[wisewoman]

I have known for years that my daughters were molested when they were 5 by a 12 year old girl. It has caused issues with one of them. I knew that my son was horribly bullied and assaulted at a public school he spent a brief time at and recognized panic attacks in him when this happened. He was hospitalized for suicidal ideation right after this happened. He was 13. He told me tonight that he was molested by foster children and other stuff he didn't wish to speak of. I told him that I was so sorry this had happened to him and that all I ever wanted to do was protect him. He said he knew that and I was not to feel badly for what happened to him. Yeah-right. I told him that if he ever wanted to give me more information about what had happened I won't freak and would like to hear it. I am reacting with sadness and pain. I failed miserably at this parenting stuff. Couldn't even protect my babies. He is 20. So many signs back then, where was I? Thinking I was overreacting because of my own history. It makes me ill. My beautiful baby boy. I hope he talks to me more about it. Not sure I should ask. My heart is broken and I think I want to stay in bed forever. This just stinks. He is now diagnosed with chronic ptsd and bipolar. Oh boy. What made me think I could have safe and healthy kids? I swear to god my life is a freakin fiction on t.v. and I will learn I am just a t.v. character. My youngest has been in the middle of an ocd/ anxiety flareup for weeks but today she sees the doc and doc says she's doing better lets not change anything. I just want to start over. Can't I turn back time and raise my babies again? I want to scream. When will this painful nosense end/ One loss after another after tragedy. It has to end somewhere. I didn't protect my children.

[ktp]

Oh (((((Wisewoman)))))

I agree with everything Ozzie said. It's all true. Oh, I wish I knew what to say to you, but I really don't know what to say. Your family has been through so much. I do want you to know you have my unwavering support and I want to give you extra special big *hugs*

Take Care of yourself,
Kimberly.

[SweetCrusader]

(((((((ww))))))) I wish I knew your spiritual beliefs right now because I have something I would like to say. If you are comfortable with hearing it, let me know and I will pm you.

Aside from that, I just want to say that it isn't possible to protect your children from EVERYTHING and no matter how vigilant a parent is, it is inevitable that some bad things are going to happen sometimes. I think it is obvious that your children love you, and that you love them. And in spite of the struggles of life, the love between a mother and a child can go a LONG way toward healing the hurts. Even if you were directly responsible for the things that happened to them (which you are NOT), having your loving nurturance would still help to heal them.

Don't beat yourself up. It's obvious how much you care about them and you did your very best. They seem to know that, too.

((((Hugs)))) if you want them
Angela

[Ozze]

It's sad to say that there was absolutely nothing you could do to protect your children. It's really no one's fault except for the people who abuse them. Kids are so innocent and ignorant to the possibility that someone out there has the intention of hurting them. Perhaps it was made worse because they didn't tell you. Whatever it was, you had no control over their abuse. I don't know what else to say, some people are just ****s.
Cheers,
Peter

[h0kie]

You did the best you could, ww. Your kids know that. As far as protecting your son from being bullied. I don't think you could.

Bullying in schools is a huge problem. Teachers and administrators can't be everywhere at all times. Plus, if we (or parents) get involved it is likely to make the bullying worse. You can't be with the kid 24/7 and some kids will simply wait you out.

((((WW)))) You did everything you could. You're helping them get through things now...sounds like a good parent to me.

[wisewoman]

Kimberly, it stinks, plain and simple. Thanks for your kindness, I am in bed at 9:00 a.m. supposed to be at work and will get up and go. Feel so sad for that sweet son of mine. So many things make sense. thank you for your love and give the little guy extra squishes for me.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((( ww ))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry for what you are and have been going thru. those hugs are full of care and understanding.

I was abused for a long period of time as a child...in many ways. I then had to deal with the fact that my daughter was abused. It was so hard. I had to be there for my daughter while pushing back the amazing triggers I was experiencing.

ww, I've had to realize that we can't protect our children from all. I was a mother that the other mothers would look at and say, "Kim, let her go a little bit." I was extremely vigilant and over protective. However, she was still abused. When this happened, I was right downstairs with my best girlfriend playing a board game in the middle of the afternoon. We continually checked on the kids...and yet it happened. I couldn't see that there was nothing differently at the time that I could've done. I felt sooooo guilty!!!!!

Now, after years of therapy and time passing, I look back with alot of emotions (of course), but I also look back knowing that there was no way to predict that and that it did not happen because I wasn't being a good mother.

I don't understand why it happened. I don't understand why our children get hurt. I think we like to see the good in people and the perpetrators (even children) know that, use it and because of their careful planning and perverse needs, are able to find that opportune moment, no matter how vigilant we are.

((((((((((((((((((wisewoman)))))))))))))))))))) I hope so much for you and yours right now.

Be safe,

Kimmydawn

[wisewoman]

Sweet, you are young, I appreciate that. I have tried to be a good mom, I am not perfect, I have chronic ptsd as well. I know I always loved and wanted to protect them. This son is an amazing man and I want to help him be healthy and strong. Does having a mother and grandparents and an Aunt and Uncle you can go to any time help? My religious beliefs, hmm, very ecclectic, I believe in a great spirit and that we are put here to try to be loving witheachother and all that is on the earth, I believe not in the devil but in a human's ability to become evil in their deeds. I believe nothing is fair, there is no explanation, otherwise I would have to believe I were very bad to have the live I have. When my daughter died I yelled to the great spirit and said [censored] with me if you have a problem with me, not my babies. I guess that's how I could feel now if I let myself. I am trying to accept that [censored] just happens.

[silver_queen]

ww, i don't know much about your situation, but I agree with what the others say in that you are a good parent and that your children think so too. You may think you have failed them, but remember that you can't be with them 24/7 or they are suffocated and can't develop properly. To me, it sounds like your children too accept that you did the best you could: what happened seems to be beyond your control, so you couldn't have prevented it.

Hope this helps.

[wisewoman]

hey Ozze, you are 18 and you know exactly what I speak of. Did you tell right away? If not, why not? I know you love your mum but you hesitated to share some important stuff with her, why? Thanks for your support Ozze, really would like to hear the answers to the questions. It hurts that my children have been hurt and have to carry that.

[wisewoman]

Thanks 1 day, you know I think the school bullying thing is a complicated issue and in our case it was horrendous and we had administrators who just wanted to cover their own butts, forget protecting the kid. Aside from that my kid was molested. It stinks and I am just trying to make sense of it all, Not that there is any. Thanks for your kind words. I would give my soul to protect my children.

[SweetCrusader]

Wisewoman,

Ok I think I will tell you the spiritual-related aspect of what I was thinking. I didn't see in your explanation whether or not you see the Great Spirit as a father or a mother, but I'm going to speak of the Great Spirit as a parent to all of us. The Great Spirit is the source of all goodness and light. The Great Spirit is the ultimate parent- the best parent.

Your children are also the children of the Great Spirit. S/he loves your children as much as you do. S/he is equally responsible and equally active in their lives, even when they do not know it. S/he is also all powerful, and able to see what happens to your children every minute of every day.

If the child of the Great Spirit can be hurt, so much more so can the child of a mortal who is not able to be there every second of every day. The Great Spirit is responsible, in part for raising all children up and supporting them. But the Great Spirit is not to blame for the evils that happen and the bad things we do to eachother. WE are to blame for the bad things that we do. And the Great Spirit allows us to make choices so that we can all grow and learn. The person who made a terrible choice and hurt your babies is FULLY responsible for hurting them- and you are NOT. You are a mortal with limitations and you simply do not have the powers to make the world "perfect" even for your own self. How could you make it perfect for an autonomous being such as your children?

Grieve with the Great Spirit for the sorrows and pains of your children. Grieve with your children when they tell you how it hurts, and let them know you understand their pain and validate it. Grieve a mother's grief, knowing that is selfless love- the love of a mother who would do ANYTHING to make things okay for your children.

Now that I have preached to you! lol! Here is a bit less preachy perspective that goes along with all that.

I had some bad things happen to me that I didn't tell my mom about either. Circumstances (involving CPS in one instance) made it so I couldn't keep my secret any more. I love my mother with all my heart and we have always been close. The reasons I chose not to tell her were my OWN ISSUES, and had nothing to do with her. Inside of me, I believed that I was making too big a deal out of the things that had happened to me. Because of that, I did not want to tell people about it- including my mom. I also had shame about what happened and felt that in at least one of the cases I was partially to blame. It wasn't that I felt SHE would say so, it was just that I felt that I was to blame and thus had no reason or right to complain about it. In one other instance, I had been told by other authorities in my life to cover it up, and I was scared enough to obey. That's all. None of it had anything to do with what I thought her response would be.

She has helped me. Her love has been healing when she recognized the impact that these things had on me. When she didn't minimize it or tell me I was being too sensitive. When she heard me say that it hurts or that it scared me, and accepted that as valid, it healed my heart. When she let me cry, it healed my heart. It depends on your individual child what they need from you, and you have to let them have it on their own terms if you are going to help. Don't pressure them, but DO welcome everything they say with the utmost love and sorrow for their pain and expressions that what happened to them was wrong and terribly hurtful.

If they ask not to talk about it, try to accept that this is their own issue to grapple with and that even though they are your babies, they are still their own people. If they do not want to talk, it probably isn't because of something you have done wrong. It is probably because of their own pain and their own journey of healing- talking may not be what they intuitively feel they should do. Or it might be that they just are not ready to go that deep. Try to respect them and understand that they have within them great strength and their own soul voice that tells them what they need. They will reach for what they need.

If you feel like they are not reaching for what they need, you can ask what they need or make specific suggestions and see if that sounds like something they are needing from you. If they say no, then accept that as their own separate thing and NOT as a reflection of you. If they say yes, pour your love on them.

I hope this helps. I feel for you. I know how my own mother has hurt over the things that have happened in the lives of me and my siblings. I wish she didn't hurt.

Angela

[Wants2Fly]

Hello WW -- I haven't responded, bec. I don't know what to say. A close friend discovered that her dghtr was abused by her now ex-hub, the girl's father. It has been very, very rough for both them. They both had intensive therapy for a while. I'm not sure if they still go -- I think so.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((WiseWoman))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[wisewoman]

thanks wants to and angela, I am slowly coming to a peace but it is a shakey piece. Want my son to know it is not his fault, I love him, that I would have done anything to protect him, that I feel like I wasn't there for him, that I am sorry these horrible things happened. That I will take care of my own feelings of sadness and pain and he can tell me anything. My sweet precious gift. My baby boy.

[snowflake_48888]

Hugs WW first. I am going to get my two-cents in on this. Like you, I have gone through this with my daughter. She told me when she was 14 yrs old at a time of great stress in our relationship.

My daughter was having behavior problems with most anyone that was an authority figure, especially men. I left my first husband (father to oldest 2 children) when they were 7 and 3. I did everything I could to stop his visitation because of his alcoholism and not his behaviour to our daughter. I had no idea at that time that he would EVER do this to our daughter.

When she was 14, we did a lot of fighting over everything. I never understood her anger, until one night during a huge arguement between us. I told her she could go live with her father because she did not respect me anymore and I was not going to tolerate that. That's when I hit the cement wall! She told me that she was molested by him and would never go there. My heart sank so low...I was in pain for weeks. She has never told me what happened completely, she doesn't want me to hurt more. I took her to counseling, tried to get her all the help I could, but she would not cooperate.

Now she is 28, and finally ready to deal with the pain, even though she hurts. All this happened when she was 7 yrs old. She did tell me that she would hide her brother so nothing would happen to him.

Why should a child of 7yrs old have to be put through something like that? She was robbed of her childhood and a lot of her life so far. It has scarred her severely, but she is taking the steps for dealing with it finally.

My daughter was recently dx with bi-polar manic depressive, PTSD, depression and social anxiety. I wonder how much of these was caused by her pain?

I relate to you WW, with your pain and sorry. I don't go there as much as I used to, but it does creep up.

Oh, and by the way, her biological father was never confronted with what he did. He went out of state to run from the law (no child support EVER) and lived homeless in Georgia. He died this last Christmas from being beat up. It gave the kids some very emotional turmoil.

But I can say that I did the best I could at the time. And WW, I am quite sure you have done the best you could, at the time. Please don't beat yourself up over this.

((((((((((((((((((((((Wisewoman)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[wisewoman]

oh snow, I am so sorry for you and your daughter's pain. I am glad you shared. I feel like I should have known and been there. I too wonder how much of this bipolar has to do with the trauma? Kids should not have to hurt like that and all I wanted was to protect them. I spoke with my son last night and told him all of the things that he needed to hear about it wasn't his fault etc. He is protecting me as well. He is a dear young man. I am whirrling from all of the events in my life right now. I know you understand. Thank you so much for knowing the place I am visiting and letting me see that there is a way to a window.

[snowflake_48888]

I just wish there was more I could do for you WW. Thank you for your kind words WW. You are truly a wonderful person.

When my daughter first told me, she was angry with me for not protecting her. I told her that I would have if I had known, but I didn't. The only thing that I knew was that he was an alcoholic that I had to stop letting the children go with, unbeknown I also stopped the molesting, which I am grateful for, but the damage was done.

Now that she is older, she realizes that I could not have known without her saying so, but she couldn't because she was threatened by him.

Our children will get through this horrific part of their lives, and we will too WW.

((((((((((((((((((((((((wisewoman)))))))))))))))))))) I feel your pain in my heart here in Michigan.................

[wisewoman]

hi Snow, I am in hopes that now my son is back with a pdoc, and a responsible adult, that he will learn the skills he needs to get through all of this in a healthy way. Hind sight is 20/20 and I wish I knew then what I know know about parenting and listening to my instincts. Wish I had a time machine to re-do. I would do so much differently. life is not practice unfortunately. Maybe I will get to make a difference in helping to be a grandparent when my time comes. Peace and warmth as I heard it's nippy over there. Thanks for sharing your heart.

WW.. When i thought about your story.. I thought of how all kids love their parents and want their parents to care. I thought about how many parent would push their kids away, refuse to talk about the abuse, and never offer help to protect their own conscousness. BUT THATS NOT YOU. You showed love. No matter what the past is. I know you touched your son's heart by how you acted in the present. I think they are blessed by that love that you show them.

esthersvirtue

[wisewoman]

thank you, I hope my love helps

[Rapunzel]

((((((((wisewoman)))))))))

You are a good mother. You care about your children and do what you can to help them, and you don't minimize their trauma. Not many parents are like you. I was bullied, and my mother knew about it. I was also molested, and someone tried to tell my mother about it, but I'm not sure she understood (due to a language barrier). I never could talk to her. When I asked, she was always too busy, or she would bring a sibling along too (I usually asked for a private audience when she was driving me somwhere, but she couldn't ever seem to grant that request). When I did indicate in some way that I needed help, she denied it. She insisted that I didn't know what I was talking about, or was wrong. Now I understand that she was acting to protect herself, even if she might have believed she was protecting me. Still, I can't talk to her about any of my real issues, and she has no idea how it has affected me.

You aren't like that. You listen to your children, and you encourage them to get help. You don't deny it to them or tell them that it's all in their heads or that they are wrong. You support them and you are available to them.

You couldn't control the things that happened to your children. This world is not a perfect place, and bad things happen to good people. A parent's job is not to try to make the world perfect, but to prepare your children to deal with life's obstacles the best they can, and to give them the help and the love that you can offer. You do all of those things. You are a good mother.

Love,
Rapunzel

[wisewoman]

oh Rap, I read what you say and I feel like crying. You are very kind. I am also sad that you were not allowed to tell. It was also the times I believe, no one spoke of any of this when I was a child. I want to believe you. I feel good when I read this and I want to believe you but in the back of ny mind I think well, she doesn't really know me. Was I too busy dealing with the youngest's ocd or was I too busy dealing with my own ptsd to see whatever was happening with him. This goes way back our kind words and caring.he used to have such separation anxiety issues with me. Ha Ha , I quess both ways. I will allow myself to absorb what you have given me and feel it and be available to my sweet babies now as that is the best thing I know how to do. Thank you for

[wisewoman]

I mentioned one of my daughter's reacted worse to the molestation she endured then the other. She is the youngest by 3 months and has OCD. There have been times in her life where it has been so terrible. Now is one of those times. She saw her regular wonderful doc thurs and was feeling okay in that moment so no med change. She is not okay, she is in so much pain I can barely stand it. She is anxious beyond words and worried over the top on everything there is to worry about. Just lay in her bed with her and told her a story about the baby bunnies. She is hurting and I can't make it stop. I can't protect her from pain. She is so beautiful and too intelligent. thinks too much. Love her and my heart is breaking. Want to make it better for my kids. Son called, he has my van and is telling me that the transmission is acting strangely. That's what I wanted to hear? I tried to sound reassuring, told him to check the fluid and if it continued acting odd to get the fluid flushed and new filter. agghhhhhhhhhh. Parenting is difficult in the best of circumstances. It is so hard for me. I want them to be okay. I want to know that they are safe and happy. Just venting. Snow you know the deal I am afraid. We hope they learn the skills to live well and be happier in their lives then we have been in ours. Painful to watch your children suffer. I say this and feel guilty because I know that there is a certain 17 year old kiddo who has been in hospitals fighting to live for over 3 months. That mom is really watching her baby suffer. How can I compare the pain? Should not complain. I want my kids to be safe and happy.

[wisewoman]

I've decided that my body won't make anymore babies so i will adopt and move to the land in rural Canada, New Brunswick and raise healthy protected kids whose parents do not let them out of sight. I will stay at home with them and give hubby a chance to be the main bread winner. I will teach them and if they go to school I will go as well. I will allow them to only be with people I know and love in well supervized situations. Now, adoption fees? Anyone want to kick in? Need to have babies and do it right this time.