What's wrong with me???...

I've been thinking too much lately, and this has been on my mind all day, so I just need a place to get it out...I figured this was that place...

Anyway, I've been thinking about everything I've been feeling, and that got me thinking about how I never used to be like this. I enjoy sports, but lately, I've just kind of lost interest. And I've never lost interest before, as sports is my outlet for all of my issues. I don't understand why it's like that. I decided not to go to practice today even though there was no school because I wasn't feeling 100%. I maybe felt like 90%, but it used to be that I would do ANYTHING to play sports when I was sick, far worse than 90% anyway...

I've also lost my interest in school...I don't know if it is because I got bored, or if I just don't care anymore...I have a 4.0...and I still got a 4.0 last semester, but I just let my grades slide a little. Instead of getting 99s and 98s, I was down in the 94s and 95s...That isn't normal for me. I just have no motivation, no reason to do well...at least that is how I feel. Even though I want to go to a four year college and play softball there...

Speaking of softball and motivation, I haven't had much of an interest in working on recruiting information either...I just don't feel like doing much of anything anymore...

The other thing is I get so irritated, so annoyed. And I don't understand why. Normally it's only like that with my mom, but lately, it's been with everyone...I don't tend to be that kind of person either. I just can't explain my actions...

I am tired a lot of the times...and I make bad decisions by staying up late...not eating healthy...both things that I normally do. I get headaches, and I never used to. I never have any energy...I never used to be like this. Maybe this is just my own fault. I don't know.

I've never been checked out for anything, I normally feel fine, but this is concerning me...Nothing may be wrong with me, I could just be freaking myself out, but I just want to know that if that is the case. If something might be wrong with me, I want to know that too. I just don't know what to think...

Thanks for reading.

JustDontAsk

JustDontAsk, I would go to my doctor, get a good physical with blood tests, etc. and work on better sleep habits and good diet? All the other symptoms you describe could be from that and/or talking to your doctor can help the two of you decide if there is a bigger problem like depression lurking. I would make a couple of appointments with your doctor, get the physical and scripts for blood/urine tests and talk the first time and make a plan, an "experiment" where you work for a couple weeks to a month getting your sleep, eating, and exercise back on track and then go back and the two of you evaluate where you are at that time and if you want or need further help?

Well...I'm 16 and so how do I say this to my parents...? I don't really want them to know about it. I guess I don't have a choice...and if I tell one, the other will find out...because my parents split costs on medical bills for me...any suggestions here...?

Thanks.

16 yrs old is a rough time and many teen agers talk with their doctors about all kinds of things they dont talk with their parents about..

some ideas that work around here -

mom (or Dad) can you set up an appointment for me with Dr. Smith. Id like to talk with him about some stuff, you know teen stuff that Im embarrassed to tell you about. we can talk about it after I see him if you like but right now, I would rather not have my body type discussions with my parents.. I mean did you talk with your parents about your body and stuff when you were a teen. Im not a baby anymore so I want to see Dr. Smith by myself. After I talk with him if he thinks you need to talk with me about my body he can tell you. Just give me some teen age time with him first ok.

most parents I know when approached this way have no problem making the appointment and letting the teen ager start handling their own medical time with the doctors as long as the doctor and parents know the situation isnt a life threatening one.

hey, justdon'task, it sounds to me like you may be depressed. can you see a school counselor to discuss what is going on? i am concerned that you do not want your parents to know that you are having feelings and seem to be losing interest in your life. why is that? did you get great grades in order to be the perfect child for your parents? are your parents divorced or separated (from the way they share expenses, it appears they might be)?

it seems that you may have been living for them rather than for yourself. however, as you get older, living life for yourself starts taking over and, when it comes to your life, you don't seem to see is as being as important. of course, your life is most important - more important than your parents and more important than being the perfect child. please talk to a school counselor about your feelings and do not feel guilty if your parents are called in. your parents are supposed to be there for you. it's their job. they are supposed to help you grow up and be there for you emotionally. it's not your job to be perfect and to hide your feelings and other parts of you that you feel may not be perfect from them in order to protect them.

YOU are the most important person here and you, right now, need a little emotional support that you can't provide for yourself. Please see a school counselor right away.

I don't really tell my parents anything...the communication isn't really there...I tend to talk with one of my coaches instead...and I plan on talking to her about this tonight or sometime soon...

And yes, my parents are divorced. It's been that way for roughly...10 years or so.

As for grades...I want to do well. I figure that's how I'm going to get to college. I have a reason, I just don't know why I don't care all that much right now...

The whole point for me is for them not to know...I don't really share much with my parents, especially my mom...

Thanks for listening

And about talking to my school counselor...easy to say, but so much harder to ask for help in person...

Yeah, I find asking for help one of the hardest things to do, too. It gets easier as you get more experience with it. Is it hard to ask for help from your coach? Maybe he can help you get in with a counselor.

As for the doctor, I really would bite the bullet and tell your Mom or Dad you need to go. If you don't talk to your Mom about much, you may not have to explain too much about why you want to go. Some explaining is going to be necessary, it is, after all, the doctor, and that implies that you are sick in some way. But you could say that you just don't feel right, and would like to get checked out, and that you are old enough now to see the doctor alone.

Either way, let us know how it goes.

JustDontAsk,

I am concerned about your home environment. Why can't you talk to your mom? Does she just blow you off? I have a feeling that your parents are all about themselves and may be expressing a lack on taking an interest in you. Did your dad go to your games and cheer you on? Has that changed and you feel as though your parents are not there for you. I just get that feeling, as unhappyguy did in his post.

Sometimes a change like this, your dad's attention on remarrying and your mother with her remarriage can leave a strange feeling in a child and in some ways at 16 your still in need of their support. I know your hesitant about talking to a school councelor but they actually are trained to help you and they have these jobs because students DO have things they struggle with and need help.

Open Eyes

I guess I'm just trying to progress for getting help if I end up asking to go to the doctor...I'm starting here...I talk to my coach through text, and I texted her late late night to tell he I wanted to talk sometime...

Since I'm only sixteen, am I allowed to see a doctor alone? I didn't think I was...

My dad is extremely supportive, and I get along with him really well...but our relationship is just starting to get better. It was kind of at a stand still for a while...

And for my mom...well all of my issues with her are in one of my other posts..."so many emotions" and it's super long...but I don't want to have to make everyone bored by telling that story...

Thanks everyone for the ideas

hi, justdontask - from your last post, it sounds like you are taking most of the responsibility for the relationship with your father. he's the parent - he's the one who is supposed to be there for YOU. by approaching him with your problems, you are not threatening the relationship with him. in fact, you might be building / strengthening it. please consider discussing your feelings with your father. i think the problems you are having are serious. it's very important to get help early before the problem feelings grow stronger. please let go of your need to be perfect a little. no one is perfect and you should not feel that your humanness is a problem.

it sounds like you are depressed. i am not sure that talking to a coach is sufficient. a trained professional like a school counselor is a much sounder choice. please keep us informed. all the best to you.

at age 16 you are able to see your doctor (be in the exam room with your doctor, have private conversations with your doctor) without parents being in the exam room watching the you go through your physicals, discussions with your doctors and other treatments)

usually around the time puberty hits (anywhere 10 yrs of age on up for some its sooner for others its later) parents start asking their children - would you like me to stay here with you while the doctor does the exam, treats you... or would you like me to wait outside the door or in the waiting room for you.

if the child asks the parents to wait outside or in the waiting room the doctor or doctors nurse will "retrieve" the parent for the parental side of the appointment- discussing the problem treatment, followup care and if needed whether another appointment is needed.

by the teen years the doctor or nurse calls the childs name and the child follows the nurse to the exam room while the parents wait in the lobby (unless the parent needs to tell the doctor for the child what is going on and why they needed to be seen, if thats the case the parents follow with the child, first few minutes of the appointment the parent explains to the doctor then excuses their self so the teen can have their time with the doctor. afterwards the doctor talks with the parents.

You can find out how your doctor handles teens by giving the doctor a call and the doctors office staff will tell you, whether you need to be accompanied by a parent and whether the parent will have to stay in the exam room with you. or you can ask your parents.

I don't feel like I can go right away...I mean, I've come here...I'm going to talk with her. Then maybe I'll find what it takes to go to a counselor at my school. Maybe after that, a doctor. I'm just unsure right now I guess.

Maybe it's not so much that I want to be perfect, but I want to ignore that something is wrong...I don't know...

Thank you for the advice

((((((JustDontAsk)))))

I am really impressed with your ability to express your concerns. I read your other thread as you suggested and you really did a good job expressing yourself. I give you an A for that.

You know, all people WANT to have the right family picture. And that is something that I honestly think we are designed to do for our survival. So when the family is fractured through a divorce or loss of a parent, the children really DO feel a sense of loss and often they can't exactly pin point WHY.

I personally respect your desire to know the facts about your parents. Your an A student and that is because you like to learn and know the WHYS, there is nothing wrong with that. And I think that your recognition of the sports being something that grounds you and is very healthy is also very mature thinking.

And when you talk about the age where you started to wonder what didn't work out with you parents, well, that is the age when boys and girls start to think about relationships. So, it is only normal that you wonder what went wrong with your parents. I consider that a very intelligent question. I disagree with "that is none of your business" sentiment. Is it in the past? Yes, but it IS a part of your life and your inner family dimension. I totally understand that you simply want to know the truth and it is not so much WHO is to blame, perhaps you just wanted the WHYS. I also think that your spot on about your father's honesty, because, as you say, your more like him and the discussion you had with him, in my opinion showed his honesty. And I like how your dad talked about things he failed to do and that he talked about his part of the reason. I liked it because he gave you the WHY you could learn from and think about when it comes to your having your own relationship someday.

In my opinion, I would have to agree with you about your mother's reaction to the question and her blaming everything on your father. I can't blame you for being concerned about her not mentioning the cheating and your feeling her NOT being totally honest with you.

Your concern about being the middle man in their interactions is correct, they should NOT have you assume THAT role, that is inconsiderate and imature of them. I honestly can blame you for being upset about that YOUR INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO KNOW ITS WRONG.

Your feelings about your mother favoring your brother are probably correct, if you take after your father, she may unknowingly be pushing you away for that reason. I find it interesting that she has YOU do more chores than your brother as well, almost like making up for what your father didn't do which would go right along with his version of the WHY for the breakup. But I don't think that your mother is really AWARE of how she is treating you different. However I think your senses are correct. But you have to think about the WHYS that I am saying here and the important WHY is something your mother is not REALLY AWARE she is doing. You can't help it if you take after your father, after all, you have HIS genetics in you. And the space that puts between you and your mother IS NOT YOUR FAULT EITHER.

Is your mother ever going to come out and admit she cheated on your father? Probably not and there is probably some guilt in that and people tend to express anger and resentment if they harbor some guilt. I think that you RESPECT your father more than your mother, and that is from their actions and interactions with you, that is NOT your fault or anything your doing wrong. People, even parents, have to earn respect, respect is not just handed out, not the kind of respect your feeling.

Choose? Well, if you respect your father more than your mother, it IS your choice, and you don't have to feel guilty about it. However, all of us want to respect both of our parents equally, unfortuanately that is not always the way it ends up. What your addressing is your trying to find the truth, that is really all you want, just like in your studies at school, you like the facts and you do very well with the facts.

JustDontAsk?, I see why you picked that name. However human beings are born to ask. We all start by asking "What's that?" around age two and then at age three we begin to ask "WHY". As long as we live we continue to ask those questions, we are designed to ask those questions because that is how we ended up surviving and knowing so much, however we have more to ask, and many more WHYS to answer.
Think about it as the whole picture of how far we have come in our technology and ability to live longer lives.

You're at a point in your life where you are beginning to learn that not ALL people are totally honest. It doesn't mean that your to blame if someone lies to you. It is normal to feel uncomfortable when you feel someone is NOT being honest. There is nothing wrong with respecting someone more because you feel they are being more honest with you. You can still love both your parents and yet prefer one to the other as far as getting along with one better than the other etc. No one says you have to be what your mother wants, like being a musician. YOU have to be what YOU want, and this is the time you start making these decisions.

You have the right to speak up and tell your parents that your not going to be in the middle of their interactions with each other. If you accept that role it will only become expected so you might as well state that you will NOT do this.

Your correct about doing your best to get back into your studies and sports and look forward to YOUR future. I think that your very smart and consciencious, you have the right to ASK QUESTIONS. Some quesitons that you ask of others may not get the answers you want. Yes, people are not always honest about themselves, some things they just want to keep to themselves and you have to find a way to respect that for what it is. It is all a part of growing up, thats all.

((((Hugs))))

Open Eyes

My parents have been going with me to the doctor forever...I've never gone alone. If I'm with my dad that week, I tell my mom not to come. She argues that she needs to because I tell her nothing...Fair enough I guess. I guess I just don't want my parents to be all around me all the time...I feel as though I need some independence. I guess they don't feel the same way.

Being lied to hurts so much more than the truth. I just can't make my mom see that, no matter what I do or what I try. I always end up wrong in the end, so after a while, I just gave up trying to talk to her about my thoughts. I don't need someone rejecting my opinion...

My dad did do a really good job being honest with me. He always used to say that he wouldn't tell me until I was older, but I talked him into it one night. Thankfully all it took was one chance...Anyway, I don't think I wrote of my relationship with my dad before he told me everything...mainly because we really didn't have one. It's not like I didn't like him, but he wasn't my best friend either. He was just my dad...and ever since he told me the truth, things with him have improved. I feel as if I can go and talk to him about some things, but I can't talk to him about going to the doctor because I may have some issues that need to be addressed.

The only thing with my mom and brother is that he doesn't have any issues with her. He tends to defend her though...and I don't. Not at all. I don't want much to do with her until she comes clean...and I don't think she will either. I've given her plenty of chances...Some of this could be my fault too though. I tend to push her away, not give her a chance to make things up to me. But I guess in my eyes, the only way to make things up to me is to tell me the truth. It shouldn't be that hard to do. At least I don't think so. I let someone know when I screw up...it's not to this degree, but still...I don't know I guess that is just what I think, not like that matters to anyone much.

I do what I want to do with my life right now...I'm 16, I will never get today back, I never get yesterday back...I don't get a redo. Nobody does. So I want to live my life how I want to. My mom just doesn't agree with my interests, and that tends to cause a lack of support for me. My brother, on the other hand, plays music, so she tends to support what he does a lot more. My mom very rarely shows up to my away games, anything out of 45 minutes of travel time is a no-go...but my dad is always there, especially so that if I get hurt, he is there to help me. And that happens to me quite a bit, I can get pretty beat up sometimes.

The other thing I have to consider with my mom is the fact that her parents did not allow her to play sports during her childhood. At least she allows me to play. But that doesn't mean she likes it or supports it 100% all the time. The fact that she does not have a sports background could also be the reason she pushed me towards music...I still don't think that makes it right for her to try to tell me how to live...Maybe I'm wrong for feeling that way...I don't know...

My grades and possibly my sports are the only way I'm going to get a long way away from all of this...all I want right now is to get away. I need a break...10 years of this is finally getting to me...I guess I should have seen it coming.

And I just want to know that what I'm feeling is okay...and what is wrong with me. I know I need professional help to find that out...I just don't have the strength to reach out to someone and ask for it right now...that is most definitely out of my comfort zone...I guess I have to do something about it...with school and sports tonight (practiced for 4 straight hours), I'm having issues finding time to take care of myself...that should be the first priority probably...but life goes on no matter how I'm feeling or what I'm feeling, so I guess I'm just going to put those to the side right now...Not ideal, but I have to do what I have to do I guess...

Thank you to everyone who has posted, you have no idea how much I appreciate all of the support, ideas and opinions. It's difficult to see some things or think of some things when you're in the situation...And having others' opinions helps me hear something other than my own voice. Thanks again

((((JustDontAsk))))
I see that your really stuck on the lying and your value of the truth. That happens to be one of my trouble areas as well. I can totally agree with your sentiment about asking "why" can't people just be honest? I ask that all the time and after living for a long time I am seeing that people DO tend to bend the truth or avoid the truth. When I come across that I am always disappointed and I feel like the other person doesn't respect me enough to just be honest. It bothers me even more when I know the truth and I watch the person continue to lie, it bothers me deeply. In my mind lieing is such a waste and no one gains from lies and eventually the truth does come out. And in my experience when that DOES happen and the other person begins to realize that I DO know the truth, they distance from me. To me that is a double whammy because it makes me feel that that other person still doesn't respect me enough to finally just come clean and offer and explanation of WHY they lied. Again, like you, I am very consciencious, I like to learn facts etc. and I find it very disappointing.

When someone lies, it is all about their charector, not yours. I feel that it is especially difficult when a parent lies to a child. Our bond with our parents should be a bond of truth in my opinion. I can understand your desire to want to distance, even your anger about it. I do that too, because I don't like to be around people who play mind games or are not honest with me. There have been times in my life that I pushed a person that lied to me, I pushed because I just wanted the truth so I could build trust. However, some people have been so weak in charector that when I have pushed for the truth, they actually have turned on me and been mean to me. I had to really find my way through that and to be honest, I still get very discouraged. As far as I am concerned, two wrongs don't make a right. Doing something wrong is the first mistake, lieing about it is another wrong, and as I mentioned there is no right that comes out of it. I think that your very smart and you realize that, it disturbs your intellect, it disturbs mine too. And you know what? If we were to sit down with a big number of the members in PC, you would find that it BOTHERS ALL OF THEM AND THEY REALLY STRUGGLE WITH THAT FACT. Some of them are also very angry about it too.

I think that your mother evades the truth because she doesn't want to lose what she feels is her property, you and your brother. In HER mind, she wasn't happy with your father and he DID tell you that he SHOULD have given her more than he did. So the base truth is that your mother was very disappointed in her relationship with your father. I am sure that over time she got very angry and felt abandoned or that she wasn't really loved and appreciated. When this happens a sense of self worth is a BIG question and in a way it feels like a broken promise. After a while ANGER sets in and this is the danger time. If a woman who is not appreciated (even a man) goes long enough, they are very vulnerable to looking for appreciation somewhere else. If that opportunity arises as was the case with your mother, then an affair can take shape. However, even though there is dishonesty in that, it is fueled by anger of not being appreciated and therefore is justified. You must consider the initial reason for the affair. Even though your mother found another source of appreciation for her, she still held onto the anger of not being appreciated by her original choice in a partner. Your mother is STILL holding onto that ANGER and DISAPPOINTMENT to this day. And somewhere when your father didn't fight for her and expressed to her that he didn't really appreciate her, as he is expressing to you? Your mother got even more angry and her sense of self worth was again denied because your father got angry and divorced her. Believe it or not, it was like a double rejection to your mother's self esteem.

Ok, so lets think about this information JustDontAsk. What I am doing with you is moving to the initial problem in the human psychie that brought all of these confusing emotions out in you. The human psychie is very problematic as we do not LEARN how to understand it. One of the biggest problems with the human psychie is LACK OF COMMUNICATION SKILLS. JustDontAsk, even Stephen Hawking admits that he simply doesn't understand women. ???????? is his sentiment and he is a genius! So consider that.

So lets think about your feelings and your relationship with your mother and you DO feel that you take after your father. There is a space between you and your mother and it is very similar to the relationship she had with your father. I know that you don't see these dimensions but they are truely there, however to this day your mother fails to be honest about HER side and even expresses anger because intially she didn't get the attention she truely craved so long ago. Your mother is not going to consider her affair wrong, even it was wrong. Her main anger started before that happened, and somehow because your father failed the test in her personal needs being met. Instead of communicating her needs to him in a way he could understand, she felt he should have just known. This is a big problem between men and women. Women have this idea that men SHOULD KNOW how to meet their romantic needs and sense of being prized and loved and important above all other things. Men fail this test all the time because they don't think like women, Men marry and then have their careers and interests and think that their job is to just provide. Often once men WOOO the woman into establishing her as a mate, they stop WOOOing and paying attention to the woman that made her fall in love and want to commit in the beginning. Women DONT LIKE THIS and they are disappointed because when the MAN stops putting THEM as a priority they feel UNAPPRECIATED AND UNLOVED. Suddenly they begin to feel deflated and little by little as the man shows less and less attention for them, THEY GET VERY ANGRY INSIDE. Unfortunately women feel that they should not have to tell the man how they feel when this happens. As they experience that loss of attention and wooing it really effects their sense of self esteem and they begin to hurt and anger sets in. Maybe your mother DID try to tell your father in subtle ways and your father didn't get the message. That made your mother feel even worse and as soon as that other man presented her with the wooing she was not recieving, she gave in to that other man. But JustDontAsk, even though she did that, she was only filling a hole in her ego, she was only covering her hurt and disappointment in YOUR FATHER. This is the real wedge that is always going to be between your mother and father and even today THEY FAIL TO COMMUNICATE and there is still anger on both sides. TWO WRONGS NEVER MAKE A RIGHT.

So JustDontAsk, the hole you have between you and your mother is very similar to the hole she has with your father. Her deep psychie is a FEELING OF REJECTION and she just doen't know how to put it into words and it all stems from her feeling neglected.
Your mother doesnt really LOVE your brother more than you. What is REALLY happening is that your brother is filling that unspoken attention that your mother LIKES by choosing to do the things she loves and appreciates in life. In a way your brother is WOOing your mothers EGO. Do YOU woo your mother's ego? No not really, you don't like music, you like sports and other things. You have the right to choose the things you enjoy to do in life. But, your mother STILL doesn't understand WHAT THAT REALLY MEANS. She also doesn't seem to be able to think about FILLING YOUR NEEDS because her psychie is too dependant on RECIEVING ATTENTION to HER needs. This has nothing to do with her LOVING you JustDontAsk. I know it feels that way but apparently your mother is not really seeing that in a way that overcomes that original hurt that she never seemed to be able to put into words.

I think that your mother has you do the chores and other things because somehow it brings you into HER NEEDS. In a way it is kind of a test of her filling something she needs in you that she is NOT REALLY AWARE OF. This problem with your mother stems back to her youth and her inability to communicate her needs somehow, or some of her needs were just not met somehow and JUST AS YOUR DOING RIGHT NOW, she too struggled with a wonder of TRYING TO EXPRESS HER SENSE OF CONFUSION AND FRUSTRATION. So, in a way your a lot like your mother, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE YOUR SENSE OF LOSS AND YOU HAVE A DEEP ANGER TOO.

It isn't easy to completely understand the human psychie if you are not given the base of the problems JustDontAsk. If you really look at your own questions and your own messages of "OH, I AM NOT REALLY THAT IMPORTANT, OR WORTHY". That is the very beginning of WHY PEOPLE LIE AND STRUGGLE TO TELL THE TRUTH. That is also the very beginning of struggling with others that do not give YOU the truth. This is where so many problems in people begin JustDontAsk. What your questioning about your father and mother and your personal struggle with WHO to choose or that you even have to seem to choose all stems from THEIR INABILITY TO COMMUNICATE "THEIR" NEEDS. And the reality is THEY NEVER LEARNED TO DO IT EITHER. This fact is SO COMMON that it is the main reason behind SO MANY CONFUSING THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS in "MOST" HUMAN BEINGS.

Unfortunately JustDontAsk, this problem is handed down through generations within families. And it is a real problem and for most teens your age, it is a major concern and it truely effects their sense of self worth and self esteem and so many your age only speak of some kind of hole that they find depressing and they don't know WHERE IT COMES FROM. And the reality behind it all is just what I have described, PEOPLE DONT KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE THEIR DEEP NEEDS. And unfortunately, often they don't really understand how their deep needs are not being met. And when they look to their parents like we ALL DO? Often because the parents dont understand it either, they have the sense of loss that you are feeling and questioning in yourself.

It is not your fault JustDontAsk, I have give you the REAL truth you so need to understand. It is really important you understand that what your feeling about your parents has nothing to do with their love and honesty to you. It doesn't mean they don't respect you either. Unfortunately, they honestly don't know HOW. We are what we know. All your mothers focus is on the initial sense of loss, anything that comes after that, she feels is not her fault. In a deep sense she feels he actions are justified and she clearly doesn't want to focus on her wrong actions. I know it is really hard for you to understand JustDontAsk and you might have to read this a few times to truely get to the root of the problems in your family. It can seem SO simple to just speak the truth right? Well, it isn't simple because you cannot understand unless you address the REAL root of the WHY behind the LIES.

I think that you should make it a point to study the human psychie. There are a lot of different roots behind the behaviors of human beings. Some problems are from disorders that people cannot help and some problems stem from needs that were not met in childhoods. There is a whole world of information about the human psychie out there that are only learned when YOU take the steps to learn it. It is not a requirement in education unfortunately. At best the bare basics are addressed sadly.

Open Eyes

((((JustDontAsk)))))

I took a lot time and I know the above post is long. But you have genuine concerns and I just want you to know "ASK". Information and knowledge is HOW you find your personal strengths in life. Your parents are not going to answer all your questions for you. Often they simply don't know HOW. You have REAL questions that you deserve to understand. I don't want you to be my age until you finally understand what I am telling you in my above post. People do all kinds of things to fill a personal need that was somehow not met. People BULLY, lie, cheat, steal, hide, are shy, self harm, feel depressed, stuck, are lonely and confused because of a root they don't really understand. However, there is always a root.

This time in your life where your confused is because you have reached a point where you DO have genuine questions and you are at a point where the limitations of your parents ability to answer these deep questions has made you feel a genuine loss, a loss that many your age feel and don't understand, even wonder if they have a right to know. This situation has nothing to do with your personal failure or even your worthiness. This is exactly where children begin to show confusion and can feel a sense of loss and personal failure that they don't understand. Should I ask and do I deserve to know is a very common expression. The answer is, yes, you deserve to know, you have the right to know but, you didn't get ALL the permission you needed from your parents. Not your fault at all. However, the answers are out there, the ones you yearn to understand. And you have every right to make the efforts to learn the answers to your questions. Learning about the human psychie is a must and always remember, knowledge is the real answer and yes, there is a time where parents don't have the answers to your questions. But it really doesn't mean you dont have the right to learn and continue beyond them.

Open Eyes

I cant tell you why your mom is the way she is. we are not supposed to make diagnostic answers like trying to figure out each others family past that affects the present. doing that kind of thing is called diagnosing and practicing therapy upon PC members.

what I can tell you is that i come from a large family. sometimes my mom would hold on tight to one or another of us. be overly guarded with that son or daughter, not let that son or daughter have their time to branch out and be their own person, do things for their self.

one night I noticed my mother was going to do something one of us didnt want her to do with them. that family member was a teen ager and capable of doing this all on their own. I got the bright idea of asking my mom why was she treating this one like a child? my parents reply was the same as your moms.. because they never tell me everything. I said mom teens never tell their parents everything anyway. look at the rest of us, we didnt always tell you everything. she said my point exactly its embarrassing to be a parent and someone else has to tell me what my kids are up to and who needs this and who needs that and which one is doing that wrong, Im not making that mistake anymore. there was no talking this out with mom. her decision was made.

I went back to my sister and told her no can do, moms along for the ride until you start letting her in..before she will give you any freedom to make decisions on your own and do these things on your own you will need to show her, not just tell her that you are now old enough to do it.

the next time my sister needed to do something happened to be a doctors appointment for some girl monthly problems. no teen age girl where Im from wants their mom along for that stuff, that kind of stuff just isnt talked about.

my sister came home from school and in front of the whole family said - mom Im having trouble with the curse can I call Dr. Brown and make an appointment.

my brothers all giggled, my dad left the room embarrassed, the rest of us sat around watching moms reaction..

mom said yes.

my sister picked up the phone and talked with Dr. Brown (a male and only doctor in our town) giving him a detailed description of the problem, answered his questions, and asked another sister for paper to write on, she wrote out what Dr. Brown told her. then when she got off the phone told my mom in detail what Dr. Brown said.

my moms reaction - a very red face due to the topic of discussion and says looks like you have everything under control would you like me to go with you to the appointment?

my sister bursting with pride and excitement over finally being treated like the teen she was, said no I think I have this one thanks for the offer. how about if I call you if he needs to talk to you?

my mom said "sounds like a plan to me"

from that day on my sister was honored with the responsibility of making her own doctor appointments and attending them because my mom was reassured by seeing my sister was now old enough to do it.

unfortunately with some parents the right to being treated like your age and like you can do things like this has to be earned, you may have to do the same thing.. let your mother in, and actually show her you are a responsible capable teen who can handle making your own decisions.

I guess that does make sense. I've never tried that before.

Thanks for posting this, that gives me something else to consider, and I really appreciate that.

Open Eyes...

Not really sure what a lot of that means yet, I've already read through a few times, and I get about half of it, but I will spend some time reading it again to understand a little better...thank you for posting.

And well, for anyone else who want to know...I was going to talk with my coach tonight...told her that I didn't think I was ready to talk yet, but I told her I do need to sometime...so maybe I will talk to her sometime in the next week or so, I know I shouldn't put it off that long; I just don't even know how I'm going to approach this with my coach...

For those that wanted to know...

I did end up texting my coach...Here's what I said, word for word...

"I guess I just haven't felt like myself lately..I don't have much focus or interest..it takes me longer to do my homework, when I feel like doing it. I still do all of it. I just don't really ever want to..it's like I care about my grades but I don't want to do anything to keep them up...I have a lot less energy too. I go home and just want to sleep and forget about anything else. I get irritated and upset sometimes too, and it's not just with my mom...it's with everyone and everything. My mom, my dad, sometimes my friends, homework...and I don't get it. I've never been like this before...it's getting to the point where I don't even want to practice...I want basketball and softball to get over with as soon as possible. That's not me...Softball is like my life, and now I really don't care all that much if I go or not..some days I would just rather skip it...that's not me...it isn't like this every day, but they kind of come in waves. It's like this for a few then it's okay for a few...but a month or so ago they rarely happened...I don't know why they are happening more now...the mornings tend to be okay but the afternoon and nights are the worst, including school and practices. A lot of stupid stuff that shouldn't matter makes me upset...I don't even know why I let it get to me. I'm not sure what is going on right now or what I should do or where to go...I guess I thought this was a start...and I'm sorry for putting it off..Sometimes I just have an issue with telling someone and admitting I have a problem that I need help with...I would rather solve it on my own, but I don't know if I can with this one"

She ended up asking me a variety of questions...and finally she asked me if I was depressed or anything...if I should go see a doctor or something...and well, she basically gave me two options:go to the school counselor or go see my doctor...and she even offered to go with me...I'm not quite sure what I am going to do yet...I am going to go and see her in person sometime soon though, and hopefully I will get more comfortable with talking in person then. Even though I trust her 100%, it is still hard for me to talk to anyone in person about my feelings. And I think my next step will be finding the courage within myself to ask for help from the school counselor.

I will try to keep everyone updated if you still want me to give updates...

Thanks for reading.

JustDontAsk

Good for you! Please keep us informed. Thanks. All the best to you!

If anybody wanted to know...I did go and see my coach in person earlier this week...and we kind of just talked because I was feeling extremely nervous. We did talk about my issues a little though, and she recommended that I go and see a school counselor because she is trained for stuff like this...of course, that made me even more nervous, but I did go to school the next day, and I did set up an appointment for later in the week. Needless to say, it was a LONG week...but Thursday rolled around and I was strongly considering not going. But I did my best to push aside all my emotions, and I went. Now my counselor thinks that I should talk to a mental health professional from a local organization because she believes I may have depression. I don't mind that idea, but the issue is that I would have to have parental permission because I am under the age of 18. And I have a huge issue with telling my parents things. I told the counselor this, and we talked about that a little. I'm not very good at opening up though, so we didn't get very far in that category...I am going back to see the counselor next Thursday, and we are going to talk a little more about what I'm thinking and if I think I can tell one of my parents...I am going to try to be open, it is just kind of awkward for me. It isn't something I normally do. But I'm trying.

I guess that is the update for what has been going on in my life, I hope everyone is doing well!

JustDontAsk

hey, justdontask - i'm very proud of you! the more you speak with the counselor, the easier it will become. perhaps, you could continue to talk with the counselor and see if the talking helps alleviate the situation before moving on to a therapist. today, it is very common to prescibe anti-depressants because talking about your troubles is more costly. but, i think talking is the way to go. you are at a key moment in the formation of your life. it seems part of the problem is that you do not feel comfortable speaking with either of your parents. speaking with a counselor is the next best thing. Please continue to see the school counselor and keep talking. i am sure it will pay off in the long run. all the best to you!