[rainbow8]

Trigger for talking about weight just in case it upsets anyone

I hesitate to post this but I don't know what to do! I was disappointed with my session today for a reason I couldn't quite tell T. I touched on it, but I was too embarrassed about my feelings, and I didn't want to make her feel bad. The simple part is that I walked in and wanted her to look different! Not like Bt, but just different. I felt closer to her in the emails than in person. When I saw her I felt that sinking feeling that I can't relate to her because she's very thin. I really wanted to tell her that because I was talking about how I pay attention to Bt's looks and her clothes. But I couldn't!! Is that something you could ever tell your T? I'm afraid I will email it to her tonight because I feel depressed. Maybe she has a problem, but it's probably my problem.

The confusing part is that it bothers me because I probably won't have those intense feelings for her now. I will be disappointed when I see her. That is healthier, I know, but I feel so bad about it. I don't care so much what people look like, just my Ts. That's so strange to me. I don't want Kt to replace Bt but part of me does. That part is the disappointed part. Maybe I will email her that piece but not about how she looks.

We talked about Bt and my seeing her, but T wanted to relate it to my past. I don't feel like anything got resolved. She wants to do EMDR with me in 2 weeks. She showed me the vibrating thingies. She thinks it will help, but I'm skeptical. I hope I'm not her first client who doesn't benefit from it.

I don't choose my friends for how they look. I feel like such a snob being so critical. I'm a little overweight myself. I don't like the way Bt looks either, but I still became attached. Maybe she has a disorder or maybe she's just underweight. Or maybe she's just thin and I'm not used to it. This bothers me, though, and did at each session so far but I put it out of my mind. What should I do?

Last week you were complaining about her grammar and punctuation. Today it is her appearance. Why are you searching for flaws in this t? What does it do for you? You are nitpicking her to death over trivial things and I am willing to bet it has absolutely nothing to do with her. Why are you doing this? What are you getting out of it? Because you keep doing it, so you must be getting something out of it. I think you really need to answer that question for yourself.

[ECHOES]

One of the things with emails is that it leaves much space for our imagination to fill in. We can create what we want.
When confronted with the reality it can feel strange, shocking.

Does this sound like when you want your therapist to be mother-like, so your mind is creating what it feels like that would look like?

It is interesting, and sure talk about it in therapy. It's an awareness and your T will welcome what you tell her says about you.

[rainbow8]

Good questions, farmergirl. I have to think about it. For starters, I miss Bt even though I criticized her all the time. She said it raised me up to criticize her. But this is different. It's a sinking feeling, a disappointment. I agree it has to do with me. I want everyone to look "normal" including myself though I know no one is perfect.

What am I getting out of it? A way for me NOT to be attracted to her and not repeat my pattern? A chance to criticize myself? I don't know exactly. I just know I walked in and was extremely disappointed like she didn't meet my expectations. I always expect too much and then am disappointed. So maybe it's because I want to spoil my chances for a successful therapy. I don't know which answers are true. I just know I feel depressed.

[rainbow8]

ECHOES, you really think I can tell or email her that her looks upset me????? I was blushing during my session when she tried to get me to tell her what was bothering me about emails vs seeing her. I know Ts are used to hearing everything, but when it's about THEM? I don't know if it's transference but skinny is definitely not mother-like to me. I don't think of her as a mother figure at all, though.

You're right about my imagination. I have always had fantasies of sessions but the reality hits me right away. My email exchange with Kt was the closest to fantasy/reality meeting I've ever had. I think it was cognitive dissonance (think that's the phrase I mean) to see her.

[BlueMoon6]

This is SO interesting. My first reaction to it is that she doesnt have that motherly feel being thin. ANd somehow Bt did ahve a motherly feel to her. And maybe she has more of a motherly feel to her in emails with the things she says to you. But there is less "transference" with Kt than with Bt so the thrill isnt there.
I have a similar thing with ftt. She doesnt have a motherly feel to her for me. It isnt weight, it is something else. Maybe that she looks so young although she is a year older than me. Less transference. But then I KNOW I can work on my issues now without trying to undo/redo mother stuff. It was unfortunate that I couldnt have worked on my transference with dt. It wasnt for lack of trying. I tried to tell her my feelings but she stopped me every time. Even mid-sentence.

Well, I think this is GREAT material for therapy because it might be that it actually has very little to do with her weight in that it is associated to something for you. She sounds like a great T who can handle this stuff.

[BlueMoon6]

Im thinking about FG's question. With me, not so much now, but in the past, I might nit-pick someone like a Y because in my imagination I want them to be the perfect _____ (fill in the blank). The perfect teacher, mother, friend, etc. I want perfection. I have expected it from myself and I have wanted it from the person I put into the role of _____. Does this make any sense?

[ECHOES]

rainbow, I think you could bring up in session these things that you have noticed, presented in a way that is not judgemental, but just 'noticing'. To explore what this means to you. You don't want to hurt her and would be talking about this for that reason, but to explore where this comes from within you.

i think you are using excuses to push her away.

in the past you have said, you feel safe and like the gentleness and acceptance she is offering with her therapeutic method.
she is giving you what on some levels you want, allowing you to attach. and perhaps because it is being allowed, you are responding by pushing her away or finding faults to prevent that attachment.

???

[Melbadaze]

perhaps being able to find fault in thwir appearence gives you a sense of mastery over them?

[mobius]

"I probably won't have those intense feelings for her now. I will be disappointed when I see her."

Hi Rainbow - I'm new here, but thought I'd weigh in on your post. Mostly, I wonder about how your expectations for your therapist are shaping or influencing your experiences with her. What you wrote above seems pertinent - if you expect to be disappointed when you see her next, you likely will be. What would it be like to acknowledge your expectations and/or share them with your therapist while also trying consciously to set them aside and experience her for who she is?

[Luce]

Rainbow, if this T had the 'perfect' look, what would she look like?

[Brightheart]

I can't help wondering if this is a method of avoidance, Rainbow. There are times in the past when I've wondered if you are actually fearful of what you want most...a close, intimate relationship. Just one potential theory...

[kitten16]

Interesting thread!

Rainbow--if she's not mother-like, is she daughter-like? Are there echoes with your own children that are disturbing? (I'm sorry, I don't recall whether you have kids but I thought you mentioned a daughter?)

[peaches100]

Hi Rainbow,

I'm sorry you're feeling disappointed right now. But I think your reaction is important to look at and try to understand. It's a pattern for you to want closeness with someone that you then start finding fault with. Since you have found fault with your previous t over different matters, my guess is that this situation with your new t is not about weight per se, but it is about the pattern/need to find fault with your t's. Do you find fault with your family and friends? Or is it t specific?

[BohemianPrincess]

I agree with Solarwind, I think you know she is helping and a part of you wants to push her away, because you may be afraid to get attatched. I think it is very important you bring this up with her. tell her you find yourself searching for flaws in her and your unsure why that is. Its not the flaws that are the problem, its things your focusing on `because you dont want to focus on you.

[Perna]

I think it is fear and seeing her for the first time. It's easier if there's some "problem" but "looks" are usually transient as, when we get to know someone, we don't notice their looks as much anymore.

My T was oriental and tiny and I felt like a bull in a china shop (small therapy rooms too), sometimes more than other times. It's hard if someone is "looking up" to us and we want to be able to look up to them :-)

[rainbow8]

I emailed Kt last night and said that the disappointment in the session came from realizing that I'm not going to replace Bt with her, that I don't get those feelings I had with Bt. Kt doesn't have power over me; I feel normal with her. But it hurts to feel that way even though it's healthier. I didn't mention anything about physical appearance. She didn't email back yet. There's nothing really for her to say. I also said that I liked the session where I comforted my 6 year old self and I was going to try to do that at home. I fell asleep when I tried, though!

I'm starting at the end with replies since I can only see the second page.

Perna, you're right. I don't notice people's looks after I get to know them. But it was hard not to notice how thin she is compared to most people I know.

Bohemian: I think it's partially true though I don't know I'm doing that. Like I said before, that's why I like closing my eyes in session. I don't get distracted by how the T looks. I think I want to focus on me, but I get your point. It seems like I always try to make it about my T and me.

Peaches: I do find flaws with others, especially my family. I want them to look like my perception of "good" or acceptable. I'm very self-critical too. It could have to do with not allowing for imperfections that make me look different from others, and wanting my family members to look normal too. No one has to be a model, but just has to look presentable and normal according to my standards of "average".

kitten--my daughter had a problem with her weight, so that could enter into it, but I don't see my T as my daughter either. I don't have transference regarding her right now. Maybe I want her to be a friend, so that could be transference.

Brightheart: Yes, I am fearful of intimacy though I crave it. With a T there are limits though. I wanted intimacy with Bt but she didn't want it. I don't understand intimacy with a T. What does it look like?

Luce, I'm trying to figure out the answer, but I don't know! Maybe more huggable like one of my daughters is--not thin. Not heavy either. On the other hand, maybe someone I'm attracted to--physically. Not sexually, but physically. I realize that's a contradiction. Like mother/lover all in one, which I know is what a baby sees in its mother in the early stages. I don't know; I'm guessing. I can't picture the perfect person.

mobius: Very good point! I always had trouble accepting my former T for who she was. I always wanted more or different. I like my new Ts personality better; I just have to stop focusing on what I don't like. I didn't have any expectations at first. I just wanted someone to help me get over my attachment problems. I just don't like people to look too thin.

melba--maybe, but in this case, it just gives me a weird feeling. Could be reminds me of when I saw my daughter so thin. Triggering. Scary for me.

More later....

[rainbow8]

I've got to eat dinner now, but the more I think about it, it's just a personal preference. I feel a little sick looking at someone who is very thin. I can't change the way I feel.

[brickbat]

That's interesting, what you just said about feeling sick looking at someone who is very thin. Is your T 'too' thin? I mean, does she look unhealthy? If so, I can imagine that that could trigger some negative responses in you. I mean, it could make you feel scared or threatened or insecure or not at all reassured/trusting of her stability...any number of things. I may be way off base though.