What is my problem?

I'm getting older, started college awhile ago, and have a pretty much full time job. I've notice my relationships with people getting worse and worse and it seems like since about the first year of high school it has been continuing down to this point. I don't try to make friends anymore and when people ask me if i want to do something, or to come over because there going to have a party I feel extreme anxiety and fear. I was once a very friendly person but have become very quite and reclusive. I avoid talking too much with people because i'm afraid of what they will think of me. I'm afraid of how they see me, and i'm deep inside afraid of the person i may be as well. This is one of my problems i'm dealing with and i'm here because i'm wondering what may be causeing it.
The heart of my problem with avoiding people is because i have been frequently asked if i'm gay, or been acused of being. I wonder why people ask me that because i'm usually just doing normal things and what not, but yet this question will surprise me out of nowhere. I'm not like your typical t.v. gay personality type and i actually consider myself to be pretty boring and serious. Because of this fear that has developed since people have asked me if i'm gay I've wondered if i really am. And have thought alot about what i do that would make them think that. I do have more feminin characteristics than maybe most but that can be found and described in my Astrology description. But I still do wonder if i am gay and it scares me to the point where i'm pale and shacky. Because of my fear that people will think this i actually try to act differently then i would otherwise and try to be more serious and angy like. I don't know why I think doing this would make people think i'm not gay but for some reason this is what i do and it tends to backfire and more people think I am even more because i'm trying to cover something up and acting different. I have no problem with people who are gay or anything and have fellow co-workers who I consider friends, though haven't gone out with probably because i'm afraid, that are openly gay. Because of my fear that i think people will think i'm gay i don't have new friendships and have tried to loose the existing one's by becoming so reclusive. Though much to my dismay I still have a friend who keeps in touch while serving on his LDS mission, but my former girlfriend, now x and no longer trying thankyou, thinks that I am gay and that my friend is really more than just a friend. Oh coarse i've never told him about my fear and nothing of that sort has ever come across verbally or otherwise. I don't feel like I can have any friendships with anyone without her thinking I'm gay and i'm attracted to them or something. I'm confused but definately prefer freindships with girls because i don't usually have to worry about them wondering if i'm gay. I need help at this point, I don't know if i'm gay or not, but i don't ever imagine having sex with a guy or stuff like that so don't say " well are you sexually attracted to men?"
All i can say for sure is there is an uncomfortable tension when i'm around people, more so with guys either because they think i'm gay or i'm just a nerd or something. I haven't always been a nerd so I don't know people just want to stay away from me because i'm uncool now. Is the problem all in my head or am i gay? how do i know? thanks

Jay - You're "friends" can't tell by looking at you if you are gay. No one can do that. I know some amazingly macho looking gay men, and some slightly effeminate straight married men with kids. (One of them could out cook and out decorate Martha Stewart any day). Our sexuality just ain't that simple.

Dr. Kinsey believed that we could pick a number between 0 and 6 to describe our own sexual preference:

0 Completely or exclusively heterosexual
1 Predominantly heterosexual with occasional or incidental same sex experience
2 Predominantly heterosexual with more than occasional or incidental same sex experience
3 Equal sexual functioning at both the heterosexual and homosexual levels
4 Predominantly homosexual with more than occasional or incidental opposite sex experience
5 Predominantly homosexual with occasional or incidental opposite sex experience
6 Completely or exclusively homosexual

Perhaps you can think of sexuality less as something that is black or white, straight or gay, and more as a shades of gray thing?

I know that I'm not answering you question - but I simply can't. Only you can.

Now, I'll assume since your ex-girlfriend thought you are gay, perhaps that means she was ready to go further than you were sexually. Perhaps you simply are not comfortable with sex outside of marriage? Or simply not ready to have sex yet? Or perhaps you'd like to be in love with the girl you have sex with? This surely doesn't make you gay!

If you do have thoughts of being with other guys, but fear the negative sterotypes that go along with being gay....that makes perfect sense. In our society, it ain't easy being different. But it sounds like you already know some gay men, and they could offer you some friendship and support. Being gay isn't all about sex ya know. Having supportive friendships is the best part of coming out.

Relax, there is no hurry. Keep posting. However things turn out, you'll have friends here.

Emmy

Jay it sounds to me like you have an enormous amount of anxiety. It sounds like the fears that people will think you are gay have a kind of obsessive quality to them. Have you ever thought about talking to therapist about this?

I have no way of knowing if you are gay are not. I don't think anybody would be able to answer that but you and I think probably all the anxiety surrounding what other people think keeps you from really being able to deal with what YOU think and feel.

This is a very supportive site. You're welcome here.

I think that both Emily and Soledad have made good points. It might be hard to know your sexual preference at this point if you are simply waiting on sexual experience. I think that a lot of people in that position have many doubts and insecurities and just plain aren't sure what they will like or not like or be good at or not, etc. And I'm not just talking about sex either. Young adults are still learning who they are - establishing their identities and their places in society, social connections, and group affiliations. At this stage, we are very sensitive about anything related to these issues, so not only can we be hurt easily by other people's comments, some people will question others' identities and preferences, etc. in such a way that it feels threatening, either unknowingly or in an effort to be more secure about themselves (or both).

You are who you are, regardless of what anyone says or what stereotypes you may remind someone of. Don't let people classify you like that, ok?

I also agree with Soledad about that you seem obsessive about what people think of you, and you describe avoiding friendships and social situations due to your fears. Whenever something is interfering with your ability to live your life as you would like to, talking to a counselor about it might be helpful to you.

I hope this is helpful, and that you can feel comfortable coming back here as much as you like. We are an accepting and friendly community here, and there is always room for another friend.

thanks for respnonding everyone, i would have to agree that i'm obsessed with what people think of me. I have had sexual experiences with girls and my former girlfriend, all which were positive. I don't think my fear of being gay has anything to do with sex. I would agree that being gay is less about sex than anything else. I am positive that i'm not just gay, if what i'm afraid of is true than i would have to be bi at least. For now I think i'm stressed about it more because more and more people are becoming anti-gay in america and therefore accussing more people of being so. It's funny because i'll be having a great day and feeling really good about myself and then someone will come along and say something about something being gay or what not and it will just ruin my day from then on. I'll be working and at that moment i just want to quite so i can go be by myself and not feel like someone is trying to place me in a catagory or tying to figure out if i'm gay.
And there is nothing worse than having the person you love question that about you, and then go as far to believe that your best friend is love with you and you with him. I mean after something like that i don't even want to have friends that are guys. And much more I don't want keep having to prove to her that i'm not gay.

I had a friend who was always accused of being gay I listened to him through his struggel of what others thaught. Yes, he had many feminine charactoristics but for others to tell him he's something that he says he is not and they would not listen it just burns me up He is no longer here He could not stand it any longer. He took his life. It hurts my heart and makes me angry that ppl do that to others. He was the most caring person I have ever met and yet because of stereotyping in society he could not bear to live any longer Whoa!! guess the topic touched on a sore spot. Stereotyping sucks and hurts many!!!!
Larks

JayL, you may not be gay, but I am so glad to see a sensitive caring man that admits he has a soft sensitive caring side. Stay your sweet self and don't worry what others think
Angie

Jay--

You are who you are, and only you know that. That being said, it is easy to take on what other people say or think of you. Sometimes I start to wonder if I am really who everybody thinks I am because I internalize everything they say and the way they treat me.

Before we met my now husband was often mistaken as being gay (mostly being hit on by other men...his friends and family didn't mention it much.) He didn't let it bother him and continued to socialize with his gay friends.

For a while my mom was convinced that I was a lesbian and constantly made comments to show me how open and accepting she was. I didn't understand what she was getting at until she said to me one day, "Honey, it's okay that you're a lesbian! We still love you and accept you." I looked at her and said "Thank you for being accepting and loving....but I like guys!"

What kind of situation are you in now? I find it strange that acquaintences would be so interested in your sexuality. Most people I know (myself included) wouldn't directly ask about someone's sexuality...that seems kind of weird. Are you surrounded by people who are sex obsessed or just immature?

Good luck--be yourself and try not to worry so much what others think of you...easier said than done, I know. Have you talked to a therapist? That might be a good start, if you're interested in doing that.

-apislily

You said toward the end of your original post, "I haven't always been a nerd"... so at some point you must have been comfortable with your self. It sounds like you are worried not so much about your own sexuality, which is nobody elses business, but much more about how other people are seeing you, and your fears over sexuality are just one way that anxiety is manifesting. What you are describing sounds like anxiety, especially your explanation of the physical response to these thoughts, which seem obsessive. You haven't always been this way. Maybe it's time to talk to your doctor about this?
As for your sexuality - you are the only person who can decide that, or rather, come to terms with that, homosexual or hetero or bi. It is not unusual to question this through early adulthood. I assume you are at an age that many people have sexual identity issues, identity issues in general. I remember incidents in high school that I was "accused of" or asked in an uncomfortable situation whether I was homosexual, by people who were trying to make me uncomfortable. I denied my own sexuality for years, not because I didn't know, but because I knew I was an easy target in our unaccepting society, and they weren't worth the fight. I understand how frustrating it can be, when dealing with these thoughts, to hear people refer to things as "gay" when they mean stupid. It's like a personal insult, fom people who are simply ignorant both of the weight of their own actions and of your feelings. As you develope a stronger self image, things that ignorant people say will bother you less and less. Choose your battles, try to forgive them, they usually know not what they do.
A sort of motto around here is that if something is interfering with your ability to function comfortably, it's time to do something about it. You might find that with anxiety out of the way, the things you are stressing over right now work them selves out.
Good luck, keep posting.

Apisily - Wow! I wish every non-straight person I know had parents as supportive of alternative orientations as yours! I know it wasn't needed in your case, but it was awfully sweet anyhow, despite her confusion!

emmy

Your friend is LDS? Are you were the LDS Church is pretty strong? No wonder being or not being gay is such a big pressure for you!!!
None of us have all the answers, none of us really know who we are, and on top of that, we change as we grow!!!
I have a friend that in High school everybody thought he was gay and would ask him all the time. Eventually he turned into one (I think mostly through peer pressure) then, about 8 years latter he had it, and became straight. Now he is married with children and happy. Good heavens! Thank goodness nothing is written in stone and all uf us have the right to learn as we go....

I have heard of cases of obssesive-compulsive disorder in which the obsession was worry over whether one was gay, looked gay, etc. Mostly, it is a worry over how one is perceived by others.

I have actually had dreams that I was just minding my own business and found myself among a group of lesbians and then was worried my mother or others would think I was gay by association! Obsessing in my dreams!

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Well everyone, here i am again. Thanks for all your replies, i hope to keep chating and repling to others as well. It helps to talk about something and see what other people think and what not. I agree that i seem to have a lot of anxiety and have an obsession with others think about me. I've had it as long as i can remember, 3years or younger, which is so far back i didn't even understand the meaning of "what people think of me". I had a ruff start in life and it's easy to see where my fear of rejection and wanting to be accepted stems from. I may try to get in touch with a doc about these issues, but may also try to work them out on my own and with the help of others ( online and close to me ). It's always nice to talk to a doctor but it's very expensive, time consuming and usually involves a group of doctors who are documenting and keeping a permanent file on you. This makes me uncomfortable and wish it was just keep anynomous and not something that would follow you and possibly come back to haunt you later in life. On the other hand you can learn a lot and they can usually use there expertise to help in ways that others just can't because of the limitations they have with education. I once took a series of tests and was then met and discussed the results with a couple of doctors, they were able to tell me a lot about myself that i didn't even know and was shocked that they could know, without even meeting me thus far. Wow is all I can say, but anyway thanks and I hope to hear from you all soon. : )

Hey, so i just wanted to say that Yes i've grown up in slc, and it's a very LDS society. Everything is dominated by the church from government to business to friendships with people. I'm not LDS but i've found it to be an extremely oppressive culture and society and It's extremely frustrating to me when it comes to major issues, and the way they are viewed here. People that i'm friends with that are Lds would disagree or not even realize it, but they are almost forced to view and believe things a certain way. It's nuts. And you wouldn't believe the homo-phobic tension around, it's not like everyone is whispering about it and asking everybody if they are gay like would be in a paranoid witch hunt, but it's a topic that is discussed often, and often in church and meetings unrelated. Because i'm not a member to a particluar organized religion I have an outside view and will get a sense of things but at the same time refuse to believe they may actually be true untill a random time when i go to church with a friend, or have a serious talk about the religious beliefs and concerns they have about the current times. At that time i'm completely and utterly blow away, what i thought wasn't just crazy suspicion it's actaually reality and not hush hush reality, open and blantant reality. I know what i'm talking about may be confusing and you may have no idea what i'm talking about but i wish i could give an example to explain it better. I must say though that I witnessed my best friend of the last several years be, i dare say brainwashed, and went from being really open minded and wary of the strict culture of the church and even anti-establishment at some points, to being super LDS and a kind of a yes sir- how hi sir... kind of personality. Now he's on a mission and it's wierd to hear from him because he's Elder so and so now and talks differently and overall seems not who i'm familiar with. Anyway i'm planning on moving out of state and to the north west soon, so it may be a nice change from everything, and maybe a fresh start. But first....a lot of things to work out here at home......

JayL-
You poor thing. You are dealing with so many issues that it's probably been hard for you to figure out where the end of the string is. I think the first thing you need to do is explore why it would be so awful if you figured out that you are in fact gay. I am not saying that you are...but I imagine that most gay people have gone through exactly what you are going through now. So, play the "what if" game with your self. Don't be afraid. Think about what it would really like to be an out of the closet gay man. What about that scares you the most? Are you really that afraid of what others will think of you? To me, it sounds like you are judging yourslef way more than anyone else could ever judge you. You don't have judgements about openly gay people, so you shouldn't judge yourself for being...well, you. Whatever your sexual orientation might be.
I think you need to forgive yourself for just being YOU! Realize what a great person you are, how passionate you are in wanting to better yourself, how strong you are for reaching out and asking for help!
Is it possible that you are not gay at all, comletely straight as an arrow, but you are hiding behind this issue to protect yourself from something greater? We all tend to do that when we are feeling lost or afraid. We create (not consiously) issues that seem obvious to avoid what is really upsetting us. Focusing on the gay/straight thing may be a distraction for something else that you are to frightened to deal with...and that is okay...but realize that there is a bigger issue here. You shoudl love yourself no matter what. You should be proud to be whoever you really are no matter what others think of you...and (surprise, surprise) that is when others seem to come around and show you the respect you've always wanted. You deserve to be respected...do you believe that? I believe that! You are a great person and you will figure out what you want, because you are strong and willing, and deserve to feel good about yourself. It sounds like you need to figure out why you have become so angry at yourself and forgive yourself for it. By the way...I don't know what your definition of Nerd is, but my thought is that you are NOT a nerd, because most nerds don't know that they are nerds. They just like what they like. If you think you are a nerd and don't want to be, only you can change that. You can be anything you want to be! Be proud! I know you have reason to be! I am proud of you.