whole lot of "stuff" going on

apologies to Elvis for the play on his song in the title

I've been dithering about posting about all this stuff for a long time. I would compose posts in my head, but never type them out and post them.

I've tried to figure out which forum to post in... Most of the folks I know post/read in the social forum, but that's for light stuff. Some of what's going on is grief, but not all. Some of it is about fighting negative thinking, but that's not all. Some of it is about work, but that's not all. I kind y'all get the point. There's a whole lot of stuff going on that all ties together, but doesn't fit in one forum. So I decided to try here. Mods, could you please leave the post here? I'm not sure I can handle having it moved.

I'm not sure what to say so I'm just going to type as I think. Part of my reluctance to post so far is that I have it in my head that I need to keep it light here. It's part of the persona I've developed. Liz is there for other people, but doesn't need help. That's reverting to some bad old thinking on my part...

I try really hard to have a positive outlook on the world. I try to be positive and supportive in my posts here. Life dumps enough poop on us, I see no reason to spread it around. The last few months I've struggled, not so successfully, to remain positive in my dealings with the world. I thought I was doing an OK job of covering up how I was thinking and feeling until a new co-worker commented that I seemed kind of aggravated. She's right. My fuse has grown really short. After a visit to my pdoc Monday I think I've sorted out where my crankiness is coming from.

here's what's been going on in no particular order.....

My old boss at work moved to a new position in the agency in June. They hired her replacement from outside the agency. At the same time they restructured our program. A new supervisor position was created. I applied for the position since I'd done the work before. They said they were going to make a decision quickly. Ended up taking six weeks to make their decision. I did not get the job. They are bringing in another person from outside the agency. I have mixed feelings about not getting the job. There are pros and cons to both sides. In any case, there are going to be big changes at work. I've learned to be a flexible person. I'm good at going with the flow. At the same time I also know that given my personal history change is some times tougher for me than others. Change that's outside my control can scare the poo out of me. In the past not being in control meant danger. The rational part of my brain knows I'm not in physical danger, but those old feelings are tough to keep under wraps.

This time of year brings up all kinds of grief anniversaries. Last Sunday made 13 years since my husband died. Next month makes 4 years since Mom died. This might not mean much to the non-animal folks, but I also lost two of my dearest furbabies 4 years ago this month and next.

more animal stuff... I've posted about this in pets some. I have my Mom's cat, Callie. She was diagnosed with cancer in June. There's not much we can do for her. The tumor is growing back. Eventually it will be terminal. I'm grieving because I love the little critter. Plus she is my last link to Mom, which brings up all sorts of stuff related to Mom. Then there's my Lab, Al. I've posted about this in the pets forum too. Al is the man in my life. He has gotten to be an old man and is wearing out. There's nothing specific wrong with him, he's just old and dying. more grief stuff...

This might not seem a big deal to some, but I found out at my most recent eye exam that the reason my vision has gotten blurry is that I have cataracts. It'll probably be another 10 years before I need surgery, but it still knocked my pegs out from under me.

To top it all off I'm really struggling with my fibro and chronic fatigue. I'm having flare after flare. I'm exhausted all the time. I get frustrated because by the time I drag myself through a day of work I'm too exhausted to do anything when I get home at night. I worry what's going to happen when things pick up at work because this is our slow time of year. I worry I'm going to crash and burn when we get busy. I have ADA accommodations, but I don't know if the new boss is aware of them. I don't want to bring it up to him because I feel like I'm asking for special treatment if I do. I KNOW, I KNOW it's not special treatment. I'm talking about how I feel.

Laying it out like this for my pdoc helped see why I've gotten grumpy the last few months... whole lot of stressors going on. I talked to him about the negative thinking I've been having. I was worried because that can be a sign of depression for me, but I don't feel depressed. I feel short tempered and cranky, not down.

I always feel better when I have a game plan, maybe it's the sense of having control that it gives me. I don't know. At this point I'm trying to figure out what it will be. Obviously I need to do something to reduce my stress level. Everything else is stemming from my reaction to the stress. I'll let y'all know what I come up with once I've figured it out.

Oh Liz,

Post away, this should be the one place where you can talk about everything. No need to wear a mask here.

Watching and waiting and listening

Composing posts mentally that you never post--man, can I relate to that. As well as the let-down feeling when you've finally typed it all out and it seems like so few people hear you!

I'm new around here (though not to MI forums), so I just figured that given your number of posts surely you had reached out plenty for yourself as well as to others. I doubt there's a soul here that wouldn't want to return the favors you've paid in support. (OK, there are always a few drama queens out there, but it seems like they're the exception here.)

All I can offer is some resonance and empathy. It sounds like you've already zeroed in on some issues and your need to deescalate the stress wherever possible. And goodness, woman, you have enough for five or six posts here. My poor addled brain is swimming (even more than usual). Spread the need around.

liz...
I don't even know how you're holding it together, to be honest, yet alone being aggravated lately but still pulling yourself through work. I can't even work and that's without the grief and loss, the chronic pain and fatigue, and the ageing body stuff.
I don't blame you one bit for having a tough time with any or all of it. Especially not all at once, which it is right now. Life just really sucks the big one sometimes (or often, depending on your experience). It's not always easy to have a positive outlook and use more...I don't even know what the word is. Positive? hopeful?...thinking.
I don't really know what else to say. I'm in a low place too so I don't really feel like I'm in a position to encourage anybody without sounding really fake. It's not in my nature anyway. But I empathize for you and I want you to know that if you need anyone to vent to you can message me. I rarely check out a lot of these forums. But I always respond to messages.

Thanks everyone. Right now I don't feel like I can talk about everything. I feel like I spilled my guts here and got a whole four responses. I know that's not rational, but I'm still hurt and angry. Others post about stuff and get eleven zillion responses and I get four. Please don't take offense, those who did answer. I really appreciate that you took the time to read and respond.

I feel my crankiness building to something bigger. I feel like I have this giant bubble of anger deep down inside me that's getting ready to erupt like a volcano. Back in the day I had a wicked temper. I could and would blow up and go off on people. I thought that person was long gone. Now I'm wondering if she's just been sleeping. I don't want to blow up. I don't like being that person.

Thanks for readin. Thanks for responding. I'm still trying to figure out how to let off some pressure/stress without going "redneck crazy" on someone.

I've got theories on that post response dynamic. I'm sure you do too. It probably isn't something we could say. There are a few of us here that don't post much about our issues. Maybe people see us differently. Maybe we are different but still.
If you go off I don't think it would mean that person you don't want to be is back. You're under a whole lot of stress. If the way you've become used to dealing with stress isn't getting it done right now then it wouldn't be a big surprise if your mind went back to searching for old ways. And it's an unusual amount of stress.
Bad pain is a huge stressor. A new job situation is a huge stressor. What's going on with Callie... that's something terrible that you just can't fix. That would make for big stress and a whole lot of emotional upheaval. I can really relate to that one. My cat who is senile and whose health is declining. That cat belonged to my mom and he meant the world to her. When he goes it's going to stir up a lot of memories and emotions. Like you and Callie. We can see it coming but there's nothing that can be done about it except wait for it to happen. It's just looming like some big storm waiting to break over us.

(((lizardlady)))

I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through so much....I know it has to be so hard with anniverseries of losses (they make me so sad too) and work stressors and sick furbabies...it's all too, too much. Sometimes I don't post because I don't know what to say back, and other times it's because I am just too flat out depressed/exhausted...but I wanted to make sure I told you that I am here and I understand only being able to talk so much...sometimes things are so much bigger than ourselves when we lose loved ones, furry and not, and the loss of control is so frustrating and the losses also make us sad and angry....it's hard to process and I am still learning how. Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and your furry ones and wishing for you many safe hugs.

Please vent away. You do not have to be "strong" for anyone here, you deserve to be heard and helped as much as anyone else! You have a lot on your plate right now and I can understand why you feel so sad. I wish I could say something more productive but I don't really have any advice . I just hear you, and feel your pain a little bit, and hope for better days to come. Please come here and write as much as you need to.

Elvis?

Are you sure you're not referring to Jerry Lee Lewis's song "Whole Lotta' Shakin' Going On"?

Thanks for listening everyone. I'm not really looking for advice. It helps to know I'm heard. It also helps to be validated that there is a lot of stuff going on.

George, great insight about current destressors not working so it's not unusual to revert to what worked in the past. I flipped some guy off last night because he honked at me for stopping at a red light. I haven't done that sort of thing in years.


You're right. It was Jerry Lee.

I hear you Liz, have no words of wisdom but I hear you. I'm glad you aren't looking for advice because I'm out of words, besides what works for one doesn't always work for another. I've got a hug with you in the middle of it if you want it.

How has today been treating you?

I've been on vacation this week, but went in to work today. The new boss scheduled an all day staff meeting. I thought it would be a good political move to go to the meeting. I'm not sure how to take it, but he thank me twice for coming to the meeting. Tomorrow is another vacation day.

I did ask him after the meeting if anyone had talked to him about me and ADA accommodations. He said they did. So, that's one worry off my plate.

I also figured out I need to limit my time on-line and at PC. I realized that I keep looking for something here to magically take away my stress. Then when it doesn't happen I get frustrated.

Sounds like a good day all in all. I could have written that except I'd have left out the stress part. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Connection and communication with peers?

It was a good day. On top of all the above I stopped at a craft store on the way home and picked up some gemstones for my jewelry making.

As for what I'm looking for... I'm looking for something to fill me up inside. That's futile. No one and nothing can fill us up from outside.

The volcano is getting closer to erupting......

Sounds full. Time to empty? I don't mean to joke, really.
I know things are very intense for you these days. I feel volcanic often myself, so I relate.

Quoting Bob Seger...

And you feel the eyes upon you
as you're shakin' off the cold
You pretend it doesn't bother you
but you just want to explode

Vent... write about it, talk about it, build something, tear it up, take a long walk

George, I am terrified to let go. I'm terrified of the idea of losing control.

Aren't we all That reminds me of when I had level 11 anxiety and told a psychiatrist I was afraid of losing my mind and being out of control. He said let it go and see what happens... that those thoughts were only causing more anxiety.
Controlled venting is kind of being in control isn't it? I do get it though. The fear and worry is real enough.

I feel for you, really, I do. I have problems with anniversaries too. And furbabies...they're treated like children here. I don't have any response that may make you feel better, but I do want you to know you're not alone. Stress is terrible and so hard on us both physically and mentally. Of course you're exhausted. Please know that I send you positive thoughts and prayers that you may find just a little relief to the burden you're carrying. Please be good to yourself.

Once a long time ago when I was hospitalized for DID treatment one of the therapists said she had gone though some really hard times, to get rid of her frustrations and anxiety she took a bunch of old breakables outside and threw them at a brick wall. Then later swept it all up and threw it away, she claimed it made her feel better. I've heard things like that help some people. I'm not one of them though. That same program wanted me to hit various stuff, that's not for me. I prefer art as an expression of release. Clay is so great!

I've felt that volcano building up before and my normal stuff wasn't working so I did set up to throw breakables and it did feel amazing. Didn't solve my problems but I felt better.

Once upon a time I had a pile of really hard clumps of dirt outside the barn. It was a great release to hurl them at the side of the barn and scream my head off. No clumps of dirt anymore, but maybe I can come up with a similar idea. Thanks sidestepper.

I said I'm terrified of just letting go. That totally out of control feeling is terrifying on so many levels. Maybe I can find a way to drain (vent) the steam a bit at a time....

I just got done sweeping and moping the entire house while playing Miranda Lambert's Crazy Ex-girlfriend CD at a volume to make your eardrums bleed. I'm too tired to be stressed now.

Oh yeah, loud music and cleaning, that's a guaranteed sleep inducer! Nice.