Sick of it all

Oof

Still here, still getting nowhere...

Any ideas what I should tell my doctor next time I go?

Hi- i really think that You should get out enjoy life see whats in store im not going to lie im the same way.. but not isolated.. the only thing that really keeps me going is my friends.. And weed.. it really makes me happy im not reccomending you do that.. but i do reccomend You try and find something To make your life a little more intresting.. Something fun and safe(:

Well Tomjones, You can't fault a person for trying. Sounds like your reg doc(I presume) either isn't taking you seriously or maybe thinks you just want attention... If you have been 7 times & no luck, you might consider letting him/her know a little more about your mood & "thoughts" without them thinking you need an escort out of bldg...

Try & make this doc aware of how angry & depressed you are. This is none of my business but going 7 times, what do you discuss with this doc that has lead to nothing happening in 4 months? Be as honest as possible, especially if this is impacting things like your job, relationship with partner& if you are isolating, never leaving the house.

You mention you can't talk to your family about any of the things you are struggling with. Sounds like you've been invalidated & they either don't get it or don't want to get it. Your feelings matter. Your thoughts & frustrations do not make you a bad person, they make you a person wanting help.

This is an extreme idea of how to present yourself at the next appt. Go in looking like you haven't taken a bath, brushed teeth, or changed clothes in a couple weeks & maybe they'll take notice. This is not meant to be funny at all. There are a lot of us, in real life that the hygiene stuff completely goes by the waist side. Depending on what our dx is & what we're going thru at the time.

The other alternative, if you really want to hurt yourself or others is to go to the ER. Then someone will have to evaluate you & get you some help much quicker. On this one don't let money get in the way, you can pay twenty five dollars a month for the next five years if that's what it takes.

Don't know if this helped or not, just throwing in my 2 cents.
Take care & keep posting on how you're doing.

i agree with kindachaotic.

having dealt with the medical profession/world since i was 14, and i'm now 24, i can straight out tell you that some doctors/nurses/healthcare professionals are oblivious to what a patient really needs, how they're really feeling, ect. and you basically have to paint them a picture and spell out ALL the details to them for them to realize there's a problem.

...but on the other hand you can't assume they can read your mind. (that would be sort of awesome..and creepy..if they could) they look at a list of symptoms and come to a conclusion/diagnosis based on what they can see. that's their job. emotional problems can be easily masked from everyone around you every day, including doctors. you have to look them in the eye and say "i'm not sleeping, i'm having thoughts that i know aren't healthy/right, i am depressed all the time, ect...whatever your symptoms are" that way they know. if you have gone to the same doctor seven times and been vocal and open about everything with him/her, then it's time to consult another doctor who will listen to you.

i wish you all the best ♥

Hi Tom,

I just wanted to throw in my .02.

From what I've read you are very frustrated and at the end of the line here. I wanted to give you some suggestions as to what to tell your doctor and to recommend that you make an emergency appointment (same day).

If I were feeling like you are and having the thoughts that you are expressing here I would tell my doctor the following.

I have seen you now 7 times in 4 months and my condition has not improved. I need you to stop giving me numbers to call and actually take the time to evaluate me or refer me to somebody who can. I have been through this before and so I can recognize the signs. I not only feel, but am, totally isolated. I am bored with everything, find no interest in anything I do. I feel as if I am about to snap. I have tried repeatedly to get help to no avail. I can no longer do this on my own.

A more honest approach would be:

I need an immediate referral to somebody who can help me, because so far I am not getting better. I feel very angry at times as if I am about to snap. I have thoughts of harming myself or others, although I have not acted on those. I have nobody I can talk to about my emotional well-being and I need you to take me seriously. I am not here for your attention, I am here because I am desperate for help. I am not leaving until I receive the help I need.

Granted the second approach may get you held for three days, but that may be what you need for an honest evaluation of your condition.

If you find you are going to your doctor and are unable to say how you are feeling, or get any words out, then I recommend printing out what you have written here or writing something else and handing it to him/her.

You cannot go on like this. You are clearly a potential danger to others. While you still can, I want you to think about those you have considered harming (your son being one of them). What did they do to deserve such a demise? Let's avoid a tragedy and get you help. If you need assistance finding a therapist or qualified doctor who will take you seriously, you can PM me your location and I will help you find one. Do not do this alone anymore and do not let the inattention of others turn this into a tragedy.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

Tom,
Glad you're still here and looking for support and suggestions.

Have you gone to the Quizzes link and done any of the quick tests? Perhaps you could try those and print out your results to show to the doctor.

Any chance you can find a different doctor if the current one just isn't understanding you? I would sure be frustrated at this point, too.

Keep hanging in there.

Update:

I finally broke on monday night, and the doctor had a record of it when I went to see him tuesday morning. I then promptly spent the rest of the day in A+E, or ER whichever you wish to call it.

Turns out I wasn't prescribed anything because they wouldn't work straight away (and all but one agreed that they would have started working if I'd been taking them for 4 months)

I've been in and out of the hospital today and yesterday seeing various people who are getting me other help elsewhere, but to be honest I don't see what good it's going to do... My life's still as pointless and empty no matter how much talking I do...

I've told them I'm pretty much done, I have no reason to live out the end of the day. I'm exhausted (until I try to sleep) and drained. The only reason I'm still here now is because I haven't found anywhere to hang myself from.

Glad you checked in here again! Even though you still feel as you do, it now sounds as though you are finally going to get some help. It will take some time, but you have made it this far and I believe you can make it through and find many things worth living for. What might seem pointless and empty for this minute will look different in a month from now - if not sooner.

What I don't understand is why those doctors used a lame excuse about not giving you something because it wouldn't work straight away! Gee, wouldn't we all love to have such a miracle drug!!!

Now next thing is what to tell the family, since they all appear to think I'm a constantly raging murderous bar-stud... Then again I could just throw it all away and do what they do to me in another sense... Break their legs and then kick and scream that the cure is getting up and running a marathon (yeah my magic cure is "there's nothing wrong with me, stop moaning ffs")

Joking btw, that would wind me up in prison or worse

Oh Tomjones, I am so sorry to hear that you don't have a very supportive family, sorry to say your not alone in that, other members here can relate as well as relate to family not recognizing your struggling.

Ok, you say that you have talked to therapists, what kind of therapy have you received? I noticed that you don't have a diagnosis, it is hard to comment when I don't know what your struggling with. But, whatever it is I can see your very angry about your life right now. At least your asking for help however an ER is only going to stablize you, and try to set up somekind of outpatient services. Please don't harm yourself, I think that you just havent had the right help, hey, it took me time to find the right help, finding a therapist that you connect with is not always easy, but not impossible.

Have you ever had a diagnosis?

Open Eyes

Actually turns out I did... That time back in 2004 when I got admitted to hospital (that was a poo-storm) I found out THIS WEEK it was for auditory hallucinations. News to me, although the first therapist I saw said that it's quite often the case of psychotic episodes that you have no memory of them.

Ex-cuse me! I have never heard voices!

Oh well, it sounds to me like you havent had a "real" diagnosis. You need to find a "reputable" psychologist and psychiatrist/neurologist to help you figure out WHY your struggling. You have a lot of anger, NOT GOOD, NOT FAIR TO YOU. You need to get to the bottom of finding out where that is coming from and how to work your way out of it. You DO deserve that, you truely don't deserve to feel so hopeless and angry at yourself and life.

It sounds like you have gotten your records of what was observed in the psychward?
If you have not gotten your own records, you should and see what was observed by the staff in the ward during your stay there. It may be possible that you had a psychotic episode, heard voices and do not remember. Try to understand it, but DO get your records. But you truely need to get a proper diagnosis. If you are not hearing voices now than I believe you.

When we enter into the world of getting psychiatric help, I have found that we truely have to become our own health advocates. We have to make efforts to do our best first to get the correct diagnosis and then study what it means as well as the various treatments that have been used and which treatments have been helpful.

You talk about an unsupportive family, well, it is important that you discuss your childhood, including any abuse, neglect, as well as your environment. You can only help yourself, if you learn to understand yourself better, and that, my friend does take time. I have come to know that myself, I have learned so much about my own issues and am finally gaining. I am not totally healed, but I DO have a much better understanding of how I DO struggle and many of the WHYS. So, one day at a time I work at it. We simply do not get better unless we are willing to do the work. And it isn't always easy, and as I have found, it does take patience. And most important, you DO have to give yourself a chance, try very hard not to hate yourself, or punish yourself, instead be willing to understand yourself better and work on yourself.

Be good to yourself, make a commitment to take care of yourself and ignore the negetive messages from others who do not understand you.

Open Eyes

I think if anything the only neglect was in the way I was brought up. It was the usual, stand up for yourself, don't take crap off people, you can do anything you want to. That was until I actually did this and it was You Are Never Right, They Can Do What They Want and No You Can't Do That.

Must say nearly 15 years into adulthood and this still confuses me.

As for having an episode and not remembering, I'm going to NEED to find that out "stat" because if it's true then my family might well be justified in the way they are to me.

Tom, you own YOUR BRAIN. No one owns it, people can say what they want but YOUR INCHARGE or YOUR BRAIN. And YOUR BRAIN is much like a built in computer in your head. However what happens is in our childhoods our parents put a lot of information in our Brain Computers from the time we are born. What many of us don't realize is that because we have eyes and ears and senses that all put information into our brain, there can be things that we absorb that we don't truely realize.

So our brains take in a lot of programs and data that we tap on when we think about life and ourselves. If parents have a troubled marriage, yell and scream at each other, stress in front of us, get so busy with themselves that they send messages that we are in their way, inconvenient etc. All of these messages go into our brains which storr not only this information, but all the emotions we feel about this environment as well. If we have older siblings, all their actions, words, and interactions with us also get storred, along with all the emotions that go with these interactions and experiences.

Along the way what we take in is our sense of importance depending upon the messages we receive in the very beginning. Ofcourse we also take these messages as a base and take them to school and the interactions with teachers and other students CAN reinforce the information we have from our parents and home invironment. If we go to school with a sense that we are not important or not loved or afraid to try things, we DO send those messages to others and our interactions can end up being storred as more bad messages coming in that all stem from what we learn from the people around us from the very beginning.

So, while this is YOUR BRAIN, you didn't necessarily program it all by yourself initially. What this CAN mean is that you probably have some information that you base your thoughts on that CAN be toxic to you and your well being. If you have any disorders that you were born with, it can make it even more challenging.

But, this is still YOUR BRAIN, and because your older now, your in charge of it and how you utilize what is in your brain to naviagate yourself through life. Here is where you have to truely find out what information is there, what is the incorrect information and what you can "LEARN" to "CONSCIOUSLY" change.

To give you an example, I have PTSD that stems from MY childhood. I didn't know it, there is information in MY brain that has been stored, along with extreme emotions that have a lot of anxiety, fear, and anger that I was not truely consciously aware of.
There were things I managed to learn how to do to self provide and yet other things I didn't learn and instead I ran or hid or stayed quiet and felt anger, fear, anxiety, and felt trapped somehow. My sense of who I was, my capability, self approval, sense of ability to learn and achieve, and overall sense of self worth all was established in ways I was truely not consciously aware.

Tom, "I had no idea" how many emotions were truely storred that sent me signals and even formed what is now called TRIGGERS. So the things that your talking about here, the lack of self worth, the anger at others and even yourself, are KEYS to messages you somehow storred and you NOW have to find out WHERE THEY ARE, and WHAT they MEAN to YOUR BRAIN and NOW "LEARN" how to slowly CHANGE the SPAM that is in YOUR BRAIN.

When you receive a message and express the anger your talking about here, "You are never right", "They can do what they want", " No you cant do that". Your saying your confused, what that means is YOU ARE JUSTIFIABLY CONFUSED. But you don't have to stay that way you can LEARN what it means and HOW to LEARN to change all that.
Yes, it is YOUR BRAIN and now it is time to sort through YOUR BRAIN and figure out how to choose the information you can truely USE and the information you NEED TO TRASH. Along with that your going to have to put in NEW INFORMATION, that can help you gain more POWER OVER "YOUR BRAIN" that can improve your capacity to feel better about yourself and "LEARN" how to consciously balance yourself out and fuction better.

So yes, get the information you need from your medical records. But also get together with a "GOOD" therapist so you can spend time figuring out how to identify the SPAM and then EDUCATE YOURSELF in replacing that with THE CORRECT INFORMATION YOU NEED TO CHANGE HOW YOU INTERACT, FEEL, AND TRUELY GAIN CONTROL OF YOUR OWN BRAIN. Because Tom, this is YOUR brain, and YOU deserve that. You don't deserve to be angry and hostile to yourself or accept signals from others that convince to to continue to be angry with yourself.

Now Tom, you will have to understand that other people are not going to understand, truely understand your personal struggles with YOUR BRAIN that is in control of your emotions and nervous system response that accompanies thoughts and emotions. Other people can only look at you and judge you by how they control their brains and emotions. When you come to PC you will meet others that are confused about how they feel and deal with life. You will meet others that struggle with self worth, anxiety, are depressed, are angry, speak of SI and also have trouble being understood by people IRL just like you. Within this site, people are working on their own brains, struggling day by day and are "LEARNING" why and how to slowly take over their brains and better "DEAL" with the emotions, sense of loss, and confusion you speak of yourself. I am here doing just that myself, and I am talking to you about what I am learning and I can tell you that I DO struggle, but I also have come to realize that I have to "LEARN" HOW TO OVERCOME THE SPAM IN MY BRAIN AND CONTINUE TO WORK AT IT AND "TAKE CHARGE" OF WORKING AT IT DAY BY DAY. It isn't easy, and yes, I have times when I am very angry too, I have times when others react to me with a "just get over it" response, or that "I do this or that wrong". Often the loudest negetive voice is MY OWN.

How you titled this thread? Your angry and you are now not only blaming others but YOURSELF. I do that too, and so do many other members that are here. So in that I can identify with you, and so can others. What I CAN tell you is that you truely have to take an inventory and finally work on figuring out how YOU can LEARN with the right kind of help HOW TO "CHANGE" that sense of anger and being "SICK OF IT ALL".

Open Eyes

Hi tomjones,

I read your first couple posts in this thread. I believe I felt the way you do in my past. I became clinicly depressed at 18 and depressed and psychotic by 19 or 20. I needed to live in shelters and halfway houses and hospitals for a long time as a result. I needed to take powerful medicine, also, that slowed my mind down. I would lie in bed and wish I could sleep, just so I could escape for a short time. This was my life for a seemingly long time. It got better in time. The medicine stopped me from doing and saying scary things. That allowed me to have a relationship with my, then girlfriend, now wife of ten years. I do not have to take that medicine anymore, with my docs knowledge and consent. I work part time and have been an effective step-dad. I'm not superman, and I have flaws etc., but I can manage them and get by and help others get by also. Talk to your therapists and doc honestly. I'm pretty sure they are trained to spot lies or inconsistancies anyway. Lieing is impossable, I believe. Tell them what is going on and they can help. Keep secrets, and the pain and isolation will continue. That is the way it works, I believe. It doesn't sound like things are too good right now for you. I can't help you, but my advice, from my own experience, is to try being honest in therapy and with you med doc. Take the meds and cope as best you can. You will be laying the foundation for a good life in the futurte, I believe. I'll pray for you and I hope you feel better. I've been filled with rage before also, and with good reason. I'm sorry that you feel that. It is not fair, but it is not anyones fault, nor yours. Mental illness is a, "no fault, no blame" illness. Take care of your self, without your health, not much else will ever matter.

Tom, what you truely have to consciously realize is that YOU DO HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE AND GROW. Our brains are truely capable of learning how to overcome so many obstacles, more than we currently know as far as learning the science of the brain. But what we do know is that people who are disordered, have autism, asbergers, dislexia, and all kinds of what we can call disabilities of somekind, CAN develope ways to overcome these obstacles. And we have also learned that people who suffer, strokes, brain injuries of all kinds, can also, even though some areas of the brain may suffer damage, like the speach center and mobility centers, CAN "slowly" build new pathways in the brain that can RESTORE these abilities.

When someone goes through this process Tom, it really takes time and these people suffer a sense of loss, inability, anxiety, frustration, and anger while they are trying to "SLOWLY" build new pathways to enable them to regain abilities they have lost. Often there can be accompanieing feeling of depression as well as these people struggle to rebuild their capacities. All these feelings have to slowly be encouraged to somehow be overcome and set aside while a person is taught to concentrate and have faith that they WILL "SLOWLY" IMPROVE AND REGAIN THEIR CAPACITY.

When I have worked with horses and ponies that were abused in some way, it truely was NOT easy. I have a mustang that was beaten in the face, his teeth were broken and he was neglected and he WAS VERY AFRAID OF BEING TOUCHED AND APPROACHED BY HUMANS. If I went to put a saddle on his back? He was so afraid he would just about sit down. And his body would literally shake in fear as his brain sent messages of fear throughout his body.

Tom, I soothed him and constantly talked to him and convinced him that it was ok to be touched, I would not harm him or hit him. However, it took a LOT of time and touching and soothing before I could truely put a saddle on him without him reacting in fear, touch his face without him thinking I was going to hit him, everything I did had to be slow and methodically teaching him how to relax and accept my direction and training. He began to trust ME, however NOT other people, that too took time.

Tom, he will never forget being abused and if he is approached by a person with something in their hands walking up to him and staring him in the eyes, he still reacts with concern. However, he has also learned to trust, to relax while being saddled up, to relax with the farrier who brings tools and touches his feet, to accept the touches of other people. He also has become VERY affectionate and OUTGOING and WANTS TO PLEASE AND LEARN MORE. He LOVES to be ridden and LEARN NEW THINGS. He LOVES TO TRAVEL AND BE INVOLVED IN SHOWS AND MEET OTHER PEOPLE. He actually likes to be around people and WILL nuzzle strangers standing close to him to let them know he is there and friendly.

Tom, though it has taken much time and patience, this wild Mustang, has learned how to trust, learn and overcome HIS ANXIETIES TOWARD THE EXPERIENCE OF INTERACTING WITH HUMANS. And his brain is only the size of a walnut.

Tom, we have proven in many ways that our brains are truely capable of overcoming many obstacles. Have you seen the movie "A Beautiful Mind"? That is a true story of a brilliant man who DID see imaginary people that in reality were not there and he didn't know it. It took time, but eventually he did learn to realize that his brain did present to him that there were people he thought were real but were not. After learning how to accept this, he also learned how to function and tap onto the intelligent aspect of his brain and live out his life.

What you have to understand about YOURSELF Tom, is that you actually are capable of CHANGE and LEARNING HOW TO CONTROL "YOUR BRAIN" better. However, you are also going to have to slowly learn how to STOP YOUR OWN NEGETIVE INPUT THAT CAN LIMIT YOUR OWN BRAIN FROM LEARNING HOW TO PROGRESS AND OVERCOME.

For some reason we think that when we are 15, 18, 25, 30 etc, we are suppose to know and be at a level of understanding who we are and what we are going to be and do the rest of our lives. But the reality is, we are going to make mistakes, get angry, have anxiety, can experience sadness, and personal failure ALL OUR LIVES. All OUR LIVES we are going to GROW AND LEARN AND PROCESS AND OVERCOME. The most important thing we can give ourselves IS PERMISSION TO LEARN HOW TO LEARN ALL OUR LIVES. And to accept our failures and consider each experience as just another opportunity to LEARN AND CONTINUE TO GROW.

If you find yourself saying, I am sick of it ALL, than you must recognize that what that means is you need to LEARN how to progress through that STUCK feeling and that you CAN actually LEARN how to get though that feeling and progress. I am doing that myself, and I am sorting through the trash that has been prohibiting me from progressing. I didn't know how much TRASH I had collected and it HAS been a challenge and still is a challenge, but I have made a decision to continue to work at it and LEARN HOW TO LEARN MY WAY OUT OF IT. I have accepted that it is going to take time and I am going to get frustrated, but I also have to learn to be patient with myself and allow myself to continue to try to LEARN how to work my way OUT of my own issues.

You can do that too Tom, you really can and you don't have to be angry all the time, you can learn how to feel differently. But you have to be dedicated to learning how to understand whatever it is you havent yet mastered and begin to allow yourself to be kind to yourself and be willing to investegate and learn. Also understand that it truely doesn't happen overnight, and it is ok, you will slowly get better at it.

Open Eyes

how 'bout a crisis hotline? usually everywhere. check for it at front of phone book or http://www.befrienders.org/support/helplines.asp for your state or country.

a suggestion-print out your initial post/thread. this will help you to describe how you feel to your doc or other professionals.

are you comfortable telling us your country, etc? this may help us help you. also

I so understand those feelings you have. Been there many many times. When it happens to me, I let others around me know something dont "feel" right. I dont go into much detail with them, unless its my husband. I am going though that right now. my pets help some with being lonely. Just try your best to remember that you are not alone in those feelings.

Update:
The hospital has passed me on to the same people I've not been able to go to for four months...
My doctor won't prescribe anything yet because in the short term I'll get worse before I get better, and he can't risk me getting worse. He said he can see the anger in my eyes, which actually made me feel sad because I'm not that person.
He's told me that I need to lift up a little bit before he can risk prescribing me anything, to which I replied that I won't lift unless something actually changes in my life...

I think I'm in an endless loop here...

((((Tomjones))))

I have felt that endless loop too, keep trying and yes, I can relate and I am sure others here can and already have related to what your talking about. You have to keep trying. The squeeky wheel does get the grease.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

And so it continues

Told the doctor last week that I feel I'm getting nowhere, and it's only been seven months so I'm not doing that "running round for six years" thing that I did last time (upon which I just gave up trying)

Seems that's my alternatives here, beg for help that won't come, or don't