i feel like...

i feel like im doing the wrong thing, like i shouldn't be here talking to yall...
like im just making stuff up... like im putting on a show and to yall it may seem like maybe i do have d.i.d. (or not) but maybe i dont and i dont want anyone to think that im misleading anyone or think that im being manipulative...

i dont want to get in trouble and i dont want anyone to get the wrong idea about me, i dont even want anyone to think about me or have feelings for me... i dont want anyone to be manipulated or believe falsely about me...
i dont want to hurt anyone....

im having a hard time... the truth is i have been on this merry-go-round thing of exploring dissociation this whole year, i read about d.i.d. and it seemed really like what i experience but i feel like a fraud for thinking i could have it... so some times(days, hours, minutes, whatever because it changes fast) i feel like yes! i have it! for crying out loud! and other times i feel really like no its impossible...

what i know about myself is that i experience major depression, anxiety, i have amnesia and really hard (impossible) time remembering things daily, on a minute to minute basis... i was told i have adhd and some form of a cognitive disfunction...
but i think i have something really wrong with my brain, and i dont know what it is... so it adds to the confusion... my therapist says i dissociate a lot which im still not sure i do... but i guess i do... but maybe its because of whatever is really wrong with my brain...

i just wish i knew what was wrong so that i could work on making it better...
but im working on making it better whatever it is im just doing it by shooting in the dark atm because i dunno what it is...

i just dont want people to be as confused by me as i am confused by myself because i like you all here and im scared that im going to make people hate me... im genuinely sorry if i have...

i just wanna figure things out... but i dont know how... and im scared....
scared of many things....
and dont want to be alone with this anymore...

im sorry if im making it sound like i have d.i.d. ... i dont mean to, im just looking for answers...

i hope this is understandable... sorry...



thanks for letting me hang out...

It's ok ES.

Our front one used to feel very similarly when she first found out about the DID. She felt like a fraud. She actually still feels that way most of the time. It's true - she still feels that we are all made up! In fact, it was only two weeks ago that she made a video in which she admitted that she 'didn't have another story.' What she meant by that was that although she doesn't believe it (us) she acknowledges that she knows what our 'stories' are, and she acknowledges that she doesn't have a different one that takes its place. (Like, if what we say happened didn't happen she doesn't have a different version of our life to take its place. There isn't a memory of a different life. She's got nuthin'".)
It was really hard for her to admit that.
Anyway... we recognize her feelings in what you have written here. Just wanted to say that.

i dunno how much longer i can hold on... im in this all alone.....

we love you here, you've helped me many times

we creid when we read this cause we cant hug you rite now. we cant fix it but you are not alone.

sorry.. you know how they say... face palm, i get overwhelmed easy sometimes..\

^^ That is 100% true E.S.!^^
We are here for you always! I don't care if you have DID or the measles! You are our friend and we love you!!!

I'm alright
I think that i'm just being triggered a lot... Things have been like this for ever so I can't understand why it is so upsetting sometimes.

I mean, I can understand... but... shouldn't I be used to it?
I can't tell if it is getting worse or not... Can't remember how bad it was before, Trying to wake up and pay attention. :/

I think things are just falling apart for me; before we had things in order more so... people that would take care of things... like my brothers... but they are gone now, grown up with their own families and there is no way they can help me the way they did before... so its like starting to click in my head, gears grinding... chaos ensues..

So I guess I'm just being triggered a lot, overwhelmed by so many things and fighting to stay in control :/

Thank you all <3

why would i write things like that?

my therapist tells me that im dissociative... why cant' i trust people
im glad that i can see her again tomorow

I know whats going on... I hate surprises

i hope she can tell me some cool new things, i like talking with her

i just end up with a blank memory, like, how could anyone ever think i was a genius?
with a brain like this!


:/

((((HUGS))))
Geniuses don't have normal minds! If they thought like everyone else they would be average

thanks

im sick... have a cold
had to miss therapy, i hope she wont be mad at me.. cold sucks

I can relate to you so hard. The one of us that goes by our legal name is filled with so much disbelief that he can't really deal. When I was a child I experienced small gaps in time and I didn't really think to much about it except when other brought it to my attention like when my choice of words would change or when I would act contrary to my age or gender but it was just brushed off as me being a kid and a weird one at that. Then I went through this quiet stage with very little missing time but I always felt disconnected as a whole and then when I was about 17 things changed and I started to lose days at a time. I thought I was going crazy and it ended up with several hospitalizations and sometime homeless before I met a T that understood and put thing in perspective for me. It came at a price. My central personality the one that goes by our legal name became very unstable and now we don't let him out very often.
Figuring things out is almost always a good thing even if it is a painful revelation. Best of luck to you. People are here for you.

I hate being sick! urgh

but i can really relate too alot of stuff involved with dissociation.. it just feels like it clicks, unlike everything else i've tried to use to explain it away... hell, they even had ME believing i was bipolar for a little while... i guess thats the only way i would take all them pills :think:

i cant remember much things though... suposebly i compartmentalize heavily..?
so i guess im just filing stuff in different corners and avoiding contact with it at all costs :/

i dont really know... i've been wondering around in alices wonderland for ever and it all just feels like a dream anyway you know?

need another ball thingy...

urgh, you guys know what?
i was denied again for disability, hoe am i to get proper treatment if i cant get better to make enough money to pay for it which i need so that i can get better to work so i can pay for... wow... like, way to go people trying to help out severe mental illness

i cant explain how i feel right now, thats how i feel - comprende..?

i just know this boats a sinkin.... its been real, its been fun... but i guess not been real fun, but what can you do...
cant believe they keep denying me like a fraud.... way to help me get better...

never really believed they would help anyway, but just thought if i keep going maybe they would
they just dont hear me like everyone else in my life, dont listen to me, dont believe me... how could i expect them to? what a terrible life...

scared of being schizophrenic

if i was schizophrenic why haven't they figured it out yet... geez...
why doesn't the meds seem to help...

heres a suggestion that may help.. print of your posts and give them to your treatment providers. this way they can answer all these questions like what your mental disorders are from the last diagnostic evaluation you had, and how and where your problems got those diagnoses fit for you rather than diagnosing you with all these other things you are researching and trying to figure out if you have them.

to answer your question based on my own location sometimes a person has a mental disorder but it takes a long time to get the right medication, the right dosages, or combination of medications that will work....

example I know someone with schizophrenia, it took their treatment providers almost 10 years to get the right medications. one of the problems they were having is because that person was doing research online about so many things that the treatment providers were trying to match the meds with things the person did not have (the person had self diagnosed their self with anxiety and depression disorders and was telling their treatment provider their problems were the depression anxiety symptoms they were reading about so of course if someone goes in to their doctor and says something like Im so sad I cant get out of bed in the morning rather than telling about their hallucinations they will get the wrong meds. )

see what I mean it may be that all this research you are doing on all kinds of stuff is causing your own actual problems to get pushed to the side and this mish mash of symptoms that may be this or may be that keeps getting the treatment providers attention...

but if you print of your posts, and give them to your treatment provider they can actually read your well thought out and organized posts in the same frame of mind that its happening to you. kind of like keeping a journal helps a therapist to understand what someones whole problems are better sometimes.

i would print my posts but i dont have a printer
don't want you to think i've ignored the idea... i've tried writing down some things and i used to take notes all the time but back then the doctor i was seeing wasn't interested in reading anything i brought in so it turned me off on the idea since i put so much effort into it only to be ignored...
i didnt like that doctor very much, he's the one that just slapped bipolar on me in the first visit and put me on 9 different drugs saying that i was manic over and over while the meds weren't helping at all... i just find it difficult to believe if a person is bipolar, especially manic, and put on so many mood stabilizers and blabla then it should help...

you may be right because i've read a lot trying to understand whats happening to me but things can be misleading so much sometimes...

but i haven't been obsessing or whatever i was doing back then for a good few months now atleast...

im having a really hard time with my concentration and focus levels so its pretty much impossible for me to sit down and read...

the memory problem is what bothers me the most because its scary and i dont understand why my memory is broken and it makes me think that i must be dieing because its so bad...

i guess i'll try to take some notes like i used to do and go in and talk to my case manager and therapist about it so maybe they can help me talk to the doctor about it... atleast this time my doc takes her time with me and talks to me, asks questions and seems to genuinely care about my wellbeing... plus she's a woman!
so glad i have all females working with me this time since males are really triggering...

how do you journal?
like... i filled a book up last year with random thoughts or whatever and i haven't read it since i stopped writing because the stuff i wrote just is triggering...
think i dont know how to journal properly... need to learn how to write stuff that will be helpful...

my therapist says i dissociate and thats whats wrong with my memory.. i think thats what she says atleast... but i cant understand because i thought dissociation was supposed to be like waves.. attacks... like a panic attack and it comes and goes away... so i would thought that i would only have problems remembering when that happens, but its happening all the time... constantly... and my memory is severely broken, i literally can not remember things for the life of me... its not fair you know

i just dont get it... she said that im living in a dissociative state or something... due to so much trauma i just got stuck in this side because i haven't been able to go backwards through the process to work out the traumas yet...

your question how do you journal... you just write what ever you want to write down....suggestion many of your posts are journals where you have started a thread and most of the posts in your thread is you talking about anything that comes up for you that day. maybe you can reread those posts.

not having a printer.... you dont necessarily need a printer... if you have a cell phone take a picture of what you want to show your therapist. you can also copy your post that you want to share with your therapist by copy paste to email then email / text it to your cell phone.

yes many treatment providers would rather their clients tell them things then shove a paper or journal at them. with these kinds of treatment providers I still take in my prints or journal and then tell them I brought something that explains what Im going through, then I offer to read it to them or they can read it on their own. usually they have me read it to them if they are this kind of treatment provider.

another suggestion some people access psych central logging in with their cell phones/ iphones and tablets or laptops. if you have any of those you can log in while at your session and then show them your posts (I have done this saves lots of time and no printing, I just select my post I want them to read by going to my profile and clicking on all posts by amandalouise then selecting the post I want to share with them)

do you really think that i articulate my experience well?
they have told me that i do a really good job explaining my symptoms but i feel like i dont do a good job at all... sort of like that self sabatoging thing someone said a while back.. but maybe i dont do that at all, its really difficult for me to remember my meetings and appointments so its difficult to say...

i just need to hammer more on my memory problem... i just really want to know whats wrong with my memory, brain, or whatever it is thats causing me to not remember things...

i'll have to make an appointment with my regular doctor soon so i can ask her about brain damage or traumatic brain injuries and everything else... like i just really need to know because i feel like if its this bad (its really bad) then maybe its going to get worse and i wont be able to work on things at all so i feel like im running out of time before i hit a critical mass point of no return where ill be severely disabled and unable to even care for the minute things i need....

i like the idea about showing on the cellphone, im going to talk to her abot it...
last time i tried to get them to use the computer to look at some of my stuff the old case manager said she wasn't allowed to ... this clinic is terribly under funded....

i just remembered that she said "one thing is for sure, you have developmental trauma disorder" and i have to agree because it describes me in a way... but what does it mean?
I haven't found any information about it in relation to the dissociation that occurs... only that the senses become dissociated and the world is dark and scary evil place...

yes I really do think you are good at articulating what your problems are. with me the problem isnt in how you articulate. the problem sometimes is my location sometimes uses different words and different definitions. this kind of problem is a universal one that just comes with the job, or being online where there are many different people from many different towns, cities, states, countries in one place not everyone uses the same definitions for the same words, that aside you do a great job.

developmental trauma disorder is the IDC equivelent of the DSM 5 category of .... Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorders ... in short is a catch all disorder label for anyone with PTSD stemming from childhood physical, sexual and / or emotional abuse.

your treatment provider is just saying you have problems and symptoms from being physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child

and another way of putting it is you have PTSD, or you have Acute stress disorder or any of the other trauma and stressor related disorders found in the DSM 5....

the difference is the DSM 5 doesnt lop PTSD problems all together any more like the IDC does with the label developmental trauma disorder

now depending upon what a persons symptoms and problem areas are, if using the DSM 5 a person would get diagnosed with one of the new trauma and stressor related disorders in the DSM 5 which are...

Reactive Attachment Disorder
Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder
Acute Stress Disorder
Adjustment Disorders
Other Specified Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorder
Unspecified Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorder

just wanted to add something.. when rereading i noticed that my auto correct put in the lettiers IDC... those letters are supposed to be ICD which stands for international classification of diseases.

this is the diagnostic manual that works the same way as the DSM 5. the only differences in the two is that though the disorders are the same the DSM 5 is more detailed with the diagnostic criteria and the DSM 5 has 5 additional pages with each mental disorder that goes into great detail of what the disorder is, statistics, culture issues and other helpful to treatment provider information. the ICD and the DSM 5 also sometimes list a mental disorder in a different category/ grouping of disorders. ie one mental disorder in the ICD diagnostic manual may list a disorder as a psychotic disorder where as the DSM 5 may place that same problem as a dissociative problem, but the disorder is the same.

the reason behind why american DSM5 matches with the ICD now but goes more into detail is that when the DSM 5 was being worked one of the APA goals listed on their website was that they wanted the two diagnostic manuals to no longer conflict with each other, and could be used interchangeably but with more clarity. this helps those american's that have to travel to other countries where the ICD is used. example those in the military or relocation of any kind.

wanted to add since I know you like to look up / research mental disorders the first two in my post ( Reactive Attachment Disorder, and Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder) are diagnosed in in children between the ages of 9 months and 18 that in non professional terms have PTSD and problems with social situations / mood problems) so unless you are not an adult you would not get these diagnosis.

Adjustment Disorders means a person has stress related problems that are short term (not lasting) non psychotic (no halucinations, no delusions, no loss of contact with reality, no disorganized speech or behaviors) and their stress causes them to become extremely suicidal, possibly needing hospitalization.

post traumatic stress disorder is having long term problems with nightmares flashbacks, anxiety intrusive thoughts, depression emotional distress (trouble sleeping, irritability anger......) as a result of direct exposure to trauma, witnessing a traumatic situation or indirectly exposed to something traumatic by learning a relative or close friend was exposed to trauma (example my fears for a friend who was abused can cause me to have nightmares, anxiety, depression.....) or indirect exposure by being a police man, fireman or in the military or other public service worker that has to deal with trauma and traumatic situations. having these symptoms affects all areas of a persons life. the problems can not be because of drugs or alcohol legal or otherwise. PTSD can be alone or with dissociative specifiers depersonalization or derealization. (these are the same that you see in my dissociation links)
Other Specified Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorder means you have PTSD like problems but do not fit the PTSD diagnosis. a treatment provider tells you what mental disorder you have that is causing you to have PTSD like problems. example a person with depression may have depression due to trauma but they dont fit PTSD because they dont have anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares and all the other requirements for PTSD. in other words a treatment provider can decide a persons mental disorder symptoms fit better in the PTSD category.

Unspecified is for emergency use where in the er this is diagnosed then when they see the regular treatment provider the treatment provider changes the diagnosis to either one of the trauma and stress related disorders or another mental disorder that that the person does have. the unspecified labeling is also used when a treatment provider does not want to tell a person why they do not have PTSD example someone goes in to their treatment provider and says I have PTSD and they firmly believe they have this. but upon assessment it turns out they do not have this disorder. treatment providers have to assess whether its in the clients best interest to treat as if they have this category of problem (most times this is ok due to many treatment options for mental disorders are the same... therapy, medication and address what ever issues the client bring up or has a problem with, so for example if a person is claiming to have a dissociative disorder but they actually have bipolar disorder the treatment is the same... medication for depression (which does have dissociation problems) anxiety, manic\psychotic symptoms and therapy sessions) with unspecified the treatment provider does not have to answer any questions as to things like why the person doesnt fit the disorder they are looking for.

thanks....

the one thing i know i have is PTSD... i didn't even know i had it in the beginning until they diagnosed me with it... i mean, i thought everyone went through the stuff i went through so what reason would i think i had ptsd ya know..?

i just wish i could understand why my memory is so bad... i know drugs and alcohol can effect them... but something is just telling me in my gut that its not that you know... its something more serious, deeper, and hidden...

its so easy to look at the surface and say "you'll be fine, cut out the drinking and things will be fine"
like when i went to the hospital and i actually CRIED in front of 4 interviewers because i was under so much distress... they told me to my face that i JUST need to move out from my dads... get a job... drivers license... my own house... blahblah...
how can i do ANY of that when i cant? and NOONE will listen

i want to move out so bad... i want to work so bad... i want my own life, SOOO bad... i dont need people looking at the surface... i know how confusing it is because i live with it every single day.... i need someone to help me look inside... because im scared of the inside of me... im scared to be alone, but i dont want to be around anyone at all...

so i've been working on a relationship with my therapist... and next time i see her im just gonna tell her "im ready" .... whatever that entails... please just help me!
if she wants me to talk about the disgusting things that happened to me, i'll try... if she wants me to stand on my head, i'll try... but for gods sake dont listen to the surface... dont listen to the lies that are on my face... dont listen to what you see on the surface because the surface has been hardened over so many years to appear normal and look just absolutely hunky dory.... i have touched on a few traumatic flashbacks with her and she says i just get a blank look... i dont feel emotion... i dont feel pain, connection with the events... i feel detached and distanced... its not mine, i dont want this life, i just wanna be happy... why is that so hard?

geez... i feel like no one can hear me... and i have always felt like that since a very little person.... like no one is listening... and when ever i trie to talk, or speak up, no one wants to hear it.... so i learned to hide... shut it down, drugs and alcohol can silence the screams temporarily....

you know...? im tired of hiding... i want out, i want it fixed... want be happy...

i just wanted to add that i haven't been able to research lately.... i haven't been able to read... play any games... or really anything.... i just pace back and forth.... i guess... i mean i dont even know what im doing you know...

so im not obsesssing like i was before because i know i get obsessive sometimes, but i feel like whats the point....
like you say, im not the doctor here... (and they have told me that before too, to stop playing doctor) so im just giving up.... either they will help me, or they wont... or maybe they cant because im just too broken.... dont think anyone can really truly help me... i cant even help myself...