[Overcastbutclearing]

I have suffered from BPD since the early 90's. I have been hospitalized over 20 times. I have actually lost count.
It was a constant occurence for several years.
Then I had this really nice stretch of either stuffing everything back inside or actually feeling a little better and I lived like a somewhat normal person. No meds, therapy here and there but usually quit after a few sessions. I managed to cope with journaling and SI. But I felt like I was handling things very well.
Since October 2004 things started to spiral downward again for me. I began to have daily suicidal idealation. (sp)
I couldn't stop thinking about it. I just got into this funk, this darkness that creeped up from nowhere.
I think I am a freak, a monster, a loser. I feel like I don't deserve love. And I think that is why people abandon me...because they get burdened and tired of me.
I don't feel good in my head.
I just started therapy 1 month ago. And this is w/ a therapist I had 7 years ago who knows me well and my history. But, I feel like I am already letting her down and I am disappointing her. I want her to be proud of me and there is so much conflict inside of me that I think I am just bothering her with my mini crisis from time to time.
Does anyone here understand any of this???
Please help me. Help me get out of this hole I seem to have fallen into....PLEASE HELP ME!

[Eva1nder]

Hi sj ... I'm sorry you're feeling like you've fallen into a hole, which I'm probably thinking this is a hole you've fallen into a few times before.

I am BPD as well. I'm not well at this time. I can understand the feelings your describing. I also have problems with my identity that can often consume me.

In relationships I can become codependant. I try to see this ahead of time and prevent it, but that doesn't really work.

I si along with suicidal ideation. I feel like my life is a waste etc. Many of the same things you've listed.

If I don't stop long enough for a while to not think about it all. I can manage, but evenutally when I do well then it all catches up.

Just a big mess really. I probably won't even make sense sometimes.

I feel like a huge burden to my family & loved one's. It's hard to put that to words even.

Anyways, i know what you're going through. I'm not sure I know exactly the right things to say or do, but I just wanted to say at least that yeah I do know how you feel...and please you're not a monster, a freak or a loser. And of all the ppl I've ever met .. what is "normal" ..everyone ..and I do mean everyone has issues.

Please take good care.

If you need anything pm me anytime
Eva

[Overcastbutclearing]

Now I am starting to feel like odd man out.
I mean, out of all the people on this site, only one person has been diagnosed with BPD???
I guess Eva and I are on our own huh.

[90mphINneutral]

I can somewhat relate to you even though I have't officially been diagnosed with BPD. I have been told that I do show borderline coping skills and that I would need to be evaluated further. All I can say is that I have/am still feeling the same things you have listed. I don't have many friends because I've seemed to push them all away even though I don't realize it. I just wanted to let you know I feel the same things you're feeling.

[Overcastbutclearing]

((((Fury))) for trying to help out and do some research.
I am so lost, you know. And I am just trying to connect with some people who can maybe help me through this little bad spot.
((((90mphinneutral))))) Love your user name! I hope you will PM me anytime you want, ask me any questions etc.
Life can be hard because we need the people we push away.
It is like we push them away before they want to leave us.
CRazy huh!
Thanks all!

[jbug]

I am BPD also and not to high functioning of one at the moment. I go through patches where everything is somewhat normal and then all of a sudden I start to act out, get suicidal its like my body doesn't think I should be happy. Right now I'm in my acting out phase. I wanted you to know that you're not the only one and that there are others out here.

Janniebug

[Overcastbutclearing]

Hey there Jannie Bug,
I can totally understand what you are saying.
PM me anytime.
I am kind of in that same phase now too. And I could kick myself when I do something that I know I shouldn't.
But of course, that doesn't stop me from still doing it again.
Are you in therapy? Is there anything you have learned that you could pass along?
Keep in touch please!

[Hope4me2]

Hi I just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone, I too suffer from BPD and I was diagnosed 3 years ago but have suffered for years. But I have a great T and have been working with him for 3 years now. I have come to trust him slowly after a long testing period.
But I SI and suffer with daily suicide idealtion and sometimes it can be overwhelming.
I deal with severe black and white thinking and people are either in the good room or bad room as my T puts it and he is trying to help me create a mistake room but that is HARD work.
I have NO gray area of my life...it is a hard life to lead but before being diagnosed I thought I was CRAZY but at least now I know what it is and that in a weird way has given me alittle bit of peace. But I still have my good days and BAD days. Dont get me wrong.
Toda y is a day full of anxiety ............I HATE anxiety....ugh...sometimes I do not want to live like this ....well take care and know your not alone

[dasiy6]

I too have been diagnosed with BPD. I am plagued with black and white thinking, caring and trying too hard to please everyone, and the big one...emotional regulation. Despite BPD plus major depression w/ psychotic features I continue to work full-time and unfortunately continue to struggle full-time and half .

[Zenobia]

Hello,
I am borderline as well. Officially diagnosed in 2000 but I mark the turning point from super sensitive child to Borderline at about 8th grade when I was sexually abused by an older "friend". Funny how I can tell that turning point. Sigh. I was hospitalized in 2000 and started my journey of "healing". G*d I hate that term. "Healing". Hack up a fur ball. I just wanted to be Normal. I have done well. I behave and cope more "normally" now then the Norms out there. I am extremely high functioning. I am telling you this because I was like you. I lived with suicide ideation for at least ten years. I needed it because when I thought about suicide I was not trapped in my situation because I knew there was a way out. I have been told that this type of thinking is not a good thing. I felt like a freak. I felt like a black hole. You know that empty space in the middle of the chest that can never be filled? It hurts doesn't it? I screamed, slammed doors and broke things on a regular basis. I self injured in a miriad of ways often with the shards of the things I broke. Yep, that was me.

Now, as I said earlier I am more Normal then the norms in everyday life. I haven't self injured since the beginning of the year. I talk my way through my anxiety. Mostly telling myself it is normal to feel anxious. Ha ha. There is a lot I would say about this but I have a post I want to write about my "borderline Moment" that involves most of what I would say here so I will save it. So long story short I am doing very well. I credit this to a heck of a lot of hard work. I have been going to therapy since I was hospitalized. I was with one therapist for almost 4 years but I out grew him. He took me a long ways in stablizing my ego and admitting that there was a grey area. I look to him as my father figure which is wierd because he is only a year older then me ha ha. But I was able to put him into that position. He slowly helped me work through my childlike behaviors. I have hated him. I have believed that he was in it with my husband to make me insane. I have thought he was the worst person on the face of the earth bent on my distruction. But I made the commitment to get well, to learn how to be "OK". Fortunately I read the book "Lost in the mirror" along with many others and knew that all the horrible feelings I had about my therapist were "normal" for borderlines so I held on to that knowlege and stuck with him. He set bounderies in our relationship and showed me compassion. He only once snapped at me. I was whining about how tired I was doing this "healing" work. He simply said "You can say your tired all you want but you still have to do it." So I did it.

Eventually I out grew him. I became a "teenager" and was time to seperate from my parental figure and move to a mentor. I found my current therapist through my work. She is a transpersonal therapist who is able to work using spiritual terms. She has all the education of a conventional therapist plus a couple more years in transpersonal theory. With her I am free to talk about spiritual symbolism and my relationship with God and all sorts of other things that I couldn't talk to my other therapist about. She is trained to help people through their spiritual emergencies as they experiment with their spirituality. But she hasn't let me go there yet because my ego still needs to become fully form for me to do that kind of work. But through her I have been able to make leeps and bounds in healing becuase I was able to in a healthy fashion seperate from my father and move to my mentor. Just like we are supposed to do in real life. Geez this is long. I am sorry. All I really wanted to say was I am borderline and there is hope.
Sincerely,
Zen

[Overcastbutclearing]

Zen
Thank you so much for sharing. It is encouraging to know that there may be phases but that someone with BPD is striving to be complete.
I hope I can be in your position one day. I am working on it....trust me!

[somebodyelse]

You can count me as one with a dx of BPD. I'm sorry that you've fallen into a hole----I can definitely relate to that. I hope that things will get better soon for you.

[loocoti]

Hi...I am new here so I hope you don't mind that I am just jumping in here. Your post is very similar to my situation.

I was diagnosed with BPD years back when I was in the hospital. However...I, like many other people have been diagnosed with many different disorders.

My moods tend to swing up and down. It will feel like I am doing ok for a while and than next thing you know I am falling so far down into that black hole again. I go on stretches as well.

I see my therapist off and on and it seems to me that I tell her how well I'm doing and than the next thing you know I'm so far down again and I feel like she may think I'm lying about when I WAS doing well. I have gone for 6 months without seeing her but lately I have been seeing her more again.

Your situation all around actually sound very much like mine. It's really hard when those bad times hit. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to get through it again.

Take care.

[Overcastbutclearing]

Wanted to let you all know that I have seen my T 2x in the past 4 days, spoke with her 6 x in the past 4 days and will be seeing her again tonight.
When we met last Thursday we went over BPD. And in the end she said it doesn't matter if I do show characteristics of BPD or I am BPD her main concern is treating me and wanting me to feel better and deal with some of my issues.
I had given her all these articles I printed from the web that were saying mean things about BPD. She read them over and told me that those articles are written by people who don't know anything about it. And she asked me to please stop searching the web for this stuff because it was only confusing me.
Anyway....thanks to you all who are giving us with BPD characterics some love and support.
I know we all need it and appreciate it!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((pc users))))))))))))))))))))))))

[nothemama8]

BPD is only a label you Susan are a person, you are the important one, ignore the label love the person, I do
Angie

[Overcastbutclearing]

My T has now been out of town for 2 days. I know she is allowed to take time off...but somehow that doesn't help my feelings of abandonment and rejection.
I think she is probably sitting around the bar talking about her lunatic client.
I don't know...making it right now does not seem like an option.

[jbug]

I see my therapist once a week for 30 minutes. On the days I remember my journal and my homework from Angry Heart we have an hour but if not 30 minutes is all I get. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have to work in Angry Heart but for now I have a break from it. I'd recommend reading the book Lost in the Mirror. My therapist is letting me borrow his copy of it and I love it. I can so relate with the person in the book its like hey I'm not alone with my wierdness there is someone out there that is like me.

Janniebug

[Silverband]

Sj0401 My name is Kendra and I also have BPD! I am also taking part on the BPDRecovery site! I was diagnosed with BPD in early December of 04 but have been showing signs of it for years! I understand what you are going through and if you would ever like to chat please don't hesitate to pm me!
It will get better! Just take it one step at a time! You have support here and maybe you could check out BPDRecovery! They are very supportive there as well!

~ Kendra ~

[Overcastbutclearing]

Thanks for the posts Janniebug and Silverbrand!

Question for Janniebug: What is the AngryHeart> Is it a workbook of some sorts? I read Lost in the Mirror and that is a great book.

Kendra...thanks for your input. I will look into BDPRecovery. I will try anything to stop feeling how I do.

Today I took a break from life and have basically been in bed all day. I think I needed the break.
I just want to feel alive and fresh like most people, ya know!

[nothemama8]

(((((Hugs))))))) and Kisses Susu
Angie

[Silverband]

sj0401, NP ANYTIME! I'm on there all the time (BPDRecovery) and I use the same username! Pm me here or there anytime!
The Angry Heart is a book about BPD! I haven't read it yet but it's next on my list!
Good for you for taking the day "off"! Everyone needs it once and awhile!

~ Kendra ~

[goofygirl]

Don't know what I'll finally be diagnosed with... either BPD or bipolar. Its scary. I wish they'd hurry up already! I don't know where I belong anymore!

Lisa

[Overcastbutclearing]

Hang in there goofygirl.
What I have just recently learned is that it doesn't matter what the dx is...it matters that someone treats you...the person with the issues.
You belong anywhere you go....no discrimanation here...we are all on journies of finding support, hope and guidance.
We could have the same feelings but have different dx because of our background, brain chemical make up and age...or a million other differences but still feeling like doodoo.
You just worry about getting help for yourself and feeling better....