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((((((((((( white iris )))))))))))

(((white_iris)))

it's going to be hard but worth every shake and OSs...

jme, but I darted in and out of wanting to get better to WTH have I gotten myself into now?!
it got to the point that I was frozen...didn't want to go back to the way I felt, but sure as heck didn't like what seemed to be coming...but I had to keep going if I expected to feel better.
Most emotions were not allowed in my FOO unless you were drunk or menopausal...or both. Testosterone was almost always a free ticket.
I developed brass ones over time.

Still, admitting to anger, etc. was an itch with a capital B.

((w_i)) you have many of us standing with you...that sounds trite but you do have people who sincerely care about you.

Bunch of us are here so keep a running update whenever you want...

In Peace

i used to have hand me downs too - once i got a new coat and i was soo excited - but i ended up wiht a military style functional coat that was :right for school" i got ragged mercilessly about it - they said at school it was a boys coat and iwas ugly enough to be a boy lol

i stil dont wear what i want -- i am gettting better...... it takes practice ...

white iris keep trying - you are free to be you

((((everyone on this thread - wear what makes you happy ))))))))))

How good it is that we are recognizing how other things in our childhood, besides the trauma, linger with us...
It's things like this that help me see there were a myriad of ways for us to be controlled and belittled by the adults in our young lives. Jmo/jme, but sometimes these things will surprise me...not in a bad way, more like an Ah-Ha! moment so that's why I do this or that...does that make sense??

There were other admonishments that will give me pause at times.
Examples;
When you laugh before noon, you'll cry in the afternoon.
Don't be "too" happy because you'll bring bad luck and break the good time.

The "too happy" popped up last night.
The seafood buffet was outstanding...I mean really, really good. Had to force myself to eat dessert .
The dancing at our next stop was nostalgic and brought back good memories...we didn't break dance, etc. in the dark ages, but we sure had some movements of our own.
Open mike was breath taking...a sexy bald man played his guitar while softly singing his own lyrics/poetry. No one would follow him, in fact with some shyness he continued to our delight.
The three of us were walking back to my car, the streets were still shimmery from the rain, the gaslight lamp posts were wow-s, and the sculptures along the walk were funny and sweet and unusual...
When I thought of how relaxed and content I was, immediately the too-happy gremlin hit me. GIGO and FO escorted it from my mind, replaced it with gratitude.

For the h*ll of it, along with my jeans and t-shirt, I wore three strands of pearls......no pantihose, though.

Recognition of these things and shaking them off, easier to do most days.

When this happens to you, if it does, what is your reaction?
Anger that it's yet another thing to work through, relief for some understanding gleaned from it, sadness for the time wasted when in ignorance we blamed ourselves ...

All three? Them and more?

In Peace

OH Catherine--I am so glad for you that you were able to have a good time, not let the gremlin take over and wear pearls!!!!! so really cool!!!

i am really scared to open the closet door. there are things inside there are are just too difficult to face. i'm trying to lock the door but all the stuff inside there is cracking the door--putting things in front to block it.....

"Fun time"---means the other shoe will quickly fall on my head...i become very hypervigilent and watch H's reactions to anything and everything for some sign of disapproval (doesn't come) and read into every expression, word and action......
yesterday i saw a friend i haven't seen in awhile and she commented that i looked happy and content --then ruined it by saying that i've gained weight--but is still looked happy..........so now, i am a fat but happy slob.
she meant no harm--just making a comment (she's just recently lost 30 lbs and is looking good).
kicked in alot of "stuff"------
so today i will spend 5 minutes writing resentments toward mother--and i am having a hard time b'cuz it makes me feel like crap to say anything against her---
i want to write more
but i feel the upset stomach and wanting to cry coming on and i don't dare go there......

thanks for reading
i don't exist anyway so it's ok not to answer.

no its me who doesn't exist
amazing how similar our "stuff" is from the different varieties of Toxic Parents.

if yous guys dont exist.......uh oooooooo......I'm in real trouble.........
...................with luv...................as always

maybe that feeling of not existing is because the parentals repeatedly invalidated our perceptions, OUR truth
so then when a friend (or even someone who isn't a friend) does the same...
is it something like that?

Is there a way to reframe "not existing"?

(no need to reply, you exist, not sure about me though)

think i should delete this

I wrote this a while ago but I thought it fit in with the current discussion so I thought I'd share.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=82951

((((((Orange)))))) thank you for sharing that piece of yourself. you have worked thru so much and it has softened you heart to others who are in need and pain....thank you.

w_i, you have it within you to take back your power. Listen to that voice that is small but insistent that you are a worthwhile human being deserving of love and respect.

You can do it, we can help by listening to you and offering support and encouragement.

In Peace

Fuzzy, doubting yourself/your existence serves no purpose. It is hard not to do it, but it's something most of us do at one time or another...
Post it, share it

In Peace

ok guys you exist - i see you and i may be crazy but i dont see things yet.

parents do damage - they hurt instead of protect - they shame instead of build up selfesteem

but you guys exist - you exist because you were strong enough to survive - you were strong enough to end up stanidng ...ok we may sit, lay down or have a hissy fit on the floor now and then but we made it we're here and that is something to celebrate

dont listen to the past - stand up - be proud of who you are because you are all strong wonderful people who only deserve the best that life can offer

We want to share our story but...we have that same feeling...no value...no worth...you telling (on us) again!...it wasn't that bad! Lot's of kids had no shoes or no food or no...list goes on and on...

Wear ugly brown (boy) loafers, will be good for your feet,

Wesr brown very rough coat, she made it from her coat, we hate it and she feels hurt when she sees we hate it.

Have beautiful curls cut off short like a boy, at the barbershop, no less, easier to brush for her

Why she makin' me look like a boy?

there...i said.

Now back to my art, bye.

Hunny

everyone

Personally, I find it rude and mindless when "friends" make comments like "you've put on weight". Even one counsellor said that. I never saw her again... and the same with a "friend" who wasn't really a "friend"... do they really think they are telling me something I don't already know? or are being helpful?
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Thanks, w_i.

Sometimes I regret sharing because I'm afraid I come off as self-absorbed. Like, who really cares OB, about your stuff. Oh woe is me, no one cared about little Blossom. Boo hoo.

But other times when I'm not berating myself, I think perhaps I'm being a voice for those who can't find theirs.

But mostly, I relate BIG TIME to what Hunny said about how she feels her stuff -- "wasn't that bad" -- because that's exactly how I feel about mine. I almost feel ridiculous for even writing about it.

Our emotional baggage is never the same inside or out, but when you line it up side by side, baggage is baggage. A lot of it looks the same from a distance. So much so that you have to seek out your name tag, or the colorful piece of ribbon you used to mark it. Only then can you claim it as your own.

Figuratively speaking, the fact that airport luggage carousels go in circles, is not lost on me.

((P7))
Thank you for sharing...
My hope is that you are listening to your own words.
I noticed you going from "we to you"...please don't exclude yourself from
"be proud of who you are because you are all strong wonderful people who only deserve the best that life can offer "
Yeah, we should celebrate our courage and stamina...We

In Peace

"Our emotional baggage is never the same inside or out, but when you line it up side by side, baggage is baggage. A lot of it looks the same from a distance. So much so that you have to seek out your name tag, or the colorful piece of ribbon you used to mark it. Only then can you claim it as your own."

Yes

In Peace

thanks for the laugh and for the luv

In Peace, Brother

Thanks ((((((((Everyone)))))))) for the support and sharing....i'm glad you are all here to share with.

((((((Hunny)))))) sorry "she" cut your hair and seemed to make you look like a boy.... that hurts and confuses i'm sure.
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MAY TRIGGER*****RESENTMENTS******
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resentments
1) i resent that she left me as a baby to live in a new house with dad and get pregnant and have the sister and not really want me back at 2+ yrs old but took me anyway b'cuz grandfather demanded she do..... so maybe
2) i resent that she took me and really didn't want me or care
3) i resent that it was always about her--how i looked reflected on her, i was a "baby doll", a prop,
4) i resent i was her cinderella, slave and babysitter to 5 younger sibs. while "her daughter" ( the sister i have so much trouble with) didn't have to do anything
5) i resent that she competed with me, caused me to fail, gave up on me, stepped on my self esteem, and rose up above me

that's all for now. while i feel a twinge of anger, i feel more pain and sadness and i feel very small and very used....very very ashamed...
i don't like this homework assignment from T very much.......
back to a corner.
back to a safe hiding place so no one finds me

((((((((( constellation )))))))))))
you can hide in my cave for a while if you like

Fantastic Fuzzy!
I'll bring legal Coke and cheese straws...and a can of Hershey syrup.

white_iris, you are safe here.
You took a very big step in sharing your resentments with us.
Thank you so much...

My own experience was needing to grieve first. Oh, I was full of anger and resentment also, but once identified, grief was the biggest.
Shame was the second, and it turned out to be as hard to face as the grief. Trapped in those feelings were many, many questions that would never be answered...if I asked them they would only be echoes bouncing back at me.
Yeah, I was a mess.
I made a safe place in my closet for when I felt threatened and overwhelmed. This was all right for me to do--I desperately needed a place where I could weep, beat the walls in anger and frustration, then fall asleep from exhaustion.

You can do this, w_i.
No, it's not going to be easy. Trading miseries never is...but the one you are going through now will morph into a truce with the memories, loving yourself, and having more laughter in your heart...which translates into a good life for you.

Come out of the cave when you are ready, my friend.
We'll still be here.

In Peace