[Blueberrybook]

Quiet thread here lately. How is everyone doing?

I slowed down the exercise today, pilates. At least I'm regularly alternating pilates between power walks. It doesn't burn nearly as many calories but it is good for toning and core strength. Plus, it is not as hard on my body physically. I often have SI joint and hip issues.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm tired of ED thoughts in my head and just want them to go away. I'm pretty much maintaining my weight but still exercising too much. It's the thoughts that get me. They never have gone completely away, quieter at times but louder of late. Just ignore them, push on through. I know things will come around to getting better, they usually do eventually cycle around again.

[Blueberrybook]

Overexercising but at least I'm eating enough to maintain my weight.

I really wish I could be done with ED type thoughts. Don't eat that, you'll get fat; no, I exercise a lot, I need the calories, but it's a COOKIE, that is a BAD, BAD food! But I eat healthy most of the time, want to get fat? Nearly all the women in your family are fat...! But I take more after my dad's side of the family, the women on that side are not overweight, but your mom is, your middle sister is, bad genetics...and didn't you eat birthday cake with H last week?! The scale is not moving, maybe it's broken, no it's not, the scale at the pdoc's says the same, F*KKing scale! My current weight is healthy, I don't need to lose...! OMG, just make it STOP already!

[MuddyBoots]

I don’t have a scale. I want to see if I’ve lost weight which is dumb, I know I have because my pants are loose, but I need CONFIRMATION that they’re not just stretched and I need QUANTITY!

Not even eating disorder stuff, just lack of appetite from focalin but the ED obsessiveness wants the deets.

[Blueberrybook]

muddy, that sucks. EDs are SO intrusive in our thought patterns. It's good you don't own a scale but not great about the lack of appetite. You should maybe discuss it with your pdoc or is the ED thinking secretly pleased with the lack of appetite and not wanting to bring it up to the pdoc? I know yesterday I didn't eat very well because of being nauseous (I always am mid-point in my cycle), and while I was hating the nausea the ED part of my brain was happy I didn't eat much...sigh.

[MuddyBoots]

The ED part of my brain is thrilled with the lack of appetite, but I did mention it to my therapist and she said she would mention it to my pdoc. I going to bring it up with her, but I’m waiting until my appointment in a little over a week. It doesn’t feel like too much of an emergency to lower the dose or stop it immediately because I AM eating every day, it’s just not “real meals,” I guess. I’m kinda reverting back to my actual ED days of (actually gonna edit that part out because even though I’m not really eating them as “safe foods” that’s what they were at the time. Now they’re more “low-effort foods”).

I’m hoping I just adjust to the med soon. The Focalin really feels like the “heaviest duty”prescribed stimulant I’ve tried (granted I’ve only else tried Ritalin and Concerta which is basically extended release Ritalin). Focalin is also methylphenidate, but its DEXmethylphenidate so slightly different somehow (not sure exactly haven’t read up but I assume similar enough but different enough).

[Blueberrybook]

Ooh, sneaky, sneaky ED thoughts are happy that I've lost a little weight, not much, and my BMI is still normal albeit low normal. Though over the past year I have lost a good amount of weight for me anyway but most of it is what I put on when I started taking Zyprexa (which I'm off of and back on Seroquel). Didn't even need to undo the button to get my jean shorts on yesterday, and that had the ED part of my brain overjoyed. You'd think it had won the lottery or something. I wish I could switch these feelings off and accept my body is just fine the way I am, I'm not fat at all, but ugh! Then I will read the "what have you had to eat today thread" and feel like an absolute blimp because I've eaten so much compared to everyone else posting...sigh.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Ooh, sneaky, sneaky ED thoughts are happy that I've lost a little weight, not much, and my BMI is still normal albeit low normal. Though over the past year I have lost a good amount of weight for me anyway but most of it is what I put on when I started taking Zyprexa (which I'm off of and back on Seroquel). Didn't even need to undo the button to get my jean shorts on yesterday, and that had the ED part of my brain overjoyed. You'd think it had won the lottery or something. I wish I could switch these feelings off and accept my body is just fine the way I am, I'm not fat at all, but ugh! Then I will read the "what have you had to eat today thread" and feel like an absolute blimp because I've eaten so much compared to everyone else posting...sigh.

I put that thread on ignore. Just something to think about. Also keep in mind I'm not sure everyone on that thread starts their day off with a long power walk or jog and pilates!

Most of my jeans are kinda huge on me now too, and rational part of me is kinda concerned, but that part's pretty quiet compared to the ED voice screaming "but you still have pants that are tight!!!" unfortunately

[Blue_Bird]

I’m doing well in terms of not obsessing about weight loss and starving myself like I used to. However my anorexia nervosa binge/purge type disorder seems to have morphed more into the other side into binge eating disorder recently So I’m working on that

[Blueberrybook]

Sorry about that @Blue_Bird...I think EDs are notorious for morphing that way. But judging from your picture the other day, you definitely are not overweight and don't have any weight to lose Mine hasn't really but I still have the compulsive exercise part to deal with. For the most part, I do OK since I eat enough to maintain a normal BMI though the ED is delighted I lost all the weight I gained on Zyprexa now that I am back on Seroquel instead. I really hate EDs. I don't think my thoughts around my body image (body dsymorphia really) and weight will ever be normal Though what exactly is normal? Especially when it comes to women and their weight.

[Mountaindewed]

My therapist brought up my eating disorder history. And I still am not 100% sure I have one or if I'm just in denial. I think I might have one thats like not really there right now. Like if your getting heart issues and have prediabetes then you kinda need to lose.... my mom says my therapist is the one with the issues. My pdoc is a pill pueher. I have cyclic vomiting syndrome. Its a medical condtion. Not an ED. Like I got sick on Saturday because I was excited about my haircut. Because emotions can trigger episodes.

I mean, its possible ED stuff can come back if I do ever legit lose. Right now its not though.

[Blueberrybook]

I think maybe your T's issue is with you not eating healthy balanced meals and snacks? Otherwise, if you need to lose weight and your T makes it too much of an issue, have you told her that bothers you? And that you need to lose weight because of the BP and cholesterol? Though really you also should do your best with avoiding triggers of the cyclic vomiting like fasting too long, eating foods you shouldn't, not drinking soda, better management of stress (coping strageties).

If your T can't see eye to eye with you on the need to lose weight, maybe it's time to look for another T? I mean, hasn't your T also done unprofessional things like exercising during your sessions? Really definitely NOT good therapy form at all especially if she still is doing that.

[Blueberrybook]

Didn't do well with eating today. Was just nauseous and off. Of course, the ED is overjoyed, but I really can't be. I am very lucky my pdoc has not looked my weight trend over for the last year because I'd no doubt get a lecture. At this point now I've got to maintain my weight but certain phases of my cycle make things hard. I'll go for a walk tomorrow; that usually gets my appetite up.

[Blueberrybook]

Why do I keep reading the "What Have You Had to Eat Today?" thread in the coffeehouse? I need to put it back on ignore. It makes me feel like I'm going to soon be super obese, the amount of food I eat compared to everyone else. I really, really, need to ignore it again! OK, it's back there on ignore. It wasn't doing me any favors.

[Blueberrybook]

Bad day today has me feeling mean-spirited and wanting to brag about my weight to someone. I shouldn't be bragging. I'm barely hanging there at the normal BMI level and probably should gain a couple of pounds. But I'm feeling quite vindictive towards this person. I don't even know if this is an ED thing or just an I'm in an EFFing bad mood thing.

[Blueberrybook]

Why does an ED honestly make us feel we're worthless if we weigh 1 lb. more in the morning than yesterday and on top of the world if we weigh 1 lb. less? Is my self-worth even linked to my weight; no, it is not; and yet in a bizarre way it is! I am so sick of this BS!

muddy, how you doing?

[Mountaindewed]

I was looking at pictures of skinny trans guys and then my cyclic vomiting syndrome acted up real bad. So I emailed my therapist about it. I know my GI said smells and thoughts can trigger an episode. But like is there like some kinda other issue going on. Idk.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm at a point now where I really need to be careful. I have a normal BMI but only just. The pdoc wasn't happy when he viewed my weight loss since last year. So tricky when you feel fat all the time even though of course "fat is not a feeling" as they say in therapy. Though sometimes I totally think it is.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Why does an ED honestly make us feel we're worthless if we weigh 1 lb. more in the morning than yesterday and on top of the world if we weigh 1 lb. less? Is my self-worth even linked to my weight; no, it is not; and yet in a bizarre way it is! I am so sick of this BS!

muddy, how you doing?

I’m back in “too sick for PHP not sick enough for IP” territory when it comes to the eating disorder. Just got out of psych inpatient trying to get into eating disorder treatment but don’t belong anywhere my insurance will pay for 🙃

[Blueberrybook]

I'm so sorry muddy. Insurance sucks

ED cycles are so scary to break, but worth it too, you stop feeling like such crap all the time, well, physically...mentally, I don't know that I ever WILL get over it

[Blue_Bird]

Therapy today was mostly focused on my ED and ED history. We went through different parts of the intuitive eating workbook. Also went over what signs would be if I start slipping into restricting or obsessive compensatory exercise again, and ways to not go to either extreme of starving or bingeing. And paying attention to hunger cues. And various other things

[Blue_Bird]

I think I’m gonna get rid of my bathroom scale. Like just get rid of it because it drives me nuts. I’m either obsessing about my weight and on it too much. Every time a lower number appears I get a hit of dopamine and it makes me feel good about myself and fuels ED behaviors and every time a number isn’t what I want it to be I feel like garbage about myself. Probably best to get rid of it. I need to stop basing my self worth on a number.