[madisgram]

Are You a Victim of a Victim Mentality?

How does a caterpillar transform into a butterfly? It doesn't just happen. There are many steps involved in this transformation, as there are in the journey from victim to survivor.
Going from victim to survivor has to be a conscious choice, because often, as we suffer through "victimhood," we rarely realize we're doing it.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/hayley..._b_874644.html

[(JD)]

Interesting. I have noticed how often people who are genuinely injured become markedly improved once the settlement suit is closed.

Some of that improvement of course comes from the relief of being free of legal business stress...but much of it comes from the dispensing of the victim mentality, imo. No longer having to try and "prove" they were injured, they don't have to be so careful about what they do (or rather who will see them trying to do something) except for physical consequences, and the settlement "proves" to the world that, yes, they were injured, but now they can get on with their life, however changed it may be.

[elliemay]

"....Moving from victim to survivor simply takes a shift of consciousness...."

*knocks self on head* of course! A simple shift of consciousness! That's all there is to it!

It's simple - once you've done it.

Actually doing it.... not so much with the simple.

[Junerain]

I have had victim mentality all through my twenties. It took meeting the right people at the right support groups and the right churches to grow into the me I am today, strong and assertive and not allowing others to abuse me or overlook me. The right friends. I sure as heck did not grow by my family, they only hindered my growth. Sometimes friends are your family. Sometimes when you have had as many failures, attacks on your character, and cruelty as I have seen with my now worn out eyes- yes, the victim mentality starts to be the only thing you can count on in this cruel world. Crawling out of it takes a village, much like raising a child takes a village. There are some beautiful people out there, it just takes a pickaxe to find them sometimes. that includes the people of PC, many conversations and or threads here helped me grow. Loving life now, as someone who goes after what they want from life, instead of life being 'done' TO ME.......I only can guess what lies in my future at this point, my life has steadily improved ever so slowly...and it ain't stopped improving yet

[Can't Stop Crying]

Very good article - it takes a tremendous amount of self-awareness to realize you have fallen into that trap, also takes a lot of helping hands to pull you out once you've found yourself ensnared! Personally, I'm still trying to make the switch. While recognizing it intellectually is the first step - making your heart believe what your head knows is the hardest step. The change doesn't happen overnight, even with cognitive awareness of victim-type behaviors, it's a long process to transform into that butterfly!

[Open Eyes]

Well, I lived my life like that, constantly moving forward. But as it states while I did have many trials, bad trials, and long trials I did move forward.

In my state now, I can't seem to do that. I am riddled with anxiety and like JD in a legal battle with a stack of bills that all the good intentions in the world wont pay, I can bearly pay the interest, these bills caused by damage done through neglance from someone else.

This PTSD was thriving while I was stubborn and trying. But it grew to a point where it knocked me down. As I want it to be a mind over matter, I can't seem to gain ground. But I am in a way trapped into having to remember painful moments, that should just be a memory, but it hasn't been allowed to in this long drawn out battle.

I was not even aware of the PTSD symptoms, rage, anger, sadness, confusion, terrible dreams, mental exhaustion, and triggers that set me in a tail spin of terrible anxiety attacks. I have been trying so hard to battle these effects. And the flashbacks, I hate them, why do they come from nowhere? No, I dont want to be a victim of being a victim.

Well, I have a new therapist and I have only seen him once. So maybe he will help, I hope so.
I am tired of being a victim of being a victim. Maybe as JD says when the legal issue is over, I can put all this in a memory where it belongs. I do think it is important to remember why we were a victim, but I think it is bad to have to keep remembering it and be in a ground hog day state, not very good.

Open Eyes

[madisgram]

"but I think it is bad to have to keep remembering it and be in a ground hog day state, not very good."-open eyes

so true, OE. when i was first dealing with the transition of not being a victim i realized if i stayed in that mentality i would be stuck there. i wanted to move on with my life, not ruminate, not give the other person power over me...that was a huge motivator to understand and apply a healthier mentality for me.

For me, it was finding a therapist that was big on "validation". Staying away from the key elements of victimization such as minimization, invalidation, degregation, gas-lighting, bullying, scape-goating, humiliation and I am sure there are many more triggers out there associated with keeping on in victim mode.

One thing to realize is that a victim can move into survivor mode and then hopefully into thriving. Thriving is where I want to be.

DBT has also helped me tremendously. Living in the present moment and radically accepting what happened to me in the past.

[Junerain]

I have heard about 'radical acceptance' but only a little bit. Care to enlighten me?


Also, a hug goin' out to Open Eyes You are stronger than you know

[sittingatwatersedge]

Just discovered this thread and wanted to bring it back.

what if, after long, truly honest, & careful thought, you refuse the idea that you have VM but yr T is just hung up on it? therapy is teetering on this issue.

SAWE: I do not think of myself as a victim. I was one, once, yes; but no more. In fact I take good care to make sure that I am not one now.
T: And by doing that, you prove that you think of yourself as one.

SAWE: If a person goes running, and goes through a bad area, and is mugged, will she run that route again? Very doubtful. But if not, is she showing victim mentality? I would say not.
T: (no answer)

SAWE: If a person hires a contractor and he collects money claiming the job is done, and it isn't, is the homeowner likely to hire him again? And if she doesn't - or does! - is she showing victim mentality? I would say not.
T: (no answer)

I am SO tired of wrangling about this.

Sitting, it sounds like you need a new therapist. That one seems more hung up on being right than on helping you.

[anneo59]

ty for info. Think victimizing oneself doesn't help to manage disorders or illnesses or to have a happy life.
Been thinking a lot bout this lately as hub has been accusing me of overdoing the victimhood thing lately! He isn't always right, but this time I think he is! So, a worthy goal to work on! The best, all

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Very good article - it takes a tremendous amount of self-awareness to realize you have fallen into that trap, also takes a lot of helping hands to pull you out once you've found yourself ensnared! Personally, I'm still trying to make the switch. While recognizing it intellectually is the first step - making your heart believe what your head knows is the hardest step. The change doesn't happen overnight, even with cognitive awareness of victim-type behaviors, it's a long process to transform into that butterfly!

yes am finding this a tough journey myself

[Perna]

I don't think your examples are quite parallel to the original?

If a person goes running, and goes through a bad area, and is mugged, will she be fearful of being mugged again?

Women may feel more concerned than men walking on a deserted street, but when it comes to robbery the “purse-snatcher” stereotype doesn’t hold true. Robbers are significantly more likely to target men than women—the annual odds are 1 in 296.8 for men versus 1 in 689.8 for women.

From: Book of Odds - Your Money or Your Life: Robbery Odds

If a person hires a contractor and he collects money claiming the job is done, and it isn't, (why didn't you check to see if it was done before paying him the last amount?), is the homeowner likely to think the next contractor might rip her off should she need work done again?

The problem with "victim mentality" that I see is associating the one, "freak" incident with all situations where that incident could, technically, happen again. It's a projection of sorts. You have a car accident and get PTSD and won't ride in cars. That's an extreme and PTSD is often not something you can help but look at it from the eyes of a Vet that comes home and drives in the middle of the road because he knows in the war zone the IED is by the side of the road. To me, in a sense, "victim mentality" is any time you cannot look at a current situation without the blinders of a bad, previous situation.

Yes, this situation may be a bad situation and you don't want to chance it but you don't start with the assumption that that will be the case until you have looked at all that is there. It may look like a previous situation at first glance, but sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and you have to be able to tell the situations apart. You can't do that if a cigar is a penis every time.

[Hellion]

Can't one be a victim and a survivor? I am a victim of some things, but I am still alive so I guess I must be a survivor as well. However that doesn't negate what's happened to me.

And I don't get this choice thing I cant just up and choose that I wasn't a victim of the things I was. I certainly did not choose to be a victim of anything. I guess I will still check out the article but usually this sort of thing doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

[Hellion]

Nope didn't like the article, I think the author also makes a lot of assumptions that aren't necessarily true. People prefer to stay in the victim mode because its less difficult? Oh yeah its so easy going through life feeling anxious, on edge and like you have to watch your back all the time. So yeah I entirely disagree with the premise that its a conscious choice.

and just had to point out a couple of things:

Being a survivor is a conscious decision. It is not something that just happens.

Make the decision to no longer sulk in self-pity and feel that the world is out to get you when you experience disappointments.

Instead of being miserable when things don't go the way you wanted, ask yourself what you can do now.

Don't immediately give up and start wallowing in grief. Keep working toward your desired outcome no matter how many times you get rejected or have doors slam in your face. This applies to life's challenges as well as facing the long and emotional road to recovery after being the victim of a sexual assault or trauma.

Being a survivor is a state of mind. A survivor keeps going in the face of adversity. A survivor must cultivate the tenacity of a tired hiker on a steep hill with no peak in sight.

Although it will feel like an uphill battle at first, as you move consciously from victim to survivor you will begin to see small improvements, and over time, it will change the entire quality of your life for the better.

1. How the hell are you supposed to just stop feeling how you feel? and perhaps its not simple self pity maybe its terrible memories and feelings you remember that you can't get out of your head even if you would rather not dwell on it.

2. What makes the author think it's things not going the way someone wanted that is causing all the misery?...It's much more than that with me and probably others. Its more crap that shouldn't have taken place did and it turned out to be more than I could handle. Also sometimes there is nothing to do now, sometimes things happen and nothing can be done to change it.

3. I don't immeaditly give up and wallow in grief, but yeah I don't have the ability to keep working towards my desired goals regardless of what I am faced with...rejections set me back, doors slammed in my face set me back...sometimes its just too hard to keep going and pushing. I mean something has to give eventaully where does the author think someone like me is going to get the drive, confidence, motivation to just keep pushing regardless of what I face...I have PTSD give me a damn break sheesh. Not to mention what if you don't have a goal because that is how lost you are in life.

I mean what if you're climbing this steep mountain, you've gotten totally exuasted and the peak isn't even in sight...so you decide you gave it your best effort and now its time to go find another goal then you aren't a survivor? I mean I guess I will never be stong enough to be a survivor then because I can only handle so much and due to my PTSD I can handle even less than I used to be able to.

[Perna]

Hellion, I don't think it is about being able to "up and choose that I wasn't a victim of the things I was" but what one does from then on, if one gets stuck either looking back at those things or looking at new things with cloudy glasses based on the previous and deciding it's going to rain on the present activities when it's actually a sunny day.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Perna

Hellion, I don't think it is about being able to "up and choose that I wasn't a victim of the things I was" but what one does from then on, if one gets stuck either looking back at those things or looking at new things with cloudy glasses based on the previous and deciding it's going to rain on the present activities when it's actually a sunny day.

I guess I just don't see it as so much of a choice, I mean the reason I get stuck looking back at those things is due to having PTSD...memories hit me and I can get kind of stuck in it not because I choose to, or because I think its easier not to move on...but because that is what PTSD does.

Also, where I come from its very likely it could rain on present activities regardless of how sunny of a day it is. I mean that literally and figuratively. Or even if everything is good I still have symptoms and thoughts going on in my head which can prevent me from enjoying it.

I guess I don't see how to choose not to worry about stuff that has happened and could happen again. I try not to always be prepared for the worst but it seems having PTSD makes me always prepared for the worst even if I do try to just relax and not dwell on crap. Also there is just the whole issue of repeatedly thinking things where getting better or working out somewhat only for things to take a turn for the worst.

[lynn P.]

This isn't a response to anyone here. I thought the article was good and it applies to some circumstances when I read in back in 2011. I'm a victim of an awful marriage to a narcissistic man who's threatened me with financial hardship, possible alienation of the kids and making my life hell if I push legally for divorce. I have been trying to find a job to give myself financial independence but no luck. I've tried all the mental tricks and positive thinking but I completely out of ideas. So yeah I'm a victim not by choice.

[happiedasiy]

What a great thread to bring back !

To all who are still suffering in a mental state of being a victim I am here. I am also a survivor and with that comes alot of stress.
Being stuck in a survivior mode isn't a happy/healthy life.
Noone has a choice of being a victim.
Everyone is different and everyone heals by different means.
Pc offers support, validation, tools and frienship.

From what I have been told professionally, is that you can't undo what has happened to you.

Acceptence on your own terms! allows victims/surviviors to begin to heal and live again. Not by what has happened but who we are today.

This means you begin to have more control/power over how your past has its grip in the present. To move forward with new tools you/me will be able to take life back instead of enduring.
Determined to live life not as a victim or survivior mode but freely.
We are stronger, wiser, insightful creatures and we have purpose.
Happiedasiy

[Lightfiend]

I think overcoming the "victim mentality" has two main parts:

1. Recognize that sometimes bad things happen to good people for no good reason - you don't deserve this.

2. Understanding that no matter what happens to you in life, you have to focus on what's in your power to change and grow from.

[sittingatwatersedge]

I don't think your examples are quite parallel to the original?
my examples were things I thought up myself about 8 wks ago, nothing to do with 'the original' (article)?

If a person goes running, and goes through a bad area, and is mugged, will she be fearful of being mugged again?
not what I asked. I said, will she go that way again (for fear of being mugged)? IMO she will not, and this is not victim mentality, it is wisdom born of experience. We even have an adage about it.: Once burned, twice shy.

If a person hires a contractor and he collects money claiming the job is done, and it isn't, (why didn't you check to see if it was done before paying him the last amount?),
because the property is in another city and a relative had said the work was done, but doesn't know anything about carpentry.

The problem with "victim mentality" that I see is associating the one, "freak" incident with all situations where that incident could, technically, happen again.
in Psych the term has a specific meaning; let's stick to that.

[ultramar]

I think it may have something to do with identity. I think one can get 'stuck' when one's identity gets taken over by the victim (or even survivor) status. I think perhaps this can especially manifest itself in those who already have a shaky sense of identity; for these people, the role of victim/survivor can serve the purpose of providing a solid identity where one is otherwise lacking.

I think it can become a problem when other aspects of ourselves, our multiple roles in life, etc., get pushed aside or far into the background, and so much is seen and experienced through the lens of trauma victim/survivor. I think there's a time for this in the process, but it is possible to get 'stuck' in this role -and I think the diagnosis of PTSD has the potential to feed/propagate identity issues. Perhaps it's important to keep in mind that PTSD is not -necessarily- a life sentence.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by ultramar

I think it may have something to do with identity. I think one can get 'stuck' when one's identity gets taken over by the victim (or even survivor) status. I think perhaps this can especially manifest itself in those who already have a shaky sense of identity; for these people, the role of victim/survivor can serve the purpose of providing a solid identity where one is otherwise lacking.

I think it can become a problem when other aspects of ourselves, our multiple roles in life, etc., get pushed aside or far into the background, and so much is seen and experienced through the lens of trauma victim/survivor. I think there's a time for this in the process, but it is possible to get 'stuck' in this role -and I think the diagnosis of PTSD has the potential to feed/propagate identity issues. Perhaps it's important to keep in mind that PTSD is not -necessarily- a life sentence.

I don't know I have done a fair amount of research and many sources say PTSD can become a lifetime disorder...especially if you did not receive proper help/support early on to make a proper recovery from the trauma. And I am still trying to get proper help and support for it 5 years later so I think in my case its not too inaccurate to think of it might be a little bit too late to undo it.

Not sure a diagnoses really feeds the identity issues, though I can't deny that part really sucks. I find it to be an even bigger issue after the disaster that came out of my being prescribed klonopin...but I hate telling that story so I wont go into detail.

[Vibe]

I really like this thread, because it brings up an issue that I see so much. People begin to see themselves as "victims" or being "sick." I agree that it becomes part of their identity. Some become so focused on fighting stigma that they constantly try to justify their symptoms and experiences, thus driving this identification deeper. They take suggestions that maybe they can find a way out, as accusations that they are "not doing enough" or that they can just "snap out of it." Then they react defensively rather than seeing the light that the original suggestion was supposed to bring.

They get trapped in this victim mentality. Their present self is defined by past events or certain difficulties that they have. Unfortunately, when you have this view of yourself, you subconsciously give off signals to others and can even put yourself in dangerous situations over and over again. I've known people who seemed to attract tragedy wherever they went. This was largely the result of their own "victim mentality." Unfortunately the new events made things worse and I watched these people spiral downhill. Some eventually did figure out how to pull themselves out, but the rest did end up with a lifetime of problems.

Learning to see yourself differently and to find a life outside of the issues/past is very important. That is part of moving to "survivor." 'Something bad happened (very past tense) to me, but I'm in a different place now where I'm moving on.' People with this mentality still struggle, but they are no longer overwhelmed and controlled by negativity.

I wish the article talked about the next step. This is commonly referred to as being a "thriver." At this point you aren't weighed down by negativity at all (although you might still have a bad day or get triggered like everyone does). These people feel that they have grown and conquered the problems which plagued them. Many feel that they are better people for what they have accomplished. This doesn't justify any of the bad things which happened in their past. Instead it's reflective of their accomplishments. They are able to live happy and fulfilling lives.

Don't take any of this personally. I'm not talking about anyone specifically. The message here isn't supposed to be one of judgement. Instead it's about hope and empowerment. Keep working to make a good life for yourself and deal with (then allow yourself to put aside) the traumas, and you can get to a really good place in life. It's for and about you; nobody else.