RE: T's possible erotic countertranserence

This is a response I got from Sanityseeker that really struck me (during a conversation in a different thread). I said my T was behaving with extreme coldness, and someone had mentioned that a therpast's own erotic feelings about their client could create that kind of aloofness. So I wondered if that might be happening with my own T, or maybe it was just my own fantasy. Sanity said:

Hi Kitten... be careful with that thinking. It may just feed your fantasies rather than give you any clarity. If he is as you speculate, suppressing feelings then why isn't he taking the appropriate steps to ensure the boundaries are maintained. The quote suggests "these issues should be carefully addressed in supervision or peer consultation if needed...."

It would seem to me... and I am no expert on the subject, nor have I experienced these kinds of feelings for a therapist but... it seems to me it would challenge the effectiveness of the therapy if these kinds of feelings on one side or both were present and made worse if they were not addressed. I can appreciate how complex the client/therapist relationship can be... even more so having followed this thread along but it seems to me safety and open communications need to be present if therapy is going to be effective.

Have you considered looking for another therapist rather than playing with the fire with this one.

Wishing you well.

So I'd like to throw it out there -- what would those appropriate steps be for a T in this situation to take?

What would a therapist do if he were establishing the right boundaries around this? Would he have to reveal his own feelings toward me, or could he set those boundaries in an invisible way? Would he completely avoid mention of it? Would he become cold and distant emotionally, as my T has seemed to become, or would there be some other sign that he was dealing (appropriately or inappropriately) with this issue?

To clarify, my T has never said anything about his feelings toward me, other than that (and this was in the beginning) he thought I was a good candidate for therapy and seemed to be a person he could work with. Recently he said he wants to continue our sessions -- the question of continuation came up in relation to his coldness to me, and what I perceive as his inability to identify with me, or take my side when I describe life events to him. He disagrees with all of this. He tends to imply to me that I'm oversensitive and judgmental, and gives me the impression that other people suffer far more from having me in their lives than I do from them! I've just found his lack of sympathy strange (passive-aggressive I guess), and have wondered if his erotic countertransference (or whatever) might be causing his weird blind spot.

I would appreciate more input!

I think he is just trying to maintain his proffesionalism and its coming across as being cold, has he always been that way or was there a sudden change? There could be something going on in his personal life and it may not have anything to do with you, but just may be carrying over into his work. You could ask if everything is ok with him because he seems a little distant and its making it hard for you to communicate.

Thanks BohemianPrincess for your input...He's always been strange, quirky, cold, weird. Very phobic physically -- I finally figured out that he doesn't like it when I hand him my check. We get off to a slightly better start if I put it on the desk. If he has anything for me, like a statement, he sticks it on the desk, doesn't want to get near me. He also sits down the whole time we're together -- doesn't rise when I leave. Always thought it was weird, but never attributed it to a sexual fear of me or anything.

Otherwise, he demonstrates a strange lack of sympathy when I describe myself as a victim. But I've wondered if he's trying to teach me to:

-see things from another perspective
-reconsider others' motives (maybe there was no hostile intent)
-toughen up and not be so oversensitive

Just a lot of questions marks with this guy!

I agree with Bohemian Princess. I think some therapists use this approach because they want to remain completely objective. If a therapist shows emotion while the patient is expressing themselves, this could affect a vulnerable patient who's impressionable. It's like when professional poker players are at a table - hence the term 'poker face'. I think it depends on the patient too - some patients don't mind just talking and not getting much feed back and others need that interactive response.

hi kitten. i think it might be his training if he is psychodynamically or psychoanalytically trained. Ts used to be taught to be a blank slate for the client to then transfer everything onto. my T also didn't rise out of her chair when i would go to leave. i thought it was so strange at first and then realized it must be her training. i mentioned once to her how some people on PC have a lot of physical contact with their Ts and we had an interesting discussion about it. i wasn't really looking for hugs or hand-holding or anything but she did loosen up a bit after that. she was just trained to be very careful about physical boundaries. she is quite warm and compassionate though.

kitten,

Since in replies this has not been brought up ,,,, how do You perceive yourself in general ? >> say as , when You look in the mirror when getting ready to leave the house and go >>> shopping , ect, ?

The reason I ask is because of the way you describe " when I hand him my check ".

Do You feel there is a reason You think that changes something in his/her demeanor to you?

M&M

edit for clarification:,,,The check and billing statement You brought up in a response .

BTW. Princess, lynn. & bloom make good points.

I think there are a lot of reasons a T might withdraw and become what the client perceives as cold or aloof instead of his usual self. One reason might be to discourage the client from continuing therapy with him. This is an indirect approach to getting the client to quit, and not a good one, IMO. Another reason might be that the therapist is struggling somewhat to maintain distance for what could be a number of reasons. Romantic yearnings for the client might be one such reason, as you have mentioned. But there could be others too, such as the client reminds him so much of his own daughter, or the client is going through struggles that he himself went through once and so he is over-identifying. All of these are considered countertransference. Sometimes withdrawing from the client is used as a "technique" in therapy to get the client to come out more. Sometimes a client is unforthcoming and hardly says anything and the therapist has trouble drawing him/her out. So if these efforts are unsuccessful, the therapist may reverse tactics and withdraw. Sometimes the client will come out and chase or try to regain the attention and closeness of the therapist. So there are a lot of reasons. If it were me, I would not assume it was some sort of romantic attraction unless I had other reasons to think that.

When you raised the question of his sudden coldness and aloofness, what did he say? Did he say he was not acting any differently than usual? If he was always rather aloof, that's one thing (and it raises questions of its own). But if he should suddenly change his regular behavior, it is a very good question indeed to ask him why! It seems to me if a therapist changes like that, he should give you an explanation. There are also times when the therapist appears to change, but it turns out that it is the client's perception of the T that is changing.

Was this one of the things your T denied when you spoke with him? I find this very interesting. (I had kind of the opposite happen in therapy--where I was denying being abused because I don't identify with being a victim and can't even use that word, but my T kept trying to get me to realize "it was abuse.") What I most thought of when I read what you wrote was my XH. Quite early in our relationship, somehow it came up--some of the bad stuff from my past. I got very negative vibes from my XH, like "don't talk about this" and even somewhat hostile and angry at me. Exactly what I would describe as a "strange lack of sympathy." I never mentioned this again throughout our decades long relationship. Much later I learned that my XH had himself suffered abuse in his youth, and I think now that he was so hostile to my own mention of this experience because he felt he had lived through it and put it behind him, and I shouldn't be talking about my experience but should do the same. He had never gotten sympathy from anyone on this topic, so he wasn't going to give it to me. So if your T is having some countertransference, it could be the sort where he identifies with what you suffered through and he is withdrawing to prevent overentanglement and "giving away" to you what he is feeling.

Wow, that's a big interpretation--sorry. Just your phrase "strange lack of sympathy" was very evocative to me about my XH's behavior. I hope you can get it worked out. I think when one is wondering so much, a good approach is to check in with the other person, to try to clarify his intent.

Hi _M&M_,
Well, physically I'm fine --in fact I'm great! I lost a bunch of weight recently and I'm interested in my appearance again after years of hating on my body -- buying clothes, not running from cameras! That part is working for me right now.

I don't know what triggers T's weirdness about being near me. I'm compulsive about hygiene, so it's not that I smell bad! I have a co-worker who does though. I'm exquisitely alive to the possibility that I might offend other people at any given time about anything, so I go nuts trying to be acceptable. I'm also aware that my hypersensitivity around these things is a symptom of past trauma, so I realize I'm looking at the world through a distorted lens. I try not to stress about my own reactions, but I can't seem to change them.

I do feel insulted when my T doesn't rise when I leave. I don't know why it rankles so much. I've never mentioned it to him. I have a theory he's sensitive about being a shorter guy, and doesn't want me to see that he's shorter than me (I'm not that tall, but I wear heels). But I could never in a MILLION years bring that up! I'm not there to call my T on his own defenses and issues after all. Can't stop wondering though!

Hi Sunrise,
Wow, I think you may have hit on something:

- he may be unconsciously trying to get me to quit
- he may be over-identifying with me
- I remind him of his daughter (or wife or ex)

(One of the possibilities you mention, that the client is unforthcoming, wouldn't apply to me though. I love to talk! And I don't shy from my deeper issues. But I need my therapist's help there. I think my current T is capable of delving deep, but we would sort of have to encourage each other more to make it work. My therapist said right away that he thought I was a good candidate for therapy, because I was open and willing to talk about my trauamtic childhood and other things. And he knows I'm open to having my errors pointed out. I don't love it, but I need it!)

One of my theories about why my T seems cold and hostile, is that he just can't take me seriously. For instance -- he's only known me since I've lost weight. I imagine that to him I look like a pretty person with a decent job and a stable marriage. Life is pretty good, at least on the surface. But I come in and complain about little stuff -- things going wrong at work, my co-worker smells bad, so and so sent me a $hitty email, etc. I've wondered if he's got something major going on -- a disabled kid, a divorce, a major illness? Something that makes all my stuff look TINY.

He definitely has his moments of contempt for me. I'll never forget one thing he said to me, when I described an attempt I'd made on my own to change my strategy in relation a co-worker: "I don't like weird little projects." Another thing he said to me: "I don't care about words." When he says anything like that, anything beginning with "I don't care about--" or "I don't like--", he always seems angry. And most of the time he's passive and quiet and subdued, so the sudden anger flashing out just freaks me the heck out. And I can never figure out what inspired it. When I ask him, he denies that he was feeling anything different.

I've been working up to asking him about whether I remind him of someone. I think it's pointless though. He told me that I can ask him anything, but he might not answer everything I ask. And he keeps the focus on me -- doesn't reveal much about himself, unless it's superficial ("Oh yeah, I remember that tv show from the eighties...") I get that, and I think it's appropriate. But that's assuming that his own behavior is calm and consistent toward me. It hasn't been.

When he has weirdly irritable moments, or occasionally we have an entire session when he's peevish and jumpy and rude, then I want to find the sources of his anger. Once he practically yelled at me at the end of a session during the worst one we've had. The awful thing about it was that, next time, he denied that there had been anything wrong. Completely put the whole thing on me. "I'm so sorry you felt I was doing anything differently last session..." I consider that lying, and I HATE it when he lies. And that could be another distancing manoeuver too, since we're on the subject.

I just don't know why he needs so much distance from me. As his client, I need just the opposite.

It never occurred to me that my T might be over-identifying with me. God, that makes so much sense. We often talk about the opposites of things in session, as a way to probe deeper into the meanings of things, figures in my dreams and such. But why did it never occur to me that his own lack of identification might indicate the opposite? I think that's totally possible.

About whether his coldness is a new development -- no, he's always been this way. (sigh)

It's been seven months. I stormed out of his office recently when I had described a hostile email I got from one of my listeners (I'm a radio announcer) that just came out of the blue. These things happen -- it's like Internet flaming, just easier to attack when you don't know the person. Long story short, my T said I should admire this guy. He ALWAYS defends anyone I mention whose behavior toward me has been hostile. It's just really really unhelpful. I've told him about it, and I've said that he has to take my side.

The last time he defended someone who was hurting me, I walked out of his office.

Now I'm trying to figure out whether or not to go back. He wrote me an even-handed email in which he said that he was sorry if he did or said anything unhelpful. These things happen, he said (I've often wondered how often they happen with his other clients) but "what's important is what we do with it." He really wants me to continue, and I'm puzzled about why. I honestly don't know what he's getting out of this. It's not working for BOTH of us. Shouldn't we both be feeling that it's time to cut the cord?

If I decide to leave, I'm just going to have to do it. It's hard to know when and how. Ugh!

Thanks, Sunrise, for your thoughtful response! You gave me lots to think about!

((((((((kitten)))))))))

I'm wondering if your T can give you what you need. Maybe he really just IS like this with all of his clients, you know? Maybe this is his "therapeutic stance", or maybe he can't keep his own stuff out of the room. If this is just how he is, it seems unlikely that he'll be willing to change.

I don't know your history, but I could imagine myself staying with someone who wasn't meeting my needs for a long time as a way to kind of "redo" the past where people were mean to me and my needs weren't met. I tend to do that in real life - try to attach to really aloof people and work really hard to win them over - and I can imagine how much more compelling it would be to do that within a therapy relationship.

I wonder if you could just meet with another T, to see what it feels like, or even to discuss what is going on with your current T? Sometimes it helps to have an objective outside point of view on this kind of stuff.

I hope you are able to find a way to get what you need.

Wow, Tree, you totally get me!

Yes, I do this -- stick with people who don't love me. But not because I'm masochistic or love abuse -- I do it because it's familiar, feels like my parents, feels like normal. And there is that ancient need, as you said, to try to extract love from a source that doesn't have it, but I keep trying -- that's what children do, and so do adults obviously!

I always think of those hideous unethical experiments on baby monkeys in the fifties and sixties, have you ever seen those films? (shudder) I still think of my mother as having been a sort of mother-shaped object constructed of wire, with no heart. But what else was there to cling to?

Great insight.

Yeah, I think I'm going to schedule an appointment with a different person -- I've been looking at possibilities. Thanks again!

This is interesting, Bloom. I would be totally relieved if I thought my T were remaining seated when I leave because he'd been trained to do that, though I don't get the rationale. (I don't know why I'm so afraid of him having his own issues, lol!)

Thanks!

Yeah! I think I might be one of those that needs more response from my T.

He does have a poker face, most of the time -- but he can't help revealing certain things. When I call him on behavior I don't like (always tactfully, I believe), his eyes get really wide, like he's under attack. And some things I do or say bother him, but I don't know what the common thread there is. But he'll start squinting at me, like I'm waving a cigarette in front of his face. Something at those times he just doesn't like, but I have no idea what it is.

Once we were talking about sex change stuff (I have no idea why), and I said something about Chastity Bono becoming a man. A look crossed his face like he was going to lose his lunch. I thought it was interesting that he couldn't at all disguise his reaction of repugnance, fleeting though it was. I mean, what if he had a client who was considering that? Sheesh. Anyway, not my problem...

And there was one session recently that had gone really well. We were both feeling shiny and happy, and he said, "Wow, I let us go over time!" I blurted out, "That's because you love me," and ruined the whole thing. His face turned every shade of green, from Winsor to Thalo, and that was the end of that.

Thanks, Lynn, for your good insights!

It kind of sounds like he needs a sense of humor. I think I've mentioned Im going to become a therapist and it may just be my laidback nature, but if I had a client say "yeah its because you love me" I would probably just make a joke back, I wouldnt get all offended or weird about it. Also with the not wanting you to hand him the check, it sounds more like that may just be his own issue. Like not wanting to shake hands. Next time he doesnt rise when you leave, you could say to him: You know it is impolite not to rise when someone leaves your company. Also regarding the angry email you recieved, he should know better then to think that it takes courage or is admirable to send someone an angry hate filled letter. Next time he defends someone who has hurt you, come back with "Do you just enjoy the fact that people hurt me and want to encourage that behavior, because your reaction is sick!" Call him on it right when he does it. He works for you, you pay him. You wouldnt put up with an employee treating you that way, dont let this guy. It may just be his personality, but he still needs to be called on it. You could tell him "Im going to record the next session and then play it back for you so you can hear how hateful you can be" Tell him he's a good therapist, but he needs lighten up. A therapist shouldnt be that easy to offend!!

It sounds to me like you might have different goals with therapy; like you want him to identify with you and he wants you to look at your past and those in your life to see if you can change your perception. I don't see anything at all that looks like erotic countertransference to me.

Sympathy may feel nice for a moment but I don't think it will do much good for you in the long run; you poor thing! :-) Nor does looking at your therapist and what problems he may/may not have. I bolded the one statement in what you had to say because it made me think more about you and how you perceive him than it tells me about him.

I think the transference is yours; I imagine from what you have said that you find most people unsympathetic to you?

Kitten16 - sorry I don't know you well, so this question might not be good - but have you thought about changing therapists or are you happy with him? The reason I say this is - you're the patient and you shouldn't be made to feel 'concerned' for his feelings and moods. Like Bohemian Princess said "you're paying him" so he has to accomodate 'you' not the other way around. Once a session over, you should be thinking about what's the next step in your issues, not 'second guessing his reactions/non-reactions. It doesn't mean he's a bad therapist - it just means you and he might not be compatable. But if you do like your T then just disregard what I said lol.

Hi Perna, yes, I think this is a big part of it -- we may just have different goals. I came to therapy thinking I needed a sort of life coach -- help in dealing with others, managing my own behavior, improving my relationships, attaining my life goals, etc. Whereas he seems to want to focus on my very early stuff and my possibilities for inner transformation. Which is great, and he's good at that piece. Maybe I'm just pushing for something he's not interested in or doesn't specialize in.

Yes, I DO have major erotic stuff going on around him, and to his credit he's dealt with it very professionally. I'm totally open to the possibility that I'm just fantasizing that, "Oh, he really wants me too," and that's all it is -- wishful thinking. (I'm a regular on the Romantic Feelings for my Therapist forum!)

But it was actually a post by SanitySeeker where she quoted a document about erotic counter-transference on the therapist's part, that got me thinking about this particular thing in regard to my own T. The quote referred to the fact that aloofness in a therapist is sometimes attributable to erotic countertransference. And certainly not that it always is. A little bell went off for me, which was the impetus for my starting this thread.

Ah yes, my statements often do reveal more about me than they do about others! And especially with this particular T, I am being driven nuts by his impenetrability. I don't presume to get this guy at all, and of course you all can't see him or know him, and you're only hearing my side.

Ooh, yes, I am paranoid about criticism and rejection at the hands of others. Given my experience, it is a well-founded stance. My T agrees that what I underwent in childhood was traumatic (one of the few areas where we've been able to meet). I think one of my challenges is that I have to try to start anew on a daily basis, instead of expecting hostility.

Yes, I expect my T to be hostile -- because I expect everyone to be that way. Actually, it might be better if our problems really did revolve around my being oversensitive. He's convinced of it, and when he says it I always bridle! Ouch, criticism!! But it would almost be a relief, because I feel I could change that.

Whereas I can't change him! But I actually LIKE this guy and have gotten some real help from him. Very occasionally we have a session that's so great, I feel like skipping. But the other weird issues are clouding it over right now.

I'll have to think more about that. Thanks for your insights, Perna!

Yeah Lynn, I've been feeling this way quite a bit. He's supposed to be helping me. The issues I came to therapy for are getting buried under stuff like, what does he want me to say, what should I avoid talking about, why did his face twitch like that, why did he just snap at me, why did he deny snapping at me, etc. It's like a dysfunctional dating relationship! Gah!

So -- I'm going to schedule an appt. with a new person soon, just to get some perspective on this stuff. Thanks so much for your ideas!

"dysfunctional dating relationship! Gah!"

That's funny but true lol. When a person's looking for a therapist, it kind of like finding a date - meaning it's important for the patient and doctor to be a 'good match' for one another. You seem very easy to talk to, so I agree with Bohemian Princess - I think he needs to lighten up a bit lol. Maybe he's not a happy person himself in real life.

HUMOR!

YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

OH MY GAWD YES!

Yes. That's it, BohemianPrincess. That is huge. Because I love humor. I need humor. And I can't do life without humor. And he's just the opposite apparently.

But that's minor. It would help, though. It's like when you bake muffins and forget to put in the oil. Blech!

Your response made me laugh/cry, and all in a good way! I should clear up the thing about the email I got from a listener. He's a guy I had been corresponding with, and we had sent each other a few chatty and pleasant messages. But one day he shot me this message criticizing a metaphor I had used on the air -- claimed it was insulting to the composer (I know this is getting Byzantine, but I work for a classical music station). Anyway, he misheard me, I had said something completely different. So he also says: "You don't say hopefully on the air, do you?" THAT came outta nowhere. Crap, "hopefully" is controversial -- there are people who say it's always incorrect English, and those -- even a few academics -- who defend it. I HATE language nazis and really felt annoyed by his tone.

So my feelings were kinda raw. I went to therapy that day and told my T about this guy. This guy happens to be an artist. He had been emailing me about taking his art to show some lady who worked at an art store. According to him, she ripped him apart, said his painting was terrible. He was so upset by her reaction that he cried in the car going home. And I just thought that might be why he was suddenly in such a bad mood, and felt like he had to attack me (even though the experience had nothing to do with me).

So I offered my T the theory that this guy was attacking my use of language on the air, because he had been feeling rotten about another person, another issue entirely. And I probably said something to my T like, I can't stand being scapegoated! (It's an old parental issue with me).

SO -- my T said, and this is as close to verbatim as I can get, given my memory: "Are you saying that you were trying to understand what it must be like to be able to be that vulnerable, to have that kind of courage? To be able to show your work to a stranger and make yourself vulnerable?"

To me, and I may be wrong, it sounded like he was saying that I lack courage. So I just went nuts and launched into this huge thing about how I survived parental abuse in childhood, had survived merciless bullying in school, and it took courage, and I'd had the courage to marry, and that I was courageous every damn time I cracked the mic and started talking into the void, and that people had said some terrible things about me (wonderful things too) since I'd started my job, but I kept marching in there every day, and THAT took courage, and I just went on and on and I thought I was going to have a coronary. He backed WAY down and said he hadn't been implying that I lack courage.

But that's what I heard. (sigh)

Sorry to go on so long. But thanks, BohemianPrincess, for urging me to just call him on his crap. I've done it and I will continue to do it, until I decide what to do.

I agree with you -- it's sick that he defends people who attack me. I don't know if I have the courage to say it! But you've given me an idea!

I could just throw it out there. If he can defend himself, I'd be willing to hear it. I've been nothing but courteous and understanding around this guy and I've given him so much feedback (on the good stuff too), and a million chances to change! Just getting to the end of my rope.

Think of him as an employee? Interesting.

Thanks, Princess!

Glad you called him on it, gave him some very direct feedback. It may improve the relationship.....! But, you may feel a bit worn out from having to train him?

I often feel my T is behind a fence or wall, to keep himself safe from my "fondness" for him. But his humor does help connect us, really helps.

My T is super polite, helps me with my coat, holds the door and walks me out to the main lobby. 180 degrees from your guy. However, it's a group office and I think they want to make sure clients get out of the back hall that connects the offices.

BUT on the original idea from SanitySeeker - countertransference
In the initial year of work, I often would touch my T on the arm while talking. He never said anything that it was OK or not OK. In January (?) I finally asked, since he seemed a bit standoffish. He said "I believe it is OK for a person to touch someone on the arm"....??? Then said It's OK for you to touch me on the arm.
The following session I reminded him of his lame initial response. Then he admits he really IS uncomfortable with it!!
I asked him Why did you permit it? How does this teach me about boundaries? He said, it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

3 months pass - In my mind, I developed the theory that he permitted it because he LIKED it, and was uncomfortable because he enjoyed it. So I asked him again WHY WHY WHY

Finally he apologized, admitted he wasn't taking care of himself by letting it go on. He felt bad that he was already putting so many limits on me, and did not want to set one more. He altered his behavior, permitted a personal boundary violation, to avoid seeing my sad or angry or hurt reaction. Classic countertransference! But not erotic. So glad I asked again vs. continuing with my internal theory.
He says he knows better for next time. He says this is why it's called a therapy "practice"...

So, now I can annoy him by putting my hand very close to his arm and saying "I'm not touching you" .. .. ...

But maybe revisit the "you let me go over because you love me" comment, he may have retreated to a safe head space.

To me, this sounds like an attempt (rather clumsy) by your T to extend the situation of your friend back into the therapy room, back into your "relationship" with him (sharing oneself and making oneself vulnerable to a "stranger"--the T). It's highly psychodynamic, and it seemed to not have been that successful, as you focused on the courage part of the statement and thought it meant he was criticizing you. And that is why he clarified that he was not saying you had no courage. I think he may have seen that you had become activated by the "wrong" part of his statement and the easiest thing was to drop it, rather than try to explain what his initial intent had been. That's what it seemed like to me, anyway. I am glad, though, that he got a chance to say he did not think you lacked courage, as this must reassure you that his vision of who you are is closer to who you really are than if he believed you did lack courage.

This sounds like a great plan!

Did you see another T yet? Maybe your T is afraid of you or intimidated by you. It doesn't seem like the best match to me, so I think getting another opinion is a good idea for you. Maybe you need another type of approach. I'm reminded of my therapy experiences where I spend more time analyzing my T than on working on myself. That could be because it's a distraction from doing my own work, or because the particular T is triggering. If you think a great deal about wanting something from T that he can't give you, I think you really need to discuss with him what that is or find a different T.

It's easier to tell someone else what you see rather than see it in yourself. You remind me of the way I was always analyzing Bt. I could be way off--just my impressions at the moment.

Thanks, all, for your recent comments on here! I'm finding it all valuable.

BlackCanary, I'm agreeing with you that my T seems to have retreated to a safe place. I guess therapists need safety too, LOL! Something definitely happened, and it might have been that "you love me" comment. I've only wished I could go back in time and erase that one about a million times. At first I wanted to erase it because I just felt I'd made a social faux pas. Now I want to erase it because it seems to have damaged our relationship in a quantifiable way. It seems more serious!

Sunrise -- interesting theory. I think I understand what you suggest my T might have been doing. It was just that I demonstrate every day that I go into therapy, that I'm willing to make myself vulnerable. I don't need to admire anyone else for doing that. A novelist once said (about writing) that it's easy -- you just sit down at the keyboard and open a vein. That's what therapy is for me, and I've been willing to do it. My T has even said that he sees how willing I am to forge ahead, go to painful places, consider outrageous possibilities, and unwrap scary things from deep inside myself. Why is he pointing at someone else, saying, hey, have you ever been vulnerable like that? I don't think he meant to be an a-hole, but what irks me is that he was deliberately (I believe) ignoring my plea to be comforted.

Someone had attacked me, and I just wanted my T to say, Hey, kitten, you're hurting, I understand. That was really all I needed from him. And then maybe another question, like, tell me more about it. The fact that he tried to turn it into some intellectual bring-the-email-jerk-into-the-session-with-us excercise just really frosted my waffles. Sometimes it's helpful to take something further outward, to hold it up and try to make it objective, or to do an excercise. Getting some distance can often help. It just wasn't one of those times. But I see what you're saying, that my T was trying to do something helpful. I'm willing to consider that possibility!

On the subject of comfort -- I was reading an old-school book about therapy the other day, and the author said: it's not the therapist's job to comfort the client. The therapist's job is to analyze the client. Granted, we don't think in terms of analysis in a strict sense anymore. And the guy called clients patients, which I also dislike -- puts the emphasis on pathology. As I said, it was an older book. But that really struck me. The rationale was something like, therapists have to be objective. Showing an inclination to comfort takes them out of the therapeutic zone, makes them less effective.

But how realistic is that? I mean, don't most people who seek therapists want to be comforted?

Rainbow, I like the idea that working on my relationship with T could be a distraction from getting down to my own issues. I think you're right on the money there. Another poster said that I might have a need to win over this person who doesn't seem to be responding to me, or does so only intermittently. It's like the thrill of gambling! And triggering -- yes, I think he is that. I'm not sure what he triggers. Something unpleasant around my parents I think. (My folks always discounted me, tried to get me to admire other children, who were always better than I was.)

My T is gone this week -- I scheduled a physical instead (maybe so I wouldn't miss him so much?). But I do plan to have an intake with another prospective T in the next couple of weeks. Got one picked out!

Thanks again for responding to my lame stuff all the time, I'm just about sick of it myself I appreciate your input so much!