[Ladyzero]

Haven't been here for a while, just sinking lower and lower. Finally cried out, finally wanted to hear a voice, some HELP, like serious help. That bit comes later... but meanwhile , to distract myself
I did some soduku , online puzzles, for ten whole minutes, and found myself screaming inwardly 'do I actually give a flying fking care where number 7 goes ?' (no !) and crying again, at my patheticness. Turned over, tried to sleep, that didn't work because I sleep on and off all day. Pathetic, as I am, I then rang for a cigarette delivery because I had none, and nearly broke my neck walking across my bedroom floor because of the mess, and went back to bed. Couldn't look at the delivery man because I look, and smell no doubt, a complete mess. Just thanked him, behind a half open door. Imagine that, desperate scenario.

Thought about how I can end this suffering, as I then again tried to induce sleep, but found myself gazing blankly into hard space. My face frozen in grief, willing my phone to ring, praying over and over to God for help.
Seriously, ROCK BOTTOM.
God seemly isn't listening, and has forsaken me.

Not really sure why at gone 2.30am I'm telling you this, but thanks for reading, anyway.

So my day went on, looking for easy relief from this misery. Wondering if a toaster into a full bath would work, but the lead won't reach, it might hurt , and who wants soggy toast anyway ?
Then it was the knife option, but I can't bear blood or pain, other than childbirth so gave that idea up.
Don't have many tablets, certainly not enough to do it properly, and can't face puking up, am a baby and would cry, can't do sick.

So what do I do ? I picked up my phone and rang my doctor. Huge step, for me, in all this time. Been a year, more really if honest, spent in bed. ( Look, at my bedroom floor ! The state of me....... ) Anyway.
What did she say ?
'It's gone 5 oclock, it's the weekend, why are you ringing now ? I haven't seen you in over a year '
I replied 'Doctor, I'm desperate ! '
( As in I need help, a home visit, as the thought of a weekend like this is scary )
What was her answer ? In a high pitched ' get me outta here voice'
'I think an ambulance is a good option !'

SERIOUSLY !
No offer of a visit, follow up, call or support.
That was a doctor, taking a desperate call.

[nicoleb2]

My pdoc would never make a house call, they just don't do that here. And, as it is the weekend, they would also likely say to call an ambulance. Especially if you are as bad as it sounds like. Thats just the way it is. Sucks, but it is what it is

[adam_k]

I agree with nicole. The pdocs are people too and they have thier own lives and responsibilties. The end result would be calling an ambulance anyway. Sorry this doesnt bring much comfort, but that is how healthcare is. A friend is much more likely to stay with you and come over to keep you safe. I hope you get help or at least these feelings pass soon. Please dont hurt yourself.

[Ladyzero]

Thank you both for your replies, but am sorry I disagree, but appreciate your words.
A doctor here in the uk does home visits, and has a duty of care. I didn't ring at 3am, or ask her to do anything unreasonable, or to discuss the weather. She was on duty, she's a doctor. In fact, I didn't even ask for a visit. I needed one though, or at least some support. If I could go to the surgery, would I not do that ?
No my legs aren't broken, just my spirit.
It took a lot for me to pick up the phone.
I need/needed help, and support.
I don't have friends.

[-jimi-]

The state you are in an ordinary outpatient doc can do nothing. You need to go inpatient and do it now. You need someone to help you with hygiene, proper eating and exercise. You need someone to really have you on the right meds. It's a big step but it's what you need to do. Your old doc has no idea what has kept you away, they probably thought you did fairly OK not staying in touch. So realizing it was an emergency, calling an ambulance was proper advice.

You cannot just live in an online world and let everything else deteriorate. Get some help, please.

[adam_k]

Im sorry things are so bad for you. I wish I could help. I don't have any friends I can talk to either. I pretend to be normal and I feel like a liar and fake because Im broken inside. I hope you find help. You can PM me if you want.

[roads]

I don't know whether you can sign yourself into a psych unit all on your own in the UK ... but if it's at all like the US, please just take care of yourself. I doubt that health care is what it was a year ago anywhere--more and more, there doctors are at a distance from us. They work strict business hours, and we must depend on clinics and hospitals and each other for all the other times.

I've been in your place--I had an aging cat who was solely dependent on me, and for that reason alone suicide was out. I had to overcome the depression that was swallowing me whole. I called my friends for help, they decided it was beyond them, and they packed me off in an ambulance to a psych unit--I got to pick which one.

Turned out I'd been mis-diagnosed for decades, and I'm lots better now as a result of the hospital trip, etc.

Sometimes when "The Crisis" comes on a Friday night it's a way of putting us in touch with someone we need to be treated by. IDK. But you need professional help now. Grit your teeth, say a prayer, and make that call. Stay in touch, and we'll be here as much as you want.

Roadie

[Ladyzero]

Thank you so much for your words.
To ring for an ambulance would be a tad dramatic though. There's no way of getting to a hospital on my own. I feel too weak, honestly, to stand in a shower, even, simply due to sparodic eating and huge lethargy. I look like a tramp and am aware of that, some previous comments above about my hygiene, are not relevant or helpful.
I've been awake all night and at 5am gone now, I can just turn over and try to sleep away today. Then comes tomorrow.
Yes I pray, hard, but he doesn't listen.
Thank you for your post.

[Ladyzero]

Originally Posted by adam_k

Im sorry things are so bad for you. I wish I could help. I don't have any friends I can talk to either. I pretend to be normal and I feel like a liar and fake because Im broken inside. I hope you find help. You can PM me if you want.

Bless you, and thank you for your offer. What would I say ? Happy to reply to any p.m. though. Thank you.

[shezbut]

(((Ladyzero)))

I am sorry that you are so depressed and wishful to end your misery. I have been in that state of mind a time or two myself. Thankfully, those times have passed for me.

Have you experienced times like these before? If so, perhaps you could try to remind yourself that things did get easier for you before ~ it did take awhile, some medications, a lot of therapy...but the misery did pass. The memory may only bring a sense of calm for a minute or two, but you can keep reminding yourself in order to make it through until you get the care that you need.

I can understand that it feels a bit extreme to call paramedics for help, but sometimes we need help in doing even seemingly simple tasks. Have you been drinking water and other fluids? The wooziness and weakness are most likely due to dehydration.

Please do get help. Part of you really does want that help. Please let yourself reach out and pick up the phone to call for an ambulance.

[Ladyzero]

Thank you. No, never felt this bad ever before. An ambulance still seems extreme though. I'm not hungry, but made myself eat something, from the freezer and instant when I realised I hadn't eaten for so long. I am listening to all the advice, and know only I can get help, but that's why I picked up the phone to the doctor. A call I should have made 12 months ago before I hit rock bottom.
I'm sure by going to hospital I'd be laughed at.
Thank you for your kind words.

[shezbut]

They wouldn't laugh at you, Ladyzero...

Have you thought about calling a phone support center in your area? I'm not sure what part of the UK you're in...but try the Samaritans and/or Rethink Mental Illness. Please give it a try. It can't hurt you, right?

Phone: 08457 90 90 90 (24-hour helpline) ~ Samaritans
Phone: 0300 5000 927 ~ Rethink Mental Illness

Have a tall glass of water too, okay?

[NoCake]

Yeah I'd go for the hotline. I think you just need to vent y'know?

And stop playing sudoku because I think you've played it to the point of wanting to slap the guy that invented it.

[Ladyzero]

Bless, you two above !
Me and the samaritans are on speed dial ! So thoughtful of you to give their number though. Sometimes they do help, when I just need a human voice, but they just listen and sometimes I don't know what to say. This last week alone, I've rung them probably 4 or 5 times, but I need help, and practical and emotional support.
Yes, am trying to drink fluids regularly, a sweet cup of tea is order I think.
As for the soduku, I am quite good at it, amuses me for ten minutes, but even then I have to ask myself sometimes if I give a flyng fig where the number 7 goes. And I don't !

[-jimi-]

A hotline can be good but if I understand you right you have been living in a severe depression for a year with basically zero self care or exercise. This is NOT judging you. Your body needs as much help as your mind at this point. I know it would be extremely embarrassing to look for real life help, but it might turn your life around! Just think about it. You might have a future where you can take care of yourself and where you are not sad to the bone. Please don't just throw that idea away just because it feels scary.

[ThisWayOut]

I know this is not what I would want to hear in your spot, but I think it's what I know I would need to hear: There is nothing anyone of us can really do to help you. It sounds like you are looking for permission to do something none of us will give you. Your pdoc had a good suggestion. While it may be embarrassing and such, it's an important thing to do. Paramedics don't judge. Hospital personnel don't judge. They are there to help. They will do so when called upon. There were many times I really did not want to go to the hospital, but it worked out in the end. If you don't feel comfortable calling the ambulance yourself, can you call the Samaritans and tell them what you have been feeling and what your doc suggested, and tell them you don't feel comfortable calling? they would probably help you out and make that call... you just need to take that step. There have been many, many times I was mortified by my state of being, but reached out because I had to, and I got the help I needed. Depression comes with crap. It includes a lack of motivation and strength to do even the simplest little things in life. It makes everything seem like you are trying to climb Everest with no harness and in your underwear... In short, IT SUCKS! But you are worth it. You know you need help. You are reaching out, but to the people that cannot really do anything through the screen...

[pegasus]

I'm not sure what you expected your GP to do, if she had come out to see you, maybe give you some medication or try and persuade you to go to hospital? Would you have done what she asked? Maybe she didn't realize that you are on the point of killing yourself. If you are on the point of killing yourself then you really need to go to hospital and yes call an ambulance.

[nicoleb2]

Wasn't trying to be mean or rude with my original post, but if you are feeling suicidal, a home visit from a doctor would end up with you hospitalized anyway.

While it feels like an ambulance is extreme, if you are unable to get yourself to a hospital and are suicidal, that is a time for extreme measures. Just like if you were having a heart attack, the ambulance would be needed Just because it's a mental issue does not mean that it is any less important.

[Ladyzero]

Thank you all. I'm not imagining people through a screen can help practically ! Why are any of us here ? I'm here for support, to help anyone I can, to give advice and listen to others, and make 'friends'.
I know I need help, would rather a doctor saw me and made the decision if a hospital visit was needed.

[-jimi-]

I hope you can catch your doc on hours and explain exactly what you have posted on the forum. I don't think it is a matter if you need hospital care, it is if you can get it. I know a lot of EU states have very little to offer when it comes to inpatient care.

[hinzc7711]

First sleep, then only can talking to P Doc take a hold and help. So I was told by my P Doc.

Regulating the sleep and getting some healthy food habits is a start....very difficult if you don't know what works for you.

I had gone off my Lexapro and started Cortisol Manager...and that helped..big time! no more ups and downs and I'm mellow....even on Coffee.

Hope to talk more once you get going in a restful direction.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Ladyzero

Thank you so much for your words.
To ring for an ambulance would be a tad dramatic though. There's no way of getting to a hospital on my own. I feel too weak, honestly, to stand in a shower, even, simply due to sparodic eating and huge lethargy. I look like a tramp and am aware of that, some previous comments above about my hygiene, are not relevant or helpful.
I've been awake all night and at 5am gone now, I can just turn over and try to sleep away today. Then comes tomorrow.
Yes I pray, hard, but he doesn't listen.
Thank you for your post.

What I see is that you are not recognizing that your prayers are being answered. If you "realize" that you need help and can see the predicament you are in, then that is a good sign. It is when someone "can't" see it and just continues to decend, that is something to be concerned about.

When Constantine decided to make Christianity the main religion that was attached to how he wanted to "rule", he had the Bible put together in a way that left out some important messages. He wanted people to think about prayers being answer from "external" ways. He didn't want the citizens to think about their own connection with God.
What was left out is that we all have the ability to develope our own connection, that we all carry that "within". We must all learn to "know thyself" and understand how we can "individually empower" ourselves.

When you began to recognize your true condition, that was an important starting point. Even your fear is important because you are "more aware" of the way you have perhaps unknowingly decended.

Instead of being "frightened", you need to now keep moving "forward" and commit to recognizing your condition and begin the path to getting therapy and help so that you can learn how to slowly take over your own path to healing and gaining.

You began to take over, fed yourself and tried to shower. While you tried to shower, yes, you noticed that you were weak from malnourishment along with being in bed and inactive for so long that your bloodflow is not "normal", not getting to your brain because of how you have been so sedimentary for how long? a year?.

You have to access this as calmly as you can ok? Think about how long it took for you to get this weak/bad, well, in order for you to make gains, you are going to have to work on increasing your mobility and nourishment slowly. As you work on this, your sense of personal spirt will begin to lift from the weight of how you did not take care of yourself that has led you to the condition you are in.

The journey to healing the mind/soul/body has to begin with the awareness of where you are, then you have to begin the commitment to healing.

A therapist coming out to your home? What can that do? It can't change the fact that you have allowed yourself unknowingly to grow weak in mind/soul/body. A therapist can only tell you what you already know and are recognizing. And the fact that you don't think an ambulence is in order, means that perhaps you can work on gaining some energy to find a way to get yourself to a place where you can finally begin your journey to healing.

I understand the "fear" but it is needed so that you recognize that you need to now take some steps to healing.

My advice is that while you are recognizing your condition, that you make sure you don't look at it and think your only direction is to decend, because that is not true. That is not what this recognition means at all. Instead it means your prayers are being answered, and now that you do see it, you are ready to finally "heal". You can begin to take the steps to "saving yourself".

Open Eyes

[ECHOES]

Ringing someone for help whom you haven't seen in a year surely underlines the pain you are in. I can understand her answer though, too. It would have been nice to have her seem more concerned with you rather than with her, though. But she did offer you the help that she had to offer... and that was the suggestion to ring for an ambulance. To me, that sounds clearly like she did understand your pain and urgency.

Ringing for an ambulance is no less dramatic, do you think? You are weak and afraid and you want help. I think the ambulance is the quickest way to that help. Whether one calls that dramatic or urgent, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you find help and that you feel better

[Open Eyes]

Ladyzero, can you call the therapist again tomarrow, and maybe get a taxi to the hospital if your therapist can refer you to the hospital?

When I posted to you above, I did not mean "not to follow up with a therapist". Keep making sure you eat, try to clean yourself up, go easy, but cleaning yourself up will help you feel better. It is time to get back into therapy and heal.

((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Ladyzero]

Thank you everyone. I am hoping to contact a doctor today (Mon 4th)
To get this low is scary.