Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

So sick of this crap!! I hate this dx i hate living with all of these opinions and thoughts that aren't mine!!! I just wanna hear one voice one POV and be able to know what is going on!! Not to be constantly having to pretend and defend and deny never knowing if i'm being lied to and blamed cuz someone knows that i am not aware of the outside world always or if one of us truly did something wrong and then feeling guilty about stuff that i have no clue if i should be owning up to or not!!! I just want it to all stop!!!! Aaarrrggghh!!!

(((((hugs)))))
has something pasific happened to make you feel this way...?

i'm sick of the question, "can we have a doggy"

no. we can't.

i'm not in a good place to own a doggy

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

(((((hugs)))))
has something pasific happened to make you feel this way...?

There has been a lot of unheaval both inside and out lately and some major life stressor as well...but also the older we get the less functional. It's hard to keep things straight, keep any kind of job or friends or relationships...esp when I might be doing really well socially and have friends I value...then poof I'm gone and who ever is now in body either doesn't know my friend, or doesn't like them, or is just socially awkward. Msgs, appts, resonsibilities, events get ignored... password get changed, accounts get deleted or more created. N then I wake up again could be a day...longest was 5 yrs! Tho I have been told that I was occasionally in body during that time but still no memories. Then I either try to contact ppl N get no response, confusing stuff, where you been and then I gotta make up something quick. Feels down right awful... when things work at best I am not completely blindsided either prepped with general timeliness knowledge or things I need to respond to are provided from upstairs when I am asked. But nothing lasts! Nothing sticks... and a lot of us just don't get along! It's all a big disorganized mindf***!

brouzing through diffrent versions of the song, "how much is that doggy in the window?"

can't get a dog for octavia but can get doggy related things (pictures songs, stories, etc)

I've been on the verge of crying for days. Today our anxiety has been riding high past prehypertension.

If I had tranqs I wouldn't be drinking today.

Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

There has been a lot of unheaval both inside and out lately and some major life stressor as well...but also the older we get the less functional. It's hard to keep things straight, keep any kind of job or friends or relationships...esp when I might be doing really well socially and have friends I value...then poof I'm gone and who ever is now in body either doesn't know my friend, or doesn't like them, or is just socially awkward. Msgs, appts, resonsibilities, events get ignored... password get changed, accounts get deleted or more created. N then I wake up again could be a day...longest was 5 yrs! Tho I have been told that I was occasionally in body during that time but still no memories. Then I either try to contact ppl N get no response, confusing stuff, where you been and then I gotta make up something quick. Feels down right awful... when things work at best I am not completely blindsided either prepped with general timeliness knowledge or things I need to respond to are provided from upstairs when I am asked. But nothing lasts! Nothing sticks... and a lot of us just don't get along! It's all a big disorganized mindf***!

((((((((((((((((Super hugs)))))))))))))))))))

[lucidity11]

Just spent the afternoon with my son and grandchildren. I love them all but my son does not speak to me in a caring way. His demeanor and dismissive attitude makes me feel bad about myself. I am not sure why he has turned out like this toward me. He had a safe upbringing, nothing like mine. I am realizing it would be difficult for me to live with with him even for a month. It would enable me to save a little money but it wouldn't be worth the toll on my self esteem.

It's been a hard week at work. The actual work is cake for us....it's just dealing with the co-employee personalities: they are so weird and diverse- too much so that we have a system overload to a breakdown. Do you know what I mean? I'm sure you do and would like to hear so to feel somewhat normal for the likes of us.

tv catch up today and mcdonalds.

embarrassed that out of a 7 day week, ive had 4 takeouts, but hey. always struggled with food

[lucidity11]

today during therapy i had something different happen. I have parts who wanted to be out at session but my t wanted to talk about my son. one part who drives was trying to answer my t's question but one of us still wanted to be out. so talking was hard because we don't all have the same vocabulary. so one is trying to say one thing and the other doesn't use those words. there felt like there were at least three of us in the conversation. it was frustrating and my head hurt after. the rest of the day i stayed in the house. didn't want to have to talk to anyone.

[Patagonia]

I have this one part that is very evil. It enjoys pain & suffering. It doesn't care. It has pieces of my father in it. It likes to destroy & watch me suffer.
"Oh is that sentimental & you like it? Well it's trash now & im burning it for safe measure!" It says I need to be clean. Likes space & the emptiness of it.
"Oh you made a lunch date with an old friend? Well it's cancelled! You don't need that!"

Then I'm left with the regret of its destruction. Things I wanted to keep are now gone & things I wanted that might lift my mood are gone too.
I hate this part of me! I hate the lonely empty space it puts me in & tells me I deserve it & must stay there. I'm evil & need to be alone.

Why. What does this part want? It hates sympathy or kindness. It makes the rage worse. It just seeks total destruction. And sometimes I just give into it.

[cheshiregrins]

I'm not coping well lately- see my Overstimulation thread. Why does coming back into the world have to be so terrifying and loud and horrible? Right now I'd rather live in a dissociated bubble. I made an emergency appt. with my Shrink for tomorrow, instead of waiting a week and a half, so hopefully he'll have some insight.

[cheshiregrins]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I have this one part that is very evil. It enjoys pain & suffering. It doesn't care. It has pieces of my father in it. It likes to destroy & watch me suffer.
"Oh is that sentimental & you like it? Well it's trash now & im burning it for safe measure!" It says I need to be clean. Likes space & the emptiness of it.
"Oh you made a lunch date with an old friend? Well it's cancelled! You don't need that!"

Then I'm left with the regret of its destruction. Things I wanted to keep are now gone & things I wanted that might lift my mood are gone too.
I hate this part of me! I hate the lonely empty space it puts me in & tells me I deserve it & must stay there. I'm evil & need to be alone.

Why. What does this part want? It hates sympathy or kindness. It makes the rage worse. It just seeks total destruction. And sometimes I just give into it.

I have an evil state too, and when that part takes over, all hell breaks loose. I just have to remember that that part is so aggressive and seemingly evil because its job was to protect my child part from getting hurt again. It's the Protector, so now when there's a threat to part of me, that part gets kicked into high gear, acting out, acting aggressive etc. I remind my system that I (the capable adult) can take care of the child now. I don't need a protector. It works sometimes.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I have this one part that is very evil. It enjoys pain & suffering. It doesn't care. It has pieces of my father in it. It likes to destroy & watch me suffer.
"Oh is that sentimental & you like it? Well it's trash now & im burning it for safe measure!" It says I need to be clean. Likes space & the emptiness of it.
"Oh you made a lunch date with an old friend? Well it's cancelled! You don't need that!"

Then I'm left with the regret of its destruction. Things I wanted to keep are now gone & things I wanted that might lift my mood are gone too.
I hate this part of me! I hate the lonely empty space it puts me in & tells me I deserve it & must stay there. I'm evil & need to be alone.

Why. What does this part want? It hates sympathy or kindness. It makes the rage worse. It just seeks total destruction. And sometimes I just give into it.

I (we) had a part that was very, very similar. For years we were terrified of her.
In the end it turned out that everything she did was a misguided attempt to protect us, even though - on the face of it - everything she did tortured, isolated, punished and hurt us. She too destroyed our things, sabotaged our relationships and did everything in her power to keep us 'in check'.

Over several years in therapy and with the Ts help we gradually became aware of her cycle - she would be triggered out in response to system progress in therapy and then would 'rampage' for several days in an almost ritualistic set of steps of preparation to destroy us completely. She would take us right up to the edge of the abyss and then switch out.
We started to notice that she *had* to do this stuff... and then once she had done her job she would leave (until the next time). But we began to realise that she never achieved her end goal of total destruction (death) and so we stopped fearing her. We learned to observe, and wait patiently, letting her do what she had to do. She still raged and rampaged, but over time we learned to have compassion for her. Even love. (As she systematically prepared to destroy us!)

In the end we - and then she - realised that she was just a terrified, traumatised kid. (She was in her late teens, but at the heart of it she was really just a terrified little kid.) She held a lot of the self hate for us. She directed it at *us*, as the abusers did, but it was really for herself. By holding those feelings and containing them, isolating them from the others she allowed us to live.

I think sometimes the most destructive parts of ourselves can be our greatest protectors although their actions may, on the face of it, seem quite the opposite.

almost finished damaged by cathy glass

thank god.. lots of relatable stuff in that book, and though it's a good book, it has to bhe the hardest one to read so far

trying to get more in to reading.. this week i've been trying for at least an hour a night (compared to the usual 10 15 minits)

[Patagonia]

One thing I've learned about being on the dissociative spectrum is that this is very time consuming. That leads me to...again....anger.
Everything takes forever to process when I have to listen for so long. It's sooo time consuming to make decisions or even to talk! I've definitely noticed I take a back seat in conversations anymore. I'm scared to open my mouth.

Also a decision is never final. I think something is decided & then a week or month or yrs later the decision is brought out again & has to be rehashed.
Again the time thing.
We move on a glacial speed timeline.

Sherri: Omg...I'm so tired and hurting all the time. The workers work hard pain free but it tears me up. Why can't I be more like them, pain tolerant?

Our job has become time consuming (thank God for the distraction from all this) for about 40-50 hours a week.

Now that it's been a few months there, we've figured out our groove and all past "issues" within us and at our place of employment has been resolved- for now.

We still do that switchy thing, but we have a leader that keeps us centered on our immediate activities: distractions and thoughts that are immediate triggers.

But all that seems like so not my business, I'm just glad that they got it under control. Today I'm going to treat myself to a scrub and maybe do some shopping, not much though because we are destined to be moving here in about a month so we are saving up for it.

[cheshiregrins]

Struggling lately as I've been more aware of my condition, ironically. I long for the days when I thought I was bipolar or just moody and had no idea I had DID. The amnesia is the worst. I don't have complete amnesia, like not remembering what I did in another state but I have emotional amnesia still, which seems worse- half remembering. I had such a good day on Thursday, feeling connected and reassured by my Shrink and then had a really great, long conversation with a work friend- haven't done this in years. Then bam, the next day it's gone. I can still remember that I did connect to those people at the time and that I felt good/happy/safe, but I can't remember what that feels like anymore. My Shrink and my work friend, when I think of them now, might as well be strangers or just objects or characters in a book- I have no connection/relationship with them. This is the worst part of DID- the half remembering.

[Maxsi]

We're having trouble communicating with each other, which is bad because I can't deal with negative emotions. My role is to help us be happy and enjoy life. Maxie handles all of the serious things because he doesn't feel things as strongly. Normally when I can't deal with something and I'm in a stressful situation, he switches in and I half-watch him do a really good job at fixing the problem. Now I don't have a way to contact him easily, and I really need a break from Life Stuff.

trialling something new in the journal.

"open diologue"

writing down what the alters say as they are saying it

why... i don't know.

will it help?. probably not in the long run

am i going to continue doing it?

yes... probably

Everything changes. Karen, our teenster has been embarrassed off of here....so has a few others. Live and learn is what I say.

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Everything changes. Karen, our teenster has been embarrassed off of here....so has a few others. Live and learn is what I say.

i hope it's nothing that was said on this forum

are they okay?. (the embarrassed ones)

They'll be fine. We get out of control sometimes and we usually crash in embarrassment. It's like a cycle, you know.

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

trialling something new in the journal.

"open diologue"

writing down what the alters say as they are saying it

why... i don't know.

will it help?. probably not in the long run

am i going to continue doing it?

yes... probably

I found doing exactly that to be very helpful in getting parts to know other parts and to understand each other. Which has led to better co-consciousness and even some integration.

Originally Posted by kecanoe

I found doing exactly that to be very helpful in getting parts to know other parts and to understand each other. Which has led to better co-consciousness and even some integration.

thanks for the encouragement

it felt stupid when i wrote it all out (like 1 massive diologue) like in a play, but now you mention it.. yeah i see your points