[acrosstheborderline]

I feel like Im going forward and getting over my traumatic experince of emotional abuse then , I get some reminder and cant control my emotions all over the same issue again . I had a sister in law who contributed my torment asking me to be friends on a social site . I went back remembering painful memories again . My x husband who also contribute to my torment of abuse too , told me its fouryears ago to build a bridge and get over it . Does anyone els have this comment thrown at them when they keep having painful memories of the past . ?

[beauflow]

hugs to you. i have a similar issue with memories and feeling engulfed by the emotions of them too.

i am not sure what to suggest.

i don't think people just get over this sort of stuff, meaning people may move on with life after healing, but i am not sure.

i try to take what i can as lessons, but when triggered it is harder to see the lesson. i try hard to use self soothing skills and wise mind if i can.

[Open Eyes]

((((acrosstheborderline))))),

Yes, I get that a lot, actually all my life to be honest. People don't understand PTSD, they just don't, sorry to say. I know it is frustrating, but you are dealing with PTSD, they aren't and most people have no idea what it is like and they can actually even be very mean. The best thing you can do it ignore them and find people that are more supportive, even if that means to come here and be in touch with others that have the same experiences as you do, to know your not alone.

((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

Yes, and whenever someone tells me to "just get over it", I simply tell them that them saying that to me is about the same as them telling a person in a wheelchair to "just get up and walk" ...

This enables me to know who does and doesn't genuinely care about my healing and recovery ... The ones who do care get to remain a part of my life ... Those who don't care get kicked to the curb right fast ...

[acrosstheborderline]

Originally Posted by BrokenCloud

Yes, and whenever someone tells me to "just get over it", I simply tell them that them saying that to me is about the same as them telling a person in a wheelchair to "just get up and walk" ...

This enables me to know who does and doesn't genuinely care about my healing and recovery ... The ones who do care get to remain a part of my life ... Those who don't care get kicked to the curb right fast ...

hi brokencloud I have done the same , my x husband said this he trys to be supportive in one away , then in a another he can be quite harsh and cold . Im getting a divorce from him this year . He contributed to this condition I have as well as hes family . Its not easy to get over any abuse of any kind . thanks for your supportive comments . take care acrosstheborderline

[acrosstheborderline]

hi openyeyes yes you right if only people took the time to understand what people are going through and learn about it and what it would be like if they were going through the same thing .

[acrosstheborderline]

good advise beauflow

Hugs to you. It happens to me as well. They just don't get it. I have tried everything short of performing circus acts to help them understand and they are clueless. Ultimately they say those awful four words.
Triggers! and it is like yesterday. There is no such thing as space of time I am right back there. Sometimes it is agony.

It happened to me this weekend with a family member. We hadn't spoken in six months and she contacted me I was courteous and polite. After the convo I wanted to just die. And the other person ...

I suppose they felt it gave them license to invade my safe space. I had to totally separate myself or the abuse would do me in. Two emails since in a 24 hour period. I just want them to leave me alone. They have done enough damage. I will never just get over it and it does matter
Big hugs to you

[gma45]

Oh My! Too many times to count, I would get so angry when my x used to say that, it totally made me feel like my feelings did not mean a thing. I am still trying to figure out how to deal with it. I feel like maybe I am to emotional, but I can't help it. I wish you well and glad this place is around so we don't have to feel so alone. Sorry I don't have any advice for you, just know there are others that feel the same.

[likewater]

That is the most hurtful thing anyone has ever told me. My own sister told me this causing
.me to be suicidal once. She didnt remember saying it. She dissociates. She basically said something like :

i was abused too, get over it already, you just have one crisis after another, i wish you would finally get your life together.
It just broke me. So yeah, i've heard crap like this all my life and from some unexpected people. I NEVER expected to hear it from my sister. She was the one who got me out of the abuse.

[likewater]

Anyway, i know how much it hurts. Also, i know it' s a bunch of baloney. People say stupid stuff and you dont have to absorb it into your heart. Dont digest it. Dont chew it up. Just spit it out. Hugs.

[acrosstheborderline]

hi rose panachee , I can relate to what your saying , I have inlaws that contributed to my anxiety problems and gave me this post tramatic stress , then now want to make a ammends , and asking all the time how I am , their not the type of people you can trust they talk about everybody s bussiness out in the public family bussiness they run . I dont trust them, and want them to leave me alone . Im divorceing their son who also allowed the abuse and contributed to it . anyway just want to let you know I understand . hugs

[Spiderlegs]

Originally Posted by acrosstheborderline

I feel like Im going forward and getting over my traumatic experince of emotional abuse then , I get some reminder and cant control my emotions all over the same issue again . I had a sister in law who contributed my torment asking me to be friends on a social site . I went back remembering painful memories again . My x husband who also contribute to my torment of abuse too , told me its fouryears ago to build a bridge and get over it . Does anyone els have this comment thrown at them when they keep having painful memories of the past . ?

My family won't even put up with me being upset over crap that is happening now! One said to me not long ago, "Don't dwell on it"...Dwell on it????? IT is happening now! I simply am not allowed to be irritated by abuse, meanness, lies, theft by my family and no matter what horrid thing one does, they all gang up and side against me. I know, I sound paranoid!
But this has been their game for 25 years and they're not letting go of it.

[Spiderlegs]

Originally Posted by BrokenCloud

Yes, and whenever someone tells me to "just get over it", I simply tell them that them saying that to me is about the same as them telling a person in a wheelchair to "just get up and walk" .....

Good analogy. Now, with my family, much of the problem comes because of my real physical problems. My daughter once screamed at me to get off my lazy *** and get a job! I was on crutches, in a brace, hands and arms numb, back destroyed from a crushed pelvis and lifting her twins all day, every day because she refused to care for them.

There are days, and I didn't think anything could make me say this, that I hate my kids. They won't even attempt to understand PTSD and the fact that I'm terrified of them.

[lynn09]

Oh, yes! And the ones who want you to "get over it" the most are the ones who inflicted the pain and injury in the first place because they don't want to take responsibility for their misbehaviors, and they don't want to believe and don't want others to believe them capable of such. This is typical of all tyrants and bullies - all abusers.

My abusive older brother (a perfect clone of our abusive father) said to me one day, "You just need to toughen up and learn how to take it!" To which I replied, "Why? Just so you don't have to be responsible for your behavior?" He came at me like a charging bull with fists clenched, stopping just short of pummeling me. (Mind you, we weren't children - we were in our 50's when this took place.) Another time during that same period, he bellowed, "You mean you're going to hold me responsible for what I say and do when I'm angry?" To which I replied, "You are never more responsible for what you say and do than when you're angry; and if afterward you can't remember what you say and do during your rages, you need to be responsible enough to seek immediate evaluation and treatment for the sake of others and yourself." Again, charging bull. Some of his other favorite lines: "You're nothing; you're nobody; you don't have any rights;" "You don't DESERVE to be treated with the same respect and consideration that normal, decent people do;" and, "You have to earn MY respect; and you have never done a single thing in your entire life to earn MY respect." Blahblahblah...

Of course, abuse targets/victims are always blamed for their abusers' bad behaviors, vilifying and demonizing their targets/victims to justify abusing them and to manipulate others into abusing their victims for them, thereby victimizing everyone - "If you were a better person, I and others could/would treat you better." Right. The problem is that most abuse victims never get closure because their abusers never admit to and are never held accountable for their crimes - and abuse, no matter the means of infliction, is a crime.

Abusers are devoid of conscience, incapable of empathy and remorse, and define EVERYONE, especially their primary victims, as "less than" themselves in order to validate their superior worthiness to exist; to justify forcibly imposing their wills on others by any means necessary and at any cost to anyone other than themselves, and USING everyone to serve their self-interests. They have no boundaries; therefore, they do not recognize or respect other people's boundaries or rights. Abusers are wolves in sheep's clothing - self-deluded nightmare monsters hiding in plain sight by concealing their damaged, frail egos within the false bravado of their public-personae, masquerading about as respectful and respectable pillars of the community, and preferring to abuse their victims in secret in order to maintain plausible deniability - no witnesses. Their basic mindset: "I am not an abuser, so I would never abuse anyone; therefore, no matter how I mistreat others, they must deserve it." My brother: "That's just how I react when I feel threatened" - like that makes it all okay.

Despite what I know about abusers after 61 years of experience being my family's (and other abusers along the way) target, scapegoat, and sacrificial victim, and observing and studying their mindsets and techniques first-hand, it still hurts. I carry the pain and damage to this day, and I still get triggered. I KNOW that abuse is never about the target/victim, that it's ALL about serving the abuser's self-interests, and that abusers will/can never stop abusing others until they are forced to do so because they honestly cannot see their actions as abusive, much less see themselves as abusers. And I KNOW that it's all about Power and Control - and identity - abusers define and forcibly impose on their victims false identities to justify abusing them, and falsely portray their victims' identities to others to manipulate them into abusing their victims for them, and to enhance how the abusers are perceived and assigned value by others in comparison to their wretched victims. I also KNOW that, despite our abusers' assertions to the contrary, that each and every one of us has the right and responsibility to define our own identities and determine our own destinies.

Nevertheless, despite all that I know, I'm still working on finding the key to alleviating the pain, healing the trauma, and stopping the triggering once and for all - how to counteract the FEAR that makes me tremble to the core, paralyzes me, shuts me down, turns me into a quivering mass of non-function. If I ever figure it out, I'll let you all know.

In the meantime, much love and many, many empathetic and supportive hugs to you, acrosstheborderline, and everyone here. lynn09

[acrosstheborderline]

Originally Posted by gma45

Oh My! Too many times to count, I would get so angry when my x used to say that, it totally made me feel like my feelings did not mean a thing. I am still trying to figure out how to deal with it. I feel like maybe I am to emotional, but I can't help it. I wish you well and glad this place is around so we don't have to feel so alone. Sorry I don't have any advice for you, just know there are others that feel the same.

hi gma its such a relife that others can understand what Im saying , my x husband family are trying to make a mends with me . However its not working just makes my anxiety worse ..

Wow Lynn! Thank you

Originally Posted by Spiderlegs

My family won't even put up with me being upset over crap that is happening now! One said to me not long ago, "Don't dwell on it"...Dwell on it????? IT is happening now! I simply am not allowed to be irritated by abuse, meanness, lies, theft by my family and no matter what horrid thing one does, they all gang up and side against me. I know, I sound paranoid!
But this has been their game for 25 years and they're not letting go of it.

Exactly the same for me...

and it's the main abusers that are telling me to get over it, it doesn't matter, it's in the past, stop dwelling, just forget it...etc etc.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

Exactly the same for me...

and it's the main abusers that are telling me to get over it, it doesn't matter, it's in the past, stop dwelling, just forget it...etc etc.

Sounds like we are related to the same people here, I hear the same lines verbatium.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[likewater]

I wanted to amend what i said. What i meant was dont digest the junk like the above people tell you. Just symbolically spit it out. Youdont have to accept it. It's like a gift you don't want- you dont have to take it. If i'm on the phone now and i start hearing that
stuff, i hang up real fast. If i'm face to face, i'm suddenly very late for an important appointment. No reason to listen to that garbage.
Or i just dissociate and i dont hear nada anymore. DONT THEY KNOW IF WE COULD JUST GET OVER IT, WE WOULD HAVE ALREADY? why would we choose to be tormented? To spend all our money on meds and treatment? Seriously. Do they think we are renewing ptsd like a library book because PTSD is so darn fun?

[lynn09]

Well said, likewater! lynn09

[phoenix7]

ohh if i had a dollar for everytime someone has thought of that wonderful piece of advice - the other one i hear is - well others have had it worse and they get over it whats wrong wiht you?

Its about empathy i think, if they can imagine themselves in your place then they dont say stupid things, my mother died of a heart attack just before i was going overseas to visit her and a "friend" said it was probably because you were visiting her - she got too excited. The problem is people dont think

they have two ears and one mouth which should mean we talk less than we listen and therefore understand - but its not true - some are so self absorbed that all they see is their world, they believe only their feelings and pain has to have room -

gets off soapbox...sorry

I work in a ward where a lot of the people cant eat and i see visitors bring in food and eat in front of them...like i said...for me its about empathy

and the ones who say that to you either dont understand or dont care

wishing you healing and peace

P7

[Spiderlegs]

This entire thread reminds me of a passage I recently read. The article was about torture:

Inevitably, in the aftermath of torture, its victims feel helpless and powerless. This loss of control over one’s life and body is manifested physically in impotence, attention deficits, and insomnia. This is often exacerbated by the disbelief many torture victims encounter, especially if they are unable to produce scars, or other “objective” proof of their ordeal. Language cannot communicate such an intensely private experience as pain. Bystanders resent the tortured because they make them feel guilty and ashamed for having done nothing to prevent the atrocity. The victims threaten their sense of security and their much-needed belief in predictability, justice, and rule of law. The victims, on their part, do not believe that it is possible to effectively communicate to “outsiders” what they have been through. The torture chambers are “another galaxy”. This is how Auschwitz was described by the author K. Zetnik in his testimony in the Eichmann trial in Jerusalem in 1961.
Harvard psychiatrist Judith Herman:
“It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.”

But, more often, continued attempts to repress fearful memories result in psychosomatic illnesses (conversion). The victim wishes to forget the torture, to avoid re-experiencing the often life threatening abuse and to shield his human environment from the horrors. In conjunction with the victim’s pervasive distrust, this is frequently interpreted as hypervigilance, or even paranoia.
It seems that the victims can’t win. Torture is forever.
http://samvak.tripod.com/torturepsychology.html [snips]

[Open Eyes]

Spider, very interesting and also true. Finding the words to discribe what it feels like to go through and experience PTSD is very difficult. I have found myself constantly trying to discribe it so my husband will understand how hard I am trying, and how difficult it is to not only understand myself, but to do my best on the very bad days.

I can relate to the fact that others around the sufferer of PTSD do dislike hearing about it. Yes, it does present the fact that life is unpredictable and we do not have as much control as we would like to believe. It seems that all the responses are conveyed in words that all revolve around "just get over it" some kind of "JUST" as though the one who sufferes is weak and truely not making the choice to "JUST SNAP OUT OF IT".

In my therapy with my T this week I talked to him about what my difficult days are like and because I am learning about PTSD I am also paying close attention the what happens to me sometimes. I explained to him that while I do practice relaxing and self soothing, I have come to realize that when these strange memories come into play they pretty much take over and what I have to do is learn that I have to allow them to come forward, experience them and wait until they pass. It is almost like they put the rest of my brain on hold and say, THIS IS WHAT WAS LIVED THROUGH AND FELT AT AGE 10, REMEMBERING RELIVING MODE. And I am always exhausted afterwards, and I also have to try to reason with it AFTER I experience it. This is something a therapist has not felt and I don't care how much he says, take deep breaths etc., once this comes forward, it has to just run it's course somehow. However there are times when these events are smaller and can be reduced by slowing down and self soothing.

Sometimes I think about when we have a bad stomach flew and no amount of deep breathing is going to stop the moments when our body simply says something needs to come out. Well, the average person encounters this and can relate. If only that were true about PTSD, but unless one truely experiences it, they cannot truely relate.

Hey, my own daughter, I did raise her well, she knows a lot of security and when I try to explain it to her? She gets up and remarks, "That is just an excuse". And because, like the victims who have no real physical evidence of the abuse remark, I too cannot show the physical, I am denied as well. So often there is punishment instead of much needed support, sadly. BUT, at least we have each other to reach out to who do know, it is far from just and excuse.

Open Eyes

[Woman_Healing]

I would need more information on what type of abuse it was. For instance, was it a random act of violence like a rape? Or was it something that happened in a personal relationship of some type? Can you expand on this?