[ThePainNeverDies]

Have said I'm suffering with PTSD.. Could it be so considering..

Basically, I've been sexually abused 4 times in my life.. 3 of them rape, only 2 of them reported and one of them my adoptive brother sexually abusing me, never actually having sex with me, so not actually raping me.. Right?

I now have an obsession over checking that my curtains are closed before it gets dark, that my window's shut, my expensive equipment (guitars etc) are away, cupboards, drawers and doors are shut. I get into bed feeling ok, then a sudden panic grips me and I have to check the door again and again before I can sleep.. It's my first night back at mine tonight, after a week away. So far I check my door about 5 times.. Which, to me is starting to get worse..
I'm so stuck and confused.. Constantly looking over my shoulder, checking that no-ones walking behind me, constantly making sure I'm not attracting any attention.. The last rape was only about 3 weeks ago and so far I've heard nothing from the police.. Im terrified.. What if, as people living here say (one of them a witness-who lied- and one of them a friend of the witness), they're all out to get me and are going to come and jump me, or get someone to rape me deliberately? i don't know, I'm panicking and I don't know what to do!

And I have had a really crappy family life.. I have an alcoholic Mother, my Dad is dead, he hung himself from too much stress when I was one.. I was then put into foster home and stayed there until I was 5, then when I was just turning 6, got put into an adoptive home and it all went downhill there too.. My foster home was the only place I felt safe and loved.. I was then sexually abused by my adoptive "brother" at the age of ten and all this time, from the age of 5 up until I was 16, I was emotionally and physically abused by The Adoptive Parents.. All the while, my twin, the more naughty, loud one, got away with murder, she got so drunk, she got into a huge fight, brought home in a riot van, passed out on the kitchen floor..

What would any normal parent do? Say "I'll ground her for an absolute minimum of a week and have a curfew set for when she does go out. IF she does.." OR "Oh I'll talk to her tomorrow and if she screams the house down and bawls her eyes out, I'll let her go out, with the curfew of 10pm"?

They chose the latter. Then, took the p*ss out of me when I started SI'ing. Seriously, screamed and laughed in my face, telling me to "go slit my wrists and bleed to death". That was when the SI got worse and the self esteem and self respect and confidence faded completely and depression really kicked me in the butt.. On top of this, since the age of 6 I'd always been a slow eater and not eaten much, so when I was ten, started eating less and less until it came down to nothing at the age of 12.

Could this be PTSD?

Help?

[skeksi]

It could be PTSD. Since you have had a recent trauma (a rape), it is at this time probably what the call Acute Stress Disorder--a natural reaction to a horrible event. What you are feeling and doing make complete sense to me; of course you feel unsafe and threatened under the circumstances.

I strongly urge you to call or message RAINN, which provides support to people who have been sexually assaulted. They can help you discuss what you can do to feel and be safer.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you, no-one has given me any support at all.. Not even the police. They didn't assign anyone from victim support, which is really rubbish of them. In fact, extremely unprofessional. Thank you for that link. I will give it a go.. I could do with talkign about it. I've got so many emotions running around my head and I'm all over the place..

Some counsellors mentioned it to me a couple of times, so I'm kinda thinking maybe it could be then..

[Capp]

((TPND))
Under the circumstances, your actions absolutely make sense...
As skeksi said, this is a recent trauma and I hope you do seek help for it...

What your "adoptive" brother did is still rape IMHO.
Rape is an act of violence; having sex is an act of love between two people.

I applaud your courage and determination, TPND.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing,
We Care

Cap

[Can't Remember]

You're very brave. Is there no one you can call? Someone to just sit with you if nothing else? You don't have to be alone. We're all thinking about you.

[phoenix7]

the checking thing, i do that, its because you dont feel safe and you are trying to make yourself feel safe again - the more agitated you are the more you will find the need to check - dont beat yourself up about it - it is just you trying to protect you - try to be kind to yourself - you have been through an awful lot and you have survived so that shows you are strong - if you survived all of those events then you can do this - really you can - you are not alone - we are there with you

that help line sounds like a great idea - why not give it a go.

Im sorry you're "family" were hurtful when you SI'd - my sister couldnt understand either when I told her about it (in an effort to stop) - she got angry and made me feel ... well worthless - but im not and neither are you - you are a worthwhile human being and you certainly deserve a break - think about asking the police for a contact for rape counselling too - thats just another avenue of care that you may be able to access - i know they didnt offer one - but there should still be one.

Most of all be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone and things can get better P7

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you for all your replies, they mean so much to me.. Really they do.
No, there's no-one I can call because I don't have a mobile phone because the police have it and my home phone is linked so I can't make outgoing calls, i can only receive them.

I'm trying so hard to phone this helpline, but I'm absolutely terrified. I went out with a friend last night at around 9pm, to get some shopping. Even though I felt "ok" enough with him, I still felt really unsafe.. I constantly looked over my shoulder, I almost got run over because I was so concentrated on getting home as quickly as I could, that I didn't even look when I crossed the road..

I'm such a danger to myself.. i bring all this on myself and every day and night is consumed by everything that's happened to me.. Things people say, things they do, people I see, places I go, my dreams.. I can't sleep without the people coming after me in my dreams and it's awful..

I couldn't do anything about my "Adoptive Brother" could I? It's years too late.. It was 7 years ago, nearly 8. Surely nothing can be done?

[phoenix7]

hang in there it can get better -you are still trying to be safe and thats ok - its early days yet and you have been through a major trauma.

Being scared to ring the help line is understandable - geez i was terrified when I rang for an appt with a counciller after my incident - i hung up a lot before i actually rang - but it was worth it - just being able to talk with someone who will understand where you are coming from is a help.

Can you ring the phone company (from a friends or when out shopping with a friend) and see if they can seperate your home phone ?

bringing this on yourself? i think its more that you are dealing with what someone has done to you, and you are doing the best you can with the support you have - try to be kind to yourself - did you try the police for a councillers appt? its worth a try - take care P7

ps not sure what can be done about the adoptive brother - do you want to do somthing? maybe dealing with the current situation is enough for you at the moment - although i can see they are all linked - i really wish you could talk with a psychologist aobut this - they often can help - take care P7

[Christine1123]

((thepainneverdies))

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all of this. You're definitely a stronger person than I am. 3 weeks after that happened to me, I was still in denial and shock. I didn't even call the police myself how you did. You're a very strong individual. Not to mention your adoptive family, or the witnesses...you never deserved any of that. I can't believe you were treated so badly. I'm so sorry. I hope you know that people care about you and don't want to see you hurt.Nothing that happened is your fault. You didn't bring this on yourself. Some very sick people did.

I think the best thing you could do about your adoptive brother is to let it out in therapy. Unfortunately, there's a statute of limitations that provides a time limit on how long you can press charges against an individual for sexual abuse. In my state it's 2 years, in yours it might be different. It's stupid, I know. But that's the law. *rolls eyes*

Do you have a therapist, or someone close that you can talk to? You've survived a lot of s***, and we all need some help sometimes. Stay strong and don't lose hope.

[MINIME]

I just wanted to say I am so sorry thing happened to you. No child deserves that. I am so sorry. I read your post and I am here. stay safe please ok?

[ThePainNeverDies]

I need to get my damned phone back before I can phone any helpline. It's so *******ed frustrating!! I need to get hold of them somehow.. Maybe I'll get my bf to ring up victim support for me and get them to phone me.. Idk, I'm terrified.. i mean.. I'm scared of just playing it down.. Loads.. I don't want to do that because they share info with the police I believe, because they're linked with the police.

I want to do something about "The Adoptive Brother" because he's ruined my life.. It's been 7 years since and I remember my bf telling me how his uncle got done for a rape he'd never committed 8 years after him and his wife split up and it allegedly happened, so.. That's what makes me want to do it even more.. I mean, I wouldn't want to do it now, no.. Because one the police would probably not believe me, because of these other rape cases, and two I'm struggling to cope with this one as it is.. I don't need that on top of it..

No, I have no-one close that I can fully open up to anymore.. Even my cbt worker, whom I'vebeen seeing for over a year.. I can't even open my heart out to him to tell him how I'm feeling, pour out my feelings and cry and such.. No-one at college, none of my therapists have ever seen me cry. Ever.

I can't take it anymore. I really can't. My cpn's not helping me, she's just making me worse, I never want to see her.. I know I should see a psychologist or Psychiatrist, but nobody will ever listen.

[Christine1123]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

I need to get my damned phone back before I can phone any helpline. It's so *******ed frustrating!! I need to get hold of them somehow.. Maybe I'll get my bf to ring up victim support for me and get them to phone me.. Idk, I'm terrified.. i mean.. I'm scared of just playing it down.. Loads.. I don't want to do that because they share info with the police I believe, because they're linked with the police.

I want to do something about "The Adoptive Brother" because he's ruined my life.. It's been 7 years since and I remember my bf telling me how his uncle got done for a rape he'd never committed 8 years after him and his wife split up and it allegedly happened, so.. That's what makes me want to do it even more.. I mean, I wouldn't want to do it now, no.. Because one the police would probably not believe me, because of these other rape cases, and two I'm struggling to cope with this one as it is.. I don't need that on top of it..

No, I have no-one close that I can fully open up to anymore.. Even my cbt worker, whom I'vebeen seeing for over a year.. I can't even open my heart out to him to tell him how I'm feeling, pour out my feelings and cry and such.. No-one at college, none of my therapists have ever seen me cry. Ever.

I can't take it anymore. I really can't. My cpn's not helping me, she's just making me worse, I never want to see her.. I know I should see a psychologist or Psychiatrist, but nobody will ever listen.

People will listen, you just have to find a therapist who works for you. I'm sorry you've had so much trouble with the police. That is really hard. If you need someone to talk to I'm all ears.

[phoenix7]

gettin your bf to get them to ring you sounds like a plan - when they do you can ask them how confidential there service is - that should sort out your fears with the police hearing what you tell them -

I am sorry you are feeling alone - we are here if you want to talk -

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you, Christine. That means so much to me, it really does. I'm trying to get to see someone that I trust.. The last new key support worker here, really helped because I could talk to her and ball my eyes out to her, it was wonderful.. But then she had to leave, she didn't get the permanent post. Don't ask me why, she was a great key worker.. But. Now I have no-one that I can talk to IRL. It's a horrid feeling.

I mean, over the phone I can talk to Sky, which is great and helps a lot. But otherwise, I'm pretty much stumped for help...

[Christine1123]

((ThePainNeverDies))
Don't give up, you'll find someone like her that you can talk to about all of this.

[cantstopcrying]

K---Another post I missed over the holidays-I'm sorry. I want to send you hugs and tell you once again that I think you are amazing. Even when you feel like crap, you shine! Your inner strength, your inner beauty...it's you and it shines through your pain and anger and frustration.

[phoenix7]

thepainnever dies, how are you doing? did you manage to find help?

[ThePainNeverDies]

But how long will that take? It's taken me 17 years to find someone that I trust as much as I trusted her.. She was.. strange, in a good way, like me.. And we clicked instantly, like we'd known each other forever.. Instead of her having to approach me, I approached her about it, and ever since that last night when I OD'd, she helped me and she was the one that really made me realise that there's more to life, but now.. i don't have that... And I don't think I ever will now...

How does it shine through all my pain anger and frustration? When it's all so strong and seems impossible to override?

I haven't found any help at all, the police are being completely useless and I know of nowhere around here.. i tried to show Alec how I felt today, but instantly the walls came back up again and it was back to happy smiley me..

I don't feel beautiful.. i feel fat and ugly and.. ugh.. Otherwise why would so many people want to abuse me so much?

[cantstopcrying]

What's hard to realize is it isn't YOU specifically they want to abuse. They are sick people and you are so giving and kind and gentle and they sense that you are easy to hurt. They want to hurt to fulfil some sickness in them and they pick people whom they perceive as easy to hurt. You spirit and strength shines through because after all you've been through you are still tender and caring and still struggling to find your way. You've been so close to giving up, but you've fought on. You have dreams, K, dreams that you won't let die because you've been hurt. Your music, your love of injured animals, your passion. Oh I know it doesn't feel like anything shines right now. I know you feel lost and alone a lot of the time. It's at those times that you need to let people in, let Alec listen to you.

And I'll be perfectly honest with you--you could weigh 600 pounds and have two noses and no hair and 13 fingers and you would still be beautiful. The older I get, the more I know that a persons looks are superficial. If you were in an accident and it changed the look of your face and body, you would still be you. I know, I know....you're young, you believe that no one will come see or listen to a "fat" singer. That's your belief....mine is that when I'm listening to someone on the radio, I don't care a whit what they look like. I also know you have to be happy with yourself, with how you look. That's important. But you don't have to be thin to be happy--you want to. And that's ok, but don't judge the rest of you on your external looks. I think you are so beautiful....and I thought that before I saw the pictures of you!

[ThePainNeverDies]

Then why the hell am I so easy to hurt? I used to be shy, sure, and quiet a lot of the time, keeping myself to myself, keeping out of trouble, so why abuse me when I cause no trouble whatsoever and do everything in my power to make things ok, to make it stop??!! I feel empty at the moment.. And by this time next week, it'll not only be my heart and mind that feels partly empty, my stomach will be completely empty too...

I'm letting myself go on sites to find out how many calories are in certain amounts of foods, how much fat, won't count anything that's above a certain tiny number of calories or a tiny amount of fat.. It's insane.. But yet, I'm grotesque.. Even Connor's commented on the fact that before xmas, I was putting on weight, that over xmas (because I ate less because of what he said and how I felt).. I know I've put more weight on again and I daren't weigh myself yet.. not until next week whe starvation starts.. Then I'll weigh myself every day to see how well I'm doing.. I make myself sick with all the stretchmarks and flabby thighs and love handles that I was so proud of not having, with stretchmarks all over my sides.. Luckily not on my belly.. Like Charlene.. But still.. If I carry on like this, I'll get that bad..

Tomorrow, whilst Connor stays in my room to do his college work (he's staying over eek!! ), I'll be doing step aerobics for two hours, to shed this.. then next week, it'll be the gym every other day and, again.. Step aerobics.. But with yoga in between too.. Sound obsessive and over exercising? Not to me.. To me it means T.H.I.N.

I can't help it.. Kaz, the receptionist is sat eating soup or something and I sit here, smelling it thinking "blurgh, i want to go and throw up now" *shudders* I make myself feel sick looking at myself.. I grab flabs of fat, I'm starting to get "tyres" they may only be when I sit down and bend over, but still.. They're There!!! I can't help but just see fat and spots and grease glistening on my face.. Everything I hate.. Is there.. On ME. Well this time it's different.. No matter how much pain I have to endure, I will get to where i want to be.. Maybe then people like that tw*t rapist won't come after me..

[cantstopcrying]

'maybe then people like the rapist won't come after you'...you don't think he came after you because you're "fat"? Why, when you don't cause trouble, do people hurt you? Who would the bully in school rather pick on--the shy, quiet kid or the boisterous, loud kid that will make noise and fight back and cause a scene? It's just like in the wild, honey. The lion goes after the lamb because it is gentle and meek. Please stop looking within to find a reason....YOU personally, K--was not the target, though it happened to you. It was about power. The horrible persons exerting their power, their power to hurt, to subdue, to damage.

Oh could give Connor a swift kick in the pants for saying you were putting on weight! SO WHAT??? Yes, I know I struggle with how I look. When I got pregnant with Tori I was 5'10" and 113 pounds. 113!!!! Then with Kaity I was 123 pounds. I loved it, thought it was great. It was too thin. Now I believe I am too heavy. I know I am. I have a stomach and thighs that are, to me, huge. You'll throw up when you hear my weight number--185. It makes me unhappy, but I'm still me. I still have the same sense of humor that I did at 113, I still like to read, I still can't sing, I still think Toby Keith is uber sexy! The only thing that changes is the mirror. Honey, be careful please.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I know, I know.. But maybe if I wasn't so shy and quiet and easy to pick on, then they wouldn't have picked on me.. See? That's the issue I have!! Idk.. Maybe because of the size of my chest.. That's generally the thing people tend to look at nowadays.. The only thing I like about having gotten fatter is that my chest has gotten more impressive LOL but then, i hate having DD/E boobs! They get in the way!! Lol.

I'm about 160/170lbs.. And I'm 5'6ish. That's awful! it makes me so sick to be so heavy at this age! 17!! :@ taht means I'm at the top of the healthy range.. I used to be just under the middle of healthy weight, becoming underweight.. I loved that.. So I'm getting there again, but going further.. I can't stand the way I look.. I get picked on for it and I don't like it one bit.. I know I'm still me, but I don't want people to look down on me just because I'm fatter than I used to be.. And I want to be able to go up on stage and be confident..

I don't want to be abused anymore, but I constantly am, in one way or another.. whether it be people being *****y to/about me, raping me, hitting me, mentally abusing me, or ignoring my cries for help.. I just can't stand it!! I cry for help in so many different ways and STILL NO-ONE LISTENS!!

It makes no sense to me! I feel lik,e I'm doing everything wrong, like I'm goign about it the wrong way, seeming like an attention seeker, so they ignore me.. *cries*.. I hate this! I can't live it anymore!!

[Christine1123]

((ThePainNeverDies))
I am so sorry. I can't tell you how long it will take, just to not give up looking. If there was one good person for you to talk to IRL, there has to be more. Don't give up.

P.S.: You ARE beautiful.

[cantstopcrying]

I know you disgust you, and I know the feeling all too well. Please don't think I'm diminishing it--I'm just trying to make sure you know how beautiful you are regardless of what you look like. You may need that knowledge someday when your old and fat like me

How's the progress on getting our of your living place into a new one going?

[phoenix7]

I was quiet and shy and kept to myself - i think that actually makes us stand out to abuser - they think we will be too scared to tell - good on you for being brave enough to tell

the dieting thing - starving yourself and minimising your calories generally leads to weight gain not loss - you're body goes hey must be a famine - make fat quick! the best proven weight loss is to have several small meals a day to keep your metabolism up - can you see a dr about this? if you did maybe they could point you in the direction of some other help for the problems you are experiencing ue to your attack - just a thought.

and as others have said - beauty is not just how you look - I know you dont feel beautiful at the moment because of whats happened and the lack of support afterwards - just be kind to yourself ok - the first friend you need in all this is you then there is us - we are here if you need to talk - take care P7

p.s., who's hitting you?