Not Coping With Borderline

((( :heart_spin )))

It can be very hard to talk especially when panicky.

Try just telling him how you are feeling at that moment: "I'd like to talk but I can't. The anxiety has taken over and I'm feeling angry" ....

That's good therapy!

Last week during a silence (which are good and I like that she does that, gives me time to think or just sit, look at her a little here and there...) .. anyway we had this silence and I said "I feel uncomfortable when you look at me" lol. It was a good thing to say, was honest, helped break some tension for me.

Time before that I told her that I'm a whiner. She asked what is it that makes me feel that way? (she asked so kindly and genlty!). And I said, well.... cuz people tell me I am! And we both laughed.

It is hard, but just say a bit and you will slowly get used to it. You can even say, as I also have done: "I don't know what to say" !

Not talking is a way of protecting yourself. They understand, really they do. But it is needed since they haven't yet been able to teach a T to read minds...

I know you can do it!

"Not talking is a way of protecting yourself"

i agree. it`s hard to open up and be vulnerable especially in a group and especially in a if yo uhave a low self asteem .

i agree with what you are saying, echoes.

Things just seem to be getting worse for me I mean on Tuesday it statred off by me going into a shop to get some stuff then this bloke jumped infront so I tut he looked at me and I said yeah thats right I said tut can you not see the line he was getting eye drops so I said well that explains a lot then said prike, I left and walked to group therapy once again he tried to get m eto talk I feel that he talks and ask more questios to me becuase he must find it a joke seeing the pain I go through.

Anyway so I was feeling bad like I did the week before after group I had one on one therapy that didnt go that well I dont think they take me for real I feel that what I say is just a joke to them, anyway I got home I was so mad because I have asked to be put into hospital because I know I'm heading towards doing something stupid so I'm trying to get help before that happenes. I got so mad that I tore up all my handouts and homework from group, I sent her a email saying how I feel and all that she sent me one back but not much help.

Anyway just things are going worse for me I'm ready to just give up.

i am pretty sure NO ONE realy htinks your suffering is a joke! you think so because of your luck of self asteem and confidence and not exapting your feelings.

WHY should any1 make a joke of how you feel?
if he doesn, he problem is HIS problem becasue he is a bad, evil, disgusting person!
i know this bad direction of thoughts becasue i used to think that way.

i wonder if you think you deserve help, deserve a better life.
becasue self work is all that it takes.

I'm not that good at explaining things but I will try, when I was a child I was always a wild child always getting into trouble doing all sorts of bad things even the friends I chosse are the bad type. Well before I got to 16 I was seeing over 30 doctors and not one could help, well my mum was reading this book and she was reading about ADHD she said she saw herself ticking all the boxes so she sent me for so many test. She sent me to this privert doctor who said that I had ADHD but we didnt go back because my parents couldnt really pay for privert, so yet again I hate to go for more test all over all they said was something about that I had it but I have grown out of most of it so they just left me never gave me treatment of any sorts.

Any ever since then my mum is always phoning someone talking about me just trying to take control even more at 28 my mum still controls me still says things like your a nothing without me your just the ill child, you wont amount to nothing I've kinda got use to it she has said that ever since I can remember. See people think my mum is a bright lovely women a really good mum but people dont see what she does to me they belive her I mean when she locks me in the house I call the police to get me out she says to them that I am i'll that I have ADHD so that the police just think its my condition, its like no one listens to me to what I say like they just think I'm this mental person.

So now at 28 I got told I had Borderline as well as ADHD and serve depression I'm also a self harmer a pill poper and a drug user, my mum dont have a clue that I have Borderline she dont know I have treatment she dont know i take drugs or self harm or pill pop she has no clue because it would be another thing for her to control to take over. So I feel that I have to hide so much that it just build up I also belive that because I have been left untreated for so long that there is no hope for me, my theripist thinks that where I have held so much in for so long that Group Therapy is opening a can of emotions.

I have told them I think I should be in hospital but they dont even give me a answer, I mean I told them that I'm at risk that I'm mentaly tired yet they say nothing I jsut dont know what to do thats why I think they dont take me for real that I must be a joke.

Keep trying. There are parents like your mom who can't seem to let their kids grow up and be adults. If not one excuse, they would find another. ADHD is not a reason that you can't be an adult and do the things that you want to do. Everything you're saying rings a bell for me, because I grew up with one of those mothers too. I wrote this poem about it a while ago:
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Mother Spider

A thing of beauty,
Hard-working,
So carefully she spins her web.
It must be just right.
Carefully designed,
It serves its function well.
At the same time dazzling,
A mastepiece,
A work of art,
Marvelous to behold.

She spends her entire life creating,
always at work
building the web.
Self-sacrificing,
She has no time for herself,
But she doesn't mind.
It's all worth it.
A labor of love.

So admired,
Who else possesses her dedication?
No one can help her.
She must do it all herself.
Others' efforts simply would never be good enough.
There can be no substitute.
She is needed.

Day by day, hour by hour,
she works, she watches.
She can never go far from her home.
She must maintain her web,
Guard her charges.
In her absence it could all fall apart.
Or maybe not, then what?
That would be even worse.
Then who would need her?

Her charges, yes.
Helpless are they.
She provides for them,
Takes good care of them.
They will need her forever.
She sees to that.

Her venom is poison,
But not lethal.
It only paralyzes.
She must be needed,
Forever.

Why should they ever want to leave the nest?
Here, they are safe,
Secure.
She is more than willing to provide for them.
Children, they must remain.

But should they desire to go,
she will try talking them out of it.
If they will not heed her warnings
of the dangers of the outside world,
She can still stop them.

The web, in its intricate beauty, is very sticky.
It is designed cunningly.
Its strands far-reaching.
They may only think that they have escaped.

Trying to fend for themselves,
Unprotected in the treacherous world,
Still ensnared,
They remain
Precious ornaments
To Mother Spider's beautiful creation,
Her much admired web.

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You can get out though. It will take hard work and persistance, and probably some help from people like your T and your support group. If you aren't ready to talk in group therapy yet, maybe you could take in something that you could read, like a poem, that shows how you feel. There are others out there in the same boat, but people don't know we are out there because we aren't allowed to talk about it. We need to start talking anyway.

Keep trying. You can make it.

Rap

Awwww thanks for that it means a lot, your poem was amazing really good work.

Wow Rap, that was really poignant. Thanks so much for sharing it.

I'm glad you both liked it or got something out of it. I need to write a book about parents like that. It's an idea that won't go away until I do. But first I have to know how to get out of the web. I left home something like 18 years ago, but I'm still not free. And I don't know how to rescue my two sisters who are still at home. And my brother is dead.

Well I think Rapunzel you should write a book your very good with words and I think people will know that there not on there own that ther are others that go through the same, I hope you can get your 2 sisters out your a good person who is trying your best.

LOL yeah I like to know how to leave the world wide web my whole life is this lol.

It can be upsetting when you first learn you have BPD-- but remember, that is a label-- BPD is a personality disorder (obviously) which means that you have used these ways of coping for a very, very long time. They are part of your character. So nothing has really changed. When I 1st started getting panic attacks and was diagnosed w/ panic disorder, I was like, "Oh sh**" because something new was going on... but when I was diagnosed with BPD, I didn't care so much because all I knew was that it was a name for the coping mechansims that I had been using for as long as I can remember.

I accept what I have I dont have a problem with it and in a way I'm happy to know what is wrong with me, its taken me 28 years just to be told what was wrong. But what I cant cope with is all the emotions it just gets to much.