I guess it's not a good sign....

...when you wake up glad that you're one day closer to death.

I am feeling so defeated at the moment. I hate when I feel this way. I just want to close myself off to the world and wish it would just end.

My T said that he feels that the things I'm currently enduring are a result of improved health. Yet it feels so awful. And today, I just simply cannot face life.

I am too upset. Too depressed. In too much pain. Too unhappy.

I can't deal with this migraine and face an abusive boss, an unrelenting ex, and feel this miserable sinking feeling about my life overall....I don't want to.

I know people can say that it will get better...or that I can change my perspective and be more hopeful. I guess I just don't know how at the moment....I feel so awful.

I am considering canceling my session with T tomorrow. I know people would recommend that I not do that, and that it's times like this that a session would be helpful...Heck, it's what I'd recommend to others! But I just don't want to. I don't feel up to it. I don't want to face life, let alone T.

I know this too shall pass. These feelings will pass. But at the moment, it's where I am. And it's an awful place.

I guess we all have been in a similar state of mind. When you mentioned you want to cancel your T Appt. I called a few years ago to do the same. I told her how I felt. She said I must be avoiding something I do not want to deal with. I ended up going and realized that she and I did not work well together. I was dreading going to see her. This might not be true in your case, but I have noticed that most people who present themselves as you have can't wait until they see T.

MUE, sorry your feeling this way.

MUE, I'm sorry things are so hard right now. Have you told your counselor that you're feeling this way? I know those kinds of conversations are very difficult to have, but that might be a good thing to do. I also know that going to see the counselor is also a difficult thing to contemplate, but I hope you go ahead with your appointment. Sometimes when things are so difficult is just when we need to keep up with our commitments and routines, especially counseling. Thinking of you.

Take care,
ErinBear

Thanks.....

When I'm struggling, I have the hardest time talking to T....I'm embarrassed to be feeling this way, like I'm some pathetic, needy person who chooses to be miserable.

Last week, my T said that I was the definition of resiliency...and that an ordinary person might not get out of bed - but I take steps to not only do what I have to do, but even more. Yet here I am, shutting down. So, I guess I also feel that I'm disappointing him because I'm not the successful, resilient person that I was last week.

Thanks....

I posted a taste of what I'm feeling on the group blog this morning, so I'm sure my T will read it. I have a few hours before the cancellation cut-off to not have to pay for the missed session. At the moment, I haven't decided. Part of me wants to cancel....and the other part of me knows that it'd be better for me to go....Ugh.

oh i have known that feeling...and revelled in it...yup each day puts us one day closer...kind of like suicide with out the fuss ...

thats how i was a few weeks ago...so sad i couldn't even think straight, couldn't even do anything..i';d call to cancel t, she'd call to say no you didn't..if i wasn't so sad it would have been comical. (of course she also sad i could not not if i chose to really not too).

i would go and we would just sit for a while because i was too sad to talk...so many bad memories this year. i worked so hard last year at getting strong i allowed myself to handle the worst of all my memories..the very first ones...and parts of me weren't strong enough yet...and it damn near killed me...and parts of me are still struggling...for many months i couldn't put food in my mouth..only liquids...for a while no words would come out..we did therapy by writing..she talked, i wrote..i lost 60 pounds. i still struggle with the eating thing...altho now i think its more of habit/liking being less fat/memories.

death has always been an option out for me my t knows it..and we have discussed that ..she knows i go right there. she also says it frustrates her that i don't let her in as much as i should. this time i did..let her in right to the depths...and it scared her i think...she suggested hospitalization and i said no..really what would it do..keep me there for a week drug me up and then let me go...not going to make things any better...and she agreed.

my friend just died from the opposite of the slow and non-messy option...in his doctors parking lot. i so feel his pain..i just can't feel the parking lot...and that pisses me off big time.

anyway..yeah it will get better..blah, blah, balh....you know the spiel. been there, heard it, got it on a t-shirt.

i guess i feel better that i was strong enough to handle the memories even tho they screwed me up. i know in the long run i'll be okay..it just will hurt like hell until i get there..its been since july and honestly i am coming out of my hole..it probably didn't help that the holidays were tossed in there, and t's vacation, my birthday...you know..but that's life.

maybe try these words of stumpy wisdom...each day while its closer to death may also be hiding a day closer to feeling not so bad. (it kinda keeps me going...and then when you don't notice it the not so bad sneaks up on you and wa lla you feel better)

hope my ramblings didn't bore you to tears.

stumpy

(((Mixed-up)))

It IS an awful place. And I go there all the time. Why are we so thick and travel to awful places? I think it's because when we were kids we purchased a lifetime metrocard and thought we couldn't change the destination. But T says I CAN go to a different station now, but I don't know how to get there and I keep winding up where you are too.

But I also think that the feelings of death are a natural byproduct of therapy (for some of us). We fall to pieces with T and then put ourselves back together.

Sorry for the dreadful metaphor but I really understand. Please be careful and safe. There is a beautiful world out there--and I think it's the natural world.

Blessings.

I love your stumpy wisdom quote. LOL.....

It's not even that I want to die, cuz honestly, death scares me to death. It's that I want the misery to end, and it feels so hopeless to see how hard it is to get out of this mess. Every part of my life is in crisis and I have no place of comfort or relief.

One thing you said, though, makes me kinda sad about my relationship with my T. If I were to call to tell T that I was canceling, he would most likely accept it and that'd be the end of that. Like it's a game of some sort to test his caring for me, and he wouldn't bite. I don't know.

I'm sorry that you can relate so well....but it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. My T says that I'm conditioned to ruminate about unpleasantness. It's a habit. It felt awful to hear that, probably because it's true...and embarrassing.

I sometimes think to myself, why can't I look to the future with more hope? I don't have the answer.

MUE, do you feel small and powerless in the face of all of this? Maybe some empowerment is needed?

Honestly, I don't know what i need.

I ended up canceling my T session today. It's only the 2nd time I've ever canceled, and the first time it was due to a flu bug. I am just feeling so awful right now and don't want to face the world at all. Not even T. Especially T. I just don't know anymore.

MUE, I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I know the place you are in, I've been there so many times. Just wanting to hide from the world, and for me a lot of that comes back to not wanting to be hurt or abandoned again. When I am in that place I withdraw from everyone and everything, as a defense mechanism.
I'm glad you are still posting here and I hope you'll continue to do so even if you don't feel like it. You're important here.

Thank you, zooropa....

I don't know how I got here. How did I get back to this horrible place? I told my T last week that I felt myself sinking...and here I am. UGH.

He responded to my cancellation e-mail saying that he was sorry I wasn't feeling well and he'd put me down for next week. I responded that I wasn't sure about next week, that I'm not sure about anything right now. He said, "You are in the book. I will see you Tuesday and Thursday unless you want to come in sooner."

Wow, such words of encouragement.

I haven't been to work in two days....I don't know if I'm going to go tomorrow. My daughter will be home in a few minutes, and I don't know how I'm going to put on a happy face when all I want to do is hide and cry. I hate this. I hate it with every ounce of my being. I just don't know how things got this bad and how to get out of it!!!

I hate it when I can feel myself slipping down like that, and can't stop it, just feel it happening and feel myself going lower and lower....I wish I had the answer for you. For me. For all of us. I'd just say keep talking about it, keep talking here, go and talk to T if you can, even if you have to force yourself. It's the only thing that's worked for me. Looking at the pattern of my life, and knowing that if I keep doing the same thing I'll keep getting the same results, and so trying to do things differently now. It has helped me, not that I don't get to that bad place, but I get there less often and maybe don't stay there as long. Certainly I'm not trying to kill myself every other week anymore, so something has changed for the better.
I wonder if you look back at your life, and I'm sorry but I don't know your history and haven't looked back at your posts or anything, but I wonder if you can see a similar trend? And maybe you can hang onto that, and keep doing the NEW things that you've done that have helped? Like T, for one...?

Forcing myself to see T feels like an impossibility. I feel like I never want to step foot in that office again, and I don't know why....I've never felt like this towards him before...I hear his voice in my head and I want to scream...

I have only been affected by this depression for the last year...and it's only gotten this bad a couple of times...but this just feels different somehow. No matter how bad it got, I always made it to see T...even if I didn't want to go. Something's just wrong here....I don't know if it's something he said, or something he did, or something that happened...or maybe it's the new meds....The sinking started before the new meds...I don't know.

I know I'm just rambling....I feel like the "ok" part of me is somewhere, and I just need to access her and pull her out of this mess....

((( Mixed UP)))

When I was in that place all I could concentrate on was one step at a time; literally putting one foot in front of the other. So that means you can concentrate on tonight. Then in the morning concentrate on the morning. If the time comes when you are ready to speak with T then you will call him. Just do the next right thing.

Also, in the for what it's worth, when I changed my meds it took a while before they kicked in and then about three months later I had a big crash because I wasn't on the right dose for me. Since I increased the dose I have been able to lift out of the depressions like the one I had last evening. It sounds like you are crashing...maybe the meds need to be adjusted?

Take gentle care.

Thanks, MissC.....

I am concentrating on tonight. I just took a Klonopin, so I hope to get some sleep tonight. I got very little sleep last night, so I'm hoping it won't take long.

As far as the meds go, I've been on Lexapro a long time...and my new headache dr has me continuing the Lexapro and added a low dose of Elavil....I'm not sure if the addition of that med is contributing to this, especially since it's such a tiny dose and I felt this sinking/crash coming before I started taking it....I don't know.

I know I will have to call the headache dr tomorrow. I am non-functional at this point...I just hope she doesn't insist on hospitalization. My 8 year old daughter would be devastated, especially with me being a single mom and her being so clingy to me since the separation/divorce.....

MUE, you are in pretty bad shape right now. It is time to call your t tonight, or at least in the morning. Get in to see him as soon as possible. If you have a pdoc, call him. You need to get some help. Do that for yourself. It is the right thing to do. You've stopped going to work, your sounding pretty confused and desperate. Your depression is out of hand. Call your t or pdoc for help, preferably now. I'm worried about you.

Thanks...I know I have to do something....

At the moment, I'm watching My Chemical Romance - Helena and Welcome to the Black Parade - videos over and over and over and over and over again on Youtube.....Probably not the best thing to do right now....

Okay, so what do you need to do for yourself right now? Is it bedtime? Can you just put yourself to bed? Or is sleep out of the question? (Boy do I understand that!)

It is bedtime. I took a Klonopin and was hoping I would ease into sleep....since I barely slept in the last couple days....but that doesn't seem to be working out too well yet....

Considering I'm blasting music in my headphones, that may not be the easiest way to wind down. It dawned on me after I played these videos at least a dozen times in the last hour that each of these videos has to do with death, funerals, etc. It's really the music that I'm enjoying though.

I may take a Phenergan, since that's a sedative.....that plus the klonopin should do the trick....I hope so. (BTW, the headache dr said it was ok for me to continue with the klonopin and prescribed the Phenergan)....

Well, if phenergan won't knock you out . . . Night, night. Take care of yourself.

mixed, i'm really glad you are going to call your headache doc tomorrow. this is probably mostly due to going off your med. i know i was going bonkers when i went off my anti-depressant due to the horrid withdrawal effects. if i'm not being totally obnoxious here what is the med you are being taken off? i don't mind doing some research on withdrawal effects from it if you want. if it's anything like going off an anti-depressant then there are things they can do to make it easier on you.

Thanks, Bloom....

The dr took me off Migranal, Fioricet and Hydrocodone....kept me on the Lexapro, Klonopin and Zofran....and added Elavil, Midrin and Phenergan....I was off the pain meds for about a week but ended up taking Hydrocodone on Tues and Wed to deal with the horrific migraine that the new meds were not impacting at all.