[wisewoman]

I have a bug, like everyone else within sight. I have a heavy work load-like everyone else within site-. And I am having a bit of a crisis or 10 at home. I have made a decision that I tried posting on here three times last night and just couldn't do it.

I am tired of battles arrupting about who did what chore in the house and how well they did or didn't do it.

I am tired of knock down drag out yelling matches in my home.

I am tired of the stress of the whole darned thing.

It appears I have a few young children in grown up costumes who want me to make them meals, clean, run the household.

It appears that this course is easier for me then fighting it at this point.

I have made the decision to not ask any of the children for chores.

I have made the decision to plan all of the meals and cook them myself.

I have made the decison to stay cool even when I see the most stupid act of moronizm possible.

Like yesterday when I called hom and my son told me the downstairs toilet had overflowed. He told me that he and his g'friend took care of it. When I got home there were at least 10 wet towels in the hamper that they had used to mop the floor.

I didn't think I had raised stupid kids. Seems they can't see past their own noses.

My hesitation in writing this? Because I know everyone will give me grief about not standing up and carrying the whole load.

Just plese don't. I can't handle that right now. I feel like I need to just let things mellow and do whatever needs to be done so that the friction and anxiety in the home lessens.

I came home so ill last nught. But yup, there were the towels, there was the dishwasher, dirty dishes in sink after I had cleaned it in the morning. There were the floors that needed to be cleaned since a certain puppy chewed on one of the benches. So I cleaned it all up and made the two girls dinner to boot. And then I went to bed and stayed.

Today I try to stay in bed. Rest.

[heatherm]

(((((((wisewoman))))))))

I understand and am here for you hun.

[JustBen]

Get rested up, and do what you need to take care of yourself.

[wisewoman]

thanks Heatherm and justBen. I am a resting.

[SS8282]

You need a vacation to pamper yourself. Do you know anyone who does manicures, pedicures, massages, etc? Having them done can be expensive, but if you have a friend or someone, that would help. (((((((((((((((((ww))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[wisewoman]

funny ss, I really need a hair cut. Was just thinking of that but my son called all pissy because his license is stolen and he can't find his birth-certificate. I got up to look for it and got really dizzy. I let him yell and vent at me and did not say a word. It doesn't seem worth it. He knows he's not yelling at me. So I paged a friend, maybe she will be free and we can take a road trip to get the darned thing for him. I ramble. Did I mention I was dizzy?

Have a good day, or try sweetie.

WW,
I'm so sorry you are having a rough time and that you are ill. Rough times are bad enough without being sick, but when one is sick it seems to make it all the worse.

I know you didn't want to hear lectures about you-- </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
carrying the whole load.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
but how can someone that cares not say something?

I care and it hurts to hear that you are so taken advantage of. You are teaching the people around you that it is OK to treat you as such. (that is also said for me to hear too!!) I'm sorry you are angry and tired.
What if you didn't do their laundry-- just yours? What would happen if you let the dishes pile up and had a few paper ones in your room for you to use?

Regardless of the relationship-- these people are adults and should act as adults. You are worth so much-- please be kind to yourself-- I hope you feel better and also that I haven't offended you.

Thinking of you

mandy

[wisewoman]

Okay guys, I do get it, really. When I let things build up it started a large battle. My T has been saying the same things, that I shouldn't even have to ask them to do anything, they should see and do.

More rant. Whenever I have gotten up for a few minutes today I have been dizzy. But, I did just manage to shower.

I am not trying to let them take advantage of me. It seems as though if I say anything I become a monster and after having one child leave me and hate me I am a little leary of that.

My son's girlfriend has been sleeping all day long. As far as I know she hasn't been to work in 5 days. I don't think she still has a job. They can't afford food but they can have her go fet tatoos. She is paying for his too. UGHHHHHHHHHH Totally messed up priorities. I would love to see just the 20 dollars a week I have asked them for.

Rant Rant Rant.

For now I only know how to be little suzie homemaker to make peace in the house. Sorry to everyone named Susan.

[h0kie]

This probably sounds a little silly and a bit extreme, but what about going on strike, ww?

I'm completely serious. Stop doing anything for your kids. Heck, I'd post a sign on the door to your room too. 'Mom on Strike' Fix dinner just for you. Do just your dishes. Wash just your clothes. etc.

May serve as a wake-up call. May not work at all. But its something to try. Let them realize just how much you do for them. For a while, take care of yourself first.

That's ok, Moms are people too. They have needs. As a kid (even as an adult kid) its easy to forget that Mom needs stuff too. I've been guilty of it myself.

All kids can be selfish, especially if they have a good mom taking care of them, but at some point, they need to appreciate your time and effort instead of expecting to be taken care of.

I'm in a similar place to you (maybe not as extreme as yours sounds) but I do feel I am doing more than my share at the moment. On Saturday I did go on strike. I came down in the morning to find the kitchen in chaos - and I left it. Went to do the shopping and left it. When I came back it was tidied, the dishwasher was on and it was relatively clean.
It's a really hard balance to strike. I want to make my family happy, but I need to recognise that I have needs to, and make sure that I do what I can to get those needs met. Sometimes it feels like it is easier to do it myself - but in the long run I am not doing anyone any favours by trying to be superwoman.

It's hard though. I'm not pretending otherwise. And I certainly haven't found the balance myself. But I think taking a stand might be a good thing.

Caroline

[wisewoman]

You know you are all right but the issue here is that if I go on strike no one will do anything and hubby will get stressed feeling like he has to do it all. Kids won't give in. Makes my youngest very grumpy. She tries hard to keep things feeling healthy for her with her OCD.

I do not want to be supermom. I resent it like hell. especially now that I am sick. Brats they are I tell you.

On a serious note, my son can't handle frustration. He acts like a toddler. He has bipolar and I think he does not take good care of himself. But he will not listen to mom.

And kids are so damned frustrating. I called him and asked what he was doing so we could plan for dinner and he said he would be home soon. Now I call him to see if he can pick up meds for sister and he tells me that he and girlfriend are going for chinease food.

So, the secret here is ZEN. I must be in harmony with what I am doing. I will work on not feeling resentful. I will do these things because I enjoy them. I will clean my home because a tidy home makes me feel better.

I don't do their laundry, they do, and today is the second day it is sitting in the living room unfolded in baskets.

We were only washing our dishes and cleaning up our own messes when we let the sink fill and fill and fill. We had no pots or pans left.

I am working on inner peace, wish me luck. Thanks all

today is the second day it is sitting in the living room unfolded in baskets

May a calm peace warm your soul when you dump their laundry out all over their beds.

Petunia

[dottie]

Wisewoman this has been in the making for so long. In a large way you created THIS mess.

Early on ,,you should have seriously showed them that YOU were the head cheese. I dunno. It worked for me. And they knew when I gave them a certain LOOK..it was time to run & do as they should. Sort of like a military camp..with more love tho.LOL

It worked. I don't have any of those problems. Why? Was it moi ? Or did I just get good luck and have great children? I guess...I'll be asking that for a few more years. Your health is going down the tubes. Take some needed action. Get some spine..woman!

TGC

[allthegirls6]

wisewoman, there should be a place for mums to go. They should be able to go there shut the door and scream. They should get looked after and pampered and only allowed to leave when they feel rested. Thats what I think, mums like you are great and you dererve the rest.

Only you know what will work in your household. But what about picking one little thing that will really get those children where it hurts. I dont know what that one thing is, but if you could find the one little thing they really like and stop doing it until they help you maybe they would get the message?

Life is hard and mums need all the help they can get.

Im sending you an extra pair of hands and some warm cuddles, just for you

atg

((((((((((((((((((wisewoman)))))))))))))))))

[SS8282]

Go get your hair done, and while that's going on, do the manicure and pedicure.

Your son and gf are old enough to contribute - be it money, or stuff around the house. I'm sorry, ww, but I think they're taking advantage of you. Esp. the gf. Sleeping in bed all day isn't 'contributing'. Maybe she is sick? If she's just spoiled, then that's no excuse.

WW, you've done so much for them, it's time they take care of themselves - at least look for his own birth certificate, and stuff to get his license.

I know you love your family, but doing too much for them is not good for you, or them. They won't know how to take care of themselves if you're not around (knock on wood *that* doesn't happen).

I care about you ww. (((((((((((ww))))))))))))))))))

[wisewoman]

Petunia, you made me chuckle out loud. Sweet thing you.

Dottie, I agree, when they were younger I had a chore list of things that had to happen for each day. It worked, they did it. It's this adult son of mine and his girlfriend who have a sense of entitlment, and lack of respect that gets to me. The issue I have here as I explore this further is that I never had anyone do anything for me when I was a child or young adult. I know that feeling of being totally overwhelmed and wanting someone to just take care of me. That is what is making this so hard. Son does not see the things hubby and I see. His glasses are a different color. He believes he is carrying his own. I don't want to get resentful here. That will show through like nuts. And, T says I should not even have to ask anyone to do anything,, they should see and do. It is a journey I need to figure out. When I have seen my friend's kids acting in this way I have been horrified. Now the shoe is on the other foot. This mama is in a learning phase.

Allthegirls, thank you. I do need extra hands and someone to take care of me.

A side note. as a culture we are always doing something. We work and come home and work and sleep and go back to work. The normal household things get to be overwhelming. Driving the half hour home totally depleted and looking forward to making a meal, doing some laundry, cleaning up etc is exhausting.

Thanks all for witnessing my journey here. Things will change. I have to as Dottie said, get a spine. I let it build. Why can't I just casually say to girlfriend, hey, could you please do this today? Or how about, I thought we'd have soup and salad for dinner, wanna make the soup or the salad? Because I am afraid. I am afraid she will be upset, not like me etc. What a mess I am making.

Okay, on a happy note my bunnies are fed and watered and tucked in tight for the night. They make me smile.

Thanks again everyone.

[dexter]

>>My son's girlfriend has been sleeping all day long. As far as I know she hasn't been to work in 5 days. I don't think she still has a job. They can't afford food but they can have her go fet tatoos. She is paying for his too.

I'm guessing Dr. Phil would say KICK THEM OUT OF THE HOUSE! You are really not only hurting yourself, but you are also doing them a disservice... what happens when you are no longer able to take care of them? They have to learn how to be adults, how to take care of themselves, budget their money. This situation is hurting them as much as it is hurting you.

I think Dr. Phil wouldn't say kick them to the curb with no warning... usually he advocates having a talk with them, setting a plan, and making sure they know you are serious. Tell them they have to get out, and they have three months to do it. Help them during those three months to plan, help them find a place, help them budget... and at the end of the three months THEY ARE OUT!!!

I feel so bad that you fear they won't like you any more... but is that any worse then you spending every day in such misery and not liking yourself for it? Not to mention how resentful you are of them.

I would hope that while they might grump about having to move out that once it happens they would realize it is for the best and be on good terms with you again. Successfully "setting up house" on their own should give them a sense of responsibility that feels good. If they continue to be ungrateful and angry, you will have to decide which is worse and where to draw the line.

I can say that seeming they are not only ungrateful for what you do, but also that they feel "entitled" to it, i.e. you "owe" it to them and if you don't do it you are being "mean" but anyone of reason will know otherwise, and having them grow up with that sense of entitlement is not healthy and does not bode well for their future.

Best of luck wisewoman, I hope you can find a solution to this and find some peace for yourself.

At least we here appreciate you and everything you do for us.

{{{{{{wisewoman}}}}}}

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Hey ya Wisewoman...I didnt post in here before cause I do not have kids...BUT I had a mom and saw this gig on the not going to work and tattoos and had to kinda lol thinking back to my own youth..I was in my 20's a lot like your son and his girlfriend...I was a lazy person who was into me, my clothes, music and dudes....mom NEVER allowed a guy to move in .....but I can tell you I DID come home to find all and I mean all my things in a BIG pile in the middle of the bedroom....the closet was bare....the drawers....it looked like a mountain...no food to eat either..Took a few times for me...dishes dumped on floor in bedroom..mine I used.....I learned My MOM could be like the Tazmanian Devil....hahaha but I learned a LOT by mom

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

BTW....Dexter is to me anyhow a YODA

[wisewoman]

Dexter and sleeps, I guess it's all agreed, I have to grow a pair and stand up. I agree with you Dex. My son is applying to several schools for transfer. He was at an expensive prestigious school for two years on Dean's list until I couldn't afford it anymore. He lived in apartments with other people and it was hard for him. As for the girl, she needs a pdoc immediately. She did lose her job. Of course son says it's through no fault of her own. Panic attacks had a lot to do with it.

They will probably move on to the next school he goes to. He is taking classes at a local state U so he can keep health insurance.

I guess one of the things that is eating at me is this. My adopted daughter wants nothing at all to do with us. She has been ours for almost 15 years. Last spring when things started to errupt I saw a letter she had written laying in the kitchen. In the letter she said that since Dad had major surgery to remove a tumor from his spinal cord that I was making her do all of the work in the house. I don't feel like it was true but it was her perception and it hurt.

At the time I was hiring sitters for my spouse so I could work.

It hurts to have her treat me like an enemy and that she is changing her name.

This son is mature enough to handle the truth of me telling him the way it is.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Wisewoman how old is she now? I would be hurt too but I was a brat as a kid and later loved my folks like you would not believe..I think talking with her about it a LOT would be IMO the best thing to do...If you dont talk about it she will continue to think her reality is right.

[wisewoman]

confused here. My adopted daughter is 18 and living with her boyfriend's family. It's been rough but I plan on leaving her notes at work as she won't speak with me.

Girlfriend is just 20. I told her she needs to call for an appointment to see a Pdoc at a large teaching hospital near here. Pdocs are scarce where I live.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Yes Wisewoman I am sorry I was referring to your adopted girl. I would do notes or go to talk with her even if she will not speak to you..I find this all very sad because I know a dude that his kids wanted half the insurance money when his wife their mom died ...they felt entitled because they helped take care of mom..jeeze.....he didnt fight it out with them and they all have not spoken in 12 years....I would have pestered the hell outta them ..you know fight to get it fixed and shower them with love but not the cash they wanted....Dont let time go wiothout notes and cards and all...even calls unanswered may open the door in time

I would tell the girlfriend its out if no doc appt set..but thats me

[wisewoman]

YUP
Thanks a lot.