When did you realize that it was really over?

Hello to all my fellow ladies on the forum in complicated and/or painful relationships/marriages. I have a question:

What was it in your situation that made you give up, and say "it really is over"?

I would love to hear all your experiences, as I am going through that painful decision for myself.


"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."

When you have the courage to look at the pail,,,knowing just how long it has been empty.

Lenny.

I hope you don't mind a males perspective,,,we have those "shattered" hearts too...

With care,

Lenny

Actually Lenny, I am more than grateful for a man's perspective! Thank you so much. I know men are often on the receiving end of an unfair relationship, but I find they react to situations differently than woman do, especially those of us who are moms. It is so difficult for us when there are kids involved, and I think we stay alot of the time just for them.

My situation is very confusing at the moment, I am torn between hope and hopelessness. Marriage is never easy, and it is really hard when it seems one person has put in all the effort and done most of the compromising.

For me it was when I came face to face with his infidelity. I had suspected he was fooling around for a few years, but I am not into "spying" or checking up on his whereabouts constantly, and I think I really didn't want to know the truth.

But once I found out for sure, I said "this is the end of the road for me." I am very proud of that moment. It signaled the start of my not willing to be a doormat anymore.

About six or seven mins after we married but I hung in there for fifteen years before finaly saying no more.

When my heart and mind finally came together and agreed that I had done all I could do to make it work and it wasn't enough.

That and having his hands around my throat was a pretty good idea it was time to move on

for me it was when I felt nothing for him. I stayed til the bitter end. I actually was trying to figure out how to get rid of him and not get caught. I knew then it was time for me to go.

LOL bebop!!!!!!!!!!!!! So glad you didn't follow up on your "fantasies", no man is worth forfeiting your freedom (although marriage can sometimes feel like a prison! )

And in all seriousness, you've kind of hit the nail on the head...not only do I still love him, I alternate looking at him with such frustration and anger for what he's done, and wanting to melt into his arms. He is the one person on this planet who knows absolutely everything about me, good and bad, and still says he loves me! I just wish his actions were equal to his words, but he would have to change alot of things (the way he thinks about marriage, learning to be a team, being "transparent", learning to communicate, being selfless, sensitive, etc. etc.) to make that happen. And then of course there is the trust issue...not so easy to get passed, especially for someone like me who has never really trusted men her entire life.

I am not afraid to be alone, and it's always been easier for me to walk away. This time however, it's not just me I have to think about, we have two and an "almost here" kids that I have to consider as well.

Can a man who is as damaged as he is, who hasn't lived honestly his whole life, really change? As I've said, I'm tired of getting hurt and disappointed when I let myself hope.

you still love him it is clear. would he consider counceling together? it is alot of hard work. my husband now is a non communicator. we are struggling but now he is finally working on it. we had a talk last night. he did tell me he did not open up to me anymore because he is afraid I will leave him.. I told him hey honey we have been together for 11 yrs now and I am not going anywhere unless he does change. you just never know hon. good luck.

For me, I suppose it's due to the fact that he called it quits and he won't return my phone calls, text messages, emails

For me, it was when he just stopped talking to me, and I was to stubborn to talk to him. Then the next day when I was going to apologize to him, he was holding hands with another girl in church =/
I'm not ready to say it's all over yet, it's insane what people will do to keep love alive.

Hm, yeah, maybe it comes down to two things:

1) Do I still love him/ her?
2) How much do I/we need to work to make things work

How does it go from falling in love and being together and everything being absolutely effortless and wonderful to list making? Oh, I know, it's willful stupidity, which could also be called 'optimism, faith, non-pettiness, self-belief' etc etc.

I don't know, Wounded, I'm trying to figure this out myself. If only things were as easy as looking into your heart and all those other simplistic notions of figuring out what you want and need.

I know what you mean about hope and the pain when it's not fulfilled.

Get couples counseling, now, if you can. Go right away, do it in an affirmative and practical spirit. Give yourself a chance, it's clear from your post that you want one! That's a good enough reason to try.
Maybe he can learn some things, and maybe you will too!!

Go for it!

I realized it was over after his third affair. In the past he convinced me and I convinced myself that we could work through anything. I was with him 21 years (17 married) and just couldnt let go and "give up". I am still sickened by the whole mess but finally realized that I deserve to be in a relationship where I am loved and respected as much as I love and respect him. I still love my ex very much but refuse to live any longer wondering who the next woman will be, when it will happen and so on. And my children have suffered enough through Mommy and Daddy separating and getting back together over and over. I just hope the hurt goes away one day so I can truely move on.

It takes a long time to grieve the loss of a marriage. Give yourself time and space to grieve, and don't push the grief away. Twenty-one years is a long time, so of course you are hurt and sad, no matter the cause of the break. I keep thinking I am over my marriage (I have been separated 9 months and am working on the divorce), but then more sadness will come. It is less frequent than a year or two ago.

Yes, monofrabi, you deserve a relationship where you are loved and respected!

Take care. And welcome to PC!

I'm still struggling with letting go.
I think he is seeing his "baby momma". The baby is 21 years old now and no one will confirm or deny what is happening. His horrible mother has been pushing this "broken love affair" for a couple of years now. She is always stirring up trouble and bringing up the past. He LIVES with her! (his awful Mommy) So, I think he is seeing her, I found out she is moving back to his small small community where they were first together. He still has sex with me. I have e-mailed them both to death today. Some one needs to come clean before I lose my mind altogether. My life has come to ruin because of this and I'm trying to get to a doctor tomorrow. I know it sounds crazy. It is....

Incidentally, she kept their son from him for 19 years and let him be raised by someone else. He is so stupid, he blames himself and I guess he is "in love" with her like his Mommy claims! God I hate them all!!!

I klnew it was over when I dreaded waking up in the morning and starting the day again with her;when being in a shelter was far better than being with her.

For me it was when he got caught meeting up with more and more new women after he swore he wasn't doing it anymore and after we'd been working on the marriage together and separately in therapy for months. It was when I caught him still doing it, he pretended he was suicidal and checked himself into a hospital for a week, abandoned his son on his 2nd day of school, promised when he was in the hospital he'd try to get a job, stop seeing other women and make it up to us, and instead - on the day he checked out of the hospital to go and live with his mother instead of us - he bought some viagra. Now who did he need THAT for?? He has been out of the house for over a month and seen or talked to his son only a handful of times. He is continuing to meet new people, tell new lies, and spend more of my and his mom's money. It's taken a long time to get past the denial stage and accept that the man I loved is gone. The body is there, the mind, soul and spirit are dead. The harder part is how to explain it to my son someday.

When do you realy realize it is over? This is a very good question.

I am also lost. I do not know if I can leave him or live with him. No matter what he does to tell me he is not going to be the person I would like to be married with, I keep ignoring it. I love him so much and it hurts even to think about leaving him.

It is really hard to pass the confussion. It is really hard to say, yes it is over. I should move on without him to have a better live, probably a happy life instead keep geting hurt by him.

" Should I stay, Should I go now"

I realized it was time for me to quit shortly before he realized it was time for him to start.
Why is it that they don't ACT as though they love you until AFTER they realize they've lost you? Sadly, by that time there is nothing left for you other than numbness.
If only he took my pleas seriously BEFORE I reached the point of no return. Once the love's gone.....it's GONE!