[hangingon]

Lately I have been going to therapy and feeling like I need to cry and cry, but I don't, I hold it all inside. Sometimes the tears will come but I don't let them flow, I swallow, and hold back really, really hard.

In session this week, just before it was over I felt like I wanted to start balling and just run out of there. The thing is, I really like my T, and she has always been very patient with me. Though sometimes I can imagine how frustrating it must get at times waiting for someone to open up and them not doing it.

She doesn't push me. She is warm and kind. I just don't get it. I did all out cry one time and she was really good about it so I don't know why I hold back so hard from allowing myself to do that again. It's not like I don't trust her.

I realize that I can't even talk about really painful things because everytime I do, I start to feel like I am going to cry and it's like I can't handle that. Like deep down there is this fear that if I really let go, I will lose it, lose control something.

Since I did it once and was able to stop, the reality is, I won't lose control but then the one time I did really cry, I buried my face in the arm of the chair and was sobbing, could barely breath, would'nt look at my T ect....but I stopped, I got myself to stop.

It's frustrating me because its stops me from talking about things that I feel like I really need to talk about. Why does being vulnerable have to be so hard? How do you overcome it?

[writingwithink]

This is a good thread. I look forward to seeing other responses, and I hope that you find relief.

For me, I can’t let go for so many reasons: 1. There’s a part inside of me devoted to maintaining “dignity.” 2. I will not let myself go there until I feel that my therapist is not going to abandon this journey. 3. To do so would open up a vulnerability that I can’t imagine. 4. Just when our father finished beating us, he’d then beat us for crying and wouldn’t stop until our sobs evaporated.

That being said, I understand your feelings of wanting to or needing to release it all and I hope that you will find a way.

Peace to you.

[Confused_1982]

(((((((((((Hangingon))))))))))))

I realize that I can't even talk about really painful things because everytime I do, I start to feel like I am going to cry and it's like I can't handle that. Like deep down there is this fear that if I really let go, I will lose it, lose control something.

I have no idea how to open up and be vulnerable to T wither. I am in the same position, and have been for 18months. I just cant do it. I know T will be there if I let myself cry but the thought of him actually comforting me is terrifying. I dont know how I would handle that.

T has told me he is frustrated with my "avoidance" of nearly everything that requires me to be completely vulnerable. He is also patient and kind, but really at what will I let my guard down and let him in ?? At the same time the thought of him seeing me cry and then leaving me to pick my self up after session is also terrifying.

Sorry I am not much help, but I know just how you feel, and I would be interested to see how others have got over this

[ECHOES]

Lately I have been going to therapy and feeling like I need to cry and cry, but I don't, I hold it all inside.

hangingon, this would be a wonderful way to begin a session.

[VickiesPath]

Therapy is often not only an opportunity to talk about and work through issues but it is the opportunity to "try on" new, sometimes frightening behaviors. For many of us, crying is a sign of weakness or something we've been taught not to do iin front of others. T's know that getting to the point where we feel safe enough to cry in front of them is a slow and painful process and, being only human themselves, it can be frustrating for them. Some of us carry around so much pain that we feel like if we ever once start crying, we might never stop. The safety of T's office makes it very tempting to let down our guard. But would we ever stop crying once we started? Of course we would. But it often doesn't feel that way. It feels like the ultimate vulnerability. But that's a good thing.

[crystalrose]

it took me 3 years with T to cry and it only took 2 sessions with pdoc. I don't know why that is. I think its ok to cry. But i worry about my emotions becoming uncontrollable.

[MissCharlotte]

(Hanginon),

"Letting go" in therapy is a complex topic and how, when and why are all part of the process. You must feel safe in the moment, in the relationship, in the room. You and T must be attuned. It's not like we can (usually) say, "Okay today I'm going to cry."

I think Echoes suggestion of starting a session with this topic is wonderful. Trust yourself and T and don't worry, it will happen when the time is right. Just keep talking about it and the more you understand yourself, the more T will understand you.

[sw628]

Originally Posted by writingwithink

This is a good thread. I look forward to seeing other responses, and I hope that you find relief.

For me, I can’t let go for so many reasons: 1. There’s a part inside of me devoted to maintaining “dignity.” 2. I will not let myself go there until I feel that my therapist is not going to abandon this journey. 3. To do so would open up a vulnerability that I can’t imagine. 4. Just when our father finished beating us, he’d then beat us for crying and wouldn’t stop until our sobs evaporated.

That being said, I understand your feelings of wanting to or needing to release it all and I hope that you will find a way.

Peace to you.

"Just when our father finished beating us, he’d then beat us for crying and wouldn’t stop until our sobs evaporated"

This happened to me and my siblings as well.

(((HUGS)) Hangingon.

Originally Posted by hangingon

Lately I have been going to therapy and feeling like I need to cry and cry, but I don't, I hold it all inside. Sometimes the tears will come but I don't let them flow, I swallow, and hold back really, really hard.

hangingon I've had this happen many, many times in therapy.

In session this week, just before it was over I felt like I wanted to start balling and just run out of there. The thing is, I really like my T, and she has always been very patient with me. Though sometimes I can imagine how frustrating it must get at times waiting for someone to open up and them not doing it.

My T and I have talked so much about why I can't cry in front of T. She sensed that I was frustrated at the end of some sessions, and she thought I might be disappointed in her or myself - it was more that I wouldn't allow myself to be completely open with those emotions in front of T. So don't worry that your T is frustrated, because I'm sure your T is only concerned about you being frustrated.

She doesn't push me. She is warm and kind. I just don't get it. I did all out cry one time and she was really good about it so I don't know why I hold back so hard from allowing myself to do that again. It's not like I don't trust her.

That's great that you trust your T, that's a huge step in feeling comfortable in letting go! And the fact that you already let go once, and T was there for you (that was one of the first posts I read on this board when I first joined, and I was so moved by it) - focus on what it felt like to be comforted by T, go back and read your post on that.

I realize that I can't even talk about really painful things because everytime I do, I start to feel like I am going to cry and it's like I can't handle that. Like deep down there is this fear that if I really let go, I will lose it, lose control something.

Oh, boy - can I relate to this! T would just mention exploring my feelings further, and a wave of fear would wash over me. We talked about it, I realized that it was a fear of the unknown - of what might come up for me if I were open to letting it all out, of how T would react. While T was on vacation, I did some soul-searching and I realized that for some reason, I was very afraid that T would go away, that I would lose her, if I just let go and bawled, or let whatever else come up. So I talked about this with T in our first session back - we came to the realization that I think part of me is horrible, and I don't want T to see that side of me, and I'm afraid she would see that 'ugliness' if I just let go. But then guess what happened later in that same session - I cried for the first time in front of T! And not just a little cry - a 2-tissue cry! T just kept me talking, but I did comment that it was the first time I'd needed Kleenex in there - T said, "Is it? Good for you!" and gave me a big smile. And then in my next session, I cried just a bit, enough to reach for a Kleenex. So something shifted, I think it was constantly talking to T about why I was afraid to cry in front of her, and then the realization that T isn't going anywhere, no matter what - I felt so safe, and I felt like T really took care of me. Of course, that's not to say that I still feel myself holding back on some emotions, but it's a good start. I really think you should talk to your T about your post here, and just see what you both come up with together - you never know where that might lead, but it will be healing.

................

[chaotic13]

Hangingon, I'm STILL struggling with this too. Although last week I had a really open, honest exchange with my T about letting go. This was the first time I shared some really core fears I have about it. This exchange happened via email and some will say doesn't count. I say any way you can let a little bit go is important. For me letting go comes in very little releases. Maybe for you its going to happen in little bits too.

[Brightheart]

Originally Posted by hangingon

Why does being vulnerable have to be so hard? How do you overcome it?

I really think you have to trust yourself, you have to trust your therapist and you have to trust the relationship. Crying in front of another is a very vulnerable act and puts you in a vulnerable position with your therapist. You have to let him/her see you in a weakened state. When the walls come down you have to know that your T will accept you, love you and take care of you. And you have to allow your T to do that. That takes a whole lot of trust. It's also risky knowing that letting go may make you feel closer to your T. That's where trust in the relationship would be important. So I do think that trust is the key. When you feel ready maybe vulnerability will come easier for you.

[BlueMoon6]

You got some really good responses. I think letting go IS one of the most difficult things to do in t b/c iot requires a huge amount of trust. I have cried in therapy with my current t and I felt too vulnerable at times. We never had a conversatgon about it, but it would have been a good idea. I was not comfortable with her respone to me some of the time, and some of the time I felt very soothed and comforted. I think it does depend on how you feel in the moment and if you can trust in that moment and allow your feelings to just flow.

You sound like you have a safe, trusting relationship with your t, and I think if you bring this up, your fears of allowing your feelings to flow freely without holding onto them or pushing them down, you might find you feel even safer with your t than you thought.

[onlymedid]

[hangingon]

Thank you all for your responses, sorry I didn't get back sooner. I have been in a crazy school rush. Lots to do in so little time!

To answer some of your suggestions. I did mention to my T that sometimes I feel like I want to just cry but am afraid to. She said, does it feel like if you do it will never stop. I said yes thats a big reason. She then referred me back to the time that I did let alot of tears out once and how I was able to stop. I said yeah your right about that.

Still, I haven't really let it all go yet, even then I stopped myself. She mentioned to me 2 weeks ago that when I am ready it will happen. So she is probably right about that. I did tell her in an email last week that near the end of the session I felt like I wanted to start balling and run out the door. So maybe this week we will address that some.

My dad was also abusive and would make fun of me if I cried. So I often did it alone in my room. I think he got pleasure in making me cry, he often would provoke me to. That would frustrate me so much. I remember trying hard not to cry when he would hit me so as not to give him that satisfaction but then he would hit me harder until I cried.

I think deep down that if I cry it will give my T satisfaction; the satisfaction that I am finally opening up in front of her and somehow I don't like that thought. Is that crazy or what? What's wrong with letting her feel like she is doing a good job? Maybe this is just all intertwined with not wanting to because of the way my dad made me feel. That and the I'm a big girl and I don't need anyone, I can take care of myself Which I know deep down is not true, we all need someone.

Originally Posted by hangingon

I think deep down that if I cry it will give my T satisfaction; the satisfaction that I am finally opening up in front of her and somehow I don't like that thought. Is that crazy or what? What's wrong with letting her feel like she is doing a good job? Maybe this is just all intertwined with not wanting to because of the way my dad made me feel. That and the I'm a big girl and I don't need anyone, I can take care of myself Which I know deep down is not true, we all need someone.

hangingon

When I cried in front of T, she didn't even acknowledge that I was crying, until I reached for a tissue - then she practically jumped out of her chair to hand me the box of Kleenex. And then when I acknowledged that it was my first time crying in therapy, in front of her, she didn't make a big deal out of it, but gave me such a warm smile - I don't know if she got any satisfaction out of it, but I did! Of course, I also stopped myself, so that censor is still in place. Today, part of me feels like going into T's office and just crying with her, but intellectually, I don't want to waste that time because I feel like I have so much to go over with T. We like to stand in our own way to healing, don't we?

I can really relate to that feeling of being self-reliant, but I also have that need to be comforted - how to balance them both? I'll let you know if I ever figure it out.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by hangingon

I think deep down that if I cry it will give my T satisfaction; the satisfaction that I am finally opening up in front of her and somehow I don't like that thought. Is that crazy or what?

Hmmmm.... maybe it IS crazy but I'm like that too.
In an email exchange with my T last week I was talking about being nervous about possibly "losing it" during another appointment I had scheduled. She was like, 'is THAT what your really worried about?' "What's the big deal? What's the worst that can happen? The person is a professional? blah, blah, blah... I replied with... YES!!!! having my inner child uncontrollably babble about stuff that may or may not have happened, becoming paralyzed and of course totally bawling all ranked very high on the anxiety scale for me. It's clear these are key therapy fears too. I even made another statement admitting that I don't want anyone to be able to do that to me and know they can do it.

I KNOW I am being totally irrational and paranoid but for some reason I have this belief that if someone knows that they can upset, emotionally destabilize you, or and make you actually cry in front of them... that they then have some invisible power over you and they will use it maliciously! Writing it, it sound totally ridiculous but for some reason my body just does not allow me to just let go and cry in front of other people.

[cmac13]

I too have difficulty expressing my sadness in therapy. I have cried a few times (all out crying) but there are many times I hold it all in. My therapist is very patient and let's me know it is safe to let the feelings out with her. I do know that if I am vulnerable and I ask her to hug me at the end of a session sometimes her holding me close and talking to me allows me to feel safe and I am able to cry. The release of those sad feelings is something I need to allow myself to do.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by hangingon

My dad was also abusive and would make fun of me if I cried. So I often did it alone in my room. I think he got pleasure in making me cry, he often would provoke me to. That would frustrate me so much. I remember trying hard not to cry when he would hit me so as not to give him that satisfaction but then he would hit me harder until I cried.

I think deep down that if I cry it will give my T satisfaction; the satisfaction that I am finally opening up in front of her and somehow I don't like that thought. Is that crazy or what? What's wrong with letting her feel like she is doing a good job? Maybe this is just all intertwined with not wanting to because of the way my dad made me feel. That and the I'm a big girl and I don't need anyone, I can take care of myself Which I know deep down is not true, we all need someone.

(((((hangingon)))))

The thing about giving t satisfaction if you cry sounds like such sad childhood pain. Did you tell your t what you just wrote here?

I also felt like I didnt want to cry in my house growing up so I did in my room or in my closet. I didnt want to be seen as vulnerable either. I would really "get it" if I seemed vulnerable. There was no mercy in my house either. No one cared about anyone elses feelings or had compassion.

I think it would be a really good thing to bring up. It could lead to opening up feelings about your family and father. Id like to do that too.

(((((hangingon)))) You so deserve gentleness and to be allowed to feel and express those feelings. You are a wonderful, lovable person and you always say the most compassionate and caring things to people here. It makes me angry and also sad that you were treated that way by your father.

[rainbow8]

I've been in therapy for about 15 yrs. off and on, and NEVER cried once! I always wished that I could. My family is reserved and I grew up not learning how to express my feelings. I so much wished I could cry in therapy. My T said t hat I did not have to cry for therapy to be effective. I used to cry when I left the session and at home.

I think it's about being vulnerable and not feeling comfortable having my T see me that way. But I let her see me being vulnerable in other ways. With me, it's also something about not being comfortable with physiology--physical stuff coming from me.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by hangingon

My dad was also abusive and would make fun of me if I cried. So I often did it alone in my room. I think he got pleasure in making me cry, he often would provoke me to. That would frustrate me so much. I remember trying hard not to cry when he would hit me so as not to give him that satisfaction but then he would hit me harder until I cried.

Yes, I experienced this too (mostly with my mother). I do cry with my T but it has been hard to get over the feeling that he will laugh at me, and I have found crying at times to be profoundly embarassing. I think I am over it mostly, with him. It is actually nice to know that on a gut level, I am not confusing my T with my mother; I am reacting to him as if he is who he is, not as if he is my mother, who would laugh at me or try to hurt me.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I KNOW I am being totally irrational and paranoid but for some reason I have this belief that if someone knows that they can upset, emotionally destabilize you, or and make you actually cry in front of them... that they then have some invisible power over you and they will use it maliciously! Writing it, it sound totally ridiculous

Well, I guess I am ridiculous too. I have thought these same things. For me, it stems from childhood, when if I did let certain people know how I was feeling, they would use that power over me. I did not imagine it. It becomes engrained. In therapy, I work with a T who is consistently not that way and has never abused his power. I like to think this is helping me get over that fear of letting others know how I feel.