vaguely remember session... trig - mention of SI, sui

from last night - so much was happening - talk about meds and the psych nurse and the place i live in and ...t being back finally.... so much was happening, i think in my head it was like when 2 storm fronts collide.

the pieces i remember:
*the calm before the storm - t getting me in the lobby, saying good to see you, and gave me a hug.
*T talking about the abuse history i had to write up prior to her leaving and the letter she wrote for me from that for SSDI
*t (brain just went totally blank...) uhhhhhhhh... getting on my case about meds and how "everyone thinks meds are the answer" - when have i ever said this?! why can't anyone understand that i've been led down this med path, unwillingly, and now i am at a place where i am hooked on the damn things, i can't just up and quit, i can't work without them because of the high level of anxiety, and i can't live ON them with the damn side effects?!!? On top of this my GP has told me that I am too complicated for her to deal with (this is not her speciality) and the psych nurse has said that there are already too many dr's involved on my case and she won't prescribe anything. WTF?!?!? What the hell am i supposed to do?!
*me crying a lot, trying to hold back the tidal wave of emotions ready to knock t right our of her rocking chair (not on purpose of course).
*t switching topics (or was it me?) to mom -i guess i did that. but then t jumped to the abusive situation in which i live here with her and the state of this house and on and on about how i have to get out of here.
*"you put so much energy into healing. If we could channel that energy into your getting out of this house, you'd progress much farther. You do all this healing work, and then go back to that house and environment where you are shut down and can't heal."
*"Even if you don't get dissability, we are going to have to get you out of that house - i am pushing you because i care about you"
*"You have to push through the fear here, Kiya - i know it is hard and scary? (she ends nearly every sentence in an up-lilt so it sounds like a question) But staying there is destroying you."
*"You take what people say and translate it into negative things that really aren't meant - so hear that I am really doing this as a loving action? And that i care very much for you?"

i can't do anymore. type anymore.
it was hard to hear all these things - all the voices in my head were yelling for sui and cutting and running out on t and telling me not to cry and talk back to her, tell her why her ideas won't work.

at the same time knowing that my experiences have left me with the heart and mind that struggle to see new things in a positive light, to trust them, try them. that I can't see the 'way out i want' so i won't choose any option.

confused, hurting, knowing t cares, feeling the sting of her words, wanting to run and hide, wanting to hate t for making me feel this way (i know - no one can "make" us feel anything). good thing my intellect knows all this, or this would have been a HUGE "gee thanks T for returning finally and hating me, I'm NEVER coming back here again, asta la vista" rupture.

((((((((((((kiya girl)))))))))))))))

ugh, it sounds like a very rough session for you. take gentle care.

it was hard to hear all these things - all the voices in my head were yelling for sui and cutting and running out on t and telling me not to cry and talk back to her, tell her why her ideas won't work.

at the same time knowing that my experiences have left me with the heart and mind that struggle to see new things in a positive light, to trust them, try them. that I can't see the 'way out i want' so i won't choose any option.

((((Kiya)))) You cant imagine how much I understand you. When I read your whole post I feel so much like you. The 2 opposite poles. That feeling of wanting to get better, wanting so badly that its overwhelming and you think of hurting yourself. Please, dear Kiya, be safe and know that you have support here and your t does care very deeply.

About the meds.....are you on meds? Or the p nurse wont prescribe them? Of course you cant just up and get off of them. Once youre on them its a big deal to get off!

I dont know anything about your living situation, but tell me.....why are you there? Is it money? Are you not safe there?

And t telling you all of this s**t just as she gets back. Believe me, I know how their words can sting when they want you move along. Its awful and it hurts.

Can you take one issue at a time?
1- meds
2- living situation
3- ???

And then it might be easier to choose an option.

((((Kiya))))) Be gentle with your sweet self and be safe

((((((Kiya)))))))

It's okay, this too shall pass.

(((((((((((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry the first session back with t was so hard

I know it's hard to pick out of the scary stuff, but T cares about you SO much and like you said, she can be a bulldog. Sounds like she was in bulldog mode.

Please be safe. Write here as much as you need to. PM. Connect with people. You'll get through this (:reaches out a hand to hold: )

i think your sig quote says it all.... i am almost at that point. I can sense that this is what this shove of T's is all about. and now that she is pushing (like the sun pushing the bud) i am the bud going NOOOOOOOOOOOO! and waiting for that moment (that all buds instinctually know but still resist) when it goes NOOOOOoooooooooooooOK. the image i keep getting is a person pulling on the bit of a mule who's got it's feet dug in and knees locked, head bowed in refusal. I like the bud one better.

__________________________________________________________
Bud WIIIIZZZZ Errrr. loved that comercial with the frogs (during the Olympics some time back).

(((clk6))) i am sorry that you, too, know these things so close.

i am living at home with mom (i'm 32) because of money issues as well as not quite having the skills to make it 'in the world' as past trials have proven. mom is abusive, the house is dirty and falling apart-dispite my best efforts to break the cycles and clean/fix things/learn new ways of being. today i did manage to put in several new lights (we were living in the dark) do some dishes, and will fix a toilet later -as i am the only "handy" one in the house ("and yet", my mother says, "nothing gets fixed").
I am realizing that i am part of the problem because my spirit to fight back has been worn away and i live in fear of her. I gave up, gave in. I live like abused wives who still live like abused wives even when they finally escape. T tells me i have the power, have control over my life, own my life. I tell her that may or may not be true - but if it is true, i sure don't realize or see it as such. she agreed. intellectually, i understand. but it isn't my intellect that is running the game here.

i remember t said something about my power (solar plexus) needs to reawaken and join my heart, then join my inner vision/dreams (6th chakra, inner eye) which can then all align with my intellect (crown chakra) and then i can really have an incredible life. I keep thinking i'm watching Discovery Channel about some other species of human.

one thing that was a big moment was that T thrust her crystal back into my hand - the one i had just returned to her from her vacation that she always leaves with me - she said "I think you'd better take this back for the week, you're gonna need it!" To send something so precious back with me into a house that I had just described to her... that was HUGE. it was like saying I am not my house, I am NOT dirty or unworthy. *cries*

Miss- i don't think this is gonna pass... i think this is the new reality. i went to the dinner tonight at the clinic - T read my email to her and reaffirmed that this is what we are doing, and she has to be strong and push me because otherwise nothing will change and i will not get better. "I know this is hard, but it has to be done - and like you said, kiya, you know this has to happen?"
At the end of dinner, she came by me again, asked if i was ok - i told her i was struggling with all this- she gave my shoulder a squeeze and said "Hang in there Kiya". I told her I'm hangin.
Interestingly, I've had a lot of shame around my house and situation (a lot instilled by mom who won't let anyone come over because of the mess ((that she says is MY fault, when really it is all hers)) and she says 'OK if you can deal with people seeing this pig sty YOU live in) and so it was also a pretty big deal for me to (as my observer self floated out of my body) watch as T did grip my shoulder strongly - she touched me... me... the one from the dirty house... just like sending her crystal back into the hell hole, she touched me. Even tho i showered yesterday and have clean clothes on, somehow I think of myself as not clean, not acceptable, not worthy. And she broke through that boundary and touched me. I believe she did so on purpose too. To show me that i am worthy. and she is fighting for me. to remind me that she is on my side. she is like the nurse who has to clean out the gangreen and it is gonna hurt like hell and i don't want her too. (she is an RN actually, as well as a PNP and PsyD) so maybe also like the surgeon who then has to cut away the dead, unusable leg (in this analogy) ...aka mom and this gangreen house... and teach me to walk again with a prosthetic. I can't even imagine something different and am beyond scared - what is beyond scared??- like i can't see the future - like it will kill me. i know it has to happen. i know staying here will bring me down with the ship. but i can't swim!!!!! and they're's sharks out there too!!!!!
How many analogies can i bring into this thing?
I didn't even have any words or energy to type when i opened this thread again - and look at all the words pouring from me.

one thing that was a big moment was that T thrust her crystal back into my hand - the one i had just returned to her from her vacation that she always leaves with me - she said "I think you'd better take this back for the week, you're gonna need it!" To send something so precious back with me into a house that I had just described to her... that was HUGE. it was like saying I am not my house, I am NOT dirty or unworthy. *cries*
__________________

Kiya You are SO worthy! And your t knows it and gave you back that beautiful crystal and cares enough to push you beyond what is comfortable. You are so much more than the conditions you are living in. I have so much faith in you that you can leave there. And you CAN live in the world. Believe me, I understand. Are you worried your mom and house would fall apart without you there? And what would happen to her?

How does your t say you can earn money? So you can support yourself- even a little?

I want to give you a big hug while you cry......

(((((((((Kiya)))))))))))) -
Wow, Kiya! I think it is great that you are considering this! I suspect before even the thought of it would have sent you running. I know you are still afraid, but it sounds like you are better able to contain the emotions. I'm SO PROUD of you, as always! It's like you've been locked in a prison for so long and are about to be set free. YOU CAN DO THIS! We're all here and rooting for you!

((((((((((((((Clk6, Antimatter))))))))))))))))
this thing will only let me "thank you" once, but i'd hit the button 10-fold if i could. here's the email i just sent t this morning:

"this was all clear in my head about an hour ago, and now that i am writing, my brain is mush. i noticed last night (at the dinner) that you - who have always been in my awareness at every moment - are longer in my range of knowing. You've done a quantum shift and i missed the boat. I used to always know where you were within a room, and last night it was like i didn't.
It's like i am having to do a trust walk now - blind and deaf. i can't hear half of what you have said in the past 2 nights, and you are out of my range of vision unless you are right in front of me. Is this fear that blinders me like this?
i don't want to go backwards or stop - that's not what i'm saying. but i am startled by this new development.
you know how scientifically, something in one quantum field can have no comprehension of something in another quantum field - even if they are right next to each other? that is what this seems like. you moved ahead into this new space, new means, new way of being without warning- this "strong boldness" you said, or something like that- and i am now groping in the dark, trying to recall any sense of meaning of what you said - not able to hear or vaguely remember.
I trust you - I can't say that I understand it all, but I trust you. Just don't let go, k? or i'll be floating off in space somewhere.
kiya-ish"

(((((Kiya))))) Wow, what a lot to take in on your first session back.

Who is "everyone"? Everyone thinks the answer is for you to be taking meds or for you to get off of them? It sounds to me like it would be helpful for you to meet with all your medical people (psych nurse and the "too many doctors" your PNP refers to) and get everyone on the same page. I know you have a case worker--can you tell her you need to sort this out with your multiple practitioners and she could help schedule a meeting? I think it is possible for people to be on too many meds or for people to be better not taking them (although for some people, they are better off taking the meds). It would be good to have the med people list their concerns and propose their favored course of action. You could have a chance to ask questions and weigh the options. If they do think you would be better off without meds, is it ALL meds? Or get off some of them but stay on others (e.g. the one for anxiety)? It seems like it doesn't have to be all or nothing right away (unless your liver is wonking out due to meds overload). At the very least, you need to have a medical person (doc or PNP) help you with a taper plan if you are going to be quitting any of the meds. Kiya, I think they are being very irresponsible not to coordinate care with each other when it comes to meds. It sounds like your Psych nurse has just had it with the involvement of too many docs and is worried about doing more harm than good since so many cooks are stirring the same pot. I hope you can get this really important issue straightened out really soon.

Kiya, I agree completely with this. I had a lot of trouble working on my issues because I would be with T, then go home to an awful marriage that I could not make any progress on, or my individual issues either, when I was in that environment. When I finally was not living with him, it was so much more doable to move forward. I thought that you had been working towards moving out? I remember you writing about that a number of times, as if that was the goal? Didn't you go to visit some housing that was a possibility? I thought you were very positive about that.

Kiya, what is the action she is taking? It sounds like she talked a lot, but what action did she take or say she was going to take?

What is the way out that you want? Do you want to live on your own? Do you want to live with your mom? Have you told anyone the solution that you want? Maybe no one knows. Why won't the solution you want work? Maybe your T could help you work toward this alternative solution, if it is possible. (I am sure you have probably been down this road before, but just wondering why your solution is not an option...)

Kiya, this sounds so hard. Maybe as the next couple of days passes you will be able to process and start on solutions. The meds question sounds paramount.

I got a response back from T from the email i sent her... more tears...

"I want you to hear in what ever way you can, that we have to find an approach that does not get lost in some quantum field that helps you move toward creating a more satisfying life for yourself. When your mother's lack of boundaries and respect is consuming you every day, you are naturally just trying to get the next breath. Living in your situation has to be more effectively addressed. I am putting that toward me first as someone who is helping guide you, and you second as it is your precious life that is stuck. I am here, and as you continue to get your bearings, you will know that is true. Use all your skills and tools, and you have many to get through this time."

I actually edited out bits that I just can't deal with being read by y'all. @_@ i cried when i read them - about my particular situation and the abusiveness/cleanliness of it. I really didn't even expect a response from her.
I do trust that she is there - but maybe "knowing" and "trusting" are different?

right now i am somewhere between shame, disgust, fear, depression.... probably other things i can't quite get a handle on.

((((((((((((((((((( dear Kiya )))))))))))))))))))

put away fear, shame, disgust, and the rest if you can. Try to focus on T's breathtaking comment about "your precious life" and realize that that is how she thinks of you. sounds like you are in good hands.

agreed - waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much @_@ (((Sunny))))


I thought so, too, but T thinks housing is paramount. it just seems easier right now to curl up in a ball and wait for the storm to pass - but I have a hunch it isn't going to pass.

((((((((Kiya))))))

Wish I knew what to say. All I can offer:

And good to keep coming back to. Starting to feel a little more "stable" in the world, but totally not wanting to go back to T @_@ at this rate i'm going to have to start taking in a tape recorder so i know what she said to me in session.
(((Tumnus))))

gah two more days away and STILL i just want to hide from T @_@