[tallguynolove]

Hello there,

English is not my native language (dutch is) so please dont be to harsh on my grammar.

So this is really hard to explain, I am a 22year old guy 6,4ft and i have a athletic build. I mention this since everyone who i meet tell me i look handsome. I know this sounds cocky i and i hate people who tell this sort of stuff, my apologies for this. I find it necessary that you know this. I am very confident and am not scared of anything, which is also a concern.

I reflect on my life allot from even the smallest decisions, like: What should i eat today? I can think on this for several minutes, and i way out the pro's and cons between my food options. I have always let other people decide what i should do, since i really dont care what the outcome is going to be.

I see myself in bad daylight, i dont compliment myself, which makes me proud. I dress well, and i exercise allot to be in top physical shape because i find it my duty as a human being to do so. I always like to say to myself "you dont need any excuses to sit in front of the T.V for hours on end, and you are telling me you cant do 30min of exercises per day?" I Haven been applying this for several years now, and i have only NOT done my daily workout routine 7times in 5years.

Also i live by my ideologies, nobody can change my mind on things. I find that if you compromise on anything in your life you should be ashamed.

I have always applied these things and many more to my life, in order to live a highly disciplined lifestyle. I have allot of people who like me, and who look up to me. Strange thing also is that i can pick out people who are not trustworthy instantly from large crowds.

So with this info i hope you have a small idea of what kind of person i am.

NOW for the main question: Why dont i feel love?

For as long as i can remember my father and my mother have been hating each other. And large parts of my childhood consist of my mother being drunk, and my father shouting at my mother or the other way around. My father always avoided hitting my mother by going to bed early. So my mother would drink untill the early morning, after which she would strumble her way to her bed. I think i can say there was 0 affection in my family. I also have a brother who i dont find worth mentioning, we always fought (all 22 years, verbal, and physical) I respect him for being a hard worker and a strong man. I can sense he deals with the same problems i am having.

I also have been lied to for many years, my mother would always tell things about my father. He did this, he is a piece of ****, and she would prettymuch blame him for the bad things in her life. I believed this untill the age of 12 or 13.

I knew then what a alcoholic was and i often thought my mother was one. The MOST memorable thing for me whas the day that i asked my mother (i asked here at least 500times or more) if she had been drinking during the day. She told me no, No, No i havent i havent been drinking for a week now. While saying this she tried to lean against the doorpost but failed because she ...was simply to drunk, and i knew this. And so did my father who always worked from 06:00 till 21:00. He knew all along that she did stuff behind his back and he pretended he didnt know about it...Or at least he did not show it to us.

I can go on, and on about my past. But i find that irrelevant, to myself, I am a strong man now and nobody messes with me. I actually hear people say "MAN! I would like to know how you are when you are angry" Why i do not know.. . i AM a very emotional guy, when it comes to opinions.

Also, i have never had a girlfriend in my entire life...MANY girls always tell me, that i am a player. I always tell them i am not but they fail to believe me, and the same goes for me. How can they say such a thing while not even knowing me? I have never felt anxious around woman and i never try to impress them (why?>) I am just nice to them and get on with my business. I found myself going to a bar a while back with the thought tonight ill bring a girl back home. I sat at the bar, talked to the bartender and thought to myself: "What am i doing? who am i kidding? what do you need a girl for? tHEY ONly bring trouble" " No money, no honey" (also i dont think in acquisitive terms, which leaves me thinking in experiences rather than in "having" something for the sake of having it.) So i went back home and watched some tv, scolding myself and telling myself that if you want to be free and live life to the fullest you do not need a woman.

Also kinda strange is that if i DO feel for the opposing sex i check internetporn, masturbate, and after doing so i instantly lose all interest in the opposing sex...

I have not hugged my father for about 8 years, my mother the same, and my brother i have only hugged when i was crying sitting behind a giant vase while my parents where fighting and throwing plates through the house (i was 5 and my brother conforted me he is 3 years older than me.) (Even now i am tearing up just thinking of this.)

I love tattoo and have around $24.000 dollars worth of tattoo's on my body. I currently plan on working here in hanoi vietnam. In order to kitesurf a bit, and get a mayor backpiece done.

So what is wrong with me, why does everyone keep telling me i am such a nice guy, and a handsome man, I apparently have 20 girlfriends (never had one in my whole ****ing life). I ****ed a few times, but the same goes with the masturbating, i instantly feel nothing (even while ****ing) after the orgasm.

So wassup?

(also, i talk a certain way since that is how i thought myself english. VIA MOVIES, and television, and videogames.) i SPeak german, english, Dutch, CHinese mandarin and like to educate myself.

So dont judge please

22 years old, male

[shezbut]

Hi tallguynolove,

Not feeling any love towards others or yourself makes sense to me, given your past.

Why should you love your parents or brother? Have they shown you love? NO.

Why should you love yourself? Because if you were worthy of self-love, you would have already been shown love by family members.

Forgive me if my assumptions of your thought pattern is incorrect...you can post, "Wrong!" and we'll go from there.

Sexual intimacy, and your lack of emotional bond to others, goes along with your lack of self love. In case you haven't heard it already, they say, "You can't love anyone else if you don't love yourself."

That concept has been very difficult for me to accept for many years ~ believe me! I still struggle with the concept. But I can see how this applies to your lack of interest of developing any relationships. You aren't willing to put your emotions in any relationships. I hope that I don't sound as though I'm yelling at you ~ I'm just saying it like I see.

I would recommend working towards accepting your childhood. With a professional, who can validate your emotions and guide you through discovering who you are. It can take a while ~ I've had to do the same thing myself ~ but self-discovery can be pretty cool. It's fun to discover that I do have real interests, and accept that I also have compulsions. I've yet to develop self-love. I hold tightly against that idea. But I will admit that I'm not real evil or "deserving of misery". THAT'S a big step for me!

Hope that this makes sense to you. Best wishes!

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello talguynlove

Please don't take this the wrong way...it is not a judgement of you it is simply an observation through the window you have given me to look (your post). I respectfully disagree with shez.

From a simplistic point of view you don't love anyone else because you are too in love with your self. Vanity is a strange thing, we can either not have enough of it and suffer with poor self esteem or we can have way too much of it and be almost sociopathic whereby we don't give a tinkers cuss about what others think let alone what they might feel. Sociopathics need no one, want no one and do things for their own enjoyment and satisfaction.

For the common variety of vanity being so self focused leaves little room for caring much about others or what they might think of us but when it comes to communicating with a sociopath they would feel intense anger at an imagined slight or insult, even a perceived judgement (which I do hope you understand is not what I am doing here, If there is judgement to be had I would be judging myself first), can bring on anger, anxiety etc. The sociopath prides themself on being the best at everything, in their own estimation.

You don't mention whether you take medication or see a therapist or if you have been diagnosed yet. This makes it difficult to know exactly how to support you; friendship is a good place to start and I welcome you to PC hoping that we can get to know each other as friends would.

I really do hope that you see a doctor and get tested for some diagnosis so that you more than others know which direction you are headed in and so that you are aware of which areas you need help. Mental illness is never an easy thing to deal with, but if you know yourself it is easier to put up with because you understand yourself and why you are behaving or reacting to any given stimuli.

I hope you receive the support that you need, from here. There are so many wonderful people on PC who do not judge and are able to openly discuss many issues without it being a problem; there are friends in the making here at PC and there is little to no judgement,

Rhiannon

[little*rhino]

holy bat crap....

believe me... i know many austrians and dutch, it's not vanity, it's a semi-cultural je ne sais quoi.

tallguy i think many things can lead to how you feel and it does make sense based on your history. The thing that struck me though is that you've created a sort of fortress of your life and mind (no one can change my mind on things). Life isn't like that and it's bound to lead to unhappiness in some way or other. If it were possible to live that way and be happy more people would and then less people would do "irrational" things like fall in love.

you are meant to walk in this world and this world isn't perfect, and neither are you... stop trying to be perfect, stop trying to adapt to overly high ideals and routines. At the end of life no one measures how well we stuck to our diets of how we kept our houses. There is no award of happiness for being the most fastidious about organizing your life and habits.... it seems to me you keep everything so tightly run that you aren't allowing yourself to connect with the part of you that can feel the less "controlled" emotions.

you need some time to just BE... without rules. Eat something messy in bed... stay in pajammas for a whole day... just let yourself be free

i think right away you'll go into warden mode and start chastizing yourself, but why? what for? Where are these ideals written down as somehow better way to live? How do you measure a better life? id suggest measuring it by love and friends.

learn to be good enough.. not perfect

take a lesson as well from eastern philosophy about strength... the chinese say the willow is the symbol of strength because it bends and does not break. Being rigid leaves you brittle and you will eventually snap under the strain. Learn to go with the flow and let yourself be fully human... not some ideal.. bend, don't break.

[tallguynolove]

I have many friends, and i tend to give about these people as my own family. I never measure myself with others, i live free that is what i know. But quite a important part of my life is trying to implement Miyamoto Musashi's 12 rules, and the subset of those rules.

I have Realize that you cant have everything in this world.

-Know the advantages, and disadvantages of everything.

Also worth mentioning is that i like to spend money as soon as i get it. Mainly on the stuff that keeps me occopied, but also on my friends. Buying dinner, coffee, or just a random bottle of wine to show them how much i care for them..

I DONT do this to single woman (that are interested in me) i try to avoid them, with the thought they always have a hidden agenda.

Do you see yourself here, tallguynolove:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/23798
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/chi...of-alcoholics/
http://www.mental-health-matters.com...article&id=434
http://www.mental-health-matters.com...article&id=434
http://alcoholism.about.com/od/adult/a/quiz_adult.htm

[tallguynolove]

First link prettymuch sums it all up. Indeed no middle ground, that is also what the book of 5 rings is known for. (the 12 rules and subsets)

Well i can relate to all things. One thing it doesnt mention the feeling of controll. I have always avoided fights, because i am afraid of what i might do to the other person if a fight does happen.

Thank you for the links, quite informative. Its hard to reflect on what is wrong with yourself, so reading a article that give a nice summary is always helpfull.

Anyway today i made a big decision which i guess is best for me all my friends here in vietnam tell me its the best option for me.

I wanted to go to holland to pick up some clothing (stay 1 week), and go back to vietnam which would cost me $1750,00

A hard decision to make but i was glad all my friends helped me out, and i think in the long run this is the best.

Thank you again for the links, great, clear read.

[little*rhino]

tallguy, children from difficult backgrounds often develop patterns of behaviour that are perfectionistic and focus on various means of control. For some, that comes out in eating disorders, for others it's avoidance of situations like relationships. I think, from what you say about fearing yourself ina fight, that you are so fearful of losing control that you block yourself from attraction to potential partners.

we can have responses and reactions to things that come from a feeling or experience without still having that same feeling. I have anxiety responses, for example. They began in anxiety as a young child but continue as an adult when the feeling of anxiety is no longer present - it is conditioning. Growing up is conditioning in various forms, hopefully good and healthy, but when it isn't the conditioning can result in mechanisms that do not work so well.

children of anorexics often have food issues, with a number of them becoming obese to compensate for the parent's lack of eating. Kids who see parents exhibiting a lack of control may well become overly-controlling in their own lives.

i don't know a lot about the 12 rules... but i know that one rule in life seems to transcend everything - love. Love is the basic goodness that exists in us and between us. I don't think you are vain at all, in fact, whether you openly know this or not i think you actually don't love yourself enough. A person who controls themselves to extreme degrees, without middle ground, is denying their basic human nature. To hold to ideals rigidly is to try to force the universe to function differently than it does. It doesn't allow for mistakes, failures or just the process of learning.... and it doesn't allow for forgiveness.

if you feel compassion and other "soft" feelings toward your friends, do you feel them toward yourself?

[tallguynolove]

of course not..I dont love myself and i dont see that changing anytime soon. WTF does that even mean anyway? My apologies if i come off snobby but this really doesnt make any sense to me.

[Muser]

love yourself- feeling worthy, appreciate one's talents, truly having a favorable opinion of oneself....self-acceptance

[Michah]

Hello there!

The first thing that jumped out at me is "This man lives an inauthentic life". In other words, your measure of how things are is based on the terrible experiences you have encountered with your parents. That is your only measuring stick on how to base your own relationships. I am not surprised that you do not understand love in its entirety, nor understand its pure face.

The fact that you question and seek answers is a VERY good thing. It means you seek insight which is the start of healing and forgiveness. In order to break the cycle and avoid your own self-fulfilling prophecy, you must start being honest with yourself and forgive yourself for not "loving" in the way you want. Would you think I was a little off my rocker if I said that you are on the path to love anyway? By acknowledging your TRUE needs and wants and forgiving yourself when you can't, is the path of enlightenment and wisdom. It is not easy at all and it can be very painful on this path, but you will get what you need and want, because you DESERVE it.

Why do you not compliment yourself? Why do you think you cannot love? Is it because your parents did not validate you? You are loved and you matter, regardless of the past, regardless of how others may have treated you. The more you hold on to others versions of how you should live your life, the less authentic you will become, which will lead to great unhappiness. Take back the power by accepting unconditionally others terrible transgressions, forgiving them for it, and making your OWN joyful life. You do not need others to tell you that you are worth it, you only need tell yourself and BELIEVE it.

Like I said, it is not easy, and the path can be very dangerous terrain, but you are not alone, you are a precious human being who deserves to experience joy, as we all do.

Keep going dear person. You are on the path to true love and joy. Keep talking.

In stillness,

Michah

[tallguynolove]

One is enlightened in a Taoist sense when one can grasp Te, and through it Wu Wei, leading to harmony with the Tao. How to know when you're enlightened is a bit of a trick question, because when you are enlightened, the question won't be important anymore. Thomas Merton described it quite nicely in his paraphrasing of Chuang Tzu:

THE TRUE MAN

What is meant by a "true man"?
The true men of old were not afraid
When they stood alone in their views.
No great exploits. No plans.
If they failed, no sorrow.
No self-congratulations n success.
They scaled cliffs, never dizzy.
Plunged in water, never wet.
Walked through fire and were not burnt.
Thus their knowledge reached all the way
To Tao.

The true men of old
Slept without dreams,
Woke without worries.
Their food was plain.
They breathed deep.
True men breathe from their heels.
Others breathe with their gullets,
Half-strangled. In dispute
They heave up arguments
Like vomit.

Where the fountains of passion
Lie deep
The heavenly springs
Are soon dry.

The true men of old
Knew no lust for life,
No dread of death.
Their entrance was without gladness,
Their exit, yonder,
Without resistance.
Easy come, easy go.
They did not forget where from,
Nor ask where to,
Nor drive grimly forward
Fighting their way through life.
They took life as it came, gladly;
Took death as it came, without care;
And went away, yonder,
Yonder!

They had no mind to fight Tao.
They did not try, by their own contriving,
To help Tao along.
These are the ones we call true men.


No mention of loving yourself or life...

[tallguynolove]

Even the dalai lama said.

Love leads to clinging, clinging leads to suffering.

[Michah]

All philosophy or doctrine is open to interpretation. You take a book (Tao Te Ching) that was written in bits and pieces thousands of years ago by Lao Tzu and try and apply it to modern life. It is very difficult, but not impossible.

And in most of these texts, love, in the way we know it, is not mentioned, because it was written during times of war and unrest. Love is a word we apply to a bunch of feelings, but it is society that dictates how those feelings should be measured. You cannot measure love, nor its contents. You cannot hold love up to a microscope and inspect it. Love is slippery and just as soon as you think you have defined it, it changes and morphs into something similar, but not the same. Strange is it not, that we have an easier time of defining and describing hate, loves' polar opposite?

The quote from the Dalai Lama may be true, but in what context was he using it? Was he speaking of obsession? of possession? of self-conceit? I am not disagreeing with you, but having come across a lot of eastern philosophy over the years there is the issue of language, context and interpretation.

In the words of Lao Tzu:

"Tao called Tao is not Tao.

Names can name no lasting name".......

So love is not the same definition for everybody, but that is my point. Is love nameless like Tao? Is it part of Tao? In my mind it is. Everything we feel whether it be good or bad is Tao(the Way). It all equals the sum of all our parts, that is why I believe that love is neither good nor bad, it just is. It is how we live through love that makes the difference.

Thank you for your reply. And everything I say is just my opinion, just my interpretation. And no, I cannot name enlightenment or know its true face, but I do know that enlightenment never stops and true wisdom is never reached, but in knowing that I do not know wisdom means I possess a certain kind of wisdom. I do not seek it, but let it come to me. It is a very hard journey sometimes and I am still learning, so thank you for making me think about it. For someone so young, I think you possess more insight than you realise.

You are loved. I guarantee it.

Michah

hi tallguy. it sounds like you had a pretty difficult upbringing. you might want to check out some of the literature for adult children of alcoholics (aca). it's a 12-step program. i'm not from an alcoholic family but i fit the description and found that program to be really, really helpful. one thing that happens in dysfunctional families is that the kids take on different roles in the family. it sounds like you've taken on the role of the "hero" who is one who is very accomplished and brings a sense of acceptability to the family. there are underlying problems though with each role. here are a couple of charts that gives a lot of good info on the various family roles. because of the problems you encountered in dealing with your mom it isn't surprising you are having a hard time with relationships with women. there is hope though. there is a lot of help out there if you want it. feel free to pm me if you want more info on ACA.

To me, true man sounds like a stoic; an automaton. Of course, I know nothing of Taoism.

Christopher Reeve speaks more to me when he said, "I think a hero is an ordinary individual who finds strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles."

[tallguynolove]

Well

I am more the "Lost child" i also believe that i dont want to get any older than 40. And with the ways they are currently, i can get the set "the grand plan" in motion hopefully after februari. Gives me something to work toward, few goals and such, and then well c.

Thanks again for all the info though. Again very helpful people, _" Do not intend to rely on anything" (Shinmen Musashi 1645) . WHich i will apply to all the information given. I read it, absorb it, and thats it.

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Christopher Reeve[/COLOR] speaks more to me when he said, "I think a hero is an ordinary individual who finds strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles."

byz, "hero" is the terminology they use in aca for this type. i think they are using it in a different way than you are thinking.

Originally Posted by tallguynolove

Well

I am more the "Lost child" i also believe that i dont want to get any older than 40. And with the ways they are currently, i can get the set "the grand plan" in motion hopefully after februari. Gives me something to work toward, few goals and such, and then well c.

i forgot to mention that people can be a bit of a combo of types.

Thanks again for all the info though. Again very helpful people,

yw

" Do not intend to rely on anything" (Shinmen Musashi 1645) . WHich i will apply to all the information given. I read it, absorb it, and thats it.

that means you are relying on what that quote is telling you–-i.e. not to rely on anything. sorry, couldn't resist.

[tallguynolove]

the quotes are part of living the way of the martial arts, i suggest u read the book and know everything in context before making assumptions.

If you do not intend to rely on anything, why do you bother to read and absorb anything? How do you not take into account what you read and absorb? Are you saying "you not intend to rely," but may if the information is useful?

Originally Posted by tallguynolove

the quotes are part of living the way of the martial arts, i suggest u read the book and know everything in context before making assumptions.

were you talking about detachment? that is what i gathered from the context of your posts. i don't think it's possible to truly love and be detached. love requires caring, involvement, presence, desire, and many other things. rightly ordering our desires seems a better way to go imo. meaning very simply, we hold onto the good and let go of the bad. to be engaged but not enmeshed. to care and risk getting hurt but to also risk finding love. i'll leave you with my paraphrase of sundar singh:

"to eliminate all desire is yet a desire" ~ paraphrase of a longer passage by sadhu sundar singh

[sunsetsunrise]

Hi Tallguy, I have read through much of what has been written. I too would suggest taking a look at ACOA ( adult children of alcoholics ) online. You might find it very useful. I went to ACOA meetings 20 years ago and it did help me a great deal. Sometimes when our heart has been emotionally injured, we acutely develop the thinking and rational part of us. It can, for many, be their way of coping. The mind can often work doubly hard because the heart is so injured. There are always ways to heal the heart from past abuses. I am so sorry that you had a difficult home life as a child. And I wish you the very best.

[tallguynolove]

The Way of walking alone
(or the way of self-reliance)

-Do not turn your back on the various ways of this world.
-do not scheme for physical pleasure.
-do not intend to rely on anything.
-consider yourself lightly; consider the world deeply.
-do not ever think in acquisitive terms.
-do not regret things about your own personal life.
-do not envy another`s good or evil.
-do not lament parting on any road whatsoever.
-do not complain or feel bitterly about yourself or others.
-have no heart for approaching the path of love.
-do not have preferences.
-do not harbor hopes for your own personal home.
-do not have a liking for delicious food for yourself.
-do not carry antiques handed down from generation to generation.
-do not fast so that it affects you physically.
-while its different with military equipment, do not be fond of material things.
-while on the way, do not begrudge death.
-do not be intent on possessing valuables or a fief in old age.
-respect the gods and buddhas, but do not depend on them.
-though you give up your life, do not give up your honor.
-never depart from the way of the martial arts.

(12 main rules)

"for those who would study my martial art, there are rules for putting it into practice:

1. think without any dishonesty.
2. forge yourself in the way.
3.touch upon all of the arts.
4.know the ways of all occupations.
5.know the advantages and disadvantages of everything.
6. develop a discerning eye in all matters.
7 understand what cannot be seen by the eye.
8. pay attention to even small things.
9 do not involve yourself with the impractical.


-in emptiness exists good but no evil.
wisdom is existence.
principle is existence.
the way is existence.
the mind is emptiness.

twelfth day of the fifth month, second year of shoho - shinmen musashi

Ofcource thes are some rules, and i recommend reading the book of five rings to understand them more thoroughly. Also this combines great with the tibetan school of Buddhism which i have been studying for 4years now.

I just dont get it, why do people NEED a girlfriend. Here in vietnam seriously i get told everyday multiple times i should find a girlfriend."you can have many girlfriends, bla bla bla" and to be honest if i dont find something by next september. (im not going to even look actively, never have tbh) i will leave my friends here in vietnam behind me. To move back to the netherlands or somewhere near the adriatic.(croatia or something) its just driving me crazy (same in holland) people telling me i could clean up, WHY ?! do people feel they should tell me that ********. The only thing i live for now is getting my tattoo's, kitesurfing, exercising,driving motorcycle and studying chinese history.

Ahh well, again thanks for the suggestions people, though the links given on page 2 where more than sufficient in having given me a clearer view on what my brain is thinking.

Also recently i noticed that if i drive my racebike and i c happy couples next to the road, i tend to get some sort of angry with ....? and i end up driving way way faster which kinda scares me but at the same time i am loving the speed.

[tallguynolove]

Originally Posted by sunsetsunrise

Hi Tallguy, I have read through much of what has been written. I too would suggest taking a look at ACOA ( adult children of alcoholics ) online. You might find it very useful. I went to ACOA meetings 20 years ago and it did help me a great deal. Sometimes when our heart has been emotionally injured, we acutely develop the thinking and rational part of us. It can, for many, be their way of coping. The mind can often work doubly hard because the heart is so injured. There are always ways to heal the heart from past abuses. I am so sorry that you had a difficult home life as a child. And I wish you the very best.

Thank you for understanding, but dont be sorry. I just decided to live on on side of the coin, i dont halfass things. Its either this side of the coin or the otherside, no middleground.

No insult, but i do hope you know what i mean.

Originally Posted by tallguynolove

Ofcource thes are some rules, and i recommend reading the book of five rings to understand them more thoroughly. Also this combines great with the tibetan school of Buddhism which i have been studying for 4years now.

thanks for explaining more about what you believe. it is an interesting philosophy of life. i tend to be highly self-reliant too but i've found that same self-reliance can make it difficult to find love. for me this has been because of my dysfunctional family background. i found it hard to trust people emotionally and especially to rely on others, so i mostly relied on myself but that can get lonely and i've realized it is good to have a balance. one thing you might find interesting is a spiritual discipline called the examen. it helps you look at what is working in your life each day and what isn't. it can be a good practice to understanding one's emotions and what we really need rather than what we think we should be. it's not an eastern practice but maybe you'll find it interesting anyway. if not, no worries.

-have no heart for approaching the path of love.

what does this one mean? i don't understand what they mean by "have no heart".

I just dont get it, why do people NEED a girlfriend.

i don't think you need to have a girlfriend. a lot of times people pressure others to be in a relationship because that is the cultural norm. if you want to be in a relationship then great, and if not then maybe you can simply explain to your friends that it isn't something you are currently interested in. they may not understand and keep bringing it up and then just keep telling them the same thing. eventually, they will leave you alone about it. if you want to find a girlfriend then actively looking for one might be a good idea if it isn't happening on its own. you could always just pursue some friendships with women to start but it's good to be clear if that is all you are looking for so as not to lead the women on.

Also recently i noticed that if i drive my racebike and i c happy couples next to the road, i tend to get some sort of angry with ....? and i end up driving way way faster which kinda scares me but at the same time i am loving the speed.

that makes it sound like you do want to find a girlfriend. do you think that is right or is it more just the pressure you are feeling from others? motorcycles are cool but yeah do be careful.