't know which comes first; I'm in a mood and choose a DVD that will increase the mood, or I am in an altered state and that alter will choose a triggering movie.

What about when we as clients call our Ts in times of crisis? I find that I KNOW I don't want to because it won't do any good - and then I give in because I've injured or I feel like I will or I'm dissociated or .... all the reasons we call for help) and then T - like, all of them that I've seen- say things like "well... what do you usually do to get grounded?" Or the classic one (that I got tonight) "Why don't you try (fill in the blank - tonight's was 'watch a movie') and then if you're still not feeling back to yourself, then call me back - I'll take calls until x time." "I'll check in tomorrow".
What do you feel?
I felt shame
then "i KNEW it. I TOLD you. we never should have called."
I feel like Ts don't really know what to do for us in times of need and just hope we'll come up with something. Like they say these things just to (as this T put it the other day) 'cover their a..." just in case something bad happens they can say "Of course, I told her to try to use a coping mechanism, then call back if it didn't work."
What are your thoughts?

I used to tell my therapist I wish she wouldnt do what you posted here. her reply was...therapy is all about healing, growing stronger, and being able to take care of one self and ones own problems. how can a therapist teach that if they are constantly solving the problems for the client. by my suggesting to you to find something. thats a way of my saying to you, I have faith in you, you can do this, you know what to do, I have given you all the tools I can on this and now its time for you to spread your wings and fly with what you have learned. plus Im no good to you if Im not good to me first and one of the things I need is time to sleep. I cant give all my nights to my clients. my nights are mine unless extreme emergency ...She had a point. the next session my therapist and I spent our time making a list of things I can do for when I am having a problem that is not an extreme emergency (suicide, homicide, self injury ...things that would get a person hospitalized type stuff). now when I want my therapist during a crisis in the night I pull out my list of questions and things to do my therapist and I came up with to assess whether I should call her or handle it myself and how to handle it myself.

now my wish for my therapist is that she knows she is loved/cared about and I accept that she needs her home time in order to be the best therapist she can be.

They are only human. Most times they don't have an answer for us espically over the phone. When I called my t it helped just to talk to someone who knew about us. She didn't give me a magical way to get out of my pain and confusion. She, also sugested I ground myself. (I use Ice). I hadn't thought of it, so I did and it helped. I called her because I wanted to know she would be there when I needed her. She is but not in the way that I thought it would be. We are not friends or family. We have a professional relationship where she has to maintain a therapeutic distance. What I wanted in that moment was someone who could make me feel safe. But that isn't our relationship. I know she wants the best for me and will help me to find my way. But she will never be the one who makes me feel safe. Inevitably that has to be me. She is just a part of a support system similar to this blog. A place I can go and be myself while trying to figure out how I got here and where I want to go.

A very wise outlook. I was goig to say more, but it sounds too cheesy in my head. A lot of people never get to where you are with that issue. I get it "logically"... emotionally is another story.