Today was so hard. I did feel really anxious when I went in, but we managed to get right to work. I asked him to sit in his chair instead of on the couch, because I knew I wanted to lay down on my tummy. So he did, and I did.

We talked about me not feeling loved, and feeling like I don't DESERVE to be loved. Like I am totally, and completely, and utterly unlovable. Ugh, it was the most painful session - more painful than anything we have talked about, and that's saying something. We talked a lot about my H. And I told T that I don't believe that T loves me either. I just DON'T. I just CAN'T.

T talked about it being a choice...whether or not to believe someone loves me...and I didn't like it at all. I told him it made me feel invalidated, and like I'm doing something wrong. I WANT to feel loved. I just can't. So we wondered about why I push love away, and I'm still mulling that over.

I told him I wish I were like my kids. My oldest is this giant goofball - he is like 5'8" and weighs 150 pounds - he is HUGE next to me - and when we watch TV, he sprawls out on the couch with his head on my lap and reaches up and holds my hand. My kids are so comfortable being loved. I want to feel that.

T came and sat with me and held my hands and asked me to let myself feel and believe for ONE minute that he loves me. I did try. I really tried. I think I felt it for a few seconds, and then I just couldn't hold on to it. He told me that when I was driving home, he wanted me to do the same thing with my H...to let myself believe and feel for one minute that H really loves me. I did try.

I was so sad when I left because I felt just as bad as I did when I went in. Maybe worse. My sessions always run right up until the hour, and I just couldn't stand the pain anymore and ended the session myself at 50 minutes. When I writing the check, I couldn't even remember T's name or how much therapy costs - he had to talk me through it and proofread it for me.

Before I left, he gave me the HUGEST hug. He just completely wrapped me up and enveloped me. I knew I was supposed to feel loved and I tried to let it in. Blah.

Sometimes it's all just too painful. It just HURTS.

I left T a message and told him I was afraid he would think I am being selfish. I KNOW that the most important thing is that I love other people, and I DO. That's what I'm really good at. I know for a fact that my kids and H and my kids friends and my friends do feel really loved by me. Maybe I should just be satisfied with that.

I hate how painful this is.

[complic8d]

(((((treehouse))))
Believing I am lovable, and not just conditionally, is very hard for me too. I don't recall ever believing it. But, I guess I am going to keep trying, just like you. Maybe some day we will get it!
Just knowing you through PC I think you are awesome, and lovable!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

We talked a lot about my H. And I told T that I don't believe that T loves me either. I just DON'T. I just CAN'T.

(((((((((((((((((((( tree ))))))))))))))))))))

your children love you, can you start with that?

I am sorry it hurts so much. If I were able to contact my feelings I would be where you are, but I'm not even that far along.

and ... for what it's worth, Treehouse... I love you.

[BlueMoon6]

((((((Oh, Tree)))))) It sounds to me like you worked very hard. You are taking huge risks in the room with t. Do you realize where you are? You may be on this painful plateau, but this plateau is 1000 feet in the air. Its painful, its sad, it makes you feel like what could be blocking you? You see your kids letting in love without a second thought...and your h...and your kid's friends...and your friends..its painful. Did you talk about the fear with t? About what is scary about letting love in? Is it that you will be abandoned once you let it in? It is waaaaay to dangerous b/c people will just leave. T will go when you are healthy enough to go, your H will not love you the moment you let his love in, your friends will let you down and not love you if you dont constantly give to them, whatever it is....is it fear of being left/abandoned?

Im saying that b/c it is at the bottom of pretty much everything for me so I thought Id take a shot at maybe that is how you feel, too. Its not just painful- Im talking about me now and maybe for you too...it is built so deeply into who I am and how I structure my relationships that just forcing myself to let love in feels like a losing battle. Because there is another reason- it is fear. I cant force leting myself to feel love until I feel the fear and let it go....let go and take the risk of losing everything and everyone and being abandoned. Its a HUGE risk. Am I willing to take it? Am I willing to feel it? Maybe not right now Im really not. I cannot take that leap of faith. I need to first figure out HOW to let go of the fear and then slowly, slowly, slowly let it go.

The time of childhood is over when the unconditional love should have been there, and so now we are afraid of unconditional love. It wasnt there and now we know we can be abandoned. How to trust again? How to let go of fear?

I love you Tree.....and Im right there with you....and I love you......

[Sannah]

I think that you will work through this Tree.........

I wish I knew what the fear is.

I think part of it is...cognitive dissonance (? I think that's what its called). Like, if someone loves me, then I am lovable, and that is something I cannot accept or understand. It completely shakes up my view of myself and the world. I can't wrap my mind around it...and I feel that at the very CENTER of me is the feeling of being unlovable...I don't even know how to let it go, and if I did, what would take it's place? It's too big for me to imagine.

T and I talked some today about the fact that when I was little, if my mom had a moment when she wanted to take care of me, I would NOT let her. Because I couldn't let down my guard...if I let her in, she would turn around and hurt me for SURE. It was easier to not expect or want anything. I think I am so scared of being loved because it makes me vulnerable. I feel like I need to protect myself.

More than anything, though, it's the unlovable thing. Like, it feels almost embarrassing to let myself believe that someone could love me...like I would be believing a lie, and people would be laughing at me behind my back.

Ugh.

[Dazed and Confused]

Treehouse - What you said about your mom so rings true for me:

T and I talked some today about the fact that when I was little, if my mom had a moment when she wanted to take care of me, I would NOT let her. Because I couldn't let down my guard...if I let her in, she would turn around and hurt me for SURE. It was easier to not expect or want anything.

It's weird because I remember when I was little and my mom would "apologize" with a hug, I would stiffen up. I didn't want to be hugged and I still don't! Although I am getting better at giving and receiving hugs, it's still hard. For me, I recently realized that if you love somebody then you've automatically given them power over you. Maybe that's just another way of saying you're vulnerable ...

I think you're doing great; just the fact that you could talk about this with your T. You have a lot of self-awareness and I trust you will figure it out.

[BlueMoon6]

I think you're doing great; just the fact that you could talk about this with your T. You have a lot of self-awareness and I trust you will figure it out.

I agree with this Tree. Youre amazingly aware and it will help you to figure it out.

That the unlovable feeling is at the core and it has to do with growing slowly to believe something different. That you are lovable for who you are and not what you do.

I relate to every word you said. I do not remember ever feeling like I needed my mother. I must have wanted her at some point when I was younger, but I shut down before a time I can remember. Maybe it is what you said- that I would get hurt for sure and she was not going to be giving me what I needed so I shut down from her young. I, like you, was afraid of being that vulnerable.

Tree, you have come such a long way- you can learn to be vulnerable and allow the love in without believing its laughable that Tree has love. That Tree is a fantastic, wonderful, warm person and we all LOVE her!

Tree

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so much pain. You are working so hard with your T, it's really amazing. I know that you will work through this, too.

Originally Posted by treehouse

We talked about me not feeling loved...Ugh, it was the most painful session - more painful than anything we have talked about, and that's saying something.

(((((((((treehouse)))))))))

I really liked that story about your son. I guess that the beauty is that you have been able to give your children what you didn't have. The cycle is broken and because of you they will never know this type of pain. It's obvious that you are a very caring and giving person. I know with time you will figure it all out and allow yourself to receive it from others, too.

[possum220]

dear tree

we dont like hugs or touch so we understand you.

Thanks (((((((((((((PC Friends)))))))))))))))) for all of your wise thoughts and kind words I love all of you too

T left me a LONG (5 minute!) message (I think he loves leaving messages because I can't interrupt him!) and towards the end he said that maybe instead of working on making the choice to believe I am loved, that we need to back up and maybe I could just admit the possibility that I might be loved. Just to accept that it might be POSSIBLE. I might be able to do that.

He said a lot of stuff about how deserving I am of love, etc. THAT is something that I can't accept.

But I guess I can try to believe that it's POSSIBLE.

I am so lucky that T works so hard with me. I don't know how (or why) he does it, seriously.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by treehouse

T left me a LONG (5 minute!) message (I think he loves leaving messages because I can't interrupt him!) and towards the end he said that maybe instead of working on making the choice to believe I am loved, that we need to back up and maybe I could just admit the possibility that I might be loved. Just to accept that it might be POSSIBLE. I might be able to do that.

He said a lot of stuff about how deserving I am of love, etc. THAT is something that I can't accept.

But I guess I can try to believe that it's POSSIBLE.

I am so lucky that T works so hard with me. I don't know how (or why) he does it, seriously.

Tree- he does it maybe b/c he LOVES you????????

I like his suggestion to you about backing up. Maybe it is jumping ahead to accept love...maybe just entertaining the possiblity of being loved is a do-able place to start
Lots of hugs and LOVE

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by treehouse

We talked about me not feeling loved, and feeling like I don't DESERVE to be loved. Like I am totally, and completely, and utterly unlovable.

I would think that being unlovable would protect you from something, but of course it's easy for me to think that -- I'm not right in the middle of it like you are.

Ugh, it was the most painful session - more painful than anything we have talked about, and that's saying something.

For me at least, actively looking into something that's painful for me is a "cleaner" kind of pain than trying to avoid it and having it ride on my back instead. It seems to wake me up rather than wear me down, for instance. FWIW, tree, in these posts you sound to me like someone who's actively looking...

I told T that I don't believe that T loves me either. I just DON'T. I just CAN'T.

...like that!

I WANT to feel loved. I just can't. So we wondered about why I push love away, and I'm still mulling that over.

And coming up with interesting stuff about it, too, I notice:

Originally Posted by treehouse

... I couldn't let down my guard...if I let her in, she would turn around and hurt me for SURE. It was easier to not expect or want anything.

T came and sat with me and held my hands and asked me to let myself feel and believe for ONE minute that he loves me.

Geez, that sounds pretty ambitious. I would've thought five seconds might be a good level to start at, and work up from there. What usually comes up for me when I try exercises like that (or affirmations, for that matter) is all the reasons why it's not so for me, and can't be, and mustn't be, and I don't want it to be. Then, when the smoke clears (which usually takes a while) I may start catching glimpses of the possibility that it might be so after all, or that I might have some choice in the matter...

Originally Posted by treehouse

... towards the end he said that maybe instead of working on making the choice to believe I am loved, that we need to back up and maybe I could just admit the possibility that I might be loved. Just to accept that it might be POSSIBLE.

...kind of like that, actually!

Thanks for sharing all this, treehouse -- and would it help if I pretended I didn't love you?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by notme9

I really liked that story about your son. I guess that the beauty is that you have been able to give your children what you didn't have. The cycle is broken and because of you they will never know this type of pain.

Tree - notme9 has brought you something very important - can you look at this thought for a while? A person who can bring that off (and consciously, too, as you have done and are still doing) might be worthy of love, I would say.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by Fool Zero

Geez, that sounds pretty ambitious. I would've thought five seconds might be a good level to start at, and work up from there. What usually comes up for me when I try exercises like that (or affirmations, for that matter) is all the reasons why it's not so for me, and can't be, and mustn't be, and I don't want it to be. Then, when the smoke clears (which usually takes a while) I may start catching glimpses of the possibility that it might be so after all, or that I might have some choice in the matter...

Tree- that sounds like a good suggestion...can you feel that our love might possibly be possible or the possible love of anyone for 1 second. And take it from there?

[peaches100]

(((((Tree)))))

I know where you're coming from. I have the same problem myself. I just don't feel worthy of being loved. I have a hard time taking in any kind of praise. It's like i just can't accept that i'm lovable or even that i did a good job at something. When somebody compliments me, it just bounces right off. i can't feel anything. It can't get inside me where i can accept it and feel on some level that it is true. And that's so painful because I WANT to believe i am lovable. But i don't know HOW to believe it. It's like i'm in some kind of armor where nothing gets in. It feels so ALONE, even when somebody is sitting right next to me saying how much they care.

I think alot of us have this problem, and it's a painful, painful thing to acknowledge and sit with, to let ourselves feel this emptiness and self-lack. Somehow, we've come to believe we have an inner core of badness or are just plain invisible, empty, worthless, and unlovable. Something deep inside our psyche won't "allow" us to believe otherwise, won't "allow" us to take in loving feelings from others.

OR. . .we've been hurt so many times in the past by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with someone, to believe they loved us, to take in the good loving feelings, and then were hurt, betrayed, used, abused, or abandoned. So now our armor is so dang thick NO loving feelings from anyone can get in.

I don't know what the most painful part of this is. . .going through life in armor with a deadened heart. . .or the pain it takes to heal. Healing means we have to understand why and how we ever came to believe we were unlovable and unworthy. And to do that, we usually have to go back into the most painful parts of our past, parts that some of us have been running from for years or decades.

Tree, I know you are in alot of pain right now, but you are making good strides in your therapy and your awareness. Just keep putting one foot slowly in front of the other.

[Melbadaze]

What I wonder as I read the posts of T's gestures of hugs and proclaimations of I love you, is, is that what we're really needing as adults? I'm not sure, I know for me a hug and an I love you, though initially wonderful feeling, and perhaps thats enought I'm not sure, but I wonder as we lie at night alone under the moon, do we doubt the sincerety? Perhaps its more that we really are struggling with the parts of us that feel unlovable and we want that seen and validated, we want someone to say, I've seen parts of you that we all have that we'd rather not see, and yes I still care for you? I know for myself, this is true, and perhaps I'm alone in this. Its containment and acceptence of my shadow side that feels the most reasuring, I'm always left wondering when "supportive" people online have reasure me that I am loved that they are there for me, I just dont buy into it. I dont' know what I'm trying to say here, I dunno like in T today I mentioned how I struggle with the monster side of me, how I feel I am capable of evil and incapable of ever truely loving, I think I was looking for reasurance that I am capable of loving, but T said, "Perhaps your both those things", at first I wanted to run away from that, but it became reasuring once I had faced the fact that as humans we are capable of both, and that T was't trying to deny this or tell me "oh of course your not evil, your wonderful, I love you, she was brave enought to be there with me in my fears, and then it gave me the ablity to sit back and see, yes I am capable of evil and yes somedays I'm a ***** as much as the next person, but it didnt weight heavy, because T had normalised it and taken away the "saint" quality I was looking for and brought me down to earth with all the other struggling humans. Does this make sense? If she has just gone along with the "of course your lovable", I would stil have had in the shadows the fear that there are days I'm not and it felt ok, it felt more in my control, not so split of from me.

[rainbow8]

(((((tree)))))

I understand the difficulty with accepting that you're lovable. Even if I tell you that you are because it comes through SO clear in this forum, you probably wouldn't believe me. I wonder if I'm lovable too. I'm also learning how to love others and express that love, which is hard for me.

I think melba, you have a point. Maybe it is true that many of us don't think we are lovable because we know parts of us aren't. We wonder if people would love us if they KNEW the truth about us, that we have dark, flawed parts that no one would love. We think.

But, we love others who are imperfect, don't we? If they are lovable, then so are we. We can be lovable even if parts of us are not, just like we can see parts we don't like in others, but we still love them. It puts the pressure off of us for our "unlovable parts" to be loved, too. I think your T has a very helpful way of looking at something that should be obvious to us, but isn't. Thank you for sharing that.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I wish I knew what the fear is.

I think part of it is...cognitive dissonance. Like, if someone loves me, then I am lovable, and that is something I cannot accept or understand. It completely shakes up my view of myself and the world. I can't wrap my mind around it...and I feel that at the very CENTER of me is the feeling of being unlovable...I don't even know how to let it go, and if I did, what would take it's place?

I couldn't let down my guard...if I let her in, she would turn around and hurt me for SURE. It was easier to not expect or want anything. I think I am so scared of being loved because it makes me vulnerable. I feel like I need to protect myself.

More than anything, though, it's the unlovable thing. Like, it feels almost embarrassing to let myself believe that someone could love me...like I would be believing a lie, and people would be laughing at me behind my back.

Very good self awareness and problem solving. Did your mom or anyone else laugh at you or make you feel shameful????

Melba

I totally get what you are saying. And yes, T has seen and accepted the dark parts of me and of my story. He is truly the only person in the world who knows the things that have been done to me, and the things I've done..and the feelings I have...and he still accepts me. In some ways, it feels like his love "counts" more than anyone else's because of that. It does feel good when he gives me a hug, or tells me he cares about me...I don't feel like he's placating me, really. But it just bounces off of me. I can't figure out how to believe in it, or let it in. It sounds so ridiculous, but I just can't do it.

It seems like maybe I'm in the middle of a very very slow process. It takes me a LONG time to absorb the things T says and the questions he asks and my response to the questions. It took me 2 years to be able to recognize and verbalize this feeling of unworth that I have. Maybe things are changing, but slowly??

Ack, I don't know.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by treehouse

He is truly the only person in the world who knows the things that have been done to me, and the things I've done..and the feelings I have...and he still accepts me. In some ways, it feels like his love "counts" more than anyone else's because of that. It does feel good when he gives me a hug, or tells me he cares about me...I don't feel like he's placating me, really. But it just bounces off of me. I can't figure out how to believe in it, or let it in. It sounds so ridiculous, but I just can't do it.

You know what Tree, I get it. You dont give to him, there is no reason he should love you for what you do for him. But he know the "inner tree" and still loves you. But you feel it is IMPOSSIBLE that he knows all that and loves Tree. It just doesnt feel real. Does it feel like a big brick wall between you and the sentence "I love you" ???? That is how I feel, too. How to break through that wall.........