No Identidy.

JD, that is my T that has done that "not me". That is going to be a question I will have for him tomarrow. It is most likely what he means about my being in the "mourning" stage of PTSD. As he has put it, "mourning what is lost", but he is not talking about it like you are.

The problem is that my family and friends expect me to be the old me, but I am not the old me, not my fault either. It is as though my husband kind of says, "I miss the old you" and I don't know how to explain to him that I am different now and have to work at everything differently. People do not understand that, which ofcourse, as you know makes it all the more challenging.

My therapist talks about the final stage, "reintegration" where I get to the end of this stage of mourning and begin to integrate what I have learned into how to deal with things in the future. I am not going to be doing things like I used to, I suppose that is the part that can never be "cured". I am constantly seeing how the "old me" fit into family and friends in ways I can't be anymore. I guess it is as if I just know too much now, I see too much now and I am sensitive to what I used to be able to "overlook" and manage to "not stress about" in the past.

What I am trying to do is "learn" how to accept this "change" and learn how to "not stress about it so much". It is a lot of work, I have made some gains, but as you say, I can't go back. It is not something people can readily "understand" either, which ofcourse makes it harder.

Yep.

A "cure" implies that you will get back everything you used to do and who you used to be... it ain't gonna happen. Brain chemicals have dumped and we are changed people. No going back...

And you do realize that we have been the epitome of PTSD by the way we have gone back and forth in our thread posting? Oh well.

"And you do realize that we have been the epitome of PTSD by the way we have gone back and forth in our thread posting" quote JD

Yes, I suppose so, because we do both have PTSD, if not for that we woud be like everyone else that doesn't have it which is "clueless". I suppose your arguement has been mine with my therapist. However, I can see why he has "his" method of treatment because he wanted to encourage me to keep working at it. Although I have read things and seen videos that say the cells in the hypocampus can regrow and that the amigdala can heal as well. I will have to see if I can find that study/research and that video to post.

I see what you are saying JD, I know I still have it, I keep reminding my T too .
He doesn't have it JD, while he treats it and has seen people really gain and develope good coping skills, he has not experienced it himself, believe me, I have reminded him of that many times.

OE

I've read from various sources that the proper emotional support and therapy soon after the PTSD symptoms is extremely important and that if you don't have that you might have a lesser success rate of much improvement or coping. I mean I spent a good three years thinking it was my fault I couldn't handle what happened, I was ashamed of it and thought I had to keep it to myself or people would be disappointed in me for being effected that way.

I now see how stupid that was...but at the time I was quite convinced I had to somehow get rid of it or push it deep inside. I think part of it was with that girl getting killed at my school well she was more popular...I was kinda of friend with her in middle school and we didn't talk much in highschool but she was always nice to me. Thing is I was sort of the loser/out-cast people either picked on or paid no mind to. So after it happened and I was still at that school I was still the isolated outcast, people still wanted nothing to do with me.....some people where suprised it wasn't 'me' one girl said that during the lock down that she was suprised I wasn't the psycho with the gun...she apologized for that later. But point is I didn't have support from my peers, my parents where in the middle of a nasty freaking divorce so they didn't have much time to be supportive and it was just a tense environment....I tried mentioning my concerns to a school counselor who said not to worry about it, then I had my mom try and hook me up with more therapy but then it just didn't quite work out so I kinda just figured it was up to me to just deal with it. Also with how i was treated at school it almost felt like I wasn't allowed to join in the grieving because I wasn't part of the 'clique' so I had no right to be effected so much by the death of a girl who was more part of that.

I think that time between experiancing symptoms, and finally realizing there was no way in hell I could manage it by trying to ignore it or not be effected. For a while I even tried convincing myself I had 'minor PTSD' because my symptoms of it weren't quite so bad yet...after all I was still in college or damn well would figure something else out if that didn't work. But I learned the hard way it gets worse, or more flow blown the longer you try to push it away and just get on with things. Even now I sometimes feel the guilt about being effected how I was due to peoples ignorant comments like my moms boyfriend saying 'but you weren't even in the room.' when I tried telling him to be more careful about closing the kitchen cabnits because sudden loud noises and PTSD don't mix well. Then my grandmas bright idea a few months ago that I might just be dwelling on it, I mean its not like I don't already feel terrible enough for getting PTSD from a shooting I didn't exactly see and all the bullying and ostracizm as a child when some people have gotten it after much, much worse tramas.

I thought if it wasn't worse then it couldn't get worse......but no such luck. So while I feel maybe I will be able to gain somewhat better functioning or at least be less bombarded by symptoms I am not expecting a huge improvement. I've talked to my mom about some things I might like to do like jobs I may attempt someday or volunteering for things for something to do...but my immediate plan is to hopefully get on SSI and then not jump into any obligations too quickly I think I will need to take things slow and I certainly am not going to promptly start working on getting off of it either first I need to be able to manage the symptoms a bit better before I can even attempt to work. I question my brains ability to heal when I wasn't even able to 'heal' from my depression before getting hit with PTSD as well. Kind of like if someone broke their leg and it had just got done healing and then they end up paralyzed or something.

Hellion, I can relate to everything you have said, everything, thinking you "should" be able to "get better" on your own somehow. And then having it get worse and go into full blown PTSD. That is exactly what happened to me, I didn't see it coming at all, and you know what, most people don't. That is actually what Dr. Phil talked about when he was talking to the parents of some of children involved with the Newtown trajedy. Even children that didn't see what happened had to be watched. In fact that was the first time I heard anyone talk about the "warning signs" to watch out for so that someone doesn't get PTSD, and as I listened he talked about "every thing I did" and my family was never told to see it and they should have been told that when I was in the psychward. Infact they didn't treat me in the psychward, no one gave me grief counceling or any of the things trama patients need right away.

Yes, I know all about the "stop dwelling" comments, they sure don't help at all do they? No, they make it worse, they tell people who need to talk in order to greive and not get worse to "shut up", which is exactly what should "not" take place.

Hey, my sister came in to the psychward and yelled at me to "stop dwelling and get my act together or I would lose my marriage, farm, everything, it would be "all my fault if I didn't stop "dwelling and just get over it". No one came and sat with me, hugged me and let me cry and talk about it. I was just stuck in an unheated room, with a thin blanket and I shivered with the shock and shivered to stay warm. They knew I had the "cold room" but no one bothered to "fix it". Not a very nice thing to do with a trama patient for 9 days. And I was followed around by a guy that kept telling me he was Jesus Christ and could fix my pain.
Yeah, that was a trama ontop of a trama for me and then when I got out, my family was angry and mean to me, I should be all better after a psychward stay like that right?

Oh, I know Hellion, people can be mean and I know what it is like to think you have to find a way to "stuff it" somehow, that is what I thought, and it only made me worse.

(((HUGS)))

Well yeah. But thinking the way you did wasn't stupid, it just was the way we're taught to try and ignore or fix ourselves. You can't fix PTSD.

But you will get better if you continue, however slowly, to learn to accept yourself, to identify what is PTSD and not really "you" and not beat yourself up. It is a beast of a disorder.

Yes, the sooner someone who experiences a trauma receives help, the less affect the trauma has... it's something about countering the brain chemical dump... and it's why we have debriefing sessions after trauma work for the volunteers...(and always in the military after a mission etc, but now they know how extensive that debriefing needs to be to be truly effective.)

be as well as you can be, and let that be good enough for today

I am working on trying to accept myself, but with not being able to define that at all I am not sure what it is I should be accepting. Also I just wish I could explain things in a way that doesn't bother people....uhh it seems like specific issues I have only come up in the heat of argument with close family.

I mean it ends up going like I get anxious, or worried or irritable and then I might take something personally and get defensive when it wasn't really meant in an offensive context....like earlier I mentioned some fleeting worry to my brother and he said to stop being paranoid but he didn't mean it like in a mean way just kinda like 'don't worry.' but his wording. But I took it like you know being told to just stop feeling how I feel which wasn't what he meant...and of course had to make the point to start on about how I can't just stop worrying or never express it just not a good moment for that I guess. Anyways he got all pissed off we argued for a minute...I kinda just let it go as best I could because I didn't want to argue more and figured there would be no explaining any of it to him when we were both all defensive feeling. He mentioned not everyone is going to be gentle about pointing out if I'm bothering them and this and that afterwards which of course I know but it doesn't mean I can just up and be able to handle it.

I mean every time I then have to assure myself siblings argue, friends argue sometimes family members get into arguments, its not about hate and they wont hate me over one argument...especially if they don't hate me after that klonopin episode. Also I doubt what I am doing wrong or might do wrong or any of that is on their minds nearly as much as I think it is. But I hate having to try and reassure myself its just an argument........and even though people like my brother may not always understand or be able to react appropriately and might say the wrong things doesn't mean they hate me. But it makes me feel terrible because it puts me under more stress which worries me even more about finally going so far over the edge the really do want nothing to do with me or something. Of course if I was to go wake up my mom to talk to her about it or go bring it up to my brother it would likely start an argument.

So I guess I have to be even more careful about how I feel, I just don't know exactly what to say that wouldn't piss anyone off to indicate I need some time to myself to de-stress or I might start becoming unpleasant to be around. I feel like if I could somehow do that it would solve the issue but I feel even an effort to do that in a postive manner like just needing some space but not anything against anyone would still be annoying to people.

The other thought is I would like to maybe just be able to deal with the fact that sometimes I will piss people off or annoy them regardless of how much I try not to.......just like everyone else.......but I take it so freaking personally and I guess for whatever reason that makes it 10x worse. I mean I'd think maybe if someone sees I am getting pretty distressed they might back off a little but its like my anxiousness then pisses them off further. Sorry for the long *** rant I just am at a loss of what to even do about that. I mean maybe I could try and think about the context of the situation like if someone makes a comment that bothers me but they aren't expressing obvious anger then maybe I could just keep my defensive comments to myself for the moment and find some other way of coping with the fact it bothered me. It's just a weird cycle because I know I cannot always control my reactions to things, or if I get triggered so if someone get's angry its not necessarily something they can help. Yet the arguments consist of me telling them to react to me differently and them telling me to react to the situation differently which never goes anywhere useful.

And I am actually a little pissed about something, it seems it's perfectly fine for others to get harsh with me or even start yelling or raise their voice, but if I do then I am just wrong........well if people can yell or be harsh with me when I piss them off why shouldn't I have the same right when I'm pissed at them. I mean I don't want to, but the fact that I don't but then everyone seems quite fine to do it to me makes me feel like I am just letting people walk all over me by not getting just as harsh with them if they bother me. I mean the don't yell back and being unable to take the other persons yelling or harshness doesn't seem to work just seems to piss them off further that I'm the one backing away so to speak, but my past attempts to express that I am seriously angry about something or not ok with it never seem to be taken seriously kind of ranty, but how does one deal with that particular frusteration?

damn too late to delete that...

((Hellion)), I am glad you didn't delete that post. The internal battle you are discribing is what I and many others who struggle with PTSD also go through, so it isn't "just you", it is really part of the disorder. And "yes" it is a challenge and there are often these moments where you just wish others realized what your challenge is, that is what all those who struggle with PTSD deal with. It is a part of the "why can't I just" anymore. It is important you discuss this in therapy if you are still working with a therapist, hopefully the therapist will "know" what you are talking about, if not then that is a clue they are not really well informed about PTSD.

Yes, this emotional battle that "others" don't understand is real and something you have to slowly learn how to "cope" with and stop "self blaming". It takes time, I still struggle with it myself, but as JD says, knowing what is the PTSD and who you are is important so you can learn to separate the two and work on "not self blaming" but understanding "why" you feel this and learn how to "self comfort" and "self sooth".
It does take time.

I often don't feel human... or as I put it "I am unfit for human consumption."

I otherwise say I'm high maintenance and no one else in the world has the time to get to know me and care. Sad.

The mushrooms are just a way to try and self medicate yourself out of the misery you feel. Therapy isn't as quick, but it works for the long haul.

A PTSD expert helps to realize that the world YOUR WORLD has changed... how you view it, how you must live in it, how to regain your balance within it.

For my generation we always wondered why those older generations (now all but passed) never spoke about the wars they fought (it was called shell shock then...only PTSD after Vietnam...) well it was because they knew no one else understood...and men didn't know how to voice their feelings anyway back then...

at least we have that going for us: a world wide system trying to educate SOME one on this malady.

I've attempted self medicating with mushrooms, and it doesn't work to well....turns out psychedelics are best used when your mind is in a good place for it. I initially was just curious and wanted the experiance but then I thought maybe I could just escape all the pain and crap by tripping all the time...I ended up eating mushrooms every three days and taking other drugs quite a lot. Essentially I was curious for experiances, had some experiances my mental state and life was kinda going downhill so then I figured being f***d up on drugs would prevent me from caring or worrying about it and I'd magically 'figure something out.' Oh and I didn't exactly have much support so I didn't really have anyone to turn to. That is the part of my second year of college I failed that I've only told very few people in my family I used to be very afraid of if it ever got out to everyone......now I am not so sure I care.

I still smoke cannabis when I can, but I think that beats the overdoing it with various drugs on a regular basis, or drinking in excess on a regular basis which I've also tried. Also, it seems to mellow my symptoms and make me function better for a while.

But yeah I suppose why would you want to talk about something if no one gets it and is likely to just say ignorant things whether intentional or not that make you feel bad or are triggering. I even end up having this issue with my therapist, like sometimes it seems even she doesn't get it. I mean since I've started therapy and seen various mental health professionals within the past 6 months I get the feeling they downplay my PTSD. Like they always want to focus on the 'depression'. Yesterday even my therapist when I said maybe I'd like to find some sort of PTSD support group just had to make the point to say 'well you shouldn't nurture it too much.' well the problem is I don't get to at all and I feel like it gets treated as something that's not even real when its the main thing I struggle with.

I suppose I realize that is rather important, which is why its frustrating not being able to figure out who the hell I really am. I mean hell am I even a nice person or am I just nice out of fear of pissing people off? these are the things I end up going over in my mind for hours just trying to figure it out. I mean any trait I've ever seen as part of my personality feels like something to question....I think that is why my last mushroom trip which was more recent(what can I say I wanted to give it a try after a couple years of not having any) involved me being convinced I was physically disappearing/fading. I see it as a reflection of feeling like there isn't much there...like no real identity and feeling to be slipping away due to it....not that I needed the mushrooms to realize I felt that way.

Hellion, first of all, we do "not" find ourselves through "drug use". Drugs can help us with "symptoms" mainly 'anxiety" but, drugs don't "tell us who we are".

You have a history where you were bullied, and you never realized that "bullies" are people that don't have "empathy" and are only out to find a sense of "control" because they themselves have "fears and insecurities". Anyone that happens to become a "target" is not because "they are unworthy" in some way, they are just often a "random" target, and will often represent something in the bully that bothers the bully about themselves somehow. And yes, there are teachers out there too that also can have that problem, I had it happen to me and now that I look back, that teacher was just a "jerk". Unfortunately, I absorbed her unfair treatment towards me because I just didn't know what else to do.

Hellion, you need to "grow past" this history, understand that how you struggle with yourself is now something you are doing to yourself as a result from "believing" your lack of personal value these "bullies" put upon you. There is no short supply of bullies out there, the important thing to understand is that they are the ones that have the "low worth" not you. You are "not" a bad person, you are "not the kind of person that would "bullie" anyone either". You have alot of "empathy" Hellion, that is why you felt "bad" about that person that was shot and killed, you wanted to grieve her but somehow felt you were not "good enough or part of her life enough to do that". That was not being "fair to yourself" however Hellion, you would be surprised at how many others felt "just like you did".

What you are not recognizing is that all of your "interal challenges" are what most people deal with. However, when someone has PTSD, the fears and doubts and negetive messages recieved from others are "magnified". What helps alot for someone who struggles with PTSD is to see how human they really are and recognize that whatever they are challenged by is just "magnified" by the PTSD, so the "work" is in learning how to "self sooth" which means learning to recognize the "hurt in self" and finally learning how to make peace with it, seeing the normal human aspect of it so that you dont go on thinking you are "different, less than, incapable of, or misunderstood". You are not going to "fix or change others" you are only going to change the way "others problems and issues affect you". You have to understand that you do have some "victim mentality" as well, guess what, me too, but you can choose to see it and grow past it and help Hellion herself grow and learn "inspite of it". You are definitely "not" a bad person Hellion.

(((Hugs)))

DID I HEAR YOU RIGHT??? You wanted to go to a support group for PTSD and they nixed the idea saying you shouldn't nurture it? Obviously any support group they know of is just a bunch of whiners and not real therapy... I'm not a group person, and plus my injury issues aren't common themes for PTSD groups (so many are child abuse, or military combat) so a group wouldn't do me good but worse.

However, if you are in a similar group and the T does real group therapy, then maybe being triggered by another's story, and having the T work through it with the group as a whole (for I doubt you would be the only one triggered) that is hardly nurturing it.

Unless you've already had the discussion, I would ask exactly what their definition of nurture is, and what their fears are of you attending group.

It could very well be for your own good, as a T who does group might use a different method that your own T and confusion etc (or over work) could occur. But I'd still want to know exactly what they think. lol

I had taken a very, very long time (thank GOD for no limit insurance covered session) just for ME to be sure that the guy I was seeing who was an "expert" in pain and stress management. . . to be sure he really did (does) "get it". And yes, he does and once that was worked through, then I didn't have to continually feel like he really didn't understand all I go through etc. with the ptsd.

Yeah I know that, I wasn't saying I was using them to try and find myself, though maybe that was a part of it...not really sure. Just that I have gone overboard with drugs in an attempt to self medicate and such before. I do my best to avoid that now since I've learned hence the reason I don't use much else than cannabis anymore I am a lot more careful about alcohol to.

It wasn't that I was a 'random' target, I was more the designated target for all the bullies teachers and students alike. It was nothing about me doing something that bothered them about themselves it was my differences from them. I mean the bullies instigated the bullying and ostracism but then even the normally decent kids would go along with it at the very least they would refuse to include me just not to lose their cooler status. If I could count the number of times people told me 'you can't sit with us or we'll get made fun of to.' it would be a lot. I wish I could say I was just a random target but it was always ongoing with the same people. I mean people say 'everyone gets bullied.' but does everyone get bullied that consistently through different schools? I mean even the therapists I've had are pretty sure it wasn't a case of bad luck of being a random target it was systematic tearing down of my self esteem and such.

Woah there, I am really, really trying to work on the self blaming and it doesn't help when people throw at me that I am 'doing this to myself.' NO...this is not something I did to myself or am doing to myself it is what others did to me it's hard enough trying to come to terms with that without feeling like a generally weak pathetic person....without people trying to tell me it's my fault to for not being able to move past it. If I could I would trust me. If it was something I could control at will then yes it would be true I am doing it to myself......but I can't that is like saying if someones broken leg doesn't heal correctly and they complain about it hurting that it's their fault for focusing on it hurting. I mean I don't have anything with which to construct a more positive outlook of myself with...it's not like I am 'choosing' to veiw myself the way others veiwed me or treated me its more invasive thoughts and feelings keep me down on myself. It not anything I am choosing or doing to myself.


Also I don't think its accurate that 'all' of my internal challenges are what most people deal with. Do most people get bullied consistantly the way I was all the way through childhood? Do most people have a kid they know shot at their school...and then still get treated as the freaking outcast or as if they might as well have done it. Are most people on the autism spectrum struggling with the fact they don't see things or understand things the way others do and the alienation? Do most children grow up thinking they have to be repsonsible for everyone else and make peace just to try and reduce the stress a little? I mean am well aware most people struggle with a lot of the same internal conflicts I might such as trying to define them self, trying to keep relationships going and such but a lot of my internal stuggles are my own...not something everyone else experiances. I would agree the PTSD further amplifies the things that would be hard for most people making them seem a lot worse than they are but that is not to say most people struggle with 'all' of my same internal struggles.

I 'am' different from the norm...for one there's the autism spectrum factor the anxiety/depression since childhood and the PTSD. So by the very basic meaning of the word I am different but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Also there are things I am incapable of and a lot of times I am most certainly misunderstood.........I can't just tell myself those things aren't true since that would be a lie. I'd agree I am not 'less than' even if I feel like it a good majority of the time. I know I cannot fix or change others, though I am not so sure I can change how they effect me...working on trying to at least not take it to heart too much. For instance I try and think to myself if someone says something in the heat of the moment I should take it with a grain of salt...if someone says I 'never' do something for instance in an argument that doesn't actually mean they think I never do that they're just angry and not being totally rational. However I doubt I can prevent myself from ever being hurt by others....and I feel it shouldn't all be on me. Sure I'd like to be able to handle some things better and not be brought down as much but at the same time others shouldn't kick someone when they are down, or bully people in general they are in the wrong for doing that.

Also its not as though I go around thinking I am a victim of any and everything, however I have been victimized so yeah I am going to have a mentality that reflects that probably....I suppose I don't see why I should have to change that is it too much for others to see the aftermath of what can happen to someone after having any ounce of confidence or self esteem beaten out of them? Yeah its damn hard and if it bothers people they can look elsewhere instead of expecting me to just not have the mentality I've develeloped over 23 years of my life. Not trying to argue or anything but I feel strongly about a lot of this.

She wasn't saying I shouldn't find a group for it...I guess just trying to more or less say I shouldn't you know be totally consumed by it. But the issue I have that even she can't seem to get is I am not looking to delve into it to be consumed I just want to learn more about it, find people who can relate and understand some of it so I don't have to feel so alone with it all the time. I mean I don't have anyone in my family to really talk to about it...so the problem is I litterally don't get time to deal with it. Even in therapy its always all about moving forward...the depression, anxiety when I need to resolve the past and whats happened to me before I can do that....and even then not so sure how far forward I could move. I mean I guess I am not as focused on recovering or the future in fact the future scares me because i am pretty sure its not much to look forward to...but more coming to terms with what is and dealing with that.

All I do in my therapy is talk to the therapist, sometimes its a little bit useful...but then I still feel like even she doesn't get it and she seems to expect too much sometimes. LIke not so sure she really understand that it is vitally important I watch my stress level and take steps to reduce the stress in order to prevent my freak outs. Like I started explaning it yet again thinking she was finally getting it I said when the anxiety gets too bad I can't do much of anything which is true because kinda hard when your limbs wont do what you want them to and your hands are all unsteady of if you just flat out freeze up. BUt she then she said something like 'well you have to function even with the anxiety.' or something when she does not get if I do that I get overwhelmed and flip the f*** out. So I pretty much told her that and that I didn't want to go back to the psych ward over trying to follow her advice and just function through it. I told her how much I've been pushing myself with my 'im ok' front around my family and she told me how I should push myself further to do more things when the point was I am already pushing myself past my limits and somethings gotta give if I don't stop but now I feel even more obligated to push myself even further.

Maybe I need to right down how some of what she says makes me feel and how i react and bring them up next session otherwise I am not sure i should keep going to her...I mean she seems to be trying to help but some of her attempts just seem to make it worse.

Woah there, I am really, really trying to work on the self blaming and it doesn't help when people throw at me that I am 'doing this to myself.' NO...this is not something I did to myself or am doing to myself it is what others did to me it's hard enough trying to come to terms with that without feeling like a generally weak pathetic person....without people trying to tell me it's my fault to for not being able to move past it. If I could I would trust me. If it was something I could control at will then yes it would be true I am doing it to myself......but I can't that is like saying if someones broken leg doesn't heal correctly and they complain about it hurting that it's their fault for focusing on it hurting. I mean I don't have anything with which to construct a more positive outlook of myself with...it's not like I am 'choosing' to veiw myself the way others veiwed me or treated me its more invasive thoughts and feelings keep me down on myself. It not anything I am choosing or doing to myself.

Hellion, what I am saying is that "self blaming" is a part of PTSD. I have "self blamed" alot myself. I can relate to alot of what you are saying, and Hellion, I know all about bullying, I had it coming at me not only on the school bus or in school but also from my older siblings. I had a very troubled brother that was bullied and beaten up so bad as a grown man of 58, when he is stressed he still sucks his thumb at night while he sleeps. And yes, I know all about the other children that wont be friends with the bully target in fear of losing their "cool place".

I got so bad that I bearly could talk Hellion, I developed a kind of brain studder that took me a long time to overcome.

I have to say I was so glad to be "done" with school and that whole scenario.
It was so bad that my parents sent me to a private school, away from my older brother once I hit High School. That was a different challenge for me altogether.

I am not trying to trigger you, but I do hear you say some things that I have said myself, and I am sharing what has helped me. I know how you are trying "not' to self blame and how you go over interactions with others in your head, mulling things over just to check on your imput and the kind of responses the can hurt you, tell you that you are not being heard.

I would have to say that most of my childhood I was "hypervigilant" and looking back also struggled with depression at times too. Only as a child I didn't know what those things meant, I just did my best to survive tbh.

Somewhere you posted that you were questioning if you are a good person, and it was important to me to let you know that is a common question with PTSD, and I want to make sure you don't keep questioning that.

I also disagree with the T telling you not to join a support group and focus on the PTSD, you have it, so there is no way you can "not" focus on it, I see it in all your posts. I think you need to be "validated" for your challenge and properly diagnosed and also have the proper therapy. I honestly think that once you get to a point where you have the right people (a therapist especially) validate you the way you so need it, you will feel a big "release".

Hellion when I lost so much and broke, I tried to talk about how deep the loss was for me. I didn't get heard. I got to a point where I felt no one would ever understand "why" I was so hurt and that all that loss was part of a huge effort on my part to make a productive life inspite of a whole lotta hurt and negetive. I have been where you are and picked myself up so many times Hellion.

(((Hugs)))

"LIke not so sure she really understand that it is vitally important I watch my stress level and take steps to reduce the stress in order to prevent my freak outs" quote Hellion

I 'am' different from the norm...for one there's the autism spectrum factor the anxiety/depression since childhood and the PTSD. quote Hellion

Hellion, does this therapist know you have some Autism? If you can only push so much and your stress gets out of control, then you may need to "slow down". If you are on the Autisic spectrum, it can be a challenge dealing with "stress" or overload, that is what happens to my Grand Nephew.

It important that your therapist be aware of this Hellion so she doesn't push you too hard.

She is aware, not so sure how knowledgeable she is though, and I don't have an official diagnoses I guess since it was just a therapist who came to the conclusion of that being a potential diagnoses, but yeah even things that really don't stress or cause extreme discomfort for most people can bother me like normal levels of light and noise which of course is further amplified when the PTSD symptoms are acting up.

Okay I THINK I know where you are at (been there done that?) You sound like you want to go faster... heal faster... learn more and right now! Your T is trying to keep an even pace. I think I said earlier that going slower helps you get there faster... and it's true. She has cautioned the group therapy as being too much, going too fast (ask her about this?)

It takes a LOT of talking with the T... as you describe things, think about things etc., your brain is trying to file those memories away.... it does seem like it takes forever.... well, forever isn't even long enough because remember there is no cure... but you appear to be on the right path...and you will get better and can find a life in the future... it takes time.

Actually, I was the scape goat. I was "bullied" my entire young life (we didn't really use that term back then much) .... I was the last of 6 children in my family and was often blamed for things that hadn't even BEEN done! I was constantly compared at school to my next older sister who was quiet, reserved and a straight A student... because I was not living up to my potential. Anyway... it could have been some of the presets that caused the PTSD when I was so severely injured and disabled and treated badly (and still am) by the insurance companies and lawyers.

So while you do have your own story, and it's legitimate, we are all much alike too.

Well, being bothered by light and noise are also PTSD symptoms. I am not surprised that a different therapist thought about Autism either because PTSD symptoms and the anxiety and concentration challeges even anger of Autism are very similar. I think that it would be in your best interest to see if infact you are dealing with some Autism. I am not sure how that is diagnosed either, maybe do some online research on that Hellion.

JD is right about PTSD being like the subconscious mind dumped out into a confusing pile of pieces where it takes time to sort it all out. That is why there is such a desire to find some kind of quiet and safe environment with no stress so that time can be spent on sorting it all out. It is very common to feel like there is now some kind of "lost identity" and also not knowing "what you can be in the future or have a sense of a life path". Also if you have people around you that are "disfunctional" as well, the challenge can even be harder. Some of the troubling thought patterns you are discribing here about your family members "not acknowledging you or hearing you" could be the "disfunctional" way they are in general which is part of the challenge you had to begin with. That is what I had to see myself, while there was alot that I did know, what I didn't know is how it affected me in unhealthy ways. If you are in a family where everyone talks over each other and no one knows how to "listen" and acknowlege others, then yes, the result is not knowing how to communicate with others in a way where you feel you can be heard and connect with others.

You know Hellion, one of the huge problems we have as a society overall is our genuine lack of knowledge about how to raise children and how to have a healthy functioning family relationship. Parents tend to constantly order children around or not know how to truely raise children and develope a genuine "relationship" which their children where they take time to "listen to their children". And it is only getting worse because both parents are working and "family life" is barely even there for children. Parents often get self absorbe with "their challenges and issues" and they don't pay attention to their children in healthy ways. What happens all the time is the scenario you discribe where here you are with problems, problems you have dealt with for a long time and yet no real parental figure there to actually "listen" and make it a point to see to it that your teachers understood you and you were heard in your environment.

We have this society now that tends to "need" and that "need" is now so great that there is a big desire now for our "government" to fill that void. When I raised my daughter, "I" had to know how to "listen" to her and then I learned she struggled with dislexia and then I had to (knowing my own child's special needs) take the time to discuss her with every teacher she was exposed to. Also what I noticed is that because we have so many ways to "contain children" or "keep them busy" with Television and playpens and daycare and babycariers and gates and countless electronic toys, we have also been taking away from children the "contact" they need to grow and flourish.

Back in the 60's I believe it was, an experiment was done with a monkey where he was only given a metal cold figure for a mother and "nothing warm and nurturing". Then after that monkey grew up he was put in with other monkeys that had normal nurturing and he could not "interact or connect" and he was very stressed out, so much so that he had to be taken away from the community and put back in his own little "cold world".

Well, Hellion, on many levels we have been doing just that with our children as we find "things" to contain them and keep them busy while a mother does other things around the house. Infact, the other thing we are doing is giving our children computers and phones so again, they are actually being overstimulated with "things" and they actually don't have much "alone or quiet time and often lack the needed contact time with parents". The other thing we have been doing is putting children, young children, babies really, in day cares, where they are just a number of many handled by people who are "not the parent" and in that, something "big" is missing.

There is actually a growing number of people who are disfunctional now, as I have mentioned many times, this is clearly seen in the Relationship Forum and the Depression Forum.

I was constantly told I "spoiled" my child and I was often looked "down upon" because I chose to be an "at home mother" instead of doing the daycare and having a career. I did build a business around being a mother, I spent most of my earnings on my child and because of that my "priorities" were always questioned. And all along the way I watched "THINGS" become the priority to people. And it got so bad that unless these "things" had some kind of "designer" name to them and "cost alot" I was not considered "to have importance or value". So what I began to see is a "colder" society where "owning things" were the "priority" to value in life.

I am from a different generation than you Hellion, and while I have my challenges, I tend to have the ability to "empathize" with you based on what I have seen and experienced in my life. And because I chose to actually be a "mother" I do often see what is "missing" that so many other people "don't". My daughter is very "outgoing" and has the ability to set goals and even work around her dislexia, and she has good comunication skills too. However, she does struggle with "relationships" as well because, she is "not the norm". She is well respected and often a "draw" for others because of the way she has "self confidence", however, often what others seem to want from her is, for her to fill the void they have that they don't understand.

I didn't mean to get off the beaten path here, but what I see of "your challenge" is common, more common than you realize. Sigh....right down to trying to have a "therapist" that "gets you". So, what will help you Hellion, is your learning to recognize what you "didn't get" and slowly learn to finally put the pieces you struggle with together and that "can" happen when you are able to slowly fill in the "blanks"
where you begin to realize that some of the personal challenges you have with "communication" with others, even how others have "bullied" you, isn't really "your lack or worth" often it is because "others" have a lack. The more you learn to recognize this, the more that "void" will get filled because you will actually learn how to be more "self aware" and "self nurturing" inspite of whatever lack there is in others. This really does take time to understand.

Oh, JD and I were posting at the same time. Her imput is good too, because you need to see how much you are not alone Hellion. That is what has helped me as well Hellion, and JD too. When you are in the midst of confusion with PTSD, understanding the world around you, even the overall disfunction that has somewhat always been there, can be very helpful in slowly putting your own unique pieces together where you actually begin to make some real "gains" .

As far as "identity" is concerned, who we are will "change" throughout our lives. Who you are at 23, is going to change, because that is what life does to all of us, the more we live life, the more we learn, the more we grow and change as individuals. There really is "no" one point where we truely reach that level of that "destination or destiny" that means we are "all set" with life. For myself, I was a child, a sibling, a student in grammer school, I have been a victim, I have been a girlfriend, a wife, a wife of an alcoholic,a mother, a teacher, and I am a person with PTSD, and I still don't know exactly where I will or if I will get to that point where I will feel I have reached "total maturity", because that isn't really what happens with life because the reality is, we grow into alot of the things we become in our lives. It is not unusual for a person to enter college with a certain goal of a career and discover something completely different that they want to be. It is not unusual for someone to go to college with no real idea of what career they want, then somehow discover something they are somehow drawn to. When I look back at who I was at 23, wow, I am a very different person then I was then, and at that age I had no idea of the challenge or life path I was actually going to face or have.

((Hugs)))

It's more the other way around, she's the one who wants me to go faster, heal faster and learn more right now!....I'm trying to keep an even pace that is slow enough as not to overwhelm me too much. Her approach is too much it seems a lot of times, I was thinking group therapy of some sort might help with not feeling totally alone with it...Rather than pushing myself even when my symptoms are at my aboslutle worst which is what she seems to think I should do.

Not sure about being on the right path, or what better looks like...I feel like some attempts to make me 'better' could make me worse. Also not to be pessimistic but not so sure the future has that much in store...I mean I get to look forward to SSI, homelessness, or being stuck at my moms house getting sucked into the drama.

My mom always tells me to tell her if I am going somewhere especially over-night and just seems to treat me more like a child than an adult sometimes, and her boyfriend kinda talks down to me like disregards anything I say...he's even walked away right in the middle of when I am talking to him when I try nicely asking him not to do something such as not to complain to me about stuff just because I happen to be in the room. If I walked away when he was nagging or criticizing about something he'd probably follow me unless I go in my room, shut the door and tell him to go away.

Or if I criticize him for something(which he has no problem criticizing everyone else over every little thing that irritates him in the house) he tries to threaten stuff like 'well then you can do the laundry.' or 'well then I wont buy food anymore.' or things that I don't think adults typically say to other adults like if you have a problem with my behavior...you can do my chores kind of crap. He also, yells and nags all the time at my little brother and in general....a lot of times getting even hostile about small mistakes like if someone put a box in the recycling without crushing it up. He

Even with the SSI I am not sure I could move out...so it almost seems another trip to the psych ward is inevitable either way because I cannot take much more of that. I don't want that but not sure I'll have much choice in the matter the way things are going lately. But I am trying to hope for at least gaining a more peaceful less overwhelming life with a bit more independence from everyone and their drama.

(((Hellion))),

Yes, I agree with you, you "do" need a "physical presense" support group situation.
You are lacking that very important element in your life, the people that "are" around you do not have the understanding and capacity to "comfort and support" you the way you need them to. I do hear you on that one. While PC is a good way to be exposed to others that are challenged with PTSD and can validate the challenge for you, it is not the same as having an actual "physical presence" you can have access to where you feel "connected" verses "alone or separate from". Yes, something like what is in place for those with addictions like AA where it is a group situation of "like" challenges where others can relate and discuss the challenge and mingle and work on developing better "coping skills" verses turning to alcohol. Only a group for those who struggle with PTSD, where there are "coping methods" discussed and also others to mingle with who understand the challenge that you can actually relate to and connect with, something you have "needed" for a while now.

I don't see anything wrong with wanting that, I think it is important and something you should continue to "pursue". I can understand how you feel the therapist is pushing too much too, if you need to "slow down" then you need to express that and the T "should" listen and slow things down for you.

Yeah I guess I could try mentioning it...I mean its frusterating when I am explaining I am pushing myself too hard to act fine around everyone and she acts like its a good thing when the point was it's an issue I am having not some sign of progress.

Not to mention we discussed volunteering and such as ideas for getting out of the house more, thing is that would just be one more place I have to pretend I am doing better than I am so as not to disturb anyone. Therapist says I have to learn to function even as I am being hit by anxiety...I say sometimes I wont be able to function due to my symptoms and that is just the way it is, trying to force myself usually leads to burn out or me freaking out and becoming a hazard to myself. Hence the reason i am concerned about being stuck in the cycle of putting on an act.