Hunting for Acceptance

Hi folks,

I would like to know what people think about those three words - hunting for acceptance. There is so much written in psychology about families and acceptance, and yet it seems so simple. If we didn't bond in our childhood we spend the rest of our lives looking for what we didn't get.

As adults the acceptance hunt becomes complex and carefully disguised, but the feelings are primordial - 'choose me', 'love me', 'don't leave me'. I have had all these feelings and they strike with a visceral power, impossible to ignore.

My understanding is that the only way to defeat the feelings is to live through them and stop playing the 'choose me' game. There is no way that the void can be filled in adulthood that was not filled in childhood, IMHO we just have to accept the loss. That's my take on it anyway. Maybe it's the hardest thing that a person can do, to really accept that level of loss.

Cheers, Myzen

HMMMMMM. I'm not quite sure if I totally agree. I think as a child were not quite sure how to fit in or to come right out an say, Choose Me, Love Me.

As an adult, we deal with it differently, I agree with you there. I'm not quite sure that because we didnt have certain things in childhood doesnt mean we cant have them as adults. At least I hope not. I mean we cant go back in time and fill the void but I beleive if we can accept certain things from childhood, perhaps we can learn to change it in adulthood.
For instance, I recently confronted my mother about my feelings of abandonment and lonliness as a child. I explained to her that not having her at home, bringing different men home and not being there for me physically and emotionally was very, very hurtful to me and explained that because of her neglect, my childhood was robbed from me. Do I think, I can ever get that back? No. But I do believe that with Therapy, and keeping the communication open with my mother we can repair our relationship and start from today. At least I am hoping it can be that way. I also feel that loving yourself, knowing yourself and working on low self esteem is a big part of it too. If you dont have inner love and acceptance for yourself that you will constantly be looking for in other ways. I am currently working on this in therapy so I cant tell you any more on that.
I think this does raise a very interesting question and I am gald you asked it. I hope I didnt go off on a tangen and answered the question correctly. Thanks Myzen. Take care of yourself.

interesting q -- can't type much for a while but will ponder . . .

Sigh. While I agree that we cannot replace or regain what was not given in childhood, I disagree with that idea that we must suffer the loss of it forever as an adult.

We can find acceptance as an adult. As a child you couldn't possibly understand the dynamics of relationships. Now, as adults we can. Acceptance does not come from others. It comes from inside. It is when we master acceptance of ourselves that we command it from others... and they usually obligingly comply.

We are not what others think we are. We are not our jobs, our homes, our work, we are not what we own or will buy. We are human beings. By that very fact alone means we are worthy of acceptance. If we do the best we can, then what more can we do? We accept that we do the best, at the time, for the situation, that any human can do. No one walks the exact same path we walk, and therefore they cannot adequately "judge" us. When we learn to judge our "self" by our own standards (and not what someone taught us out of neglect?) then we have the choice to stop "hunting."

What do you think?

Myzen,

Wow, that has been my quest all my adulthood. "Acceptance". As a child I was denied the feelings of acceptance. As an adult, it's a power that at times is so strong a need, that it drives me to deny my own self. Putting myself in relationships that were neglectful, abusive or just empty-- ever needing that "acceptance".

I also, like Jen, did try confronting my mom and was faced with ridicule and invalidation ( my mom is NEVER in the wrong). It took all the inner strength I could muster just to face her and to be shot down was devastating. ( BTW- Jen--- I'm so so happy for you- I think it's great how you've reached out to your mom and she reached back)

Perhaps, there does come a time when one needs to acknowledge the loss and move on-- for some of us-- there is no closure in the way we would like it to be. In this case I believe it's to one's best interest to seek help, be it clergy, therapist or close friend- and learn to love and accept ourselves-- be our own # 1 fan!!!

Don't know about you Myzen, but for me.... it's going to take a lot of help! Confidence and self-esteem are almost non-existent in my being.

I wish you luck with your quests.. and hope you find balance in them!! You're welcome to PM if you need to talk.

Mandy

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

For instance, I recently confronted my mother about my feelings of abandonment and lonliness as a child. I explained to her that not having her at home, bringing different men home and not being there for me physically and emotionally was very, very hurtful to me and explained that because of her neglect, my childhood was robbed from me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi jmo,

Gosh, you actually did it! Maybe I should have explained that my rather bleak view comes from the failure to achieve what you have achieved.

I never said a word to my now deceased mother about any of this, but I did try to confront my (abusive) father before he died. He listened to me with a kindly smile on his face, thought for a while and then said, "It seems to me that you have made yourself the victim."

That was the beginning of my seven year depression, which is now clearing a little. I have realised finally that when the door is firmly closed, the best thing you can do is to stop knocking. I know it's bleak; I think that's why I needed to share this stuff yet again.

Things are better these days, but the feelings still bubble up now and then. Maybe that's the best we can hope for.

Cheers, Myzen

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

We can find acceptance as an adult. As a child you couldn't possibly understand the dynamics of relationships. Now, as adults we can. Acceptance does not come from others. It comes from inside. It is when we master acceptance of ourselves that we command it from others... and they usually obligingly comply.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi Sky,

Yes, I agree that a lot of progress can be made in adulthood; my worry in my own case is that this progress is built on shaky foundations. I have sometimes called it 'the baby within'. My feeling is that we can learn to satisfy the adult but we will never be able to fully satisfy the baby.

However, maybe we can learn that we are no longer fundamentally the baby. I think it's possible, but hard not to slip back when another full-blown rejection crops up. The patterns run so d*** deep.

As mentioned in another thread, one strategy I have used is to be my own father figure; to behave towards myself in the way that I would have wanted a father to behave towards me. That was a big breakthrough.

Cheers, Myzen

Thanks, Wants, 2b1, Ozzie, and Wise for such helpful input.

Ozzie, you were the first person to welcome me to Psych Central, and I haven't forgotten that.

Cheers, Myzen

Geeze, I must have been a very strange child. From what I remember of my childhood, I was very embarassed by my parents. I don't exactly know why or how, it was just the feeling I had. As I grew older, I realized that in order to get their acceptance I would have to be less that what I knew I was capable of being. I would avoid being with them as much as possible. For some reason I felt that if I was accepted by them I would be stuck being like them. Even at the age of 52, I don't understand much about where those feelings came from. I always felt the need for education, they saw no need, saying education destroys values. My Mother was a housewife, always there for the family. I always saw myself with a career as far back as I can remember. I never could relate to my parents, nor them to me. Even at the end, I looked at my Mother last year, realizing that her choices in how she cared for herself ended up being her end. Not being aware of what was going on until too late, but couldn't just pin that on her lack of education since my friend from college died from cancer less that a year before my mother did. It was sad because at the end, I was treating her as the child, trying to protect her from her stupid decisions &amp; wants that caused me so much trouble even now. I look back at my parents more as what not to do than examples to follow. Why would you ever want to be accepted by a situation like that. There are times I wonder if I ever want acceptance but more to be "acknowledged" as me, not something someone else wants me to be. I always found that being accepted ment that I had to be something other than what I was &amp; what I really want is to be acknowledged for what I am.

Don't know if this makes any sense....I always seem out of step with others in my thinking. Maybe from background, maybe the convoluted way I think.

Debbie

(((((((((((((((((((Myzen)))))))))))))))))))

When confronting parents about childhood wounds that still haunt us today is a very difficult thing. I waited 20 years. It takes every ounce of courage we can muster up to even get to the point where we can confront our parents. I was expecting the worst reaction from my mother and that isn't what I got at all from her.
I am sorry you had a bad experience confronting your father. I think not having closure really hinders the healing process. When someone can not admit their wrong for hurting another person, particularly their child, really adds to the pain and frustration for the person on the receiving end. Take care Myzen. Thanks again for asking this question. I think it was very important.

I would like to bring this up: I have been criticized many, many times in my life for making myself the "victim" and, the concurrent claim with that, that I don't take "responsibility."

On the other hand, I am advised not to "blame" myself, and to be kind and compassionate for myself.

Sometimes I see that the victim in myself; sometimes, "stuff happens," and I don't see that I'm at fault. I'm angry still about some stuff that happened.

The 12-step AA program says that there is no "righteous anger" and our sobriety depends on divesting oneself of the notion that there is.

It's easy to think, "My anger is just hurting me. I need to let it go." But how does one let it go?

What is this mysterious balance between not being the victim and not blaming oneself?

I am puzzling my way through this.

By being abused by my stepdad as a young child, I never had the right father figure. My T says that I have been searching for my "father figure" and that is why I sometimes find myself too close to older men. She told me once that since my hubby and I have been together for 12 years that I in one way or another look at my hubby as a father figure. I am afraid to make him mad at me, Afraid if I do he will leave me! I won't make a descision with out him. My T says that I am going to look for acceptance until I understand who I am. (which sometimes I don't even know me!!!!) I am not willing to live with it, I am determined to beat it!

Myzen, wanted you to know that I read your post when it first came up. I can a quick answer, but decided to wait and see what others told you. I read those answers, but have waited to respond to you. This time, I didn't read any of the answers so I've forgotten what others have said so it's like starting fresh for me.

In regards to your statement of dealing with the loss as an adult; you don't need to do that. You also don't need to "hunt" far and wide for that acceptance.

My mom never let me forget that I was a complete dissappointment to her. At times, I still think I need acceptance, especially from my kids and my husband. I'll never get what I need from them. So what have I done? I've learned that I need to accept myself just as I am. I've learned to "re-parent" myself. In my mind, I see three little girls; one is three, one is eight and then a rebelious, watchful teenager. These are the ages when I was traumatized. I've learned to recognize when the three or eight year olds are pitching fits because they never had a voice at that age. At that time, I give those two little ones what they want or need. My adult sometimes has to let the hyper-vigilant teenager know that she has the adult me to take care of all three and she doesn't need to get defensive.

In short, your "hunt" for acceptance starts and ends with "self." If "I" accept "myself," then whether others accept me or not is not is not as painful. It still hurts, but not as badly or as long. After all, your greatest responsibility is to yourself. You live inside yourself. In the end, it's you that's alone with yourself in those minutes between sleep and wakefulness.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
In short, your "hunt" for acceptance starts and ends with "self." If "I" accept "myself," then whether others accept me or not is not is not as painful. It still hurts, but not as badly or as long. After all, your greatest responsibility is to yourself. You live inside yourself. In the end, it's you that's alone with yourself in those minutes between sleep and wakefulness.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

WOW!!! What a very thought-provoking thread. I too, am always hunting for acceptance. I didn't receive it in childhood either. I know that probably is a great contributing factor in why I crave it so badly today. Like someone (sorry, don't remember who) already mentioned, I too, have non-existant self-esteem and self-confidence, something I'm currently working on in group therapy. It is hard for me to accept myself when I'm so often rejected and abandoned. But Tomi is right, it does begin and end with us, or at least that's how it should be, because when the day ends, it is ourselves that will always be there and we can't alway know that others will. But even with knowing that, I do still desperately crave acceptance from others. I don't think it is to really replace or to make up for that need as a child that was never met, but moreso that same need that I have as an adult today. Who among us doesn't want to be accepted? Sure, there will always be somebody out there who doesn't like us, and I'm finally coming to the acceptance, pardon the pun, of that. That was a very hard thing for me, to not require the acceptance of everybody. To some degree, I do still want that but I also know that is very unrealistic. But I do very much so, look for acceptance from some. I guess what you're maybe trying to get across is that if you accept yourself, there should be no other need to gain acceptance elsewhere. I think it will take me a great number of years to ever reach that point, if I ever do. Therapy, therapy and more therapy

I hope I've replied this thread with some sort of an intelligent reply, my brain is in a *fog* again today and all I want to do is .

When you find self-acceptance, then others will accept you easier, too. You stop making excuses and apologizing every time you THINK you've done something wrong, it shows in the way you interact with people and the way you carry yourself. It's easier to laugh at your self when you make a mistake. But most of all, it frees you up to work on those areas that need improvement, and let's face it, we all have those!