The Background:
I met my husband in 2007 - we had a whirlwind courtship which when I look back now was probably a manic episode for both of us. I'm diagnosed bipolar he is not but has a lot of symptoms. We were engaged 1 month after dating and were living together immediately. i gave up my apartment after a few months to move into his home. I got laid off around the same time so it worked out really well, but was hard after having many years of independence.

I'm 41 and he's 42. When we met we were both earning close to 6 figures...after I got laid off, he supported me taking the summer off to relax which I did, and I've been contracting since then. I recently took a work from home job that paid less because I was getting so stressed out at work.

He thinks i'm defective for having bipolar, even though his mood swings are wild and often.
My finances are horrible right now - all of my savings i had before i met my husband went towards the wedding. We've kept all of our money separate, which has been good and bad, as he's run several credit cards up and i only have one.

The Current:

We've been fighting a lot. He's very insulting and I've been aware for a while that he's been mentally abusive and just trying to deal with it and figure something out but it's getting to the point where I need to make a plan. He's also violent, not towards me, but he broke a big tool box today, and i've watched him break other things. My T told me recently that i'm showing signs of PTSD and having been in an abusive relationship before, I know this is really bad.

I told him today that his anger petrifies me and he said I should leave.
He has refused to go to any kind of marriage counseling or anger management anything. His idea of trying is being nice to me till he gets frustrated and says something mean, then pretends it didn't happen.
I talked to his mom about his temper, since he's an only child and she knows him very well. She feels bad for me and also said i'm in an abusive relationship - but she can't really do anything - she can't say anything because he'll freak out on her too.

So now I know i need to go, but I can't afford to go anywhere. and I have cats who he hates, so i can't just leave them here. I don't earn enough to pay rent with my expenses.

He told me today that he can't deal with me crying all the time so it's going to have to be soon and I just don't know what to do.

[cantstopcrying]

Been there. I'm proud that you recognize you need to leave. Why do you have to leave as opposed to telling him to leave? I know all too well about the fear of not being able to make ends meet. It's hard and scary. Reach out, talk to family and friends and community resources. Best of luck to you.

Originally Posted by cantstopcrying

Been there. I'm proud that you recognize you need to leave. Why do you have to leave as opposed to telling him to leave? I know all too well about the fear of not being able to make ends meet. It's hard and scary. Reach out, talk to family and friends and community resources. Best of luck to you.

It's his house. Actually, it's his mom's house - her name is on the deed. It's the house he grew up in and i wouldn't want it.

I have friends I can stay with for short term, but nowhere to go with the cats. they are my biggest worry, other than rent.

I'm petrified to tell my parents. They aren't good with the whole support thing. they try but they end up stressing me out more than anything else. i've been holding out as long as possible.

[Open Eyes]

Well at least you are recognizing that you have to take steps. You did have a good job so I suggest you find another job that can support you again, on your own. If you did it once you can do it again. I know the economy is tough but you need to have a plan. In the meantime you need to find ways to be busy and away from him as much as you can. Maybe you could find a place where someone is looking for a roomate to help cover expenses. You only have two cats and most people don't mind cats that much. You have to roll up your sleves and get into those newspapers on online and start looking for options. You did it before and you can do it again and that is the way you have to look at it.

I am sorry that you have to be in such a position, I understand how hard it is to feel so uncomfortable and exposed in your situation. But your still only in your 40's so your still young enough to try to find a job that you can get back to taking care of yourself.

Open Eyes

So my plan is to find a job that pays more so i can afford to leave.
Once i have that in place i can go - my awesome friends are so supportive - my best friend told me she will buy me whatever i need, like a vacuum, toaster, microwave, whatever stuff i got rid of when I moved in with my hsband.

My actual career is helping people find jobs, so hopefully I can do it for myself.

After the latest blow out with him last night where he basically told me that "he can't deal with this anymore blah blah blah" he came in my room and acted like nothing happened and talked about us moving to another state!
like moving away would solve everything.
and i just said ok.
If I pretend to be a stepford wife it goes great. And i will do that till I can leave if i can because it works better than crying.

[Leed]

Bless your heart ~ this is NOT a good relationship and the sooner you can get out of there, the better it will be for your mental health.

You have enough to deal with already, without an abusive husband too!! I think I'd head for a women's shelter temporarily -- until you can find and afford proper housing. I'm sure your friends would look after your cats until you can get into your own place.

The longer you stay, the more harmful it will be to you. You don't want to "undo" all the progress you've made in therapy. I lived with an emotionally & psychologically abusive man for 26 years -- and it took me a long time to "recover" from the insults, name-calling & general abuse. My self esteem was in the gutter -- and it's hard to get that back.

I wish you the very best -- I hope you can leave soon. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

Thanks Leed.
He has some really crazy mood swings.

Monday till today, Friday, he has gone from
Monday
at 1pm after i witness him kicking the cr*p out of something
telling me if I can't deal with his anger then i need to leave
5pm - asks me why I don't seem happy
6pm - tells me he can't deal with me crying and this much crying isn't normal...when i mention that his mood swings aren't normal he has nothing to say...when I ask him if he loves me enough to try to change or to get help, he says he knows the scars are too deep and he can't change what's done in the past.
8pm - comes into my room and tells me about looking at houses in another state and wouldn't it be great to live there

Tuesday
He knows I have the pdoc today so he is very nice, called me 3 times to check on me, tell me he missed me and couldn't wait for me to come home.
Wednesday still loved me most of the day and we rescued a baby bird together which i think he felt brought us together.
but he didn't like the way I answered his question....so black mood came back on and he stopped talking to me.
but now I have my plan in place...I keep acting the same, no more crying. i will be my nice self, because that freaks him out and keeps him guessing.
Went to bed not speaking but when he left in the morning on Thursday I said "bye Honey" the way I always do...
He called me 3 times Thursday - texted me while I was with my girlfriend to say how much he missed me.
When I came home last night,you'd think we had the best marriage ever.
Telling me how much he loved me, how i'm such a wonderful woman.
How he tells everyone how lucky he is.
He does not fool me.
i will be out by the time he gets home from work and out for most of the night.
I'm sure by the end of the weekend he will be on the other side of the spectrum again.

i have friends that will take me and the cats. if I have to do it that way. i'm seeing a friend in the next few weeks who has an empty house that i'm really hoping will offer it to me.

in my head i want it to be all done in one clean sweep, like where he comes home and I'm gone, all my stuff is gone....
Maybe i'm being naiive or foolish to believe that can happen.
Now that I have this plan in place of how to act, it's helping me stay more together. I'm focused on getting a job and getting out.
i really appreciate everyone's support...i know I will leave, it's just a matter of when.

[Leed]

Wow ~ You poor thing! That would be impossible to deal with! He obviously has some serious problems and needs HELP. I'm sure he realizes that how he's acting isn't "normal." But men seem to have a mental block when it comes to getting counseling. It guess they think it isn't "macho" to ask for help, or something. I don't know. My ex and I went to marriage counseling - and on the FIRST visit, the counselor said something to my ex that he didn't like, and he got up and stormed out of the office -- never to go back.

You can't live while walking on egg-shells all the time -- you never know when he's going to blow up! I sure hope you can get out soon -- and I hope HE comes to his senses and gets help. He sure needs it.

Keep us posted on your progress -- I'd really like to know! Hugs, Lee

Hello, jadedmoonbeam. Is there a safe shelter in your area? Talking to someone there about your situation might be beneficial. If you are worried about getting your possessions out of his home and the division of any joint debts, you might see if you can find a domestic relations attorney who gives a free initial consultation. Many times the unwary get a lot of debt dumped on them, especially since he seems interested in moving out of state.

A safety plan is a good idea. http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/ste...stic-violence/
http://www.thehotline.org/

Originally Posted by Leed

Wow ~ You poor thing! That would be impossible to deal with! He obviously has some serious problems and needs HELP. I'm sure he realizes that how he's acting isn't "normal." But men seem to have a mental block when it comes to getting counseling. It guess they think it isn't "macho" to ask for help, or something. I don't know. My ex and I went to marriage counseling - and on the FIRST visit, the counselor said something to my ex that he didn't like, and he got up and stormed out of the office -- never to go back.

You can't live while walking on egg-shells all the time -- you never know when he's going to blow up! I sure hope you can get out soon -- and I hope HE comes to his senses and gets help. He sure needs it.

Keep us posted on your progress -- I'd really like to know! Hugs, Lee

He has flat out refused to go for help. He just keeps saying that this is how he is, this is how he's always been and he's not going to change, that our marriage isn't worth trying for.

His mood swings are so sudden and severe - when they are good i tell myself I can do this and i can make it but then they change again and it's very hard to maintain that certainty and stay in control in front of him.

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, jadedmoonbeam. Is there a safe shelter in your area? Talking to someone there about your situation might be beneficial. If you are worried about getting your possessions out of his home and the division of any joint debts, you might see if you can find a domestic relations attorney who gives a free initial consultation. Many times the unwary get a lot of debt dumped on them, especially since he seems interested in moving out of state.

A safety plan is a good idea. http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/ste...stic-violence/
http://www.thehotline.org/

Byz I am going to take your advice - I have a semi plan - i will make a full plan - and I will look into a shelter - I'm just so worried about my cats.

He has wanted to move out of state since I met him though. We go to the same place every year. We only have one investment account together, no joint credit cards (unless he did it without me knowing) no joint bank accounts.

Update -
I have 3 job interviews this week so there is a little bit of light at the end of that tunnel.

I called the hotline for Domestic Violence this weekend and spoke to the people in my area about shelter for me and my kitties if neccessary.

They were very nice but I am not in physical danger here. I will talk to my T on Friday about this.
the woman on the phone was encouraging me to go to the police to get a restraining order against my husband, but he has not been violent towards me or threatened violence towards me at any time so I don't think that's neccessary.
when I mentioned that he and I both know a lot of the police here in town, she said
"I don't care how many cop friends he has"
that's not the case - 2 of the cops grew up on MY street - we live in the town we both grow up in. they aren't his friends or my friends. We just know them for a long time, I felt like I was being pushed.
And they were asking about the guns we have in the house, which are unloaded and honestly, I know how to use them too. He doesn't threaten me, he doesn't harm me physically and right now i am not concerned about that. i've been with him for 3 years and he hasn't done that so I need to follow what i'm doing. If I had to run I now know where to go, and I have a plan.
But they do provide free counseling that I may take them up on. Plus, they provide shelter to animals while someone is getting away from their abuser...I'm very overwhelmed with all of this and they kind of made me feel more scared,which i didn't need.

[CrazyButSweet]

Forget the cats! Find them homes in a good no-kill shelter. Who's going to take care of them when you are dead? I gave away all my animals when I left my abusive husband, and put my son into foster care for 3 months until I got on my feet. It makes me angry to hear that you are more concerned for your cats than yourself!

[Perna]

If he is not physically abusive and you do not feel endangered in that way; I would work on getting a plan together for yourself, never mind whether he likes the crying or not! I would even work on making a plan together with him; perhaps more conversation/discussion might help your situation.

Have you all had a real conversation about how the marriage doesn't seem to be working without blaming one another? It sounds like you are both major stressed and that certainly can cause angry outbursts and negativity, especially I think in a man not taught a whole lot of other ways to deal with his stress?

I would tell him you would like to try a separation and ask him would he help you. Definitely try to find places for the cats for a bit; lots of times humane societies will "hold" or foster them, especially if you are in such a difficult situation.

If it is mental/emotional abuse you are dealing with, see if making a plan for yourself and working on it helps block most of the hurt/focus on the abuse. Looking outward and toward your own future should get your head/heart going forward instead of feeling quite so stuck.

Originally Posted by CrazyButSweet

Forget the cats! Find them homes in a good no-kill shelter. Who's going to take care of them when you are dead? I gave away all my animals when I left my abusive husband, and put my son into foster care for 3 months until I got on my feet. It makes me angry to hear that you are more concerned for your cats than yourself!

i'm sorry i'm making you angry, you must not have read my other posts. he does not physically abuse me. He does not ever threaten to hurt me. i have no fear of living hear as far as my physical self goes. I thought that was clear. i have been in a physically abusive situation and I know what that's like and i left the state. this is different. And since you have been there, which I'm very sorry you have had to go through, why would you try to make me feel worse? Those cats mean the world to me and I'm not getting rid of them.

Originally Posted by Perna

If he is not physically abusive and you do not feel endangered in that way; I would work on getting a plan together for yourself, never mind whether he likes the crying or not! I would even work on making a plan together with him; perhaps more conversation/discussion might help your situation.

Have you all had a real conversation about how the marriage doesn't seem to be working without blaming one another? It sounds like you are both major stressed and that certainly can cause angry outbursts and negativity, especially I think in a man not taught a whole lot of other ways to deal with his stress?

I would tell him you would like to try a separation and ask him would he help you. Definitely try to find places for the cats for a bit; lots of times humane societies will "hold" or foster them, especially if you are in such a difficult situation.

If it is mental/emotional abuse you are dealing with, see if making a plan for yourself and working on it helps block most of the hurt/focus on the abuse. Looking outward and toward your own future should get your head/heart going forward instead of feeling quite so stuck.

I do have a plan.
Get a job, get some money and leave ASAP.
i have keys to my friend's places if I have to leave in a hurry and my mother in law loves the cats and i can count on her to watch them short term. There are 2 shelters where i can keep them temporarily as well.

Any kind of discussion with him is futile. He he doesn't want to have a conversation unless it's on his terms - if i bring it up he doesn't want to talk about it and changes the subject except to yell that he is NOT GETTING HELP.

We are definitely both stressed.
I think his mother let him react like this - she told me he's always been like this so she never did anything to change it.

i don't want to try a separation, i want to leave and I'm aftaid if i tell him that he'll kick me out.

Luckily I'm good at getting jobs. Had an interview yesterday - 2 today and one next week. Things are already looking up.

Looking outward and toward your own future should get your head/heart going forward instead of feeling quite so stuck

YES!!! It does.

[protector1973]

goodluck, need to be more fianancially secure in future. if you start making money again. always make sure you have a pot of gold somewhere, life is always changing.you recognize signs of a abusive relationship,time to take better care of your finances in future.hope this isnt taken the wrong way.

Originally Posted by protector1973

goodluck, need to be more fianancially secure in future. if you start making money again. always make sure you have a pot of gold somewhere, life is always changing.you recognize signs of a abusive relationship,time to take better care of your finances in future.hope this isnt taken the wrong way.

It's not. You're totally right.

I told my mom today.
she said as soon as I find a job she'll give me whatever start up money i need to leave immediately.
She did say I could come now but I won't leave my cats. i'm also going to start packing what i can that he won't notice and bring it to her house so it will be easier later.
I have a second interview tomorrow for one company and another one on tuesday for another company. I am crossing my fingers that I will have a job by the end of the month.

I know some of you out there don't agree with me staying here right now but every story is different, every situation is different. Please don't judge me, please don't lecture me - if I wanted that I could get that IRL. i'm 41 years old and college educated. I'm doing my best to follow my plan. i'm under a doctor and therapist's care and I have friends and family who love me. I come here for added support and if i'm going to get yelled at I won't bother posting anymore.

[Caretaker Leo]

You are incredibly strong and I admire that you have a great plan in place and are taking action to leave a bad situation and move on with your life!

I was in a very similar situation when I was your age - but I couldn't find the strength at the time to take the steps I should have taken. Having a supportive family was my lifeline. But, there are days 10+ years later when I wonder if I could be so much more than I am if I had followed advice given by others.

You are to be admired, and I hope your story gives someone else strength.

Looking forward to hearing an update from you here.

Got a job, got a place, moving in 2 weeks.
Found a place on a different site where I didn't feel like I was getting yelled at so much.
Everybody does things in their own time - I know sometimes people do things we don't agree with, bu there are ways to say things, CrazybutSweet. I'm sorry I made you angry, but you made me feel unsupported, which was my whole point of coming here in the first place. And now i rarely do.

[rubyindie]

Originally Posted by jadedmoonbeam

Got a job, got a place, moving in 2 weeks.
Found a place on a different site where I didn't feel like I was getting yelled at so much.
Everybody does things in their own time - I know sometimes people do things we don't agree with, bu there are ways to say things, CrazybutSweet. I'm sorry I made you angry, but you made me feel unsupported, which was my whole point of coming here in the first place. And now i rarely do.

god bless@ jaded moonbeam all the very best to you. you deserve it you deserve your own life a happy one at that. there will be many lil battles for you ahead but u have made it so far and you will get much ahead. god bless you....there will be some to put u down for what u say but u get to pick the ones that make u happy, let barking dogs be.....TC

[Sunna]

About the kitties: Talk with the womens shelter, you can't be the first woman who didn't want to lose her beloved pets during a difficult transition. They may have some contacts, or at least advice.
There are animal lovers all around who, for example, volunteer fostering pets waiting for adotion through spca or such agencies. They are not doing it for money, they get none, as far as I know, but love for animals, and certainly if pets can be kept with their human and avoid adoption altogether that is even better.
Could any of your friends be willing to do this for you for a while? For example, I used to have cats, but after they died, I've decided not to get more right away, because of the committment vs my expectation of frequent and long absences. However I love kitties, and if my friend, or my friend's friend, or friend's friend relative needed someone to keep hers for a couple of months I would be quite happy to help.

[cshellz]

You seem to have a great head on your shoulders. Following a plan was a smart thing to do and you should be proud of yourself.

Originally Posted by Sunna

About the kitties: Talk with the womens shelter, you can't be the first woman who didn't want to lose her beloved pets during a difficult transition. They may have some contacts, or at least advice.
There are animal lovers all around who, for example, volunteer fostering pets waiting for adotion through spca or such agencies. They are not doing it for money, they get none, as far as I know, but love for animals, and certainly if pets can be kept with their human and avoid adoption altogether that is even better.
Could any of your friends be willing to do this for you for a while? For example, I used to have cats, but after they died, I've decided not to get more right away, because of the committment vs my expectation of frequent and long absences. However I love kitties, and if my friend, or my friend's friend, or friend's friend relative needed someone to keep hers for a couple of months I would be quite happy to help.

the Domestic Violence Shelter did say that had a place that would foster pets for anyone that needed. I did have a friend who offered to take the cats - most of my friends have cats, so I feel badly to burden them with 2 more. Luckily I am moving in 2 weeks so my kitties and I will be safely in our own place.
thanks for responding though

[rubyindie]

great going jadedmoonbeam!!.....tho not in person lot of friends here are happy to support you in spirit, in the hugely courageous happenings in your life. things will get better. standing up to what we believe is right for us and our loved ones is the source of great energy and power. god bless take care...prayers for u.

[CedarS]

jadedmoonbeam I hope you and cats are safe and sound now, best wishes to you.