[beauflow]

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0398722/plotsummary
Awful Normal...

I just was wondering---Has many seen this or heard of this?
I was doing some searching to read on some things to help myself and this movie popped up.

I have Netflix so I searched and found it, skipped parts of it of course- I don't want to watch it all right now or if ever.

I put a trigger button due to I can see how it is triggering and if you know what it is- I don't want to trigger you- as well as what I would like to ask--

I have in the past- Wondered what good would it would do to ask my abuser questions...
I watched the part of where they go and talk to their abuser- what good does it do to hear it from them on what they did, weather they believed it was right, and if they have changed...
could be able to believe any of it?

In My case it was my oldest brother that I remember- And it comes down to that he was hurt by another family member(s) and just turned into what he did due to lack of parent supervision, and so on and so on- other factors and so on and he was one of the older kids given "supervision" over us younger ones.....-- This does not excuse what he did- It does not excuse any of it or there for after of what he has done, but it is like i have that answer- what good would it do to go talk to him?

With me-- I understand that there will also be my wonder and question on WHY - Why did he turn out this way, Why did he do this to us, Why...... Why could he not be a protector big brother, rather than a predator big brother. even Why was he abused- Ask the abuser's abuser what up and why-- which would just go back to more and more- nothing would really validate it- just people that were unable to break the cycle of what happened to them in essences.

Another thing is that with my oldest brother- he would deny it as he did with my sister when she came out and told my family of her abuse; and I bear witness to that as well as how my parents reacted, when it was brought up and my brother blamed another family member of it and so on. It was a mess and another great memory from my teenage years.


I just have to ask-- Does it really do good to confront your abuser in such a thing?

i think it would depend on the players...

in my case..nah probably no good..doubt the parents would say anything , the brother well he is them just younger & my sister is schizophrenic..as for "uncle mike"...he wasn't even an uncle...my real uncle is dead..

most of my abuse happened when i was a child..many years ago (too many for me to admit out loud)...so at this point i am making my peace with it & letting god take care of the others..altho i do chuckle when i go by a quiznos with their ads: "toasty, toasty, toasty (if yer getting my drift....)

it gave me some peace to find out a cousin was convicted of being a pedophile preist...so yeah...that was the thing i needed to know it wasn't something i had made up...it was real.

[Open Eyes]

((((((beauflow))))))

I don't know if the abusers even know why they abuse. If they have been abused themselves, it can be some kind of effort to recover their own sense of empowerment.
I think it depends on how old they were when they were abused and what their abuse entailed. You have to keep in mind that in the case of sexual abuse often the abuser very carefully grooms his/her victim and presents it as something that can be secretively pleasurable.

I have thought a lot about this and I have been around a lot of children and children really are not aware of the real nature of sex like adults. I have seen so many children wear their clothes precariously somewhat exposing themselves and they don't truely even think of themselves in the physical private sense like adults do. Some children like to run around naked and half dressed and they honestly don't stand in front of a mirror and look at themselves in a sexual nature, they just don't have that kind of sense about themselves.

And look at the way teenagers dress, they are attention seeking with their appearance and they try to fit in or often, depending on what kind of attention they receive, and how their home environment is, they are only just beginning to think about appearance and gaining attention. Lets face it, sexuality is often a big mistery, known as something that provides a secret of pleasure in someway. Children DO become aware that their parents interact in some very secretive way and remember, children play copy cat by nature, and try to imatate their parents in many ways. But they don't know what everything truely means on an adult level.

If children are not educated about what they do discover themselves about their own bodies, children will naturally want to know if other children can experience the same things. If you really observe children, they are always trying to see what they can do, are constantly wondering and exploring and they DO want to see what other children can do as well, it is human nature and we all do that all our lives.

The reality about human beings is we are, by design, just like all other living things, born to reproduce. Only human beings think about it more than other living things.
If you really think about it, much of what we commercialize as commodities have some kind of tone that appeals to basic human instincts, survive, thrive, and reproduce as well as if you have this, you have power and some kind of happiness.

What kind of messages do we really trickle down to the innocent mind of a child?
Do we really think they are just going to ignore all the romance and pleasures that are somewhat suggestive? Most children are introduced to the Disney movies, how many of those movies have a kind of romance in them?

I honestly don't think many parents even talk to their children about what sexuality really means or pay attention to the fact that most children DO discover something that can happen in their own bodies. So, by parents not addressing that and talking about what it means and that it is private etc., children are left to wonder and may even explore or even worse, be abused in someway. Children can very easily be led by some kind of unknown that they don't really understand.

It isn't until much later on in life that when the real purpose of what everything really means, that many adults can look back in anger/shame/confusion about things that may have taken place in their childhood that they truely didnt understand. Even if a child is invaded by an older child or an adult that tricks and controls them somehow.
The real error is the fact that most parents do not really talk to their children about their bodies and instruct them on how to be careful and what is normal etc.

It is important to make sure that you truely forgive yourself for being innocent. You have to truely understand that things that may have happened to you were not truely understood the way they are thought of now. Also know that abuse takes place because there is too much ignorance and children simply do not understand what it really means. Unfortunately so many children are left out of the loop of being educated and told that if they have certain things happen to them, they can really tell no matter what an abuser may say or do or threaten.

Open Eyes

Also know that abuse takes place because there is too much ignorance and children simply do not understand what it really means

what?

abuse is never the child's fault. ever...regardless of that the child knows, feels , thinks, understands, etc...

are you implying that by this statement that abuse is abuse of the child is because of ignorance on the child's fault? because that is how i read this...

really? rape is rape, violation is violation..i think that even as a child..i knew that such by an adult hurt & was somehow wrong..

implying that it is the child's responsibility to know & report abuse in this equation is just ludicrous & irresponsible. look at the power equation...no child holds any power there..it is all in the adults hand...so how exactly is a child supposed to assume the responsibility is stopping the abuse?

yes they can report it if they are old enough & brave enough to do so..but if i read this quote & your post correctly (& i might be wrong) you imply that it is the child's job to know the abuse is wrong in the first place.

no..it is the adult's job...not the child. the adult failed here..not the child.

[LylaJean]

I know that in my own case, I have really craved talking to my abuser. He was my best friend's ex fiance and when the assault happened and we reported it to the police, after he was released on bail, he skipped out of the country. I do want to ask him why. Why did he attack me, when his fiance was in the other room sleeping, completely willing sexually? What was he thinking? Why me? Is he still doing things to whoever, wherever he is?

Also, on another note, I really, truly, want to forgive him someday. I want to get to the point that I can say to him "I forgive what you did. I hope you are able to forgive yourself and make peace with God." But I have to be able to do that honestly, and I'm not there yet. I'll probably never get the chance.

I have often thought of contacting his parents. They tried to contact me through a letter a couple years ago, but I burned the letter in the sink before I read it. I have since Googled them and have been tempted to write them. I just don't know if it would do any good or only cause them harm. I have learned that they have since completely disowned the fact that they even have a son.

And I don't believe it's EVER the child's fault. My husband and his older siblings had a lot of sexual reenactment of sexual abuse and I honestly don't blame any of them. They were kids. It falls back on the parents. Why weren't they being monitored? How were the parents naive to this over so many years? When they finally were old enough to realize what they were doing was wrong, it was too late, and the damage was done to all of them sexually. Now they all deal with guilt and his older brother has serious sexual psychiatric problems. The parents have never acknowledged it as a family issue since it came out in the open and they were told. Very frustrating for me as it "trickled down" through 8 children in their own home. Who knows how each child will deal with it.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by stumpy

Also know that abuse takes place because there is too much ignorance and children simply do not understand what it really means

what?

abuse is never the child's fault. ever...regardless of that the child knows, feels , thinks, understands, etc...

are you implying that by this statement that abuse is abuse of the child is because of ignorance on the child's fault? because that is how i read this...

really? rape is rape, violation is violation..i think that even as a child..i knew that such by an adult hurt & was somehow wrong..

implying that it is the child's responsibility to know & report abuse in this equation is just ludicrous & irresponsible. look at the power equation...no child holds any power there..it is all in the adults hand...so how exactly is a child supposed to assume the responsibility is stopping the abuse?

yes they can report it if they are old enough & brave enough to do so..but if i read this quote & your post correctly (& i might be wrong) you imply that it is the child's job to know the abuse is wrong in the first place.

no..it is the adult's job...not the child. the adult failed here..not the child.

NO, Stumpy, I am definitely not implying that the child is at fault at all, as they are simply not. We are on the same page here, the ignorance I speak of is that parents don't know enough to tell their children about what many things mean and they should make sure to speak up if they are ever victims. It is not just a stanger that can be an abuser, it could even be another child, children don't always understand this. I myself, did not understand. I was abused by both my older siblings and too afraid to tell! I can look back now, know it was so wrong, so upsetting and I was so little, but I truely never felt that if I told I would then be safe. I simply didn't understand as a two and three year old what was going on, all I knew is I didn't like it.

Open Eyes

[skeksi]

I have never wanted to confront the person. I think in the best-case scenario, anything he said would be woefully inadequate--like, an apology doesn't nearly begin to cover it, nothing he said or did would really show me that he understands teh damage that he has done to me. And in the worst-case scenario he would deny the abuse and accuse me of being crazy. I got enough of that during the abuse!

The person is also very different now, many years later. I don't trust or like to be around him, but I do accept that he's different. The person I want to come to some kind of peace with is the abuser from back then who lives in my head. So I'm using therapy as a place to get angry, sad, etc. so that I can confront the him that still torments me. If that makes sense.

[beauflow]

I thought on this question of mine a little more of a boarder range rather than specific-

In the end with my father, I had talked with him and confronted him on how horrible all of his kids grew up and used many examples- I did not talk about how he use to discipline us but with the lack of parenting and so forth- He did weep with saying he wish he could had done a better job and that us kids had more than what we received. I guess that in ways is confronting- but I myself tetter totter with was he abusive, and was it truly intentional in his case or things he just did not know how to handle?

My mother- emotional abuse, neglect, and what else can I say- I don't think she should had had kids- she hated us for her making that decision and by far did take it out on us- With her- I had at one time confronted her but she is so self absorbed that she just did not understand where I was coming from- and as always- Nothing is her fault. I never can forget what my oldest sister said -- she told our mother about the abuse that was going on, instead of a mom protecting her children she ignored the issue.

Both my parents- My dad was no better when my sister came out- he said- Well just some siblings do that-...... no, a 12 year old doing this to a 4 year old is not just some siblings doing that.

Open Eyes- Thank you for what you said- I did understand what you are meaning and thank you for clearing up the confusion which I can see where Stumpy is coming from- I think almost all are on the same page with that- It is not a Child's fault.

And Stumpy I so agree it takes a very brave and very special child to come forth and say something when an older person or power figure/adult is doing this-

LylaJean- can I ask you some thing- it is a bit on what Skeski touches on their post- do you think you would be told what you wanted or the truth or some where in between; and would you feel better with it?

I am just asking- and every human needs are different than the next.

I know for me it is like; well {abuser} did this; it did happen, I sort of know why but not entirely and just can't understand it all (sort of touches on open eye's statement that some may not truly know why they abuse/i still believe it is inability to break cycles with some)- and yeah I know abuser, you continued but for some horrible reason the mother of that child, was like our mother-and even though the Lawyer knew that- he did not further to prosecute you and the case got dropped.

I know also for me I experienced to see what my Sister had to go through... which just gave me the answer there on how my parents are/ in addition my oldest sister that I mentioned in this post about telling my mom- well oldest sister now denies that she said anything, knew anything, and that she is sorry this happened to me and my other sister. My other brother- I think he has some deep rooted issues- He is more like an angry protector; he wanted to go and find my oldest brother (and still does to this day) to do some damage on him for what he has done to me and my sister and what he knows of my other brother (sorry I have 3 brothers so I can see how this can be confusing)(but I guess the youngest of the boys he was abused too by our oldest brother- the saddest part is, he sticks with his abuse (our oldest brother) and has for years; it makes me wonder if he too is an abuser due to he does stay with our oldest brother- mind you one is like 34 and the other is 31.. adult children but in a different since than people that come on PC to try to heal the pain rather than to continue it)
My other brother that is the middle boy in our family (angry protector)- he got abuse by being beaten up when he tried to tell an adult of what was going on; by our cousin and oldest brother.

It is sad- it is horrible. I don't think there is any justification for this- I don't think any amount of sorry from people that have damaged us in one way or another can take away this sort of pain.
I guess in away with knowing some where in side of me that my dad regrets a lot, that helps me know that he is truly sorry and if he knew what he did now and had a second chance he would try to make things better... with the others that deny it (i am sorry some where they have to know part of the truth of it is wrong), like Stumpy says- TOASTY TOASTY....

Thank you all so much for reading and sharing -- I know it is hard.

I want to give you all big hugs and even ones that just read that can not open the wound up, I want to give you big hugs--- Only certain days is it that I can talk about this stuff with out breaking completely down and some times that can take a toll for weeks or months- so I do understand-



May we all learn from others mistakes, may we gather strength for ourselves and may we continue to be better than the past, and to strive for what we need for ourselves. May the sun shine and be bright one day and stay that way as well-- I know some of my falls are due to this stuff- and that was very hard to admit for quiet some time.

[madisgram]

what good would it do to go talk to him?

some ppl do confront their abuser but seeking professional help for your abuse may help one know how best to do this.
another thought is to write a letter about how you feel about what they did to you. you can actually mail it or choose not to. it can benefit you either way to empower yourself and get rid of the hurt/emotional pain.

many people write letters. Sometimes the letters are to try to maintain a relationship, and sometimes they are to cleanse yourself of the past and move on.
http://healandforgive.blogspot.com/2...ng-abuser.html

i wish you well and hope this info may help.

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by madisgram

some ppl do confront their abuser but seeking professional help for your abuse may help one know how best to do this.
another thought is to write a letter about how you feel about what they did to you. you can actually mail it or choose not to. it can benefit you either way to empower yourself and get rid of the hurt/emotional pain.
i wish you well and hope this info may help.

Thank you Madisgram

I do agree writing letters has helped me a lot

I feel sad a little that the professional help has not really helped me as I was hoping. I have found more help and clearity i think here on Psychcentral and as well as taking action in my life by talking to my boyfriend on a lot of subjects-- he is aware of my issues, and been trying to work with me as just a couple working together to be together for we both love each other

I wish everyone could find the help that they needed to get over such obstacles

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I think the "good" it does is when it eliminates the wonder of "what if I could talk to him". You are no longer left wondering what they would say, you're no longer left wondering if they show any remorse in what they do. It helps you to kind of get a small ounce of closure, although not even close to enough to heal, but it would probably also help you to see that this person was a monster or a person who also was in pain at the time. That does make a little difference.

I've had abusers that were just monsters and abusers that were products of their environment. It's my belief that if at some point they learn that what they are doing is wrong and they stop doing that wrong, that they were just products of their environment, but if they carry it out and live their whole lives as that, they are monsters. There is a thin line but it's there somewhere and asking questions will tell you where they sit on that line. Don't know how much it would matter in general, really it's probably different with each person and their experiences

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

I think the "good" it does is when it eliminates the wonder of "what if I could talk to him". You are no longer left wondering what they would say, you're no longer left wondering if they show any remorse in what they do. It helps you to kind of get a small ounce of closure, although not even close to enough to heal, but it would probably also help you to see that this person was a monster or a person who also was in pain at the time. That does make a little difference.

I've had abusers that were just monsters and abusers that were products of their environment. It's my belief that if at some point they learn that what they are doing is wrong and they stop doing that wrong, that they were just products of their environment, but if they carry it out and live their whole lives as that, they are monsters. There is a thin line but it's there somewhere and asking questions will tell you where they sit on that line. Don't know how much it would matter in general, really it's probably different with each person and their experiences

PFM-- Purple you make a very good point here- about products of their envirnment or just monsters-
I will not stand up and say that I have been holy my whole life- yes I have done wrong with emotional things as I view my past with myself, but I learned things from that- it did not make me feel good, and strive to change with that-
And the people that are just monsters- they feel remorse of what they do.

I do also agree to each their own- humans need different things in life.
thank you

[LylaJean]

Beauflow-

I don't know what I'd be told. I guess a part of me just wants him to acknowledge what he did, ya know? He pleaded not guilty and tried to act like it had never happened, and that hurt. Just having to defend myself and convince a jury and judge that I wasn't lying; that this man did hurt me. I think it was hardest because even my family doubted me. In our case, only my best friend (the man's fiancee) and I knew without a doubt what happened. That hurt. She's the only one that can truly understand what happened because she was in it with me. I also want to know if he was doing a drug at the time that made him act that way. I think he may have used cocaine beforehand, and I want to know if he would have done that to me without the cocaine or if the drugs made him act that way. I just want to know why. I don't know if it would make me feel better, but I know it would give me more to work with as far as my recovery. I've also thought about talking to someone else who had committed a sexual assault like that. I guess I really shouldn't expect him to tell me honestly what was going on, but I desperately want him to. Does that make sense?

[Open Eyes]

I have been giving this a lot of thought and the dangers of confronting an abuser if not really prepared. I have a lot things that are going on in my life that have violated me in many ways. I couldn't understand why suddenly I was getting flashbacks from my past and lets face it any kind of flashback brings on more than just a memory, it brings all the emotions and anxiety as well that can be very disabling. It doesn't always start with a flashback either. What can happen is we can be in a troubling situation where we begin to stress, then our brain and body somehow presents a reminder from our past where we experienced the same kind of violation. If we do not recognize what is really taking place, we can catastrophize the whole experience without realizing what we are doing and the whole situation can become very crippling and extremely confusing.

It has taken me many months to figure this out and as beauflow states, alot of what I have gained has come more from coming to PC than in therapy. Being able to be anonymous and just let out all my thoughts, in way I have never been able to do before was very helpful. What helped me was recognizing that I wasn't alone and I could hear others speak of the same psychological struggles. I could read articles and slowly gather information and what was very important was the validation of what I was experiencing. The PTSD I struggle with is very hard to explain to someone who has never experienced the symtoms that can be so overwhelming and that it is simply not something that one "Just gets over or Just deals" no, it is not that simple.

If someone takes that step in facing an abuser and the effort results in further invalidation or any kind of dismissal that only serves to add to a sense of loss of control, it will not benifit the victim. What has to take place is the victim truely has to have the right kind of validation and personal healing first, and that truely takes time. Especially if the victim was abused as a child in someway. Because all of us, no matter how old we are, carry that childhood inside us, and it is our weakest most vulnerable part of our lives and ourselves. This is one of the reasons why it is so very difficult to talk about or make efforts to recall childhood abuse. It is a real concern for each person with such a troubled past that has to be very carefully addressed.

It is said that one of the symptoms of PTSD that can stem back from a childhood that was troubled, is a search for a rescuer or strong presence of somekind. I have felt this many times, searched many times, and have to say that I really didn't find it.
What it really means is the search is about a person that will somehow not only believe our personal story, but will also serve as someone that will stand with us, show us how to address it, or perhaps even address it for us, most likely the way a parent should provide that for their child, thus teaching the child how to stand up and say something is wrong and know how to address it. What also comes into play is a deep desire for some kind of "justice", something that will recognize the truth and somehow punish bad acts or intrusions caused by abusers of any kind.

When a child is abused in any way or truely doesn't get the message of safety and value and respect, the journey of life has a missing piece that is not easy to fill. I call this "the missing piece" of what we are supposed to learn as our brains grow and develope and learn how to survive. This "missing piece" CAN be filled in different ways. It CAN be filled by a sibling, aunt, teacher, mentor of some kind that helps a child by validating them, respecting them and providing the support necessary for learning how to overcome the abusive situation and gaining personal self esteem and strength. However, the person that provides this assistance has to be able to identify that troubled part in the child or even young adult, as often the child or even adult doesn't necessarily know how to express this very troubling "missing piece".

This missing piece is supposed to be understood and addressed by a therapist when a patient finally asks for help. And I can say myself that even though I may be considered very intelligent or somehow able to reach out to others somehow seeing their missing piece, I still struggle with my own missing piece and I have been very confused by it. I have been very misunderstood and though I have spoken the red flags that should have been clearly identified, I wasn't heard, and that strong entity that I have so looked for is still somewhat elussive.

Though I have finally found the words to express to my therapist what all the messages I gave him that literally filled his room with many events where I was so mistreated or rightfully struggled, he may have failed me once again. I often wonder how others may have the same thing happen to them, I DO hear whispers of it here and there in PC. And I have to say, that whisper is in a lot of different places. I finally realized that what I wanted my therapist to be was something my father wasn't, a person that listened and agreed that things that happened to me WERE bad and SHOULD BE VALIDATED AND ADDRESSED.

I have described on several occasions a very dark side of what I am struggling with.
I really struggle with this dark feeling of being so angry for some reason, some loss of that rescuer presense that really hears me and will show me the way out somehow is still not there somehow. Though I am trying to somehow find it in myself, I still struggle. I have talked about SI to my husband and my therapist and even an attorney that is not doing his job. Yet I feel that no one YET believes that I am truely struggling with some very dangerous thoughts. I am not talking about these thoughts to get my way, or for some kind of twisted attention, I am truely saying, I have these thoughts and I need to know you believe me and I need help to overcome them. I also need you to know I AM SERIOUSLY STRUGGLING WITH THIS.

I finally told my therapist that all along, as I have talked about this very deep struggle. I know that it is not taken seriously because all this time next my bed in a night stand, my husband keeps a loaded gun. I had talked to my husband about removing this a long time ago, guess what, he thought it was unreasonable and that I was somehow acting? I told my therapist about this on Tuesday, today is Thusday, and the gun is still there, did he forget what I told him? Did he call my husband and request a meeting and that it was very important? My husband is out hunting this morning and I am all alone here. Missing piece?

Thankfully I can come here and talk about this and someone is going to believe that what I am describing is real and they know this too.

We talk about trying to stay away from toxic people, perhaps family members that somehow violated us, don't understand boundaries or respect our personal right for space. Because what these people do is somehow continue to remind us of that missing piece. And often that comes from somewhere in their past where perhaps they too have a missing piece that they might protect by abusing. So before any of us can address OUR abusers, it is important we understand our own "missing pieces" and also know that though we may express "what you did or do to me is wrong" we have to understand that it is us that have healed, maybe found our missing piece, and the abuser is the one that is at a loss, perhaps they are not capable of respecting anyone.

beauflow, your father admitted his ignorance, so that was one thing you learned. Your seeing how all the apples from that family tree reacted to their own missing pieces. The two older brothers that choose to forget or deny? Perhaps their quiet agreement to control by abuse was ok on certain levels. And no, your mother is somewhere fallen from a tree that set her on her own path of surviving by denial and selfishness.

At least we have each other here to support one another in saying, "It is not easy to fill that missing piece." And it isn't easy to truely understand ourselves what it is either. I have read different stories of different struggles other members have and the one constant message is some kind of deep anger and frustration and even a sense of guilt or personal lack of somekind or recognising something that member is not quite doing right somehow. And there is talk about triggers, a knowing of something that causes some kind of discomfort, a reminder of something deeply troubling. A trigger can create all kinds of reactions, even a desire to lash out at another, somehow calling out something that may cross some kind of bounday of some kind.

I have to say that I have circled around this issue for a while now, for others, for myself and some kind of knowing but not knowing. Then a new member came in and talked about it differently and I was drawn to those messages. I got to know this member and we PM'd each other and then what this member descibed made much more sense to me. I was basically repeating the attempts to find this missing piece, however because it truely wasn't there I was simply hitting that empty space/injury/lack and could not get through or beyond because it is a pathway in my own brain that was never put in place. That is why we ruminate, repeat and struggle unknowingly. That is also why we want to know WHY and abuser abuses, abused us.

Last year I worked with a horse trainer that I would call the all around real deal in every way. Not only was she a really good horse trainer, but she was someone who learned how to feel real joy in her life. And she also knew how to be respectul of other people and is a very gracious person. She is also known to go very slowly in training a horse and she is seriously methodical. One day we were discussing other trainers and horses that perform and are trained very quickly to get to higher performance competition levels. I had always felt that many trainers push horses too quickly and as a result these animals simply do not last, they do break down physically and even mentally. This trainer replied, that if you miss a step in training, it never fails, at some point you always have to go back and address that missing step in the training. This is very significant, something I have always felt very deeply and her speaking of this touched a very deep part of me. In all my years of training horses/ponies and children, I did address this in many ways, I did find many missing pieces and experienced a positive result when addressing these missing pieces and somehow filling them. But I do have to say that it wasn't until I really experienced the flashbacks and triggers and gave it all a lot of thought, spent a lot of time and written a lot here. That I have only just begun to recognize my own missing pieces. And I do admit, I am not sure how to truely fill that missing piece yet, I am trying.

Open Eyes

[happiedasiy]

Confront and Heal yourself before you try to confront/forgive your abuser:

Forgive yourself for holding onto this hurt. For it has disallowed you to move freely forward. Look back and remember your self as a child sitting in the sunshine and pick her/him up in your loving protective embrace. And walk away with this innocence and tell them that they are safe now and noone will ever hurt them again. Hold this child in your loving heart. Allow them to stay for as long as they like. Knowing they are safe now to play and grow to feel what love is. And allow yourself to feel this too. Now you may keep them in your heart forever or move on when they and you have healed.
So when those ugly memories come and say rember me say with compassion "no", they nolonger reside here and let those emotions go. This is a process and will take time. Alot of time and patience,so be gentle and kind to yourself and inner child.
This has been my personal experience it has helped me. I hope it helps you, let me know.

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by LylaJean

Beauflow-

I don't know what I'd be told. I guess a part of me just wants him to acknowledge what he did, ya know? He pleaded not guilty and tried to act like it had never happened, and that hurt. Just having to defend myself and convince a jury and judge that I wasn't lying; that this man did hurt me. I think it was hardest because even my family doubted me. In our case, only my best friend (the man's fiancee) and I knew without a doubt what happened. That hurt. She's the only one that can truly understand what happened because she was in it with me. I also want to know if he was doing a drug at the time that made him act that way. I think he may have used cocaine beforehand, and I want to know if he would have done that to me without the cocaine or if the drugs made him act that way. I just want to know why. I don't know if it would make me feel better, but I know it would give me more to work with as far as my recovery. I've also thought about talking to someone else who had committed a sexual assault like that. I guess I really shouldn't expect him to tell me honestly what was going on, but I desperately want him to. Does that make sense?

LylaJean- I am so sorry that you had to go through this.
Just the simple acknowledgement is what I think it comes down to- (Right?). It does sort of validate you- meaning people to acknowledge that they did wrong and hurt another.

As Purple Flying Monkeys mentioned it give some sort of simi closure but not a full one.
As Open Eyes Mentions it is validation for you.

I do hope that you find what you need to recover-
And thank you for sharing that - I am sorry that I prodded to and asked

HappyDaisy-- Thank you so much for that- I really like that idea and really think that could help some people- I wish I could find someone that may be able to help me with that (like a Therapist) I don't think my T I am seeing now would even go any where near that. I was thinking about it earlier when I first went through and read y'all replies here... Some times I just can't imagine- and i need help with that. but Maybe if I try a little harder I can do this- I really like the idea though.

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Also this

And the people that are just monsters- they feel remorse of what they do.

was to say
And the people that are just monsters- they *Don't* feel remorse of what they do.

Sorry for my typo-

i just want to add...sometimes you can get validation that the abuse happened & it was real & it's not you in other ways..outside sources...

i was able to do that by finding out about my cousin the pedophile priest...knew he was odd even when i was a child. knew when i was sold & had to live in his house with my uncle he was evil (whole house was evil)...but yet as an adult i had no solid proof...& there was no way to really ask, or solve the puzzle...

until i saw his name on the list of priests subpoenaed by the court...yep. boom made it all real...wasn't just false memories. i was sold, i was raped, i was abused...etc.

so sometimes...search other places for the validation if you can't have face to face contact...the internet is a marvelous source of information

[LylaJean]

Thanks Beauflow. I do want validation. I just want someone to hear me, say wow, that's f***ed up, and hear that I'm still struggling. When my husband and I first started dating, I shared the assault with him. Later, he talked to his mom about it, and his mom asked him if he knew I wasn't making it up. Something about that really stung, even though she hadn't met me yet. I ended up pulling out the police report and a few of my subpoenas just to say "yeah, this really happened." My family has never acknowledged that anything happened, even though my mom was in the courtroom when the verdict was read. My dad can't deal with the fact that this happened to his baby girl, so I don't think he thought about it past the night it happened. My mom just doesn't like to talk with me.

Wow, I sound whiny. What I mean to say, is that I haven't felt validated by anyone that I truly care about. I even taught a Bible class about sexual abuse, sharing my story, and I also shared with the parents of a girl who was raped and murdered. I thought maybe by helping them, it would help me, but it almost felt like a step backwards because I just had to keep answering questions about how unresolved the whole thing is. And I don't know what would make that go away. I have spent significant time researching, googling, trying to trace my abuser. All that I have found is that a year ago, Interpol took him off their site. He had been red flagged but I guess more international criminals came around so he was removed. That sucks. Cuz now they aren't even looking for him.

. All that I have found is that a year ago, Interpol took him off their site. He had been red flagged but I guess more international criminals came around so he was removed. That sucks. Cuz now they aren't even looking for him.[/quote]

could be he has either died, or is in jail...that might also be a cause for removal of the flag...& depending on the country you might not have a way of getting additional notification of either...

in the US if someone is incarcerated in the federal system you can check & see their status, as for state & local you would have to check with that state agency, for foreign locations i have no idea...but there might be a way of obtaining penal information or status, i don't know.

same as the the US social security dept maintains what is called a death list...which you can check to see if someone has passed..perhaps another country might do the same..i don't know..

it is a thought...otherwise i guess you might be faced with unanswered questions right now...i too have many unconnected dots in my story..i will say that after a certain point, i know they are there but while important the pull towards finding the answers isn't as strong as it used to be.

[LylaJean]

The assault happened in the US although he flew to another country before the trial. I stay in contact with the department that has been in charge of the search and I'm sure they would have contacted me had something happened. I think actually that legally they have to notify me. In fact, they even know that he's in Panama, but the government there won't work with them to extradite him because he has dual citizenship. The whole law system has kinda screwed me cuz I did all the things I was supposed to do and now more laws are standing in the way of justice being served.

[beauflow]

LylaJean

Wow, I sound whiny.

Don't feel whiny- it very legit to want validation, people to believe, and to care; especially those that are close to you - But remember It is hard for another to hear as well things of this nature happening to some one they love, It is a horrible thing, and some people can't process it all at once, if ever for some.

Bless your heart for doing a class and trying to help others;