[hangingon]

Had session with my T last night and it started off very easy. I talked about school, things going on with my siblings couple health scares ect..
Then she asked how I have been feeling during the week. I said to be honest, I have been overwhelmed at times out of no where. That I can't figure out if it's because I just started back to school, or the stress of family dynamics ect.

Then I told her that the family issue really hit hard, as I just registered for graduation, that this is really almost over. We had our first capping and pinning meeting (I'm a nursing student) the day of my therapy appt, and I told my T that things really hit when they were talking about inviting family. I told her it took everything in me not to cry in the meeting because I don't have my mom (she passed last year) and I would never invite my dad, who also disappeared out of my life when my mom passed and who has totally went off the deep end. I can't even bare to see him right now, all the past issues are springing up, as he was one of my abusers. I just feel really, really alone lately, shared that with her as well.

She said what makes it feel sad. I said, because I don't have them there to support me, I don't have them. It would be nice to have someone there. She said maybe you want someone to be proud of you, ugh...she was right that too, I do want that. I said I am not a kid anymore but I am still young and to not have my parents around, to not have that support, it's really hard. The crazy thing is they were not supportive, although I know my mom would have been so proud of me finishing. I started crying a little talking about this stuff.

Then somehow we landed on childhood stuff and I let a few more things out. Then asking the question "why", why would my mom allow me to sleep over a single mans home when I was just 8 years old, where was her mind in all of that. My T said there is really no excuse, no excuse as to why she let those things happen, but they did and she was sorry. At this point, I couldn't hear what she was saying, she was talking and my mind was going to things that were very uncomfortable as a child. She asked what I was thinking and I shared some but couldn't go into some of it.

Then I said, I really don't remember a lot, and my younger sister remembers so much; I just don't understand how that could be. She said, do you want to know? I said sometimes I do but them I am scared to death of what will surface because of what I do remember already. Told her of a few things that surfaced since we started talking about things. She said, sometimes memories do surface, and often times it happens when your mind is ready. She said, it may seem more overwhelming lately because you are finally starting to accept this stuff and you denied it for years as part of a defense.

I really started crying talking about this but only a short while and shut myself down. She looked at me and said is there anything I can do to help you (when I was crying), I said no. I mean what could I really ask for? I said I need to cry more but don't want to. She said thats because you are not ready to let it all flow yet, you will be one day.

She was saying that maybe I just needed a safe place to do it, that maybe therapy can be that place where I allow myself to let go. Thats still really hard for me.

I told her I have really been having a hard time sleeping that I am considering asking my doctor for something to help me sleep but I have never taken meds for anything before and am kind of nervous about it. She actually encouraged me to really think about it, she said you really don't have to try to be some super hero, that sometimes people just need it for awhile and with your school almost ending ect, you have alot going on. Even equated some of the anxiety to the fact that I will be turning another page in history (finishing college this December) and that change can be scary.

She said, can you leave all of this here with me in this room before you go. I said, I wish it was that easy, that I really need to learn how to do that. I said it will probably all hit me in bed alone tonight. (and yep it did)

It was a really hard session but good, seems when I am more vulnerable even though I feel far away, I feel closer, I don't quite get that yet. Maybe I sense her being more present then, even though I may not be.

In the end, she gave me a really big hug, told me that I should be really proud of myself for sharing what I did, that I shared a lot that session.

I was really overwhelmed when I got home though, lots of anxiety but am feeling better today, of course it was a really busy day though.

Anyways, just wanted to share that experience. Guess I am slowly learning how to be a little more vulnerable. It's so stinking hard though. Things have definately been much more overwhelming lately, I think that is what caused me to let some out, sometimes it just gets to be so much.

[BlueMoon6]

((((((Hangingon))))) You are amazing and are working so very veryhard with your t and allowing yourself to be vulnerable like that. I am glad you are getting into the childhood stuff. I also dont understand why my (and your) mother didnt have any foresight to protect her child. You are sharing really hard stuff and it seems to me you are exaclty where you need to be.

How very hard not to have a supportive person there with you at this time for school and upcoming graduation. Is there anyone at all that can come and be "family" for you in december?

hangingon

I'm very sorry you're experiencing that sadness about having no family there for you as you graduate. I think it's so important that you shared all that with your T. I hope that pain lessens for you!

Just from reading your description of your session, I really like how you and your T interact, and especially T's responses to your hard questions as you're trying to understand everything going on.

Then I said, I really don't remember a lot, and my younger sister remembers so much; I just don't understand how that could be. She said, do you want to know? I said sometimes I do but them I am scared to death of what will surface because of what I do remember already. Told her of a few things that surfaced since we started talking about things. She said, sometimes memories do surface, and often times it happens when your mind is ready. She said, it may seem more overwhelming lately because you are finally starting to accept this stuff and you denied it for years as part of a defense.

This is very interesting to me - I recently had a couple of flashbacks about childhood, some unpleasant memories involving my mother paddling me and pulling my hair. I told T about them this week and asked how do I know that they're real? T didn't really answer, she wanted to hear the memories, but she validated my feelings that came from the flashbacks, because those feelings were real, regardless of whether the flashbacks were real or not. I also lived in denial about some aspects of my childhood, and it's all starting to come into focus in my mind now - it's definitely overwhelming!

I said I need to cry more but don't want to. She said thats because you are not ready to let it all flow yet, you will be one day.

She was saying that maybe I just needed a safe place to do it, that maybe therapy can be that place where I allow myself to let go. Thats still really hard for me.

Oh, can I ever related to needing to cry more but not wanting to do it in front of T yet! I'm working on letting myself feel safe enough in therapy to do just that - baby steps!

Take care of yourself!

[crystalrose]

you were very brave to share all that with us and your T. Your T sounds really lovely and caring and thats what you need when you going through all this stuff. I was thinking that maybe you could ask T to attend your graduation with you. My T has attended things with me before. Just an idea. Keep going with all your support.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by dreamseeker9

I recently had a couple of flashbacks about childhood, some unpleasant memories involving my mother paddling me and pulling my hair. I told T about them this week and asked how do I know that they're real? T didn't really answer, she wanted to hear the memories, but she validated my feelings that came from the flashbacks, because those feelings were real, regardless of whether the flashbacks were real or not. I also lived in denial about some aspects of my childhood, and it's all starting to come into focus in my mind now - it's definitely overwhelming!

Dream- It is overwhelming but great that you are able to access some memories now. But how can it not be real? Do you mean in the sense that they were fuzzy to you? I have had flashbacks and they are very powerful and I feel as if I am there. Some csa memories I have seem a little fuzzy. I asked my t once about that fuzziness and I said it seems as if it could be my imagination. But I know for sure that it is real and not my imagination. She said to me, "Could it be your imagination?" I felt like she didnt believe me and that partiucular memory/incident I never brought up again.

(((((((((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))))))))))) Your T is right...you definitely should be proud of yourself for letting yourself be vulnerable and opening up. That's how we heal. You are doing such good work

((((((((((((clk))))))))))) I hate that your T sounded like she was questioning the truth of your memory. I asked T once if he believed me, and he said that he has never had a shred of doubt in his mind, ever, about what happened to me. How could I talk about it otherwise? I'm sorry.

[sunrise]

That sounds like a wonderful session, hangingon. And your T sounds wonderful--very committed to creating a safe space for you and not pushing.

Originally Posted by hangingon

I am scared to death of what will surface because of what I do remember already. Told her of a few things that surfaced since we started talking about things. She said, sometimes memories do surface, and often times it happens when your mind is ready.

I experienced something similar. When we first started doing trauma work, I recalled a lot of things out of the blue, things I hadn't remembered for many years, maybe even since they happened. T told me it is common when people begin this sort of work and are ready to be healed (and feel safe), the memories just line up, one by one, waiting to be processed. He was very trusting of me and the process--that those memories were coming up in me for a reason, and he would help me work through them. He followed my lead and the memories I brought to him each time. Sometimes the things I recalled seemed to have no relation to anything, but it turned out later it all made sense. T was good at helping me to trust in the process and trust in my inner voice. It sounds to me like your T is also very trusting of you and comfortable with the process and willing to work with it. She sounds really great.

Oh, and congratulations on the capping! You are almost done--then a new chapter begins.

Originally Posted by clk6

Dream- It is overwhelming but great that you are able to access some memories now. But how can it not be real? Do you mean in the sense that they were fuzzy to you? I have had flashbacks and they are very powerful and I feel as if I am there. Some csa memories I have seem a little fuzzy. I asked my t once about that fuzziness and I said it seems as if it could be my imagination. But I know for sure that it is real and not my imagination. She said to me, "Could it be your imagination?" I felt like she didnt believe me and that partiucular memory/incident I never brought up again.

clk, that's awful that your T asked if it could be your imagination. Even though my T didn't outright answer my question of "are they real", she showed me that my feelings were real just by wanting to know more - at one point, she even got this very quick horrified look on her face at what I was describing, very unusual for my T, and then she recomposed herself.

The reason I didn't know if they were real or not is because they came to me just as I was about to fall asleep, and each flashback wasn't tied to anything else - like I could see the scene, but I had no idea what happened before or after, or exactly how old I was. It's hard to describe. But I do remember how my mother's voice sounded when she yelled at me in one of the flashbacks, so I think at least one of them is real.

Sorry, hangingon - don't want to hijack your thread, I'll stop there.

[coconut64]

(((((((((((((hanginon))))))))))))) you're doing great work I don't have any memories from before age 10. T says that as we talk about what I remember, new memories will surface. Not necessary as memories per se, but as feelings. Who knows, I'm not sure I want to remember either. I give my brain credit from protecting me from a lot of pain.

[hangingon]

Blue moon,

Thank you, I'm trying to get some of this out in therapy but it really is difficult. I guess I'm learning a little at a time to let some out.

As far as graduation, I do have a couple of siblings who I will invite. I love them, just don't see them much anymore since our mom's death. The family dynamics have really changed since then, my mom always planned everything as far as get togethers, now we don't do that much. They all have children, so I know they are really busy with life. Maybe thats what makes me feel alone in a sense.I am not married, nor do I have children so when I lost my mom it was huge for me. They miss her a ton too but I think it was easier for them because they have their own family, if that makes sense.

Dreamseeker,
The memory stuff is really interesting. Some of the things that came back, it's as if they happened yesterday. I could completely remember the surroundings ect. Other memories are the start of something but they doesn't finish, sort of clips of things in which I was feeling very uncomfortable. And of course some memories that were always there since I was a child. The mind is an interesting thing, thats all I can say.

I am glad you are sharing things you are recalling as well. I never asked my T if she thought they were true or not. I have questioned the memories that I have never forgotten since childhood, they too are the start of something bad about to happen but then I can't remember what happens, there are only some with complete detail. Perhaps some were just to painful so I blocked them out.

Crystal Rose,
Yeah my T is really kind and sensitive when I share these things. I still don't know how to tell her what I need or would like when she asks though. Maybe one of these days. Thanks for your suggestion of maybe asking her to attend my graduation. Not sure if that would violate some boundary but one day if I get the nerve I may just hint around to it. Of course, I'd be pretty nervous about asking at the thought of hearing no, and then feeling stupid for asking . We shall see!

Treehouse,
Thank you, guess I was glad that I let some out, can't say I'm proud of myself just yet but I am getting better at allowing myself to be somewhat vulnerable. I think my T helps with that some.

In Session, my T asked if there was anything I wanted her to coax me with, because sometimes I will email her and say I need to talk about this but will need some coaxing. Anyways, I said no. Then I said to my T, is there anything you want to ask me, or have been wanting to ask me lol.....She said nope! Honestly, she could ask me anything she wants and I would do my best to be completely honest with her.

Sunrise,
Thanks It is really interesting how some memories come back. It definately has really only happened since I started sharing things. Ini fact thats when I started to have nightmares again as well. For years, I barely ever remembered dreaming. I do believe my unconscious, (or is that subconscious) has a lot to do with holding some of these memories. I don't worry so much about remembering things, if they come they come, but I do fear what may surface sometimes. It's good that you had a good T who helped you process yours as well. Sometimes it can be scary.

Thanks about graduation as well.....new page but a little frightening lol....

Dreamseeker,
It's totally fine, I don't mind you hijacking at all !! I find myself hijacking people's posts as well! Sometimes someone says something and things just flow

Coconut,
I don't have very many memories before the age of 10 either, only a few really bad ones. I can barely remember a good one before that time. Some of the ones that have surfaced were of course before age 10.

I also attributed my mind to protecting me in such a way. If it didn't where would we be today.....I'm thankful it did what it had to. Now it's doing what it wants lol....ok maybe I am just becoming more accepting of things. Scary thought....... Especially because I have a huge need to be in control.....

Thank you all again for your kind words and shared experiences

[BlueMoon6]

Its very interesting to me this conversation and the way memories return. I agree that my mind has protected me for many years from pain. It did what it had todo to get me through my childhood.But the cost has been huge. The memories and feelings are still there. I believe it comes out in things like food, SI and difficulty being present. And in my relationships. I had virtually no memories of my childhood before I started with my current t. I was able to access a number of things that were painful. It wasnt even obvious to me that I should have told someone about things that happened to me. Or that what happened with my previous t was inappropriate. But there are so many feelings left. I suppose not all of it needs to be remembered to heal, but I am far from healed. I still have a need to control the pain or I am afraid I will fall apart. I need someplace to fall apart and be put back together. And to know I'll be OK. I dont really believe that yet.

My t asking me if maybe it was my imagination (I said that to her first) made me believe she had been thinking that. I think I brought up a csa memory only once after that. But not that particular thing. It makes me wonder if another t might have the same reaction and I dont want to ask someone if they believe me. I have some reservations about bringing this stuff up.

Oh, and I also have memories at these strange times. In the moments before I fall asleep, while exercising on the treadmill (Ive cut this out lately), in the shower, while driving etc. Maybe it has to do with my mind being more open at those moments.

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I also have memories at these strange times. In the moments before I fall asleep, while exercising on the treadmill (Ive cut this out lately), in the shower, while driving etc. Maybe it has to do with my mind being more open at those moments.

BlueMoon (love the new name, BTW!), I have also had memories come to me right before I fall asleep. And I've had some really big insights when I've been driving and while walking my dog - very interesting!

The memory stuff is really interesting. Some of the things that came back, it's as if they happened yesterday. I could completely remember the surroundings ect. Other memories are the start of something but they doesn't finish, sort of clips of things in which I was feeling very uncomfortable. And of course some memories that were always there since I was a child. The mind is an interesting thing, thats all I can say.

I am glad you are sharing things you are recalling as well. I never asked my T if she thought they were true or not. I have questioned the memories that I have never forgotten since childhood, they too are the start of something bad about to happen but then I can't remember what happens, there are only some with complete detail. Perhaps some were just to painful so I blocked them out.

Hangingon, I had one memory where I could see the room and the curtains on the windows, the color of the carpet, all that. And then the other memory was very fuzzy, just a snippet of something. I have also shared with T a few things that I don't remember, and I was old enough that I should remember them (12 and 16) - in one, I remember what happened right before the thing that I should remember but don't. In another, my brother remembered it and told me about it - I drove my brother and his friend somewhere without asking my mother. I had just gotten my driver's license. My brother's friend had a sibling who had died. According to my brother, my mother tore into me and asked if I wanted that kid's parents to lose another child. I barely recall driving them, but I don't recall my mother yelling at me at all. So yes, maybe it was too painful, and I blocked it out.

[BlueMoon6]

Dream- as I am reading your post I realized I have memories little by little of csa but memories of verbal/physical abuse by my mother is almost non-existant. I have a few memories but I dont remember anything at all really. I do remember my reaction at times, tantrums, hiding and hurting myself, but what triggered the behavior I dont remember. I also do not connect those things I did with any particular event. That will be very difficult for me to access. I know there is a lot there but I will have to feel safe and comfortable enough to just talk and talk. What happens if it comes up and I feel so horrible that I want to SI or stop eating. As Im writing this it makes me feel like that already. How can I work on it? Its too much.

[Brightheart]

The odd thing for me was spending my entire life thinking that I hadn't really been affected by some things that had happened to me as a young girl and then finding out just how much it had affected me. We weren't even discussing any of what had happened but then all of a sudden there it was and I had to tell him. I think sometimes it becomes a defense to bury all of these painful feelings. During therapy it's as if everything starts unraveling as you begin to loosen up with your T. But it's a slow process and you have to take your own pace with it. Too much too quickly may be just that. It sounds like you're moving in the right direction and that your T is supportive and guiding you along the way.

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

How can I work on it? Its too much.

It DOES feel like too much. But it's not too much. T sometimes reminds me that I already survived all of this stuff, and that it's NOT HAPPENING NOW. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around sometimes, but of course, he's right. And somehow knowing that I survived it already makes it a *little* easier sometimes. It at least makes me feel like I'm not going to just die, which is honestly something I'm scared of a lot of the time, because the feelings are just so overwhelming.

I think to work on it, we need a really safe place, and we need time. It's really important to try to work at a pace where we don't get overwhelmed, and for me, the only way to do that, is knowing that there's no "time limit"..it can take as long as it takes to get through everything. For a REALLY long time in therapy - like over a year - when we talked about anything trauma related, it was SO overwhelming to me. So we could talk about one detail (like "he had a red shirt") in a session and that was IT - the feelings were so, so, so big, and that's all I could handle. The rest of the session would just be feelings, and containing the feelings so I wouldn't be overwhelmed in real life.

For me, when I look at everything at once - I have to work on ALL THIS STUFF! - it seems impossible and overwhelming. But when I can be gentle with myself, and trust the process, and believe that T will be there for me for as long as I need him, and just look at the step in front of me instead of the whole marathon that lies before me, it feels a little less overwhelming.

to you

[lifelesstraveled]

((((Hangingon)))))

So proud of you! You are doing GREAT in therapy and making so much progress. Being vulnerable is HARD and I have yet to allow myself to really get to that point...it's like I have this brick wall up layered in high voltage electricity and barbed wire.

And congrats on the capping! It's scarey to realize you are almost done but it's also a good thing. You have accomplished a lot and you will reap the rewards of your hard work.

Hanging on, first of all (((((((((((((((Hangingon)))))))))))))

I get that feeling I think. A year ago I was inducted into Psi Chi and we were to invite our family. Well since I am an older student, it would have been my husband and kids. Well on the same day our local baseball championship game was to be played. I knew how much my DH and kids wanted to go to this, so I said it was okay for them not to come. It really didn't feel like such a big deal until when I got there and realized I was the only one without anyone. That triggered back to in high school on senior night, I was the only one without any parents. They were alive, but didn't care.
It feels so hurtful and feels like for me abandonment. I would come and see you if I could!
Congrats by the way! :-)

[BlueMoon6]

((((((Exotic Flower ))))))) I wish I could have been there for you too......

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by treehouse

It DOES feel like too much. But it's not too much. T sometimes reminds me that I already survived all of this stuff, and that it's NOT HAPPENING NOW. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around sometimes, but of course, he's right. And somehow knowing that I survived it already makes it a *little* easier sometimes. It at least makes me feel like I'm not going to just die, which is honestly something I'm scared of a lot of the time, because the feelings are just so overwhelming.

That is a thought that makes it easier. Even tho in my mind when I go back it very much feels like it is happening now. And the feelings are overwhelming. I go back to that time when I wasnt cared about and I feel nothing but worthless. Worthless to the point of feeling like, "How dare I work on myself, who do I think I am, no one cares, what makes you think anyone would care about YOU."

Originally Posted by Treehouse

I think to work on it, we need a really safe place, and we need time. It's really important to try to work at a pace where we don't get overwhelmed, and for me, the only way to do that, is knowing that there's no "time limit"..it can take as long as it takes to get through everything. For a REALLY long time in therapy - like over a year - when we talked about anything trauma related, it was SO overwhelming to me. So we could talk about one detail (like "he had a red shirt") in a session and that was IT - the feelings were so, so, so big, and that's all I could handle. The rest of the session would just be feelings, and containing the feelings so I wouldn't be overwhelmed in real life.

Im glad you told me this. What slowly looks like. I am hoping to find a therapist that understands that.
How did you contain the feelings so you wouldnt be overwhelmed in real life?

Originally Posted by Treehouse

For me, when I look at everything at once - I have to work on ALL THIS STUFF! - it seems impossible and overwhelming. But when I can be gentle with myself, and trust the process, and believe that T will be there for me for as long as I need him, and just look at the step in front of me instead of the whole marathon that lies before me, it feels a little less overwhelming.

This is so helpful. To be gentle, trust the process, that I (and all of us here) dont have to do anything we cant handle, that it takes one step at a time to run a marathon and that t will be there for as long as I need her. The problem now is that I really DONT trust that she will be there. I cant call her after a session if I feel like the feelings are overwhelming, she would just believe I shouldnt have gone back.
How will I develop trust in a new t? I am afraid it will take me forever and I'll never get to work.....

[hangingon]

Originally Posted by dreamseeker9

Hangingon, I had one memory where I could see the room and the curtains on the windows, the color of the carpet, all that. And then the other memory was very fuzzy, just a snippet of something. I have also shared with T a few things that I don't remember, and I was old enough that I should remember them (12 and 16) - in one, I remember what happened right before the thing that I should remember but don't. In another, my brother remembered it and told me about it - I drove my brother and his friend somewhere without asking my mother. I had just gotten my driver's license. My brother's friend had a sibling who had died. According to my brother, my mother tore into me and asked if I wanted that kid's parents to lose another child. I barely recall driving them, but I don't recall my mother yelling at me at all. So yes, maybe it was too painful, and I blocked it out.

Dreamseeker,
It's interesting how our minds block out certain things. I believe it's because we dissociate as they are happening so as not to remember what was going on because it was too intense for us. It's a defense mechanism but it works.

However, I am finding that mine are not working so well lately. I have been having the hardest time sleeping, either it takes me hours to fall asleep, or I will fall asleep but can't stay asleep. I have no had issues with sleeping in a long time. I attribute some of this to the deeper work I am starting to do in therapy. Yet, I am in my last semester of college and there is alot of stress involved with that as well. Things like this can be very frustrating.
I am also feeling things a lot more lately, more overwhelmed. I am not comfortable with that either. Ah, all these things to work through.

[hangingon]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

Dream- as I am reading your post I realized I have memories little by little of csa but memories of verbal/physical abuse by my mother is almost non-existant. I have a few memories but I dont remember anything at all really. I do remember my reaction at times, tantrums, hiding and hurting myself, but what triggered the behavior I dont remember. I also do not connect those things I did with any particular event. That will be very difficult for me to access. I know there is a lot there but I will have to feel safe and comfortable enough to just talk and talk. What happens if it comes up and I feel so horrible that I want to SI or stop eating. As Im writing this it makes me feel like that already. How can I work on it? Its too much.

Bluemoon,
It's not unusual to not connect feelings with things that have happened. I agree that you really have to feel safe enough to work through these things. It can get very overwhelming. Something my T tells me alot is that she wants me to have total control over what I want to talk about. That I don't have to tell her everything to heal. She also encourages me to tell her if I don't want to talk about something, or if we are talking about something and it gets to overwhelming, she wants me to tell her when I need to stop. She doesn't push it. From the very beginning she encouraged that control. She knew I needed that.

It's working through it slowly at your own pace. The one thing I have really been telling myself lately is that it's not happening now. That these are just the feelings in the moment, and that they will pass, I just have to ride them out. Not always easy to do but the more I practice it the better it feels. I really hope that you find a wonderful therapist soon!
Hang in there.

[hangingon]

Originally Posted by Bether91068

The odd thing for me was spending my entire life thinking that I hadn't really been affected by some things that had happened to me as a young girl and then finding out just how much it had affected me. We weren't even discussing any of what had happened but then all of a sudden there it was and I had to tell him. I think sometimes it becomes a defense to bury all of these painful feelings. During therapy it's as if everything starts unraveling as you begin to loosen up with your T. But it's a slow process and you have to take your own pace with it. Too much too quickly may be just that. It sounds like you're moving in the right direction and that your T is supportive and guiding you along the way.

Bether,
I lived most my life thinking the same thing. It's hard to face the denial that I lived in for so many years, as I am sure it was for you as well. Since starting therapy, I have become so much more self-aware, not totally sure I like that yet because it brings up a lot of painful stuff. I have to keep reminding myself of the end result. That I am doing this hard work now so that I can live a more freeing life.

[hangingon]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

((((Hangingon)))))

So proud of you! You are doing GREAT in therapy and making so much progress. Being vulnerable is HARD and I have yet to allow myself to really get to that point...it's like I have this brick wall up layered in high voltage electricity and barbed wire.

And congrats on the capping! It's scarey to realize you are almost done but it's also a good thing. You have accomplished a lot and you will reap the rewards of your hard work.

Lifelesstraveled,
Thank you !! Believe me, I have a brick wall too, just slowly removing a few bricks here and there and peeking through. It's scary, really scary to be so vulnerable. Just be patient with yourself, there is no time limit.

My T likes to remind me of that, lets me go at my pace. A little bit at a time. Think back to the first time you visited your T, I imagine you can see some changes between then and now. Your still doing the work!

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by hangingon

However, I am finding that mine are not working so well lately. I have been having the hardest time sleeping, either it takes me hours to fall asleep, or I will fall asleep but can't stay asleep. I have no had issues with sleeping in a long time. I attribute some of this to the deeper work I am starting to do in therapy. Yet, I am in my last semester of college and there is alot of stress involved with that as well. Things like this can be very frustrating.
I am also feeling things a lot more lately, more overwhelmed. I am not comfortable with that either. Ah, all these things to work through.

(((((Hangingon))))) It is so difficult. I think the things we work on in therapy have this way of affecting everything else all week long. Please be gentle with yourself. Can your t help you with the things that gbo on after your session during the week?
It is a BIG deal to be graduating form college! It is truly and amazing.Do you know where you will work? Have you thought about it?

Originally Posted by hangingon

The one thing I have really been telling myself lately is that it's not happening now.

This is a really good sentence to keep in mind. Thanks- I hope I find someone soon, too.

[hangingon]

Originally Posted by exoticflower

Hanging on, first of all (((((((((((((((Hangingon)))))))))))))

I get that feeling I think. A year ago I was inducted into Psi Chi and we were to invite our family. Well since I am an older student, it would have been my husband and kids. Well on the same day our local baseball championship game was to be played. I knew how much my DH and kids wanted to go to this, so I said it was okay for them not to come. It really didn't feel like such a big deal until when I got there and realized I was the only one without anyone. That triggered back to in high school on senior night, I was the only one without any parents. They were alive, but didn't care.
It feels so hurtful and feels like for me abandonment. I would come and see you if I could!
Congrats by the way! :-)

Exotic,
I am sorry you had to go alone I imagine it was very painful. I had shared with my T about a time when I had received a reward in elementary school. I remember walking to school myself that night. As I was standing in room, I looked around and saw all of my classmates with their family, and I was there alone. That was the first time I realized that my mom never did those things with me. It was a really sad moment. I was in 4th grade at the time.

I don't recall her ever going to parent teachers meeting's ect. She had her own issues. As a child I didn't know that, as an adult I now recognize that but it doesn't make it much easier just yet.

Congrats on your induction