Not Coping With Borderline

<font color="blue">Hi everyone this is my first post so kinda going be crap, anyway I am really not coping that well my anger and paranoide has gotton so much worse. I'm feeling more and more suicidale every day my cuttin is getting worse I would say my whole life has gotton worse, I feel like the whole world hates me I feel that I'm not good enough for no one.

i just started treatment fro the Borderline the one on one is okay even thou I find it very hard to talk but its okay, but the group therapy is something I'm not coping with at all. I find it very hard to talk infront of people even the one to one sessions I find hard but the group is the worst, I think they are all okay well sort of but the teacher can see how much I hate to talk so he startsto ask question even thou he can see how anxious I am and how hard it is I feel that they are all judging me I feel the most stupid one there. Anyway the teacher asks me more and more question I just cant cope with it all I want to do is smake the guy in the face I can feel myslef geting angrey then all I think about is I want to cut to get the anger out.

Anway I will stop going on becuase this is just pathetic I'm such a blob and worthless useless person going. </font>

Hey,
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I also have Borderline. I have be4en diagnosed for several years now and I just want to say it gets better. When I first was diagnosed I felt just like you do every single day. I h ated my life and myself. I was destructive and just very unhappy. I was bouncing in and out of the hospital evry four months for a while. Now I still have bad times and I was just hospitilized for 10 days but I feel soo much better than I did then. Living wth Borderline is not easy but it can and will get better. Once you learn how to live with it and cope with it. Hang in there
Oh Ps How you are feeling about talking in group therapy is perfectly normal. If you want to talk or anything you can either PM me or email me Ok? Hang in there

(((((Grr bpd n adhd)))))
sorry to hear you are feeling so bad.
I know exactly how you are feeling right now, but at least you are getting help and you have found PC- this is a wonderful place to find support
Take care, and just take each day as it comes...
irish

Hi!!! Grrr BPD n ADHD!!! Know what? YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!! That's Right!!! It sounds like you're having a real hard time, I'm so sorry. The suicidal feelings &amp; the cutting are the most difficult emotions/actions I think I've ever experienced. And with the cutting of course the consequences. Here at Psych Cent. you're in a good spot! We understand (I've been battling for a while) but it gets manageable &amp; everyone here wants to help you! This therapy group you are in sounds upsetting , BUT you are doing it!! That's Great!! Good For You!!! That's Takes Courage!! WOW That's an AWESOME Person to me!!
I really care how you are doing so please keep me up to date! If you want to PM me that would be great!

Just like to start of with saying thanks for your replies.

I know its great that I'm in therapy and that but I've been trying for 28 years to get help and to say what was wrong with me, all they keep saying was it was down to the drugs which i knew it wont I knew it never helped things but I also knew that it wont down to the feelings I have.

At the moment I still leave at home yes I know at 28 I should have my own place damn at 28 I should be able to do many things but I cant because I'm so pathetic, I just feel that if I stay at home then things will never change becuase see my mum is over controling she wants to know every part of my business she thinks of me as the ill child she locks me in the house so that I cant go out. She tells me to leave everyday she tells me she wishes I was dead that I am a no one with out her wich in a way its true because i cant do nothing for myslef, all I want to do is just end it because I just cant see things getting any better for me.

Today my mum once again told me to leave I'm very much considering taking a OD i've already cut myself to bits, I know an OD wont solve things but I feel for me it will solve a hell of a lot I have more pros then cons to killing myself.

Anyway I will stop becuase this is just stupid sorry.

Good to hear from You Grr!! You're absolutely right!! you "will not be solving things by ODing" But you know what's really sorry you thinking ODing will "solve a hell of a lot". You're not even giving yourself a fair chance (ie) your pro/con list. You are all 1 sided! If you want to convince us you're a shmuck ok but we deserve to hear your Pro side of your list on what you want in your life, why you do deserve to live, etc... Fair enough?

mlpHolmes yes its fair enough see the pros I find so hard I dont think I deserve things (ie) treatment, sometimes I sit by my window late at night when its peaceful and just think about things like what do I want out of life what I want to do with my life. And every time its the same things I think of, that I will never amount to anything that I'm not good enough for no one.

At the moment all I can think about is negitive things I dont think I deserve to live I dont think I deserve anything, I think that I'm a lost cause.

So as far as my pros list I dont have nothing on that list the cons list I can think of loads, Anyway maybe I shouldnt write this I dont think I deserve anyones support I'm just not at a good place at the moment well feels like my whole life.

Sorry just one more thing how can I tell my therapist how bad things are I mean I'm quit suicidale I'm really out to hurt myself I just dont have the words to tell someone, I mean to tell you the truth I think a stay in hospital would be better for me at the moment but how can I get myself into one I have no clue what I am doing or saying I'm just plain stupid.

I'm so sorry you're hurting Grr. If you tell your T you do not feel safe being by yourself &amp; speak from your heart, you need a stay in the hospital at this time. S/he will make arrangements. Asking for what you want &amp; need Grrr is a real positive step!! Good Luck &amp; keep in touch!!! We care about you!!! I'll be thinking about you. ps. Please
don't keep calling yourself stupid - you are not. Thks. xoxoxoxoxoxo

Hello Grrr (please let us know if it is ok to call you that for short, or if you prefer something else). You remind me of myself and of my sister and brother. We have a controlling mom too. I'm the oldest, and I left home a long time ago, but I'm still acting out being in the same trap. I have a sister who is 33 and still at home, and I wish that I could help her escape because she has so much potential and I don't think she knows it, and she could take care of herslf just fine, but I don't think she knows that either. My brother killed himself last month at age 29. I wish that he could have seen other options for himself, but he really didn't believe that he could do anything with his life. He never got the chance to try.

I am glad that you are giving therapy a try. Please tell your therapist how you really feel about all that you posted here. You do deserve better, just like me and my brother and sister. I hope that you will tell us more about yourself and what you like to do and what you are interested in. Maybe we can help you discover what else you could do with your life. Do you do anything else, besides going to therapy and group therapy? What do you do with all of your time when you are home? How about when you go out? If you had no limitations and could do anything that you wanted, what would you do?

As for how to tell your therapist, you could print out your posts, or write a note, or just come right out and say it. A couple of the things you wrote that I would pay attention to really fast if I were your therapist are that you feel suicidal and feel that there are more reasons to do it than to be alive; and also that your mother locks you in the house; and that you are hopeless about the future. And I would ask questions like I asked you above because I would like to find out what kind of things you would rather be doing with your life, and help you to take steps towards those things.

Please do keep us updated and let us know how it is turning out.

Hope and best wishes for you,
Rap

Thankyou for your replies and sorry for your brothers death and yes Grrr is fine, when I'm not at group or therapy I sit at home 24/7 I lock myself away in my room and spend all my time on the laptop.

I have no clue what I want out of life I dont think I ever have maybe because I dont think I'm good at anything I dont know, I have tried living on my own 3 times but everytime I end up back home because see my mum is so controling in the way that she has never tought or showed me how to do everyday things I'm 28 and I dont even able to wash my own clothes because my mum just treats me like a 15 year old that is unable to do anything.

I have group and therapy tomorrow I did write her a email so I will see what she says about it, I know i'm a danger to myself because I dont know how to put this but I have a thing about collecting pills the pysch gives me mood pills but I dont take them I just save them I know that I never just take one pill I always take more then what I'm meant to. I mean I even make appointments at my doctors and make up things just to get pills at the moment I have over 300 pills. I just feel that if it is not one thing that is something eles, I feel like my whole life is one addiction I'm even addicted to skunk (weed) I cant go one day with out it I smoke it from the moment I wake up to the moment I go bed I spend £100 a week on it, I have tried to get off it but both times I have failed because I'm just a failure.

Okay, if you are posting here though, you must want something to change in your life. How would things be if you could magically recover and have supportive parents and do anything you wanted? What would you like to do?

hi grr..im sorry that you feel so terrible..i feel some of the things you do but not to the same extent..the world can be cruel thats why i stay inside alot. im glad youre getting therapy. im glad i met you i like chatting with you. youre probably one of the nicest most nonjudgemental ppl ive met and you make me laught so no od-ing please..

I have no clue what I want to do with my life when I was young I wanted to work with the abmulance but then I broke my hand and hate to have a operation, so now I cant do the leftting part of the job. So now I'm at that stage where I had my heart set on that now I just have no clue because I have no skills I'm just a stupid fool, I mean how can I work for the ambulance when I'm a no one when all I do is screw everything up.

you gotta somehow get thru that operation. i bet youd be really good working on the ambulance. me im obsessed with medical stuff myself . you are not a noone..you have a very cool personality i bet you could get the patients to forget all about their ailments while they are being transported. i feel exactly like you..like im not good at anything..well i told my therapist im only good at mothering..and we went and talked about things and she made me feel a little better about myself ..maybe if you discuss that with yours she can help you figure something that will bring a lil joy to your life..take care

I had the operation like 10 years ago lol just that my wrist is screwed from it so I cant take the weight of things, when you woke the ambulance there is only 2 of you so to carry someone you need 2 I wouldnt be any good.

Anyway I wont go on I think I have said way to much and I'm sure there are people that have real problems not pathetic ones like me sorry for taking up your time.

oh ok i understand now yea if they screwed up your arm you couldnt lift the ppl. sometimes i dont use my head. anyhow you still are a good person and you deserve to be happy and have whatever life you want to. i wish that for you someday..hugs my friend..

Hi Beautiful Blue Butterfly!! Would you tell me (us) some beautiful things @ yourself, you seem like a neat person!! I was just thinking about your arm & the ambulance job - butterflys do not start out as butterflys , but rather as beige -colored, caterpillars right?? And then they CHANGE into gorgeous blue butterflys!!. (I have a tough time with that word change but I'm working on it - always!) The two ambulance lifters need other ppl to do their jobs, perhaps you could consider a job closely related. Might you consider 1 little change to make an even better life for yourself?!! You deserve the Best!

Tell you something nice about me ermm there is nothing nice about me sorry I cant type at teh moment I'm feeling really anxious all over the place i'm shaky and feel like i'm going way to farst and need to breath sorry.

You sound so hopeless. I'd like to find a way to show you that things can change and can be better, but you are so afraid, I think, that you don't seem to be able to allow for the possibility that you have any potential. I can understand that, because I've been there too, and stayed there for way too long, but eventually I did start to change. If I can do it, I believe that you can too.

Hmm, what do you think could be the payoff for you in remaining stuck? I know that's a hard question, because if I try to answer it for myself I always say there is no payoff that is worth all that, but there must be something if we keep doing it and resist change so strongly.

I can tell you you do have strengths. You are persistant and strong-willed. You can choose how you use those strengths. I don't doubt that you have others to that either you aren't aware of right now or you don't want to admit (to us or to yourself).

grr theres loads nice about you..youre good person, you are an incredible artist, youre sweet, pretty, funny and you are extremely neat....i wish more ppl could see how cool u are..hugs

Sorry I have not been on a while this week I have just not been myself, I have feel like I'm in this dark whole and I just cant get out how ever much I try. I just feel so blah so suicidal I just dont feel I can get out of this one at all, tomorrow I have group therapy wich I'm not looking forward to at all I'm starting to feel really anxious of the thought of them trying to get me to talk.

See larst Tuesday I went to group there was 3 Therapist and 3 students okay I know thats not a lot but it is for someone like me who has a big fear in talking, anyway the guy that runs it always trys to get me to talk he knows how hard I find he knows that my anxity gets alot worse but yet he carries on. See I'm a thinker and a worrier I cant help it and I know I get myself worked up before hand like how I'm feeling now, all the thoughts goes through my head like my brain just wont turn of from thinking I worry that if they make me talk my speech problems will come out because i'm just paniky.

Anyway larst week he keep tryng to get me to talk but I refused I never said one word the anxiety took over I started to feel angrey, I wanted to run out the room I just wanted him to shut up and not have the focaus on me. I wanted to cry so for the rest of the lesson my head was down I just couldnt think of what people where saying I just was in the moment of him asking me to talk and all these feelings I have, so basicly from then on I've just been on this down hill slop I dont know why I feel like this why I cant I get my mood up why do I feel they should lock me up away from the world because thats how I feel.

Anyway I will stop talking I'm just not at the right place at the moment sorry.

i am sorry for you, having to cope with all that.
i hope that one day you will choose to start changin your way if thinking and as a resolt of this-your life.

HUGS

sugession-you know by the way that spending so much time infront of the pc is bad for your health?
i read you say that all day you are infront fo you leptop.
maybe try to lie down and relax..listen to chill our muslc or somehtig like that?

if you can`t think of somehting you are good in-can you think of something you LIKE?