[Wander]

I'm new to this part of the forum...usually in bipolar. Hi.

two weeks ago i had been doing very well then snap it hit me that most of my struggles in life like illnesses, bad choices in relationships, loss of career and of course the horrible symptoms of ptsd were all because of this one man who sexually abused me for many years as a child. The rage I felt was immense and i suddenly began plotting to destroy him violently through various means including killing myself. all this plotting was very grandiose (as my pdoc said).

few days later i snapped out of it and studied for my exam for a week. then i saw my pdoc and told him what had happened and the rage and plans came back full force. Now I'm in hospital for safety reasons and to change meds. I'm manic but heavily medicated so more coherent. still i am obsessed with plots and plans.

the justice system is screwed so going down that path doesn't feel like an option. i feel trapped like i was as a child. i have this puzzle to solve on what to do with my abuser. have tried to let it go and it worked for a few years but feel i can't now. anyone felt like this before? what can i do? i am not a violent person but my emotions are overwhelming me and manic mind going wild with thoughts of revenge. i have lost so much due to him. trying to live a life that overcomes what he did but failing. I want a life worth living but feel my grand plans will change the world and ruin his life.

what can i do?

[MtnTime2896]

I have written full stories about what I "did" to someone who hurt me. For the most part, I can live my life peacefully dealing with flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, nightmares and all the hypervigilance someone 5' 3" can contain. More than that, I have an overwhelming amount of anger that's constantly below the surface of any other emotion I feel. My imagination also gets very violent and creative.
When I was being admitted seven months ago and was given the intake question, "Are you feeling suicidal or homicidal today?"
My answer, without thinking, was, "Yes." Scared the scrubs off that nurse, the way I answered it, without hesitation or any real emotion.
Hopefully a medication readjustment will help bring down your rage a bit because your manic episode is most likely not helping your case. With that said, I get it. This son of a ***** hurt you in one of the worst and most traumatizing ways to hurt anyone. The legal system here sucks, too. That route might as well be a joke and added traumatization; so what's the point in doing the right thing?
Well, you don't want to go to jail because of this asshole. He still has power until you can get past this. Revenge is a powerful desire. Trust me, I want to full on "I Spit on Your Grave" this ****er who did what he did to me. I know I can even find him and all, but I don't.
I'm not him and I'm not a killer. I never want to be.
So, I write about it. Talk about it and rationalize it down to just being vengeful and then letting the feeling pass. It always comes back around not long after it leaves and sometimes I have to repeat the process of "letting it go". Just something to live with until we get better, I guess.
Sorry I'm not helpful with this subject. Maybe someone else will have better advice.
Good luck Wander. I'll be here to PM if you want to vent about the things you wish you could do.

[Open Eyes]

Revenge and deep desire for Justice is one of the symptoms of PTSD when it comes to experiencing a trauma from someone who abused are severely impacted ones sense of safety.

I have just read an article where it is now thought that "bipolar" can actually be something developed in an individual who suffered abuse/trauma as a child.

I am sorry you have these very strong emotions coming forward as you finally sort through your past. It's bound to present with strong anger and desire for justice and it's going to take you time to slowly gain more control over these very strong emotions.
Patience is of the utmost right now as you SLOWLY work on processing these very strong emotional challenges. You may need to be someplace "safe" while you work through this challenge. You are not going crazy, it's a lot of work to get to a point where you can find your way past the surge of anger and desire for revenge yet at the same time being very aware of how frightened and overpowered and helpless you were as a child.

[Wander]

This morning i switched to super-happy mania. I feel no dark thoughts. Want to change the world and fly. Still want to write a manifesto so I am researching stats for it. obsessed i guess. Colours so bright and sounds so beautiful. Yesterday I wrote a goodbye note and was very dark but suddenly this morning, about an hour after waking I flew euphoric high. Loving it.

[Wander]

Dark thoughts are back along with feelings of revenge. My doctor believes my bipolar was triggered by the trauma and of course genetic disposition to it. Mind f*** having both. Olanzapine (Zyprexa) is calming me down a bit. I am in hospital to keep me safe and do med changes.

In the past few years I was able to let go of the abuse trauma and felt i was getting on with my life but now I feel I can't go on without a resolution. Often I just curl up in bed in a ball and hang on to keep me safe. It is comforting somehow. Tried writing how I felt(revenge stuff) down but it made me overwhelmed and dangerous to myself so again I am silenced. My mind won't shut up about it though in a racing bipolar way.

Anyone have any ideas on how to make this extreme feeling of revenge and self destruction pass. Or do I just have to wait it out?

[PumpkinPieHead]

I have my "must seek vengeance" days. The thing that keeps me from doing anything is the affirmation that anyone that goes around hurting someone else is way more hurt than I'll ever be.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Wander

Anyone have any ideas on how to make this extreme feeling of revenge and self destruction pass. Or do I just have to wait it out?

Do you have any hobbies you enjoy? Before my shoulder became useless, I would play basketball when I was stressed with these thoughts, or just work out. I also draw and play music (the piano). It's a pretty good way to de-stress when you just let your heart out on an instrument. It's serene when it's only you and your music that exist to your ears and mind.

[Wander]

I'm IP and not allowed leave so limited as to what I can do. Hobbies usually are playing guitar and singing, walking along the beach or swimming. Right now I just surf the net, eat, try to sleep and seen nurses and doctors. Good idea though. Taking my mind off things helps. Trying to watch TV shows or movies but struggle to concentrate.

[Wander]

My mind keeps 'switching' me from a dark place where I am obsessed with revenge and SI, to a euphoric mania where I feel invincible, powerful and unmoved by the trauma. My doctor says it is my brains way of dissociating out of the dark place to keep me safe. Problem is that I cannot be discharge while manic or in the mixed-dark place. Bipolar is switching fast but it seems to be doing so to keep me safe. Any others with BP and PTSD experienced this? How do I merge the two states safely and stabilise? I just want to be well enough to go home - I am IP right now and have been for 12 days.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Hmmm...I experience this.

When I am feeling the rage and the hatred bubble up, I listen to upbeat music or find something funny to watch/read. Brings me back up.

When I am feeling the manic, I will head to the gym and burn off the energy until I come down.

I notice that yours and my mood are both set to roller coaster, so I bet we are similar. I hope the advice I gave helps.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by PumpkinPieHead

Hmmm...I experience this.

When I am feeling the rage and the hatred bubble up, I listen to upbeat music or find something funny to watch/read. Brings me back up.

When I am feeling the manic, I will head to the gym and burn off the energy until I come down.

I notice that yours and my mood are both set to roller coaster, so I bet we are similar. I hope the advice I gave helps.

Are u Bipolar as well? I don't seem to have the power to switch my moods, or get out of the one I'm in. The switching happens randomly. I do however try to calm myself down and stay safe. Music is a god send for me in both mania and mixed and depression, although I am less touched by music when very depressed. Exercise is a great idea too.

Where are you on the roller-coaster right now?

[PumpkinPieHead]

Right now I am in a pretty harmonious state. For me, it is all about turning my attention to something other than my thoughts. Good books, making crafts, stuff on TV, anything to distract me until I realize my dark thoughts are gone.

I have PTSD/anxiety/depression. You know, that fun cocktail. Thought I was BP for a while but that diagnosis was inappropriate.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by PumpkinPieHead

Right now I am in a pretty harmonious state. For me, it is all about turning my attention to something other than my thoughts. Good books, making crafts, stuff on TV, anything to distract me until I realize my dark thoughts are gone.

I have PTSD/anxiety/depression. You know, that fun cocktail. Thought I was BP for a while but that diagnosis was inappropriate.

Good to hear you are well right now!

[Wander]

It has been two more weeks and my mind still falls into obsessions but not exactly revenge. Without triggering I will just say I have a puzzle to solve and am obsessed with it. Recently, I have been using music to solve the puzzle with some results. This is all PTSD related buy I have a hypomanic mind calmed by meds. Still IP, been 27 days now. Still unsafe but hoping to be ready to be discharged by Monday.

This is weird, I know, but has anyone else ever had, or created, a puzzle they NEEDED to solve to heal/be safe from PTSD issues. It seems so rational to me but I am having trouble explaining it to my T and psychiatrist. Both see PTSD and Bipolar at play and my doctor actually sees the music obsession as helpful to me right now. It is both the lyrics and the music that I connect with and find paths to the trauma. My mood is actually good. I am not upset about the trauma...well...except when I am...then I am 1000% triggered and suicidal. My mind is protecting me I think but I can't hold it all in forever...or can I?

I just want to get into a life worth living. Is that too much to ask.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Wander

It has been two more weeks and my mind still falls into obsessions but not exactly revenge. Without triggering I will just say I have a puzzle to solve and am obsessed with it. Recently, I have been using music to solve the puzzle with some results. This is all PTSD related buy I have a hypomanic mind calmed by meds. Still IP, been 27 days now. Still unsafe but hoping to be ready to be discharged by Monday.

This is weird, I know, but has anyone else ever had, or created, a puzzle they NEEDED to solve to heal/be safe from PTSD issues. It seems so rational to me but I am having trouble explaining it to my T and psychiatrist. Both see PTSD and Bipolar at play and my doctor actually sees the music obsession as helpful to me right now. It is both the lyrics and the music that I connect with and find paths to the trauma. My mood is actually good. I am not upset about the trauma...well...except when I am...then I am 1000% triggered and suicidal. My mind is protecting me I think but I can't hold it all in forever...or can I?

I just want to get into a life worth living. Is that too much to ask.

I'm still solving my puzzles with it all, but mine is derived from my having dissociated during the trauma and having to piece it together. Unfortunately, there are times when I obsess over it all but it's been a while since that happened.

[Eclecticdivergent1]

when my mind goes into that darkness (I nicknamed it "My Abyss") I like to watch movies, paint or color/sketch; that is unless I have already become too depressed to get out of bed. The most effective thing a therapist had me do was to attack, beat up, yell at a body pillow until I had exhausted myself. It helped me get my feelings of rage out safely. These coping mechanisms worked for nearly 30 years. Now, due to other issues much of my abyss consumes me. We share some dx for apparently most likely the same reasons. Keep with the struggle; we are survivors

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I'm still solving my puzzles with it all, but mine is derived from my having dissociated during the trauma and having to piece it together. Unfortunately, there are times when I obsess over it all but it's been a while since that happened.

I have a lot of dissociated trauma. Thankfully the details are hidden from my view right now. It's just the fact of it all I cannot compute. WTF do I do with it. Please brain, dissociate now or send me manic so I can switch off.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Eclecticdivergent1

when my mind goes into that darkness (I nicknamed it "My Abyss") I like to watch movies, paint or color/sketch; that is unless I have already become too depressed to get out of bed. The most effective thing a therapist had me do was to attack, beat up, yell at a body pillow until I had exhausted myself. It helped me get my feelings of rage out safely. These coping mechanisms worked for nearly 30 years. Now, due to other issues much of my abyss consumes me. We share some dx for apparently most likely the same reasons. Keep with the struggle; we are survivors

Thanks. I beat up pillows too. It helps. Just have an injured shoulder so need to be careful.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Wander

Please brain, dissociate now or send me manic so I can switch off.

I can't tell you how much this speaks to me right now.

Batting cages, driving ranges (golf), and those silly blow up punching clowns helped me to channel my anger and rage without causing harm to myself or others ... Yeah, those others - especially our abusers - deserve every ounce of this anger and rage, but I"ll be damned if I'll end up in jail because of them and our fupped duck judicial system that allows them to get away with these criminal acts ... Go to some batting cages and pretend that ball is their face and have at it ... Same with the driving range at the golf course ... Those blow up punching clowns can be purchased at toy stores, and a few of those strategically placed around the house so you can punch the poowahdoody out of 'em every time you walk by helps too ... I hope you're able to channel this revenge fantasy in a way that doesn't get you put into trouble with the law because that would only serve to compound the problem!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

I've been talking to friends and family about the puzzle I need to solve for years on and off. About 3 years ago I got very delusional and thought my best friend joined forces with my tormentors and I told her "the puzzle is being put together and all the puzzle pieces falling into place". I was highly delusional (I think...now I wonder if I'm just being shown the truth of it all). I "think" that when I get obsessed with the puzzle I'm unwell. I come to conclusions others call delusional. But I have had good insight at these times too....it's just that I can't make sense of them until I'm stable. (((Hugs)))

Stay safe Wander. I hope you can be released and we'll soon. My husband made me write my doctor just now. My husband says he doesn't think I need to be in the hospital yet, but he sees it coming and said if I didn't write my doctor and tell him the full truth of my situation I would be in the hospital soon and he doesn't want that. I don't want that either. I wrote my doctor and I'm scared of what he will say.

(((More hugs)))

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I can't tell you how much this speaks to me right now.

Have you heard the song by Radiohead called, 'How to Disappear Completely'?

The main line in the chorus is, 'I'm not here. This isn't happening'

Really reminds me of dissociation. Listen to it if you haven't already. It is a work of art on dissociation.

Let me know if you like it.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Wander

Have you heard the song by Radiohead called, 'How to Disappear Completely'?

The main line in the chorus is, 'I'm not here. This isn't happening'

Really reminds me of dissociation. Listen to it if you haven't already. It is a work of art on dissociation.

Let me know if you like it.

I love that song. And you're right on that. It speaks to that part of me.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Pfrog23

Batting cages, driving ranges (golf), and those silly blow up punching clowns helped me to channel my anger and rage without causing harm to myself or others ... Yeah, those others - especially our abusers - deserve every ounce of this anger and rage, but I"ll be damned if I'll end up in jail because of them and our fupped duck judicial system that allows them to get away with these criminal acts ... Go to some batting cages and pretend that ball is their face and have at it ... Same with the driving range at the golf course ... Those blow up punching clowns can be purchased at toy stores, and a few of those strategically placed around the house so you can punch the poowahdoody out of 'em every time you walk by helps too ... I hope you're able to channel this revenge fantasy in a way that doesn't get you put into trouble with the law because that would only serve to compound the problem!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

Some great tips there. Venting the rage safely. I need to get into something like this. Hard while iP but i can punch pillows. Punching clowns sounds much more cathartic though. Right now I do have a lot of rage. Can't wait to go home so I can be free to express in positive ways I see fit.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I've been talking to friends and family about the puzzle I need to solve for years on and off. About 3 years ago I got very delusional and thought my best friend joined forces with my tormentors and I told her "the puzzle is being put together and all the puzzle pieces falling into place". I was highly delusional (I think...now I wonder if I'm just being shown the truth of it all). I "think" that when I get obsessed with the puzzle I'm unwell. I come to conclusions others call delusional. But I have had good insight at these times too....it's just that I can't make sense of them until I'm stable. (((Hugs)))

Stay safe Wander. I hope you can be released and we'll soon. My husband made me write my doctor just now. My husband says he doesn't think I need to be in the hospital yet, but he sees it coming and said if I didn't write my doctor and tell him the full truth of my situation I would be in the hospital soon and he doesn't want that. I don't want that either. I wrote my doctor and I'm scared of what he will say.

(((More hugs)))

I am so glad you have your husbands support. I hope your doctor can help you stay OP but should you need to please go IP. Your safety is paramount.

Is the delusion what you told me or something different? Either way it sounds like some meds to calm you down would help. Do you have anything on hand?

I am working on my own puzzle. Not going well. I cannot solve it peacefully. I really want to but then i snap and lose the plot. Then the nurses medicate me and I sleep it off. One month here and I am nowhere closer. I am frustrated, desperate and almost ready to act. This cannot go on much longer.

I hope you find some peace tonight. I will be thinking of you.