I had a good marriage then screwed it up!

My wife and I separated back in August of 2012 and we are headed for divorce.
I have been as honest with her as I can be about all of my depression, anxiety, stress and the way it has affected our relationship. I have answered her questions and been open to her when she needed to vent about my inability to communicate with her, my lies used to cover up my inability to deal with my stress, anxiety, and depression. I have beenhonest about my porn use, and my online affair with a younger woman in an adult virtual reality video game.
I have expressed my regret, my sadness, my apology, my desire to reconcile despite all of this.
Not gonna happen. My ex told me we are done. We are friends and we are raising our daughter as best we can from two separate households.
So now I am alone and lonely (albeit by my own doing!) and I am telling you that I am desperately lonely. I NEED a human touch...a loving, gentle human touch from someone that cares.
I hope I dont sound too pathetic but if I do then maybe I am.
I mean, I guess maybe I am co-dependant. I just don't do well alone. I function fine...I can cook, I clean, do my laundry...I just hate doing it all alone!
And of course I can't stop beating myself up because I had a loving wife, a dedicated spouse, a woman who really loved me....and I screwed it all up!
Thanks for reading my post. Reply with any comments you like. I just had to post this, just needed to vent it and talk it out.

My marriage broke up for all those reasons. It was my ex who suffered from years of depression. I begged him to seek counseling but he refused. You should consider counseling. You may never be free of the depression, anxiety, etc., but you can learn to cope with life with it. You are worth it. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for your daughter.

well i know people can be
"diagnosed " with depression however i dont think its something that is
permanent .
I do believe that it can be defeated and enjoy life.
now there is no such thing as forgetting
but if you want to feel differently then
it takes reaching out to others and i see you are doing that .

I would recommend counseling as well
hope it al goes well
good luck !

I do have a good T and we talk and she challenges me. I am doing my best to deal with my issues and all that, but once in a while the gravity of the situation becomes too much for me. Thanks for the replies!

gosh i dont know if this will come out in a negative way but it is NOT meant to be bad
-maybe being away and separated , moving on is the better choice . May be hard because you miss certain things but
might be the healthiest too .
so much tension and battles in a relationship is not good and
so if things are not working out and you guys are already separated
-moving on might be best.
focus on yourself
and live life up(: ?

I'm so sorry this happened. I totally understand the effect that depression can have on a person. I've suffered from severe clinical depression since I was a small child, so it's been no fun.

Was your wife supportive? Didn't she understand what you were going thru? Was there something she just didn't "get?" Is that why you turned to porn and the other woman?

It seems to me that she could forgive ONE "virtual" affair. Afterall, it wasn't in person -- correct? If you two had been meeting in person, that would be different. But from what I understand, you didn't, so I don't understand her unwillingness to forgive! Has SHE never made a mistake? Is SHE blameless in the 'fall' in the marriage? I doubt it. I have a feeling that she has done some things to ruin this marriage too. And perhaps there's more to this story than we're hearing.

I'm really sorry you're hurting so badly. You might want to get some counseling to help you deal with this. Perhaps even grief counseling would help. You can contact a grief counselor thru Hospice -- they'll be happy to talk to you. God bless you and PLEASE take care! If you'd like to talk more, feel free to private message me any time. Take care of yourself and God bless. Hugs, Lee

Thanks Lee,
Oh of course there is more. I am a train wreck of a man. Its sad. It is part of my depression feed because I just don't act like other men do...I am not assertive ad driven and goal oriented and all that. Unfortunately I seem to just exist.
I have a good Therapist, and I am getting a med evaluation on Jan 9th.
More later on.
Tired and sick (like ill, cold) so I am going to rest now.

I hope you feel better soon. This problem is something that you have been dealing with for a while, and your main problem has been a lack in your self esteem somewhere. The fact that you sought out other women, virtual or not, means that you "needed attention" to help you with your self esteem.

A lot of men "cheat" not because they want to hurt their wives, but more because they have "self esteem" issues and "other women" becomes a way to "get a fix" somehow. This may stretch back to your relationship with your mother where she didn't give you enough attention or approval somehow. You may have even been very hurt by a woman/girl you really liked that shot you down and hurt your ego too. It could have devastated you or tramatized you, so as with many situations of "abuse" or "perceived abuse" a person will often find a need to "revisit" that situation in hopes of a different outcome.

The fact that this problem eventually affected your marriage and you are now being "rejected" is also a "bad result" that can attach to the "old let down you already had".
That in turn is bringing on a way of feeding into a sense of "failure" that you never addressed before. At the same time, the desire for "companionship" will still remain high.

You need to spend time with your therapist to figure out where this problem originated, there is always an origin to it. And that is what needs to be addressed, mourned and resolved. You have to find your way to the point where you can finally make peace with how this all started, to see under the hood of where that ping really started and then finally work it out so you can finally "move on" in a healthier mindset. You need to stop going down the mental path of "self blame" and having the constant thoughts of "unworthiness". You "can" address this issue in healthier ways verses the way you did that hurt your relationship with your wife. Once you learn that you can slowly regroup all the wiser and hopefully develope a healthier relationship again down the road. You can also share what you learn with your children someday, especially when they ask you, "Why" you and your wife broke up, and they will eventually do that. Children always want to know why and will even feel they were not loved enough to keep the family intact. This is also something your "wife" has to learn too. Right now your wife is focused on "her own hurt and anger" so she is not seeing what the children feel. This a a common problem and it is important it doesn't continue to go un-noticed and unaddressed.

Open Eyes

oh yes I think its definitely related to mom and to women in general. I have always felt the need of the approval of women...I think all i ever wanted was the approval of my mother. But I don't really remember NOT having her approval. Is there such a thing as me just being a loser and blaming on mom?
I mean, don't get me wrong, I am a handsome guy (so I have been told) and I work hard.
But I wish I had been smart enough to have gone to school for a professional degree (like a doctor, lawyer, architect, engineer) instead of a lousy business degree. I work for a large telecommunications company, my job function is important, but "I" am not important.
And If I was important, then people want things from you.
I can't win. It's like I am 47 and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
How completely pathetic is THAT?
I will make it a point to try and identify where all my self esteem went...i am certain I lost it in my childhood/adolescence.
I spend to much time with woulda/shoulda/coulda and do my best to remind myself that Dave Thomas was reportedly 55 when he started Wendys Hamburgers.
So I CAN do it, if I can just figure out HOW to do it!

Good, that is a good start, you are open about it which is always a very good path to be on. You have not figured out how to "self fulfill" you are your own worst critic most likely. A lot of men struggle with this, so you are not alone in that.

Looks? well that isn't enough, sometimes makes it worse because you can add that into how you should be something more somehow with that blessing.

What about your father? How was your relationship with him? What kind of man was/is he? Was he constantly critical of you somehow? Did he play a positive part in your life?

Open Eyes

There is NOTHING wrong with not acting like "other men" I'm not a typical guy, but I do realize that this isn't always a weakness it's often a strength. It's just a matter of figuring out how to live your life to play into your strengths.

Maybe it's something you can talk to your therapist about.

I am an only child, so when I was younger, I loved both my parents equally. Dad had his first heart attack when I was in Kindergarten or First Grade, memory is fuzzy on that now. He was in the hospital for what seemed like months. He had major surgery; when I was finally able to see him I couldn't just jump up in his arms, and that was tough.
He and mom started fighting cause of all the medical bills (this was the early 70's) and I learned to occupy myself and shut them out. I hated the yelling.
Dad worked hard, but he had repeated surgeries (for arterial schlerosis) and was out of work every couple of years (he had a good Govnt job with good benefits) and wasn't able to do as much. He had his right leg amputated at the knee in 1975 and that really limited him. Mom started working 2 jobs to help pay for everything and she became bitter and they really started figting more. Cursing, yelling; it was misery for me and I am sure for them too.
Dad retired on disability when I was 16, he couldnt get around all that well on his one good leg, it was weak.
I graduated in '84 and in '86 my mom was diagnosed with Dementia (Alzheimers) and so Dad and I became her caregivers. I turned to drugs and alcohol to cope. I was a wreck. Dad was strong but I could see he was internalizing his pain and it was eating him up.
We were never really physically close, no hugs often or anything like that.
He died when I was 24, and I was left to care for my mom. THAT was hell.
I had already met the woman who would become my wife, she was by my side the whole way! She loved me then like no one ever had...and if I had not screwed up so much of my own life she would still be here today.
But alas...we are friends and we raise our daughter to the best of our ability.

Hi Spirit, it's me again. I read your posts and it's feels like you and my husband have lead parallel lives! Right now he and I are still living together after a screaming fight just after Christmas brought out some "truth" from him finally. We had decided to put the separation "on hold." After the last few days though, I have asked him to leave again. I know exactly how your wife feels. It gets to a point where we lose ourselves, and don't know who we've let ourselves become. I can't believe that the vibrant self confident woman I used to be is the tired angry person I see in the mirror. I can't believe that I've settled for so little from my husband in this marriage.

I want to go back to enjoying life again, to feeling like a healthy whole person. Since we've decided to "pause", I have been walking around unfocused and a little lost. When I had first made the decision to split, I was excited about my future and finding "me" again. With him still here, still lying, still not communicating, I feel like I am right back on the rollercoaster. Although he says he is doing online therapy, he doesn't discuss it with me. Last night I heard him come home from work and I got up to go to the bathroom. I found him engrossed in something on his phone as usual. I asked him what was up, and his instinctual response was to lie and say he was doing online therapy. I knew he was lying because he had quickly turned off his screen. I called him on it and he eventually told me the truth. He had been looking at porn (a disclaimer here - I could care less about the porn, it's the immmediate lying that I can't take anymore). He then rolled over and went to sleep. I have been up all night wondering how the hell I have stayed married to him for over ten years.

If you want my humble opinion about why your wife refuses to try again, here it is:

Having to initiate communication all the time is exhausting. Having to try and sift through the lies is exhausting. When you are in a marriage with a passive-aggressive man, it is so one sided. The only way you can stay is to compromise what you need from the relationship. You feel unloved. You know you and your happiness are not a priority to your husband. And there comes a point where the damage becomes so extensive that there is no more "forgiveness" or "getting over it" left.

I am sorry that your marriage reached the point of "no return" for your wife. IMHO, you are a good man with bad behaviors. Behaviors can be changed. I have no doubt that your wife probably still loves you, but broken trust is the hardest thing to move past. And I agree with everyone, the key to your happiness is what I've always told my husband he was missing SELF LOVE. Until you love yourself, there is no way you will allow yourself to be vulnerable and truly love someone else.

You deserve human contact and intimacy. Don't deny yourself that. I know it may be too soon to start "dating" per se, but even just being around other people in groups may help. And nyy anytime you need to PM me, I'm here!

Yeah, self love...whats THAT?!? I think I stopped loving myself after some painful decisions that I made (one in particular comes to mind) and Ihave never forgiven myself for that decision...almost like I don't deserve to be loved after what I did...something (like many other things I have done) I swore I would NEVER do!
I may never truly love myself, and at 47 that does not leave me much time to get with the program. I really don't like me, I just tolerate me cause I am all I've got.
I would like a relationship, but I see myself as nothing but poison.
So much for self love, huh?

Isn't it amazing how we look for forgiveness from other people but can't forgive ourselves?! Speaking for myself, I have disappointed myself more than once. I think the key is understanding why you broke your own rules. Once you know why, it's easier to see yourself as human and work towards forgiving yourself. No one is perfect, trust me I spent a great portion of my life trying to be - to no avail. But I can look at the mistakes I've made and understand why I made them. I have spent many an hour "getting to know me" and understanding my motivations. Why don't you give yourself a break and join the ranks of us "less than perfect" people?!

Whatever it is, whatever line you crossed, you have to get to the why. If you know who you want to be, you can be that person. But you have to accept the past my friend. What's done is done and you can't change it. For me, the best way to atone is to try to be the best person I can be every day. I may not be perfect, but I know my heart is in the right place.

I'm sending you hugs!

I have always been honest w/ my husband. Honesty has caused many an argument. I have admitted things that in hind site I wish I would not have. But I can't change that now.

I still believe honesty is the best policy. Honesty is difficult but lies only eat away at you. I applaud you for your honesty. You admitted things that were not easy. That takes on strong individual. So don't be so hard on your self. Your wife/x wife must have had more grievances then porn. That is hardley a reason to leave. I just wanted you to know that what you told her took guts so you are stronger then you think.

Oh yeah, there is much more. There is the financial failure (bad real estate deal, ran out of cash), the fact that I succombed to my depression and couldn't tell her about the financial failure, the online girlfriend I had made in the video game...we didn't talk, I was no longer very interested in her as my spouse...my depression just kept at me and kept me down so I was not interested in much of anything...I did manage to keep up with my daughter but I was always so stressed because I felt like she was pulling at me all the time to play and pay attention to her...so I would play with my daughter and shun my wife. Bad choice to shun the wife. Ugh.
But it is what it is now, and I have to lie in the bed I made, so I just keep on keepin on...cause that is what I do.

Oh Spirit
It sounds as if, like many of us, you are your own worst enemy, when we should really be our own very best friend. We are all still learning and struggling. I think thats what we are supposed to do. Like me you are 47. That's still a baby, and you have the rest of your life to move on, be a fantastic friend to your wife (who sounds amazing), be the greatest Dad, and try to be the person you would like to be. Just take one day at a time. Sometimes life sucks, but tomorrow will be better and you never know what is around the next corner. Good luck and keep posting.

That is actually HUGE. Being able to function is huge. So the situation is not that bad after all. With time there will be someone to share doing it with, but for now that you CAN do it is great news.

Oh where to begin. My husband just filed for divorce after 15 1/2 yrs of marriage. I don't blame him it was all my doin. We married when I was 21 an he 19. He took my 2 oldest kids as his own but I didn't know how to be a wife. He had me on a pedestal I was far from perfect . I didn't give what he needed and I couldn't love him like he wanted. I was damaged. Sexually abused at age 5 . I hurt him. We hv 2 kids together. It's been up and down. He wasn't the greates husband either he became an instant dad . To me he was more of a father type scolding his kids when he wanted to talk to me. I could never be the real me around him I didn't know who I was. But after 9yrs of being married I found my old HS sweetheart not intending to so anything just to see how he was. We started off just how's life kids spouses .. We talked but I nvr told my husband . One thing turned to another and we ended up having and emotional affair . Even when we got caught I took the blame and suffered the consequences . Not him just me. As time past it continued and continued .. And each time we got caught I took the blame. Be mind that this wasn't sexual all emotional and whey we weren't getting from out spouses. Well after 7yrs of doin this it has all come to and end. My husband files for divorce. Kicked my oldest son out of the house. Told me exactly what I was. Doesn't speak of my oldest son. Didn't buy him a Christmas gift or a birthday gift. Reminds me that he gave me 16 yrs. he always told me that I was sick in the head. And that he gave me everything. As for the other party well he's extremely happy with his wife and I tried to ruin his life and that he never did anything wrong. I've confessed my sins and I'm paying for what I've done . I've tried many if times to take my own life God just doesn't want me. I can't take any more pain.

I think that is great. Marriages and relationships come and go, and the real test is to be able to remain friends and raise children together with ex spouses. I have not been able to do it in either case. First ex H wanted to do 0% of child rearing, and second ex H insists on doing 100% and wants me to contribute a lot of money but not see the children. I cannot even tell you which way is worse, zero or hundred percent! Both are bad!

If you have been able to settle into cooperative child-rearing, then there is little trauma to your daughter and things are, more or less, OK. That is the most important thing! your situation is not horrible.

I know that for as bad as I think I have it, it really could be much much worse so I am grateful that we spend 80-90% of our time together getting along. I don't like it, but I can deal with the other times we don't.

I am sorry that you are in such pain. You are not alone.
An emotional affair can be as damaging as a sexual affair. God wants all of us. I, too was sexually abused by my own father from the age of 7. We tend to self sabotage our own relationships so don't be so hard on yourself. It is a result of the abuse. Try and get yourself a good, caring therapist. Please, hold on and know that you are not alone.

My wife separated from me last year in March. I understand and I can see from your perspective, believe me. Trust me, you are not sounding pathetic at all. The thing is that i went through all of that loneliness, neediness and even desperation at times the past year. It has been tough and I just want you to know it can get better and easier to cope with. It may take awhile, but whatever you do, don't push so hard to get her back. If she's done with you, it won't do anything but ruin what you have as a good relationship in taking care of the kid(s?).

More than likely, it wasn't one sided. I want to give you these words of encouragement, you won't see this right away maybe but still it is true. A marriage that works takes two people willing to work together, acommodate each other and support each other. By the same token, no ONE person can ruin a marriage, that is, unless one is, an abusive, psycho.. but then there was never a marriage to begin with. Thing is you may be depressed and deal with a lot of issues mentally but it always takes two people to make or break a marriage. Just because she is blaming everything on you doesn't mean it's true. And with that, I say I'm sure that you're a good person, and there's probably someone better out there for you - someday. Hang in there.

Pay attention to yourself, give yourself the attention and love that you probably (it sounds like) have neglected. With all your willingness to be apologetic and almost groveling to her, I'm guessing this is not new behavior. Stand up and try to find your individuality and focus on you and your kid(s). My boys are everything to me right now and it's really done wonders to keep me focused and keep going everyday. You'll find your place, even in singlehood. Life's too short to waste it on pining away for a mate. Best thing about it is that when you find your own way, and are content finally with yourself, someone will find you. It always seems to work that way.

Hope this helps!
~S4

You cannot tell the age of a participant in a virtual reality video game. I do not ever play video games, but I am familiar enough with the virtual reality as an objective observer to tell you that you cannot be sure of the age of a participant. You can only know how the participant represents herself.

Just as make this error in judgment not questioning the representations of the woman in a video game, you might also make errors in judgment assigning blame solely to yourself for a wide variety of things for which you and the ex wife were jointly responsible - see s4ndm4n2006's post immediately above.