[Mountaindewed]

Yeah. This is for sure from the Prestiq. I lower the dose by 25mg more tonight. I'm just not feeling hungry and when I do I'm eating decently. My mom says I'm doing a lot of calorie restriction though.

[MuddyBoots]

Hey peeps with blue in your names, your EDs and psychotic symptoms ever combine? Like, lay up all night (thinking you’re) listening to your neighbor talk about your weight and eating and exercising habits?Maybe be at a point you’re paranoid they’re (neighbors, treatment team, family, government, the vet clinic, the Dunkin’ Donuts guy, anyone, really) going to intervene in some coercive and abusive way?

[MuddyBoots]

Okay, even I know it’s full-fledged ED season when the calculator comes out both before and after breakfast.

[Blueberrybook]

muddy, nope can't say I've ever had that happen. But when I get psychotic, I REALLY get psychotic. Black out 4-5 days with just flashes here and there and mostly think I am talking to God. Though I have flashes of screaming at other patients in the psych ward, a nurse helping me dress (after a shower I presume), being fed (mostly just the smell of the food, not really thinking about the eating). I can't even talk at home when it comes about, don't form words but twice I've apparently gone around the house just throwing up at random places (nothing to do with the ED) more the lack of an ability to talk, to communicate. It's very weird.

[Blueberrybook]

muddy, take care. You have to remember to eat and for goodness sake, DO NOT count calories!!

[MuddyBoots]

(Speaking of throwing up in random places) I threw up (involuntarily) in the street on my way to get meds this morning. I do NOT feel well today.

But then I’m having decent conversation with the med nurse 15 minutes later about screwing up my violin bow and looking for a new one probably sounding pretty good.

Talk with my case manager today (supposedly, practicing not making assumptions so I’m mentally prepared for her to not show up and will not freak out when she does not. I will also not freak out when I find out my therapist is not in the office at our appointment time tomorrow or when my pdoc has some other emergency at our appointment tomorrow as well).

[Blueberrybook]

I overexercised this morning. It's stressful here today, having extensive pipe and foundation work done; it's loud, there are cords plugged in all over our house, 6 or 7 guys working on it, mostly digging, in and out of the house because they are adjusting the rest of the foundation too (we have a lifetime warranty with them on that). It's just our garage is attached to the house and needs 5 additional support piers because it is sinking. Our pipes are rusting through; it's clogged out master bath sink.

So it's just WAY far from normal especially with H at work today and only the foreman speaking English (and I barely remember any high school Spanish).

Yeah, I'm stressed.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Hey peeps with blue in your names, your EDs and psychotic symptoms ever combine? Like, lay up all night (thinking you’re) listening to your neighbor talk about your weight and eating and exercising habits?Maybe be at a point you’re paranoid they’re (neighbors, treatment team, family, government, the vet clinic, the Dunkin’ Donuts guy, anyone, really) going to intervene in some coercive and abusive way?

I haven’t personally had that happen but it sounds scary

Sometimes I get anxious thoughts (different than what you’re describing) such as “they’re probably whispering about me and think I’m fat” etc stuff like that but I get that about a lot of other stuff too, since I’m really highly self conscious and low self esteem

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I haven’t personally had that happen but it sounds scary

Sometimes I get anxious thoughts (different than what you’re describing) such as “they’re probably whispering about me and think I’m fat” etc stuff like that but I get that about a lot of other stuff too, since I’m really highly self conscious and low self esteem

I am the same way @Blue_Bird. I'm way too self-conscious and have low self esteem despite doing some impressive things when I was younger and getting through (mostly) some terrible PTSD stuff. And still my self-esteem sucks. Even with being a mom; my daughter is much closer to H; he is able to drive her to events I just can't handle the drive (or event) for. Makes me feel like a SHYT mom

In reality most people are too wrapped up in their own lives to be thinking/talking about me.

[MuddyBoots]

Whelp. Hopefully my pdoc will take me seriously tomorrow because apparently I haven't known how to talk like I'm in crisis with my case manager in like a year despite being almost constantly in and out of crisis mode for the past year. I guess I can just smile through it and say, "yup, supposed to take a training course to walk dogs soon and set up shadowing" meanwhile if I stand up too quickly I will pass tf out at this point or if someone says the wrong thing I can repress it for five minutes until I'm alone and then be a threat to myself. Yeah, I've improved and it's ****ing great when no one believes you're struggling.

[Blueberrybook]

muddy, that sounds incredibly frustrating, especially when you are practically begging for help and you STILL don't get help and your team says you're doing great. How do you not just go the F*KK off on them?!

[MuddyBoots]

I do sometimes, but when I do (if it’s at my case manager) she just acts like it came out of the blue and there was no reason for it because later I calm down and am “fine” again.

Let’s not talk about your toxic positivity, and let’s make me think I’m making mountains out of mole hills every time I start going downhill until mountains become erupting volcanoes.

[Blueberrybook]

Managed just a gentle pilates video today. Feel a bit anxious about the lack of calories burned, but I know it is what my body needed today. Also don't have tons of time this morning as I'm going to my sister's house because our water will be off today due to extensive pipe work at our house.

[Blueberrybook]

Oh my goodness, I really need to cut down on the exercise. Maybe I'm having some problems because Monday I was listening to my old ED playlist (why haven't I deleted it?!). I haven't been able to use my SAD lamp consistently for maybe 3-4 days, and I think that is throwing off my mood towards bipolar mixed which mixed or depressed tend to be my baseline state. I did use my lamp the normal amount of time today, and I hope with consistent usage again things will improve for me.

[Mountaindewed]

I didn't really restrict I just wasn't hungry/not feeling all that great/getting off meds/getting the crap scared of it by my doctor on Monday.

My therapist would call it restricting though.

[MuddyBoots]

I feel like I’ve reached a no turning back point. I’ll try a bite of food and it’s like “nah, this ain’t worth screaming on the floor if I swallow” and spit it out. I managed a few crackers my neighbor gave me. She saw me crying in the laundry room the other night.

I have a PCP appointment tomorrow but I’m not gonna force anything. I’m just gonna be like “yeah, I’ve tried getting help but I think I explain bad and I can’t put up with this pain so I think I’m just gonna eat crackers for the rest of my life so don’t worry about referrals or making a follow up or anything.”

I know if I didn’t have this ED, the chronic wanting to be dead and all related self-sabotaging bs from BPD, if I had trust in our healthcare system, I’d be more proactive and assertive, but that’s not the case, so.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm so sorry muddy. Is it possible for your PCP to push for psych hospitalization if you tell her what's been going on, all of it? The rapid weight loss, the pain, the not eating, the SI thoughts, feeling like you can only eat a couple of things that definitely don't provide anyone with adequate daily nutrition, the low potassium, etc.? You really do need to be frank with your doctor, muddy. Things have to turn around and if they can't/refuse to find a problem for the gastric pain, maybe say fine, I'll go with psychosomatic, just help me please! I need to be somewhere where I can eat the calories I need to eat to stop losing weight. Really, I can't realistically see you going another 2 weeks, maybe not even another full week living like this before ending up in the ER from lack of nutrition whether the cause is all or partly physical or intertwined so much with the ED it's impossible to know where one begins and the other ends.

Write everything you wish to convey to the doctor in an easy to read bullet point list. Heck, type it up, give it to the doctor, say this is what I want to say is going on but I have a hard time remembering everything when the time comes, so I typed this list up for you? Perhaps preface it with saying, "I really really need help, but no one is listening to me! Please listen to what I need you to hear!" Remember to add that you are now afraid of risking refeeding syndrome on top of everything else.

[Mountaindewed]

I guess I halfway restricted after like 11AM. But it was just because my stomach hurts. I did tell my therapist I worked out too much yesterday.

[MuddyBoots]

I don’t want to be freaking hospitalized and “get okay” and get out and be ready to kill myself within five hours again. Okay, just not worth it the 50th or whateverth time. I don’t care if it’s medical, ED, or psych. I’m done. I’m fking done. Nothing is worth any of this bs that is probably never going to truly end anyway so why should I bother.

I’m gonna let the pain from the last cracker subside, then try not to open up my skull and go to bed. This day can go to Hell, this week can too, and you know what, this entire fking year can.

I see no point in trying anymore.

[Mountaindewed]

I have restricted a bit today but I am legit not hungry.

[MuddyBoots]

It’s all okay guys! I talked to someone from the states mobile crisis line last night, and I don’t need protein or potassium to see tomorrow, I just need positivity!

Positivity> protein, just remember the important things. (My case manager must be able to thrive for years without consuming anything with the amount of positivity she has…)

Apparently if you try hard enough you can will your way out of anything. Heart attacks, paralysis, hypothermia, dying from being trampled by a moose, cancer, anxiety, psychosis, you name it, just think it’s not so and it won’t be! Wisdom from CHRISTA herself.

(She would not tell me if you could will yourself the other way, into dying, though, through sheer brain force alone)

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

...(She would not tell me if you could will yourself the other way, into dying, though, through sheer brain force alone)

My idiot brother told our mother that yes, her own mother did indeed do this, because of our mother. First, do no harm?

So you can either listen to him, a phd (liar - ed d.) psychologist, or listen to me, a bs mathematician / computer scientist who has been doubling her usual daily protein all week and finally lowering her stupid blood sugar. Coincidence? I dont think so!!

[MuddyBoots]

I don't know, might try thinking my blood sugar down to 30s and see what happens with positivity that I'm not going to have high blood sugar

[Blueberrybook]

Sorry you are struggling so much muddy and can't seem to find anyone to help you

As for me, I'm doing a bit better ED-wise at least yesterday and today. Yesterday, I actually did do extra snacking to make up for my recent hard exercise. I really am missing pilates but because of an injury on my from my left thumb into the lower wrist (from a fall over a heap of dirt while having pipeline work done). It's definitely a bruise, I'm thinking maybe a sprain too. Long story short, I can't bear a lot of weight on that hand, and the pilates videos I do usually have a lot of weight bearing on the hands and sometimes just on one hand. Anyway, for the time being, for exercise I'm stuck with walking, which isn't bad, just it burns a lot more calories and I need to be vigilant about it.

This afternoon, I am baking banana bread though, something much higher in calories than pop-tarts which I had been eating for lack of anything else breakfasty that was quick. I really do need the calories to replace what I lose in these hard walks especially as they are now in pretty uncomfortable warm, humid weather, and that burns extra calories on top of what you'd burn a bit lower temperature.

I did awesome with intuitive eating yesterday, and I hope I can keep it up!

I've been less focused on my weight, at least, and I'll take it!

[MuddyBoots]

Oh I’ll find someone to help. It might be a felon but close enough.

Glad you seem to be having a better go of it lately though!