[desirae]

I'm terrified to talk about this for many reasons. One is shame, the other is the feeling that I caused this and it is my fault. I'm so hurt right now and I have no where to go for serious advice. I can't tell anybody because of fear. I'm actually taking my avatar off just so my face can't be seen.

Okay....this is very hard.

I went to a party last night with my friend. She's a girlfriend of a bass player in a band. Ive been going to see this band for awhile now, I really enjoy their shows. It was a private laid back party with friends and family, and the boys played.

Well the original plan was to stay there at my friends aunts house (where the party took place) because everybody was drinking. Her mother and her got into a fight so we all left leaving for her one bedroom apartment. It was 8 people that went. My friends cousin (a girl) and I decided to share the air mattress on the ground and make the boys share the floor and couch.

Early that morning the cousin got up and began using the phone and taking a shower. I was sleeping, but I was awoke by one of the guys getting on the air mattress. Right then and there I should have said....um no, get off. But I was drunk and half dead to the world and I feel back to sleep. I was later awoken again with the guys hands all over me (over my clothes). I was so shocked I did nothing for about 30 seconds, then he stuck his hand down on my crotch and I moved his hand and got up immediately.

I feel so violated, although it was over my clothes. I feel gross and as though I asked for this and betrayed my husband. I'm so sad from this I've been thinking of this all day. I had to spend three hours with the guy this morning and all I wanted the entire time was to go home go home go home. I couldn't tell anybody and I felt absolutely horrible and awkward.

I want to tell my husband badly but I am scared of his reaction. First off I fear he will blame me and figure I was cheating on him, second I fear he will try to find the guy and possibly hurt him severely or kill him.

I'm so alone...I've never needed help as badly as I do now.

My questions are is this considered sexual harassment if it was over my clothes? Should I tell my friend? Should I tell my husband? Should I be selfish and wreck a bunch of friendships?

[desirae]

I'm sorry, I probably should have put a trigger.

[desirae]

I'm regretting putting this here already..

[JustAPixie]

It is definately sexual harassmabt IMO. I know that you are in shock and don't know what to do. You can be in shock for very long and I would not act while in this state... Just wait a day, in the meantime plan what you want to do and think of the outcomes (positive outcomes as well) I don't really know what more to say, but I can understand that you must feel awful. Maybe you can talk to your friend or someone you trust before you talk to your husband? To get a better opinion about things...

[Peanuts]

I'm so sorry this happened to you - you must feel really betrayed as you probably really enjoyed the band. Now it is all different. I would tell someone about what happened - otherwise it will cause you greater distress by keeping a secret. You probably won't enjoy the concerts as much if at all as one of the band players has turned out to be a creep of the highest magnatude.

I don't think you asked for this or allowed for it to happen AT ALL. Please don't think that you had this coming or anything like that. The person who molested you is the person who did wrong - and don't kid yourself, that creep knows full well that what he did was WRONG. That person is a coward.

I don't know what your relationship is with your husband, but perhaps you can confide in him. He might just surprise you and provide you with loving understanding. To keep this secret from him might impact your relationship with him. I don't know as I don't know how things are between you and your husband - only you know best. I just know that I would tell my husband - because this is one secret that I would not want between us. Maybe that creep needs to be confronted by an outraged husband - the little creep would probably wet his pants. Little creep finds it easier to molest others who are not aware (sleeping - drinking doesn't give anyone permission to molest you) than to deal with an equal. If he was a person of integrity, he would not have done what he did.

I'm guessing that you will probably not want to attend any band concerts anymore - and who would blame you - however, your friends will wonder why. If they are true friends, they will support you. You might not be the only one this creep has done this to - another friend might be next.

I am so sorry this happend - you did not deserve this at all. I think the creepy band player owes you an apology and should be outed as the creep he is.

I hope you feel better soon - and can talk to someone about what happened to you. Please don't keep it a secret inside you as it will fester. This is not a secret to keep - you did not deserve this.

[SeptemberMorn]

You didn't ask for it and you weren't unfaithful to your husband! That guy tried to take advantage of you and the fact that you weren't completely in all your faculties!

My suggestion would be to hold off telling anyone in 3D until you calm down some. I'd think twice about telling your husband if you think he will react agressively. You don't need more trouble!

I'd think long and hard about how "the group" will react if you say anything to them. Just let the guy know that it will NEVER happen again because you won't allow it and you will do whatever it takes to stop him. Threaten him with factual legal action if you have to, but inform yourself about what you can do and make it stick!

Don't beat yourself up about it, Des. You stopped him! Under your clothes or over your clothes, he touched you inappropriately!

[biiv]

im so genuinely sorry this happened to you! the first thing to do is to calm yourself down. go talk to someone IRL if you can. a friend you trust or your T. be very very gentle with yourself and try to listen to the rational part of your brain that is telling you this is NOT YOUR FAULT, you DID NOT invite it and YOU HAVE NO NEED TO BE ASHAMED. this is not even about you. its about that creep who has no sense of decency and respect. you were caught unawares and triggered so its perfectly understandable it took you time to react and in fact well done for acting when you did to stop him.
it is most definately considered sexual harassment but pixie is right. making a decision as to what to do about the guy is not the priority right now and not necessarily a good idea at all until you start to feel better yourself. i dont know your husband so i cant say whether you should tell him or not but i do know that is in no way considered cheating or being disloyal to him AT ALL.
i wish so much these sort of things didnt happen to people. im so so sorry. my thoughts are with you. please do talk to someone IRL and dont try to deal with this all by yourself ok?
take good care of you,
biiv

[SeptemberMorn]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
this is not even about you. its about that creep who has no sense of decency and respect.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Ditto!!!

[desirae]

This was not a member of the band, but a side guy who is always with the band. Everytime I've seen the band I have seen him there as well. You're right about no onger going to see the shows that I love so much. I will never beable to face any of them again, it's not what they've done...but what their friend has done that is making me stay away.

Everytime my husband speaks to me I get weepy and have to hide so he does not see me cry. I don't no if I will be able to keep it from him much longer. I'm just so scared of what will come of this, and I feel that whatever happens after I expose the truth will all be my fault.

[Peanuts]

Please try and get with someone you can tell - you are suffering. Do you have a therapst ?? Perhaps call a hotline - you were violated and the hotline folks may help you calm down so that you can determine what your next step is. Keep reminding yourself that you did not do anything wrong and you certainly did not betray your husband. The only person who did wrong is the creep. He is a creep not worthy of the dirt under your shoes ...

[SeptemberMorn]

Depends on what his role is with the band, then. If he's just a "cling-on" and you know that the band members have a sense of decency, maybe the leader needs to know.

It's easier said than done, and I don't know, really, what I would do if I was in your situation, but I don't see why you have to stay away from the band's performances as long as you're never alone with this guy. But that will come in time. Do what makes you feel safe.

[January]

Des,

I am so sorry this happened to you. It's NOT your fault. You have not broken your vows or done anything wrong. Believe me, Des, you are the innocent in this mess.

Don't go near that man again and if your friend asks why, tell her. If you feel like telling her now, tell her. You do not have to hide in shame when you did nothing wrong.

Safe hugs,

Jan

PS. I added a trigger icon to your post.

[bebop]

honey if you are going to tell your husband I would do it now rather than later. if you are I mean. if you waited then told him he might would think something did happen. I know you are hurting really bad right now and I know any of us would be too. I am so sorry this happened to you hon. you have grown so much since you came here. if you need to talk pm me hon.

personally, what i would do, is to shame him for what he did.

i would tell your friend, i would tell the band. it would be hard telling your husband, but i would tell him. otherwise if he found out another way he would question why you didnt tell him, then he woukd question if there was more to it, and thats why you didnt tell him. tell him exactly what happened. you arent responsible for his reactions, and besides, im sure he wouldnt hurt or kill this bloke.

you werent unfaithful, as you did stop him and you did take his hand away, and get up. you stopped it going any further. so how does that make you unfaithful?! YOU did the right thing, HE did not.

he invaded your personal space, so of course you are bound to feel uncomfortable and violated. thats only natural to feel that way.

you shouldnt have to stop seeing this band that you love just because of this "nobody". if you made the band aware of what happened, it is up to them how they react to it. you are being honest and faithful, he obviously isnt.

these peopel shouldnt get away with it, ever. people have the right to know what they are up against with him.

but remember, it was an "out of the ordinary" situation, and he was drunk. im not saying this makes it all ok, but alcohol makes people do things they normally wouldnt do. people still need to know, though, including your husband.

of course, thats all in my opinion, and i am saying all that with the thought of "what would i do". its up to you, but to be honest and truthful from the start is always the best way.

simon

[bebop]

that is what I was trying to say! thanks simon!

[Boopers]

Oh Sweetie,
Please don't think this was your fault! It wasn't!! You did not ask for this. That guy had NO right to touch you in any way.
YES, this is sexual assault. Anytime anyone touches someone without that persons consent, it is sexual assault. It isn't sexual harrassment, as sexual harrassment is if a person says sexual comments to you. He went WAY beyond that. He touched you. That's sexual assault.
IMHO, I would tell your friend, I would also tell your husband. You need to tell your husband right away. The longer you go without telling him, he may think that you are trying to hide something. So, as hard as it will be, he needs to know. Explain to him that you did NOT encourage the guy whatsoever. I'm sure your husband will be really mad at the guy, but he doesn't have any reason to be mad at you. You did NOTHING wrong.
Please don't blame yourself or feel ashamed. It really was out of your control. Even though your friend couldn't have stopped what happened, they need to know about it too. Then, they can make the decision on whether letting this guy continue to hang around them or not. Hopefully, they will do the right thing, and tell the guy to get lost.
I am so glad that you felt comfortable enough to tell us about this. It shows that you are a strong person. You should put your picture back and stand up and be proud. You did NOTHING wrong!!
Hugs,
Linda

[Soidhonia]

Hello Desirae. I hope things are going better for you at this time. Are you seeing a therapist, if so I strongly feel that you need to see your therapist, since you seem to be traumatized by the event that took place. I dont feel that what happened is your fault, or that you need to feel this badly about something that was out of your control. I hope you contact your therapist to help you through this rough patch in your life. I am going to leave you the hotline number to call in case you need to talk to someone in person, who is confidential 1-800-273-TALK. I dont think you need to tell anyone (husband, friend) at this time, I feel that
you need to think about your mental health and keeping your mental health and yourself safe at this time. I hope the best for you and I hope you feel better soon. Take care Sincerely Soidhonia

[desirae]

Thanks all so much for your support. A lot has happened already since I posted this. One I told my husband, I felt I had to and that I has already waited to long. I ideally wanted him to hug me and tell me it wasn't my fault, but I expected he would want to find the guy and be mad at me for risking myself the way I did...being trusting. How he reacted was he was angry, asked me a bunch of question, and made me tell the story three or four times so he could understand. Things I didn't notice or realize now have come to view too. He was pissed off, but after hiding from me for a few hours and avoiding me he came to realize it was not my fault at all and that I did not ask for this to happen. But he did make me go to myspace and show him the picture of the guy that did it. We've met the guy together twice at two shows...the guy knew I was married and had met my husband. My husband plans on making him apologize, even if it means getting physical.

The things I realized after the third degree and telling the story over and over was, there was 3 different people in the same room we were in sleeping, so he had to have been very slow very sneaky. I also noticed that there is a possibility he went under my clothes because after I woke up my bottom button on my pants were undone. All scary.

I know if this was to get out to the band, or my friend, which it eventually will there will be problems. My husband explained a few things to me about my best friends boyfriend (bass player) that I did not know about. He's not as loyal and sweet as he portrays to me and of course my friend. He told me when my friend and I would leave the bar he would be on other girls the second we walked out...messed up. I now think of him differently. They we're all joking about the lead singer trying to screw an ex members wife that forced them to move out of state...they were joking about it. I fear if these guys are who I think they are (I could be wrong) I will become another one of their sick jokes. That bothers me the most.

[desirae]

all your support means alot to me.

[mrb020377]

des, I am sorry this happened to you.. I am proud of you for telling your husband. I know it wasn't easy but you did the right thing. Again I am truely sorry... thinking about you!!! We are here for you!!!!

[Perna]

Stay with your "gross" feelings; it definately is bad behavior on the guy's part. I'm glad there were so many people there and he didn't have any real opportunity to force the issue.

I would tell my husband, the way you told us, he should be comforting/helpful getting the ugly/dirty feelings away? I would remind myself that nothing actually happened, especially on my own part and that I did reject him (and get up). I'd remind myself I was sleeping so not all "there" either so couldn't really have had much hand in it being my "fault." It's not a "fault" either way; the guy was rude/out of line and you rejected his advances. I keep things "literal" when I'm feeling bad and it helps me put it in a less threatening light.

Hope you feel better soon.

[Boopers]

Oh Des,
I am so proud of you for telling your husband. It sounds like he is thinking this all through very carefully. I am glad he didn't go straight for the guy as it would be your husband who would end up in trouble and the guy would probably get a good laugh out of it.
Stay strong and keep talking to your husband about it. It sounds like some of the band members aren't what you thought they were and that can be very hurtful.
I wish you and your husband all the luck in getting this over with.
Please keep us posted as we care about you and want to know you are OK.
Hugs,
Linda

[desirae]

Thanks so much for the support, I needed this greatly. I feel much better now, and I fully realize that this is not what I asked for in any way. I looked back on the situation a million times and I've tried to review my behavior and there was not even a time I indicated I was wantin some sex or something. I guess some perverts don't need that signal.

I am doing much better now. I thought I would never talk to my friend again but she called and it was as usual, but I haven't told her. I will later, she's going through some of her own stuff at this moment.

I'm satisfied with where I am now because yesterday was awful, I'm sure the memory will leave my time completely with time.

Thanks all so much.

[desirae]

I finally told my friend today and she said that he has done this before to another girl who was actually there that night. She said she would have warned me if she knew he was on the air mattress with me. I feel a lot better now that I got that out. His friends actually call him "creep" because he's known for being a perv. It would have been convenient if somebody mention this to me that night before we all passed out. Of course they probably assumed since I was a married mother that I was excluded from his perversions, but apparently not.

It's all good now, I actually made a pervert joke today and laughed about it. My b friend kept apologize as if she herself grabbed me, but I told her that she did not ask for this in anyway and nobody did. This phone call has set me free it feels, and I really don't care who knows anymore.

good for you des, see how liberating it is to be open and honest. you did the right thing at the time, and have continued to do the right thing now.

well done, im proud of you.

simon