It was one of those sessions where I had so much to talk about and we really only scratched the surface. Very frustrating. He could tell I was floundering as I kept going from one thing to the next. He reminded me that if I was able to choose to set aside my "stuff" over vacation, I can choose to set it aside right now. He's right. It's just been back to the real world of work today, and all that "stuff" seems to be nudging its way back in.

Tomorrow he wants both my husband and me to meet with him during his session with our son. I told him that I just don't know if I can talk about what is going on with our son with my son present. I know I have made an incorrect association between my son and my past. That is not at all fair to my son. I'm just having trouble getting beyond that. I'm nervous about tomorrow. I don't want to respond in any way that might hurt my son. I know my t will be watching for that, so he'll help me. I have to trust that.

In talking about my son, we got into the subject of my CSA. I've recently gotten on Facebook (after being nagged by my oldest son and my nephew). It's great fun. Lots of interaction with family members and people I work with. I've had quite a few schoolmates find me. One of them happens to be the daughter of my perpetrator. She was my best friend growing up, although we were very competitive. Every time I see her name, I see what happened. I keep setting it aside and focusing on the good, but it is difficult work.

My t asked me if she knew what her father did to me. She doesn't. Really no one knows but my t, my pdoc, and my husband. T asked me why I didn't tell my parents. Things just got very dark and sad. T could tell we were getting into something we didn't have time for, so he stopped me, he worked to refocus me, he threatened to douse me with water and throw me outside (try staying focused on anything when you're freezing to death). I left anxious, but okay.

I'm worrying about tomorrow. I need to just let it go. What will be will be. I know this is long. I just needed to get it out somehow. Thanks for listening.

[jexa]

farmergirl aghh it is so hard to leave a T session with things unfinished and still reeling in your head. When there is so much to say and so little time, and you just wish you could say it all and deal with it all right then.

I'm glad you are seeing him tomorrow with husband and son. Let us know how it goes ok?

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((( farmergirl )))))) wow the upcoming session sounds very tough, you are so brave! I know I could never do it, but you seem to be a strong person and as you say, you'll have yr T watching out as well to make sure things go okay. Wishing the best for you.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( SAFE HUGS ))))

I certainly can relate to being triggered by reminders of past events. I have one that lives right across the street from me.

And a friend of mine on Facebook is also the one who got me the job with my old boss who also was a perpetrator when I was 14.

So much stimuli....and so hard to deal with.

I know you must be incredibly anxious about your meeting today. Please take care of you. You will make it through this day.

Thank you. We'll see how today's session goes. So far this morning I'm really exhausted. I hate it when I wake up this way. All I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. Avoidance is my middle name I guess.

Good luck today ((((((((((((((((Chris)))))))))))))))))). Your T is very in tune with you, and I feel sure that with your intention to handle the session the way you want to with your son, and T's help, it will be fine.

Let us know how it goes...

Just journalling a bit . . . you may want to skip this . . . nothing new really.



I headed back to school yesterday after a two week vacation. Vacation was a good thing. I found I was able to put all my "stuff" aside and enjoy myself. And I had a lot of "stuff" come up during vacation. My sister is "stuff". My parents are "stuff". Going back to the church I grew up in was "stuff". Driving by the house I grew up in was "stuff". The house across the street from that where I was molested was definitely "stuff". Getting on Facebook was stuff when the daughter of the man that molested me found me was "stuff".

But somehow I was able to gently push all that "stuff" aside. Proud of myself for that.

But I came home. It's harder to keep things set aside now that I'm home. I have to deal with this issue with my son. It sets off a lot of old "stuff". It shouldn't, but I've made connections between what happened with my son and what happened to me, and I'm really triggered by it. Today my tdoc wants to meet with my husband, my son, and me to deal with his issues. I'm dreading this session. I'm afraid that I'll say something that will hurt my son. I'm afraid I won't say anything to my son. I'm afraid I won't even be able to stay in the same room with my son. I'm just stinking afraid.

We sat down and met with t. It was a difficult session. I felt frozen. Unable to move or speak. When it was over, t sent son to the waiting room so he could talk with me and my husband. I started falling apart. T sent husband out so he could help me get it under control. I just feel so much pain right now. I feel like I'm being torn apart. I don't know how I'm going to live through this. I don't know how to do this.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((( chris )))))))

I don't have any wise words but if I could sit here with you for a little while would that help? sorry for your pain.

[moonrise]

(((((Chris)))))) When do you see T next? Any way you could see her sooner? I'm sorry you're in so much pain. From your posts, I can see you're strong, even though you might not feel that way now.

Thank you SAWE and moonrise. I guess that's what I need right now. Just someone to sit with me. I may be able to see him again this afternoon if things line up right. I need to see him. I need help pulling it back together. I just don't know if I can do this. No parent should have to go through this.

[Sannah]

FG, so you are getting really triggered with all of this?

Yes, very triggered. And that has to stop. It isn't right. I've made connections where there really aren't any, but it just won't stop. I'll see t this afternoon. He knows what's going on. But I want this whole situation to go away, and I know it won't go away. We're going to have to live through this. I just don't know how I'll be able to come out on the other side. It is too painful.

[Sannah]

Why isn't getting triggered right? It is natural....... Your subconscious is making connections and your subconscious is never wrong.

But the connection isn't real. It isn't at all. It's a mistake and I know it. I just can't break that bridge between the two events, and I really need to. It isn't a valid connection, and it's very unfair to my son and damaging to our relationship. I've got to get that out of my head and get real about this.

[Sannah]

I can see what you are saying. You are a good mom to want to protect your son FG. But you know what, you are human and you have needs and no matter how much you try to deny this is will still be the truth. It is okay that you are triggered. Your son will be okay. You all will work through this. Your fighting this might just be making it worse?

I saw my t this afternoon. He really impressed on me the need to hold it together for my son right now. If anything happens to me right now, he's going to end up bearing the brunt of it from misplaced guilt. I know that. Easier said than done of course. This is advanced parenting we're going through. None of that beginner stuff for us. T said he'd call my pdoc and talk to him about what is going on, kind of a heads up. I see pdoc tomorrow. He may make some med adjustments/additions to help me get through this stress without imploding.

I'm really stuggling. T knows that. He wishes he could make it feel better, but he can't. We're going to have to walk through the fire on this one. I'm terrified. I don't want to think about what is going on right now. All I keep thinking about is my d*mned past. The future is terrifying. I just don't want to think. I don't want to feel. I want to disappear.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( CHRIS ))))

I feel awful that you are going through this. I wish I could be there to help you, to take it all away...Know that you are cared for here and that you WILL get through this. You WILL. NO DOUBT.

Yes, you need to pull yourself together for your son, so that he does not suffer unnecessarily.

But at the same time, you need to take care of you. Have you been able to work out an "escape plan" when you feel triggery and your son is around? A way to deal with your pain and your emotions without him being involved?

What you're going through seems so awful and hard....I hate this for you. I really REALLY do.

My sister just emailed me. She had breast cancer about 2 years ago and went through chemotherapy. Now she has a condition called MDS as a result which will most likely convert to leukemia. They are going to start working her up for a bone marrow transplant. She says I will be first on the list to test to be a donor as my other sister has also had breast cancer and cannot be a donor.

This is my sisters 4th fight with cancer. I'm afraid this will be the end for her.

Life is completely cruel.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

My sister just emailed me. She had breast cancer about 2 years ago and went through chemotherapy. Now she has a condition called MDS as a result which will most likely convert to leukemia. They are going to start working her up for a bone marrow transplant. She says I will be first on the list to test to be a donor as my other sister has also had breast cancer and cannot be a donor.

This is my sisters 4th fight with cancer. I'm afraid this will be the end for her.

Life is completely cruel.

Oh, Chris, I am so sorry to hear about your sister. With everything that you're going through, it's hard for something so big to be added to the pile.

Farmergirl

I don't even know what to say that can help you right now, other than I care and I am thinking about you and know you can get through this....no matter how hard it is. You are a strong amazing person who is in a lot of pain but you are still amazing and strong.

I saw my pdoc yesterday. He talked to me for about half an hour which is long for us. He prescribed some anti-anxiety meds, but I don't know if I'll get them filled. I don't like to have those or sleep meds on hand. He wants to see me again in a couple of weeks. Call him if things get worse obviously.

My t and I played phone tag all day. Finally, late in the evening I called his answering service. I different doctor called me back. He was covering for everyone in the office last night. I told him I didn't want to talk to him. I guess he called me t because t called me a few minutes later. I fussed at him for not calling my pdoc like he said he would, but apparently they had played phone tag all day also. No big deal anyway. I took care of it.

T talked to me for an hour and a half last night. We didn't get off the phone until about midnight. He kept repeating what he's been saying all along. My mind is just reeling and things aren't sinking in. He says I'm a bit crazy thinking right now. I know. Not rational at all. He's trying to get me to focus on my son instead of my old stuff. My history is out of place in the scheme of things right now. I have to make the choice to deal with the here and now and leave my history behind me. It is a choice. I can choose to let the history dominate my life, or I can live my life now. I have to make that decision. Sounds so easy, but it's really hard when I'm having flashbacks. But I can choose what to do with them too. If I put as much effort into feeling good as I do into feeling bad, I'd be doing really well. My past makes me feel bad. I can choose to put the history aside and deal with the present. That will help. It's just such an automatic response to focus on the crap.

I'm having to do for my son what I have never done for myself. Stand up and fight. I'm terrified. T knows that, and he's doing his best to support me. I'm wound up really tight and not allowing myself to think straight.

We talked about my fear of going to sleep at night. I've been staying up really late, not wanting to go to be. I told my pdoc about it yesterday and he said I need to get a handle on that. T thinks, and he may be right, that I'm afraid to go off guard. That if I go to sleep, something bad is going to happen in my house. I'm taking responsibility for the actions and safety of everyone in my house, and that just is completely irrational and making me crazy. T said until I explore that and give it up, I'm going to make myself sicker.

I don't know that much got resolved last night, but he did get me to slow down my thinking a bit. He gave me options in my thought process that I wasn't giving myself. He's good at that.

I see him on Monday. He told me to call him this weekend if I need him. He knows I'm under incredible stress. I try to leave him alone on the weekends, but I will if I need to.

[Sannah]

Hi Chris, how long are you supposed to put your past on hold anyway?

I've been in therapy dealing with my past on and off for over 20 years. It hasn't been on hold. Quite the opposite. It has often taken over my life. Right now, the past has nothing to do with what is going on, but I've made a connection between my past and the present that is, quite frankly, unfair to my son. It is a completely irrational connection. I know that, but still I am letting it be a problem that is interfering with my ability to be fair, supportive, and helpful to my son. I have to break that connection and be the mother I know I can be. Focusing on the crap from the past is only making me crazy. I don't have the choice to be crazy right now. Actually, I do have the choice, but who would make that choice if the alternative is standing strong, with my son, dealing with our reality?

I have to use the skills I have learned to get a handle on my reactions to what is happening and deal with the problem rationally. I have to be the grown up here. If I choose to wallow in the past (once again) when it isn't relavent to what is happening, I will suffer, my family will suffer, and my son will suffer. What way do I want this to go? It IS my choice.

[Sannah]

I don't know if I should keep going with this or just drop it. Can anyone else see what I am saying here? I need some help...........