[ChipmunkGal]

Please, please, please I beg anyone reading this post to provide feedback. Rather it be positive or negative, I just need someone to hear me out and say something, anything.

I've recently discovered that my "newlywed" husband has a sexual addiction. In particular, an addiction to porn. I'm devastated. He told me that he has been "battling" this for years and it has nothing to do with me....like he expects me to just accept it. On the other hand, he has been threatening to leave me and becoming very angry and harsh when I have been refusing to let him touch me and when I have crying/angry outburts since I found out about his "secret". I asked him why would he choose a woman on a screen and his hand over my body. All he can say is "She was available and you were not". Then I ask him why would he choose to look at another woman when he could have just used my pictures online to please himself instead. His response "looking at your pictures makes me angry, I have tried it".

We have a very active sex life, and typically have sex twice a day, daily and are very physically affectionate. I like to dress up for him and we do things to make it "exciting" but still despite this, he chooses a woman on a screen. I feel like this is a form of cheating. Even worse, I feel totally betrayed, worthless and disgusting. What is wrong with me?? Why can't I please him? I'm shocked because I thought he was satisfied sexually. I keep thinking about all of the conversations we had (before I found out about this issue) in which he would express to me how beautiful he thought I was and how great our sex life was....but those all feel like lies now.

Some of you reading this may have seen my other posts in which I've shared my struggle with body image issues/anorexia etc. Knowing that he prefers a woman with plastic surgery/fake over my body makes me feel even worse. I'm afraid to eat now. I keep thinking if I stop eating I could lose the rest of the weight I need to lose and then he wouldnt go elsewhere for sex. :'( To make matters worse, since I lost so much weight (I've managed to fit into a size 0 and children's size clothing now) my breasts are very small. He MUST be going to another woman because I'm just a worthless fat cow with no breasts. What do I do now? Why is he not choosing me? Why does a woman on a screen win him? What do I do? I can't imagine ever letting him touch me again. I feel cheap, used and like a prostitute now. Even worse, at least a prostitute gets to be "chosen" and not second choice like me. Someone please tell me where to go now.

[lynn P.]

((ChipmunkGal)) - right now I want you to take some SLOW deep breaths and listen. To be honest I was a little concerned for you because you had a bad break up a few months ago and then a whirlwind courtship with a new fellow and subsequent marriage.

Since he had this BEFORE he met you - this isn't YOUR FAULT at all. The fact he admitted it, is a good sign. It has nothing to do with how you look. Your weight and the way you look is fine...don't change a thing. He has an addiction and possibly an addiction to sex, since you're having it twice a day and he's also supplementing with masturbation. Now masturbation IS normal and even porn in moderation isn't too bad.

Is he is treatment for this. He needs to be in treatment but he needs to want to get away from this. The way you look or how good a wife you are, has nothing to do with this. I think you should give him a limited time, on the condition he seeks treatment.

What does worry me, is him saying "he feels angry when he looks at your picture" and that he gets angry when you don't want to have sex. If he continues to verbally abuse you or strong arms you at all...you should leave immediately. Remember this isn't about you - this is his problem.

[CedarS]

On the other hand, he has been threatening to leave me and becoming very angry and harsh when I have been refusing to let him touch me and when I have crying/angry outburts since I found out about his "secret".

This really concerns me also. This is a huge red flag. I strongly encourage you to get help, support, and therapy.

When you don't want to be touched, he should always always back off and let you be, without anger or other abuse. Always.

You have the right to not be touched. You can have healthy boundaries and he needs to respect them.

In my opinion ultimately this isn't about his porn use, it is about his abuse of you.

I believe you should get away from him.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
Anonymous & Confidential Help 24/7

[lynn P.]

Since this is a new marriage you could have an annulment. He shouldn't be treating you like this and the fact he's doing this so early into the marriage, is a red flag. Better to cut your losses now IMO.

[Perna]

I don't know; it sounds like you have your issues just as he has his but that you are making yours worse by taking on his, as if they were yours. Yes he's your husband but his personal problems are not yours; do you have trouble with your anorexia because there are starving children in the world? It's not a whole lot different, perhaps just harder to learn to stay in our own head and out of other people's; you can't imagine what he is struggling with anymore than he can imagine/understand your anorexia fully.

Are you all in couple's counseling? I would try that and see if I could make it work, in addition to getting personal counseling for myself. My second choice would be my own counseling, alone, to work on "my" problems. I think we do a personal number on ourselves by "ranking" problems; sex and money seem more intense to us than other problems, even if they're not that different otherwise. Your anorexia can kill you but his porn may/may not end the relationship but is not going to kill him. I would be alarmed at my own reactions and try to work on them than what my husband was doing/dealing with? Good luck to you both.

[(JD)]

Oh I'm so saddened to hear this.

It appears that marriage is not the solution for either of you. You both need to go to counseling to find better ways to cope. You both need individual and also couple's counseling, imnohpapo.

If the above isn't going to happen, can you get the marriage annulled?

Things won't change on their own. And you can't change him, he has to change himself and he can't do it alone (as he's proven.) He was untruthful with you and still thinks it has nothing to do with you. Not a foundation you can build a new married life with, if you ask me (and you did.)

I guess you need to write down your ideals for this situation. Then write down what you can change and what you can't. If you don't wish to annual the marriage, then maybe a separation? He needs to get the point that this is NOT what you signed up for and you won't give your life for it.

TC of yourself!

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello CG,

You have some really pertinent advice here from each person who has responded. I would think very carefully about your future. You would still have your issues even if you were in another relationship or no relationship so you need help for those.

His issue; the first question should be "Is it a problem for you?" if he says no, then you get out of there and start a new life. If he says yes and wants to do something about it then you have the option of working on it in therapy together or him alone.

Don't just leave it, it won't fix on it's own

[mlemontree]

Please at least take a break from this guy and focus on yourself as much as you can for a while. Life is too short to let one man take you for granted like this and he certainly doesn't sound like he's worth it. He's causing you great physical and emotional harm. Ask yourself if you feel cherished. You should be cherished! You sound like a wonderful, sensitive person. Take time to write down on a piece of paper what your ideal mate would be like, no matter how far-fetched that may seem. When you are done, read what you wrote. The man of your dreams is what you deserve, and you should not be with an abusive loser who threatens you and destroys your self esteem. Please, please put yourself first and don't waste any more time on him. He needs to fix himself, but that's his responsibility, not yours. You deserve joy in your life... I hope you can get there soon.

[sunsetsunrise]

(((((((chipmunkgal)))))))) There is a group called SLAA. I believe it stands for Sex and love addicts annonymous. http://www.slaafws.org/ You may find it beneficial to read the information there.

Are you in therapy for yourself? this is the most important thing. Even if he does not want to change this, you can work on your own issues. Please please do not judge yourself by the standared of his addition. Having read your post, I want to tell you that I already care deeply about you. Sometimes my heart just goes out to someone. And you are one of those people.

I want to just scoop you up and hold you safely and tell you that you are enough just as you are. Good enough. Beautiful enough. When your husband speaks about sex, its more than likely he is speaking through the voice of his addiction. I would never believe words spoken through the voice of an addiction.

I hope you are getting help for you. Because you deserve that. If he is not willing to get help, then you can. Sometimes when we get help for ourselves, the other peopel begin to change. So that might be incentive to get help for you.

Sending safe hugs for you

[soxcatch]

I'd be concerned about him saying looking at pictures of you makes him angry. There's definitely something wrong with him there, especially with this being a relatively new relationship.

Both of you can check out "In the Shadows of the Net" by Patrick Carnes (and any of his other sex addiction book), which covers sexual addiction using the internet.

I also echo bob1a's sentiments about pornography being extremely exploitative and the damage it causes to those in the industry. Check out the documentary "The Price of Pleasure."

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ChipmunkGal

he expects me to just accept it. On the other hand, he has been threatening to leave me and becoming very angry and harsh when I have been refusing to let him touch me.

I asked him why would he choose a woman on a screen and his hand over my body.

Then I ask him why would he choose to look at another woman when he could have just used my pictures online to please himself instead. His response "looking at your pictures makes me angry, I have tried it".

We have a very active sex life, and typically have sex twice a day

I think that there are several separate issues.

1) He is angry, harsh, threatening to you in person, AND, he reports being angered by looking at your pictures. That alone, combined with the fact that it is a marriage without children and a new marriage and, per Lynn (I have not read your earlier posts), an impulsive marriage, means that you should get out ASAP. As Lynn has said, cut your losses. Do not go into therapy with him. People go into therapy to salvage something. You have nothing to salvage. So going into therapy would be a waste of money and time. You made a poor choice acting on an impulse, so make a smart choice now by getting out with purpose and forethought.

2) You are wrong saying that he chooses the woman on the screen. He chooses you twice a day, which is not bad. You are not his "second choice". If he supplements it with porn, either seeking variety or for other reasons, that alone should be OK. I agree that being attracted to silicone implants on screen is weird and largely unexplainable, but whatever, since he does get attracted to fake airbrushed images, he does get attracted to fake airbrushed images and he has been attracted to fake airbrushed images for a while not in any connection with you in any way. He does have sex with you twice a day and he is participating in making it exciting and he is commenting positively on the sex life so all of that looks OK. It is a glass half empty half full thing - you want him to have sex with you three times and a day and when he only manages two times a day, it is a glass half empty for you.

3) It is not your duty to please and satisfy him sexually. You should refocus on paying more attention to your own pleasure and satisfaction, and if you do not get those, that would be another reason to leave him. If you do not like feeling like a prostitute, stop thinking like a prostitute: the main difference (besides the monetary exchange part) is in that a prostitute does have a duty to satisfy her client and, normally, does not have her own pleasure in her job description, while a wife does not have a duty to satisfy her husband and, normally, should get at least some pleasure from sex herself.

4) If you do not like the look of your breasts now, you should immediately resume eating. Nothing causes worse damage to the appearance of the breasts than weight fluctuations, nothing, nothing, nothing, so it is prudent to limit the weight fluctuations to the necessary ones (=pregnancy-related). He does like your body enough, as manifested by his having sex with you twice a day. So you should not change your appearance.

5) I think that he had a responsibility to explain part (2) above ON HIS OWN.
If it did not even occur to him to explain to you that he is not choosing the women on screen over you, etc. etc. he is not worth your time because he is a loser, he is being lame and ridiculous and all the rest of that. And, he lacks compassion. None of that looks good in a marriage partner!!!

6) If you fit into children's size clothing and are not eating, you need immediate help. I am not even sure how you manage to have sex twice a day. When I had anorexia, my sex drive went down. I cannot see how it is physiologically possible to be so small, eat so little, and yet be so sexually active. Sex is an optional thing - it is not needed for individual survival, and when we go into the survival mode, as in anorexia, the optional processes usually stop running. Apparently, not in you... At any rate, you need to at least move out. You can still meet him for sex. If you move out, you will be on your own, outside of his abusiveness, and he will be on his own and his porn use won't be hurting you too much. You will have boundaries. You cannot recover from anorexia in his daily presence while cohabiting with him - that part is clear as day. So if you enjoy sex with him, move out and limit interactions to the sexual rendezvous, and if you do not enjoy sex with him, move out and stop the sexual rendezvous. And, initiate the marriage dissolution process - you do not need to be married to someone to have sex with him once a day, twice a day, thrice a day, etc. All of that can be done without being married.

7) The silver lining: it is good that he revealed his harsh, angry, unreasonable and abusive side so early on, before children, enmeshment, financial dependency etc. Better to get out now.

[hamster-bamster]

Anorexia is often enough fatal, too.

"MORTALITY RATES

Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness
A study by the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders reported that 5 – 10% of anorexics die within 10 years after contracting the disease; 18-20% of anorexics will be dead after 20 years and only 30 – 40% ever fully recover
The mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate of ALL causes of death for females 15 – 24 years old.
20% of people suffering from anorexia will prematurely die from complications related to their eating disorder, including suicide and heart problems"

Eating Disorder Statistics

So if you face that statistical risk, and you have already stopped eating, and you fit into children's clothing and YET call yourself a fat cow (a typical symptom of anorexia to misperceive your appearance despite hard evidence to the contrary, your size being that hard evidence), you REALLY NEED TREATMENT TO STAY ALIVE. And you are concerned with whether you are satisfying him sexually. THIS MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!!! WAKE UP.

I also take it back regarding the possibility to move out and have sexual rendezvous if you enjoy them. Even if do enjoy them, to the extent to which his presence triggers you into non-eating, it should be treated as a life hazard and as such removed from your life ASAP, as you would remove toxic waste. In other words, your physical survival should be prioritized over the sexual pleasure you might receive from being with him.

All of it is serious. Non-eating is an emergency situation. It is not a minor problem, but a grave problem and an emergency matter that should be dealt with using the methods of disaster relief.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by ChipmunkGal

Please, please, please I beg anyone reading this post to provide feedback. Rather it be positive or negative, I just need someone to hear me out and say something, anything.

. On the other hand, he has been threatening to leave me and becoming very angry and harsh when I have been refusing to let him touch me and when I have crying/angry outburts since I found out about his "secret". I asked him why would he choose a woman on a screen and his hand over my body. All he can say is "She was available and you were not". Then I ask him why would he choose to look at another woman when he could have just used my pictures online to please himself instead. His response "looking at your pictures makes me angry, I have tried it".
.

On one hand, I will say, men are visual creatures, and unless this is interfering with your sex life, it may not be such a dilemma. It's the other hand, right there, what he said to you!!! Wow, that is awful, I am so sorry he spoke to you like this. Really, you, not available, twice a day?! really, looking at your picture 'makes' him angry?!

To me, his words over his actions are more harmful than anything else.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ChipmunkGal

I've recently discovered that my "newlywed" husband has a sexual addiction. In particular, an addiction to porn. I'm devastated. He told me that he has been "battling" this for years and it has nothing to do with me....like he expects me to just accept it.

He should have advised you of his porn usage before you married him. He should not have put you in the position of "discovering" it, especially if had reasons to expect that you would react as strongly as you did, and, I imagine, he should have predicted your reaction.

So you should treat the situation as follows: you married someone who withheld critically important information - "critically important" in that with the knowledge of that information you would not have married him in the first place. The appropriate response to this situation is an annulment (rather than divorce). I do not think that my position would find support in current law - in other words, I believe that you may still need to go through the process of divorce- - but I strongly recommend that you adopt this view of what happened in your mind, for your purposes.

[healingme4me]

Just an FYI, to be granted an annulment, one must present a copy of a legal divorce decree.

((know this from personal experience))

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

He should have advised you of his porn usage before you married him. He should not have put you in the position of "discovering" it, especially if had reasons to expect that you would react as strongly as you did, and, I imagine, he should have predicted your reaction.

So you should treat the situation as follows: you married someone who withheld critically important information - "critically important" in that with the knowledge of that information you would not have married him in the first place. The appropriate response to this situation is an annulment (rather than divorce). I do not think that my position would find support in current law - in other words, I believe that you may still need to go through the process of divorce- - but I strongly recommend that you adopt this view of what happened in your mind, for your purposes.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Just an FYI, to be granted an annulment, one must present a copy of a legal divorce decree.

((know this from personal experience))

wow... so an annulment is not a speedy, simplified divorce but something ON TOP of a legal divorce?

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

wow... so an annulment is not a speedy, simplified divorce but something ON TOP of a legal divorce?

Yes, I went through one. One would be hard pressed to get an annulment through the courts. Through a religious institution, mine took 6 days. The misinformation...he was never baptized.

That was news to me.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Yes, I went through one. One would be hard pressed to get an annulment through the courts. Through a religious institution, mine took 6 days. The misinformation...he was never baptized.

That was news to me.

I guess... if you extend this line of reasoning, then you can say that a person whose birth certificate was filled incorrectly has never been born, and you cannot marry a ghost - not in good faith, that is...

At any rate, glad that all the formalities have finally been taken care of in your case!

[NWgirl2013]

I dunno, leave or go.

I know what this feels like. BAD. In my case he was defensive about his "needs", defending it with this. (sigh, such a tired line of b.s.)

You feel criticized and compared, like so many sides of meat.

I did something. I dunno if this was bad or good, but it made me feel better & I got a reaction I did not expect.

I got his computer, found & saved numerous explicit pics of men. I put these in his favorites file.

I few days later, he came to me, tearful, wanting to know why! "Why do you want to look at other mens' bodies!!!" (cue: wailing sadness) "I don't like that! It makes me feel bad" (boo-hoo)
I did the classic question to a question, "why wouldn't I. They're amazing." And I assured him that if he intended to do that, then it was okay for me too.

I did it to make him see that it is a dirty business bringing that stuff into our new home, and we agreed that we needed a zero tolerance policy in our home for porn. (an easy bargain for me)
I dunno if he ever stopped. But it did make him think. He did treat me better after that.
That's my true story of porn...

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I guess... if you extend this line of reasoning, then you can say that a person whose birth certificate was filled incorrectly has never been born, and you cannot marry a ghost - not in good faith, that is...

At any rate, glad that all the formalities have finally been taken care of in your case!

Technically speaking....true story.(birth certificate is off, too, as I discovered, after the fact) Line of reasoning? No, he said he was baptized, then in the process of filing the annulment 'they' the religious organization couldn't find it on record...

{Add: I had an anxiety attack, in the middle of being married, when I realized that his initials don't match...birth record.soc security card. And I would never, in my wildest dreams, imagine, anyone, who didn't marry in a church, asking for proof, of a baptismal record. I just don't get what happened back in the 60's when he was born, but he's been working under one middle initial since 16, and somehow, his mom didn't realize this...and neither did he, or anyone else...}

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by NWgirl2013

I dunno, leave or go.

I know what this feels like. BAD. In my case he was defensive about his "needs", defending it with this. (sigh, such a tired line of b.s.)

You feel criticized and compared, like so many sides of meat.

I did something. I dunno if this was bad or good, but it made me feel better & I got a reaction I did not expect.

I got his computer, found & saved numerous explicit pics of men. I put these in his favorites file.

I few days later, he came to me, tearful, wanting to know why! "Why do you want to look at other mens' bodies!!!" (cue: wailing sadness) "I don't like that! It makes me feel bad" (boo-hoo)
I did the classic question to a question, "why wouldn't I. They're amazing." And I assured him that if he intended to do that, then it was okay for me too.

I did it to make him see that it is a dirty business bringing that stuff into our new home, and we agreed that we needed a zero tolerance policy in our home for porn. (an easy bargain for me)
I dunno if he ever stopped. But it did make him think. He did treat me better after that.
That's my true story of porn...

Since this situation comes up again and again under different threads, I will be copying your solution, via a link to the post. Already done once.

[Pretty_please1]

Wow! It's scary how close this subject hits home for me...I have been where you are, I used to get so angry over porn, feeling the same way - "why would you do that to me" had to come out of my mouth at least once a month or looking in the mirror just knowing I can never be "that kind of girl" ...BUT after growing up a bit and a little life experience ..trust me when I say what you are doing to yourself is much worse...and the women on the screen are nothing more than a prop. 1/2 the time a guy won't even be able to tell you what she even looked like ..lol! But if you keep acting out , of course you will keep being a turn off to him. Instead try acting in the bed room give him that fantasy , he should love it ! Give him a taste of what he is missing...good luck!

[Globetrotter1]

This truly has nothing to do with you and the first step is to really really believe that. That doesn't mean your discovery about your husband's porn addiction will not hurt like crazy and possibly even drive you crazy. It takes a while to let it sink in and realize that it is an addiction and not something he can just quit even if he wanted to. Whether to stay or leave....it depends on whether the two of you can talk about this issue in an open manner, addressing it as the big issue that it is. Unfortunately along with the addiction come certain ' traits'....like denial, blame, anger, not listening, not keeping promises, defense mechanisms etc. THAT is the added problem. Living with an addict ( of any kind ) who does not see the enormity of the issue or the impact it has on those around him is more than frustrating. It hurts. It drains you. It causes relentless constant tension. I can't tell you what to do as no 2 people are the same, but I can tell you that if he doesn't get help ( for himself and for your relationship ) , then think very carefully about what it is you need from a relationship and where you cannot compromise. Short term hurt is better than years of pain.

[Thorn Bird]

I feel so sad for you. I have had thoughts that my partner might be hyper sexual - he seems to take an unhealthy interest in women even when we are out together. I still don't completely trust him - I don't even though if he has but am sure he is an unNPD. If I were you I would be devastated and my confidence would be in shatters. I think you need time alone and he needs to get proper help if he intends to have a happy and fulfilling marriage and sex life with you - otherwise it will destroy you in the end. good luck

[doyoutrustme]

I have been in your shoes, and I have also beaten myself up over it. I think you need to hear what I needed to hear.

It. is. not. your. fault.

You are not unattractive because he has issues. Having more sex won't help. Getting a boob job won't help.

Get both of you in couples counseling, and individual if you don't already!!