[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I'm doing okay, trying to get back on track. The last time I purged was 2 days ago. Wanting/hoping to be done with it forever.

I really want to lower my cholesterol

I hope you keep staying on track.

I have the purging type anorexia except it's all done through too much exercise. And I don't bother with calories & stuff. After a certain point (and I don't know what that point is in time or miles or anything), I just cross a line where I cannot possibly eat enough to make up for the calorie deficit. It's a weird thing too. If I were purging by throwing up, my husband would notice & his brain would jump right to, "Wow, the ED is acting up. How do we stop this?" But my ED is so weird in that I just do the running in the morning, and the rest of the day, I eat normally. Well, mostly. Lately, I have been stressed, so breakfast & lunch can get iffy.

I ran a lot today. Way too much. Not sure if it's punishing myself for not exercising yesterday or in preparation for the fact I won't be able to exercise much tomorrow morning as I have an appt. with my pdoc. Also, there is a 90% chance of rain tomorrow. I'm not sure if that's all day in general or part of the day.

I've been trying to find therapists, and so many get completely turned off by the ED thing. I try to tell them it is not my biggest problem, dealing with stress is (though that affects the ED a lot), panic disorder too, then the bipolar (especially dissociation), and the ED, but it's like they hear ED and they are done with you.

I am so frustrated with trying to find a therapist. It's like I'm banging my head against the wall again and again. I actually have a stress headache from it.

[LucyD]

Saw the Diabetes Educator today and will be going on medication for lowering my glucose. My numbers are not horrible but still too high in general. I thought I was doing better than I am apparently but still am not doing terribly.

Had a whopper with cheese for dinner. I threw out most of the onion rings as I thought how bad they are for me. I've been diagnosed with cirrhosis so I should not eat fatty foods or salt.

I really hate that I have to watch everything I eat now! Grrrrrr. I've been rebelling and eating the wrong things for several days but the only one I am hurting is myself in reality....

Tomorrow is a new day to start fresh but will I?? Hopefully.

[Blueberrybook]

Didn’t exercise today. Rain again. I think they are predicting a lot of rain here over the next few days, but it’s more an inconvenience, nothing like what people evacuating from the hurricane are experiencing. However, there is a tropical system in the Gulf of Mexico likely to become a named storm and looks to be coming this way. They are expecting a lot of rain over the weekend, some street flooding, certain roads are prone to flooding. I barely made it to my pdoc appt after rain had stopped, and a large section of a 3 lane highwa flooded. This, where there is basically woods on one side, a recently enlarged drainage area in the middle and then traffic heading the other way on those 3 lanes, grass and drainage, a few chemical plants. So it’s not like flooding in Houston where the water has no where to go, just streets and buildings.

Because of the rain, I cannot run, really upping my anxiety, and making ED thoughts hover over me.

Things in the CPS case might close it out soon, if only I could find a therapist that takes my insurance and there isn’t something like they are out of town, have a super strict cancellation policy ($50 even if your kid wakes up sick & you have to go to the pediatrician), I mean, do they expect you to see that well into the future? Will work on it tomorrow.

Pdoc was not happy that my weight was 1 lb. lower than last week. But really, just 1 lb. Hardly as much exercise this last week except yesterday.

[zapatoes]

Often I tend to have orthorexia and so today ate a cake donut and enjoyed it greatly. Do not feel one bit guilty or bad about it.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by zapatoes

Often I tend to have orthorexia and so today ate a cake donut and enjoyed it greatly. Do not feel one bit guilty or bad about it.

Yum! I like donuts, too.

still bad.

I really don't know what it's going to take to help me control my overeating. I really don't

[LucyD]

It's a new day. Didn't sleep all night. Trying to get back on track. We'll see how that goes...

Originally Posted by LucyD

It's a new day. Didn't sleep all night. Trying to get back on track. We'll see how that goes...

ditto with the sleep.

I didn't sleep all night either

[Blueberrybook]

Didn't exercise again today. Rain. The ED is making me beyond anxious.

I have an appt. to see a new therapist on Friday (doesn't specialize in EDs), but if going to therapy helps me close out my CPS case, I'm all for it.

Haven't done a great job of eating today, and I've been extremely forgetful thanks to my mail-order pharmacy (which my insurance insisted I use) not getting my meds to me in time, letting me run out of Buspar and nearly most of the others. Got my meds shipped yesterday after a 2 hour ordeal between Aetna and the mail-order pharmacy. Had to get loaners from my local pharmacy, which I highly prefer to the mail order pharmacy. Mail order pharmacy claimed yesterday they overnighted them, but they did not arrive with my mail today (though granted, my mail comes early, around 10 AM). If I hadn't called, I would have been out of the Seroquel 400 mg, which is one of my big ones, and the one that gets me to sleep at night.

Not sure if I need to call the pdoc about my forgetfulness worsening or wait a couple days, see if it gets better on lower anxiety. I thought the Buspar didn't do much for my anxiety, but after running out of it, I think I was wrong about that.

EDs suck. Just so tired of dealing with it.

[Blue_Bird]

I'm swirling between wanting to be healthy and wanting to restrict. I need to lose the weight I've gained from the bingeing/purging, can't stand it.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I'm swirling between wanting to be healthy and wanting to restrict. I need to lose the weight I've gained from the bingeing/purging, can't stand it.

I struggle too. I want to gain and stop at X number where I am still thin but not so bony. I want to be able to contain the weight gain to the last ounce, or I fear I will immediately become morbidly obese, despite never being obese in my life. I maybe needed to lose 5 lb. in high school and was uncomfortable with my looks, but I wasn’t even considered chubby, much less fat or obese. Though serious obesity runs on my mom’s side of the family. One of my two sisters is obese too, and I don’t want to end up like that.

But now there are clothes I don’t wear any more just to not freak people out. Bones, you know.

Did I do good today? No. I ran and ran and ran, maybe the farther pest I have ever run (though I have run/walked that distance before). Seeing a T tomorrow. Hope maybe she can help.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I'm swirling between wanting to be healthy and wanting to restrict. I need to lose the weight I've gained from the bingeing/purging, can't stand it.

I struggle too. I want to gain and stop at X number where I am still thin but not so bony. I want to be able to contain the weight gain to the last ounce, or I fear I will immediately become morbidly obese, despite never being obese in my life. I maybe needed to lose 5 lb. in high school and was uncomfortable with my looks, but I wasn’t even considered chubby, much less fat or obese. Though serious obesity runs on my mom’s side of the family. One of my two sisters is obese too, and I don’t want to end up like that.

But now there are clothes I don’t wear any more just to not freak people out. Bones, you know.

Did I do good today? No. I ran and ran and ran, maybe the farther pest I have ever run (though I have run/walked that distance before). Seeing a T tomorrow. Hope maybe she can help.

Had to pick up my daughter from school. She threw up 3 times. She cannot go to school tomorrow because they have a policy if the nurse sends your child home for vomiting, diarrhea, fever, they have to be well for 24 hr. before they can go back to school. The nurse said a bug is going around, but I think my daughter may be gearing up to start her cycle, and that will be fun as she hates blood. I was 12 when I started; she is only 10.5 but all the puberty developments are there. I especially started to wonder when she said her back hurt too. But my youngest sister threw up every time with her period until my mom took her to the gynecologist and she got on the pill. So we’ll see. I really hope if it is her period, she won’t throw up every cycle. She said she felt fine when I picked her up from school and hasn’t thrown up all day.

[mwaxy]

Ate with coworkers at lunch, even if it was just a small salad and tin of salmon. Luckily no one judges in that space That's really cool.

[Blue_Bird]

Trying to get back on track... realized I need to eat and that the restricting just perpetuates the eventual bingeing and purging. I see my nutritionist next week

[Blueberrybook]

Seeing a new T in around a half hour. Not going to mention ED if I can help it. That’s seems to put therapists off taking me on if they are not ED specialists. Right now damn bipolar racing thoughts & anxiety are #1 issues. I changed my top though. The tank top I put on today showed too many bones. Put on jeans and a short-sleeved shirt. ED hopefully looks much less obvious.

[Blueberrybook]

H told me today he believes I have bipolar and I have PTSD and panic disorder by not an ED. WTF? Of course, I have the type of anorexia that's easiest to hide, the type where people think you just exercise too much, that's all. You can stop any time you want. ED thoughts shouldn't guilt a person with purging type anorexia, especially if the purging is done in the form of overexercise?! I am skin & bones. He'd flip if he knew the number on the scale. Still I continue the charade.

Have been this weight several months but had a little scale drop today. I think I dehydrated myself yesterday running too much...(and in the background, the ED cheers, even if it's just water weight).

[LucyD]

This eating is a struggle for all of us here I see. I go from not wanting to eat at all to binging on a box of crackers. Why so extreme I wonder. I guess I need to find the happy middle of eating. I really have little appetite today. Didn't eat as many crackers as yesterday and they aren't high in calories. I hate the scale but am obsessed with using it much of the time. I need to try and just weigh myself once a week or month even. I watch every pound go up and down. I used to be bulimic years ago but it won't work anymore and now I won't even try because blood could come up my esophagus from the cirrhosis. Oh, what a life this is. I was so very depressed today I just kept going back to sleep. Everything shuts off when sleeping.

[Blueberrybook]

Got attacked by someone on the bipolar board for telling someone who kept repeating ED stuff to take it to the ED board...it doesn't really belong on BP and it is triggering for people who are BP with EDs.

Saw a new T today. I haven't actually been in therapy awhile, not for ED's or anything else like bipolar racing thoughts or needing better coping mechanisms outside of exercise. She seems nice and said she'd take me on. Granted, I did tell her I was only going to therapy at this moment in time because of my CPS case, but I would have tried again eventually. I always do. It's a pattern. I guess it's been around a year, year & a half since I tried therapy. The best news is the new T practices basically a 5 minute drive from my house, which is so much easier than having to drive 30-45 minutes every week to see a T, especially if driving makes you anxious & causes you to have panic attacks. I never knew there was a T so close, but she borrows space at a storefront in a nearby shopping center, which explains how I never knew there was a practicing T nearby.

We did touch some on the ED stuff. I was holding my breath there because once some T's hear ED, they are done with you and don't want to take you on, but she said she's fine working with me and uses CBT mostly. I have a lot of issues to work on; needing better coping mechanisms for stress instead of just exercise, bipolar racing thoughts, self-esteem that's in the ditch, having no friends, the ED (which I think goes back to child molestation as well as being raised by an angry, overbearing father). Made an appointment for next week, and I hope she'll work out.

[LucyD]

Glad you got a new t who accepts you as you are! That's always promising.

[-Astral-]

gained weight too fat need to loses it want to stop eating but my husband will make me eat

[Blueberrybook]

I ran this morning, but not as far as I have been running lately. I feel like I should have run more. I'm mad at myself about it.

Low numbers on the scale made the ED happy. I need to just throw out the damn scale...It is so stupid to tie your self-worth some random number that pops up in the morning. If it's lower or the same as yesterday, I feel good. If it's higher, I hate myself. I tend to force myself to run longer distances.

[Blue_Bird]

I am so disgusted with myself

Possible trigger:

I've gained weight. I don't even want to know how much!! I hate it, I want to rip off all the fat

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I ran this morning, but not as far as I have been running lately. I feel like I should have run more. I'm mad at myself about it.

Low numbers on the scale made the ED happy. I need to just throw out the damn scale...It is so stupid to tie your self-worth some random number that pops up in the morning. If it's lower or the same as yesterday, I feel good. If it's higher, I hate myself. I tend to force myself to run longer distances.

I feel like throwing out the scale too. You are right, I, too, tie my self worth to the numbers and my diabetic numbers too! Yeesh. I have to change that...somehow...some way.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I am so disgusted with myself

Possible trigger:

I've gained weight. I don't even want to know how much!! I hate it, I want to rip off all the fat

You are not alone in this. We all get disgusted. We are so much more than a body though.

short of it is...

ate all night (litirally), and just continuing today

yesterday I even had a KFC, I didn't even cook