[unaluna]

Blueberry, does your insurance let you use Optum mail delivery for prescriptions? I was afraid to try it but now i love it. Somehow USPS distinguishes it from everything else and actually delivers it. Well, so far.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Blueberry, does your insurance let you use Optum mail delivery for prescriptions? I was afraid to try it but now i love it. Somehow USPS distinguishes it from everything else and actually delivers it. Well, so far.

No, we used to have that, but then our prescription insurance changed to Express Scripts. Though really, I'm not complaining; I had TONS of trouble with Optum trying to talk to an actual person who could help me. My grocery store pharmacy only takes about 5 min. to drive to, and they are super helpful and efficient, and when the insurance won't cover much on a prescription they will run several prescription discount cards through for you without your even having to ask and give you the cheaper price.

[unaluna]

Yeah, it has been a hassle getting everything transferred over. When the voicemail would ask me, "would you like to leave a survey response about how much you like our system?", i swear i saw red!!! I shouted NO! every time! And i am usually very sweet and understanding.

[Mountaindewed]

I'm not really restricting on purpose. I think its just some dumb med withdrawel side effect.

[Blueberrybook]

Had little appetite today, sinus infection is raging. Of course, the ED thoughts like this. Couldn't even take a rest day from pilates despite feeling feverish, sinus pressure into the ears, sore throat, extremely hoarse voice. I did manage meals, just much smaller than usual. For all the ED stuff, I really haven't been sick in a long time, 4-5 years maybe? I really hate being sick.

I need to push hard tomorrow for a rest day from exercise.

[Mountaindewed]

I couldn't eat dinner. I felt too off. The whole thoughts in the back of my head were happy. I probably had atypical anorexia in the past. Idk. Or maybe somwhere between an ED and body image issues. I've gotten mixed messages my whole life. From your faking it, to you need IP.

[MuddyBoots]

Been avoiding doing an actual check-in in this thread for a while. I feel like saying more than "I'm struggling a lot" is going to be too triggering to put for here. But I did eat yesterday (and actually held it down).

[Blueberrybook]

Sorry muddy

I am forcing myself to take a day off from exercise. I don't like it, but my body is exhausted & still fighting this sinus infection. I really hate this.

[Mountaindewed]

My therapist said I liked the feeling because of my history. But she didnt freak out or anything.

Today is the same as yesterday pretty much.

[Blueberrybook]

Still managed to hold off on exercise. I really hope I feel better tomorrow though. Drove into town on a couple of errands, and yikes, my stomach did not like that one bit!

[MuddyBoots]

So I just realized how freaking small I’ve gotten and it’s weird I can’t see it. My mom kinda kidnapped me (she picked me up and brought me to her house consensually and is now passed the **** out so I guess I’m here the night which is gonna suck). So I had access to the clothes I wore during my most extreme ED relapse in Nov/December 2023, tried them on and can fit into all of them pretty comfortably except the one smallest pair of jeans that I have ever owned that I now can zipper up, button, and sit in it’s just not the comfiest. I did weigh myself and I’m just glad I did it so I can go home tomorrow not saying “I wish I weighed myself while I had the chance” all damn day. (Pathetic I would, but I am pathetic).

Fk it I’m gonna get a cab or something I can’t do this shyt.

[Blueberrybook]

I hate it too muddy. I got rid of all my tiny sized ED clothes, gave them to the Salvation Army! You really should do that! It was so freeing!

As for me, I can fit into my pre-Zyprexa clothes, but that's pretty much a return to my weight baseline as an adult, so I am not gung-ho to lose any more weight. Though undoubtedly, I would hate it if the numbers went up on the scale and love it if they went done. Stupid ED!

Should have taken another rest day from exercise because I'm still recovering from the sinus infection or whatever it is I have, but what did I do? Go power walking At least I didn't go as far as I normally do, but still.

[MuddyBoots]

I did that the first time I “recovered” and then missed everything subsequent relapses for some reason I thought it was a good idea to get rid of stuff like XC meet shirts and memorabilia like that. (Except I think it was to Savers, but same idea. Salvation Army would’ve been a day trip). (I want my battle of the borders shirt back though so bad).

Last time I didn’t “want to” recover but just kinda switched from restricting to binging/purging and “restored weight” non consensually that way and ended up keeping those clothes in my closet at moms way too long, then I realized I shouldn’t fit in them and put them in storage in the basement never really intending to wear them again. The bin WAS supposed to go on our next donation trip.

I only brought 2 pairs of jeans (that are even a little on the looser side) and a long sleeve home with me so I’d have something other than sweats to wear. But I do kinda plan on living in sweats when I’m not dog walking or doing training or at the clinic (and I mean scrubs are kinda close).

[Mountaindewed]

I restricted today without doing it on purpose really. I think its from getting off my AD. But the ED thoughts were a bit happy. As a guy going down too much on clothes often means I'm shopping in the boys department.

[MuddyBoots]

Is it really disordered eating if I look at the clock and say “oh shyt, it’s 7pm and haven’t eaten yet. Oh well tomorrow’s a new day.” And I write down on my to-do list “eat” and hope it’s something I cross off but if I don’t, whatever, there’s another day after that one? Like, there was no intent behind today’s lack of intake. I just didn’t have my meal plan taped to my forehead and forgot.

[Blueberrybook]

Definity still an ED muddy. What's wrong with eating at 7 PM and why skip a day of food? Plus, fitting into your tiniest clothes does not bode well.

[Blueberrybook]

Did pilates this AM. Pretty hard version for a video marked "beginner" but am so proud I did the whole thing and absolutely the normal amt of time to exercise. Still getting over my sinus infection but much better than I have been the past few days. May have to take some more Benadryl later on; it seems to work best on my allergies, well better than Claritin or Allegra. Doesn't last as long though. And last night I ate jambalaya (normal serving) with a ciabatta roll, fullest meal I've managed in several days

[MuddyBoots]

Because I’m not going to eat if I’m not hungry AND the excruciating pain is going to make me skip out on a night of sleep.

[Blueberrybook]

If your meds are causing you to forget to eat, then you need to push for something else. Most particularly if you are still on Adderall (an especially bad med for someone with an ED who is already way underweight). I have ADHD and it stabilized so much once I got my bipolar mania under control. If you are still having the excruiting gallbladder pain, then you need to really push for an earlier appt. with your GI. Tell them your weight has dropped to X and you and the size of clothes you can wear and you need to feel better for your job of working with dogs.

With an ED, you have to be proactive, or it will take over your life.

[MuddyBoots]

I can’t make other patients cancel appointments though. Should I just eat some deep fried something or other and go to the ER and ask them to take it out?

I don’t really want to go off the Adderall. It’s genuinely helping me not go beserk and stay on track during the day and do things like my DBT homework and read and write and not just pace aimlessly yelling at myself for 10 hours straight trying to figure out if the thing I have to do is Tuesday or Thursday because i accidentally threw out the paper I wrote it down on. I had no appetite before it either anyway. I think it’s more the topamax (they put me on it for migraines, to make Adderall more effective, because they thought it would make me not binge on Zyprexa (nope, the one time I did take the o-fat-zapine dose I did b/p) and impulsivity/mood stabilization, and it wrecked my appetite last time I was on it too).

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I can’t make other patients cancel appointments though. Should I just eat some deep fried something or other and go to the ER and ask them to take it out?

I don’t really want to go off the Adderall. It’s genuinely helping me not go beserk and stay on track during the day and do things like my DBT homework and read and write and not just pace aimlessly yelling at myself for 10 hours straight trying to figure out if the thing I have to do is Tuesday or Thursday because i accidentally threw out the paper I wrote it down on. I had no appetite before it either anyway. I think it’s more the topamax (they put me on it for migraines, to make Adderall more effective, because they thought it would make me not binge on Zyprexa (nope, the one time I did take the o-fat-zapine dose I did b/p) and impulsivity/mood stabilization, and it wrecked my appetite last time I was on it too).

Maybe ask to go off the topomax just for the time being. Could be the Adderall would help with Zyprexa weight gain and no need for the topomax. And you need to gain some anyway, could always get off the Zyprexa then. You need to start eating regular meals and snacks to get to a healthier weight. I am thinking too the less you eat at all, the worse the gallbladder issue will get at helping to digest ANY food.

[Blueberrybook]

And I don't know, for me endless pacing was more of a manic symptom (or possibly OCD) than ADHD.

Think about it logically. You NEED an appetite/and to eat regularly to get healthy so you can do your dog walking job (which will give you exercise as well so more calories burned). I know it's scary and the ED thoughts never want a person to gain weight, but you have to grit your teeth and defy them.

[MuddyBoots]

If it’s mania for me, then adderall helps my mania haha because I haven’t been doing that lately. I don’t need the Zyprexa other than “needing an appetite stimulant » which I think as long as I am able to function I am good.

It’s not like taking the zyp even helps me eat regularly. When I was in the hospital taking it, it did nothing until after meal time when I wasn’t allowed to eat so that was moot. I took it my first day back and practically panicked because I just kept thinking about how much I hated being on it the prior times I was forced to take it (never felt more like a failure as a hiker than attempting a kids hike on Zyprexa). It is a pretty much guarantee if I take it I’m going to go straight to binging and purging at least daily again like I did the last dose I took (and this is not the economy for that balderdash).

I am making it a point to put “eat” on my to do list every day (and I’ve already done it today!) and put the list on the fridge so it doesn’t get lost and everything that can get crossed off does get crossed off.

[Blue_Bird]

I ate lunch today now at 1:30pm instead of pushing myself to hold off till 4pm like I was considering. I’m getting better at noticing when I’m actually hungry and making sure I eat when I notice it regardless of feeling guilty about it. I ate 2 pieces of sourdough toast and avocado for breakfast but that honestly was not enough to hold me over and I was wondering why I kept thinking about food later, it’s because I was still hungry and it was past the time I normally eat lunch. So I ate some Alfredo just now. Glad I didn’t push myself till 4pm.

I’m taking a rest day today from exercise. Even though everything in me wants me to get on the treadmill. I’m not doing it. I’m just relaxing today.

I’m trying to work through the guilt I feel for eating

I found a tracker app that kinda tracks days since whatever you want to track. And I’m using it to track days since last eating disorder behavior. I really want to make it to 365 days without giving into ED behaviors. So no restricting, no bingeing, and no overexercising. Right now I’m at 19 hours so far without any ED behaviors. Yesterday I was obsessing about exercise and pushed myself to exercise even though it was supposed to be a rest day.

I’m really trying to commit to this intuitive eating thing. Me and my therapist are working on it.

[Blueberrybook]

@Blue_Bird That sounds like a wonderful goal. I know a big thing for me is overexercise. Not as bad as when I was super sick but still it's probably more than I need. Yesterday, I managed a full rest day and today a pilates video that was under a half hour.

I try to practice intuitive eating though at times it's easier said than done. But I have at least gotten myself to decide if what I'm feeling is hunger or boredom and to recognize if I am hungry it is because my body needs fuel and to try and eat something even if I hadn't planned on it. It's not easy, but it is important to listen to our body signals.