[jexa]

So here I am, come crawling back.. I need support. Oh my god..

I messed up last night. This past week I started getting all obsessed about that guy I've been dating.. (here comes the pattern), thinking about him all the time, thinking he was sure to reject me, reading through his WHOLE wall on Facebook, looking through all of his pictures and his friends and blahhhh.. getting all crazy giddy over birthday messages from him, basically having a total FLOOD, total unstoppable RUSH of feelings for him.

Talked with T about this last night.

*sexual content**trig*

Basically told her I would be ashamed of myself if I did anything sexual with him so soon, that I hate my pattern of sleeping with someone right away, that it makes me hate myself and feel dirty, that I'm really NOT the kind of girl that should be EASY!

Well, after tonight, I have to face it, I'm ******* EASY. I just AM. I'm sorry, T.

Last night I gave him a BJ. We'd gone out dancing, I was drinking. I think my drinks were stronger than I thought. I danced with him a lot. Then he drove me home. Then.. he came inside.. And it just happened..

The worst part is it was all for his pleasure. I gave him a freaking BJ. I didn't get anything out of it.

And he did things, things that REINFORCE my old patterns which I'm trying to break!!!!! Like he choked me a little while we were kissing..

I feel like a *****. I never want to show my face to T again. I was trying so hard to be GOOD and do the right thing and date mindfully.. and then I let it happen again.. I can still taste him in my mouth.. I feel sick and just want to curl up and die.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by jexa

Basically told her I would be ashamed of myself if I did anything sexual with him so soon

Jexa, I'm sorry you feel so bad. Are you maybe setting yourself up to fail by paying too much attention to the behavior/symptoms instead of any issues?

[googley]

((((((((jexa)))))

There is nothing wrong with coming here for support. We are here to support you, whenever you need it. I am so sorry that this guy did not turn out to be as wonderful as he seemed at first. I'm so sorry that this happened.

You are a wonderful person and deserve someone who is just as wonderful as you are. This guy was not the one. You do not need to apologize to T. Your T will not be angry with you. Maybe you feel like you need to apologize to yourself? T will help you figure out what happened so that you can keep it from happening again. It takes time to break old habits that are comfortable (even if we know they are bad).

I'm so sorry this happened and wish I could do more for you than just write this post.

[skeksi]

It's hard to change old patterns, isn't it? I think a lot of times we have to see it happening and get upset it about, over and over, before we can really understand how and when to change our behavior. Change is very hard, and it doesn't happen in one fell swoop. You saw the pattern today, and you understand how it affects you. That's a big piece of the puzzle. {{{jexa}}}

[jexa]

Perna, I don't know. I thought I was dealing with the real issues too. I don't know if I set myself up to fail.

Googley, I'm not sure I want it to be over with this guy.. I do think I screwed up and didn't value myself enough to wait to give him this. I should apologize to myself, I guess, but how do I do that? FYI: The choking thing.. it was actually kinda sexy, it didn't hurt.. but at the same time I feel guilty because I know where that kind of stuff leads me (a very dark place). I don't know how I feel about him after all this. He's been great, funny, kind, understanding, and fun to be around! He just.. I was drunk.. I was the one who initiated.. it's not his fault.

Another piece to this is he asked if I wanted him to stay the night and I told him he could crash on the couch, but not in bed with me. Now I wish I had asked him to sleep next to me because then I wouldn't feel so dirty..

skeksi, yes.. I guess it's good that I'm seeing the pattern. I was drunk so of course I acted in accordance with my pattern.. seeing how it played out, I guess, will help me.

But what do I do now? I keep wanting to call him, send a text, anything! But we don't normally communicate like that. He always texts first, and we only see each other once a week so far. But now I'm feeling desperate and anxiety is high. I want my T.. What do I DO? I want to talk to him, I want to make it better.. I don't know what the best course of action is. I don't know how to feel better or fix what I've done.. It doesn't help that I'm also hung over right now.

I want to see him again. Or maybe I don't. I'm so scattered and confused. What do I do now? When do I call him? Do I call him? Do I wait for him to call? What's the next move? Do I explain that I want to take a step back? Or do I just take a step back without explaining? What if he rejects me? What if he never calls? I hate relationships. I hate sex. I wish I could cut out every part of me that ever wanted sex. I hate my body. This stupid lump of skin and nerves and flesh. I hate this stupid self.

[granite1]

are you able to call your T.i think you need to decide how you feel about this guy and work from that point.give him some time and maby call him if you decide you still want a relationship with him.if you do want a relationship and not just sex honesty is probibly the best policy.

[WePow]

(((((((( Jexa ))))))))) It is ok to slip up while we are healing. You can continue the forward motion you are making. Instead of using your precious energy beating up yourself for what was done, use that energy to journal about things. Review your feelings and the patterns. Using energy like that will allow you to transform the event into another learning experience rather than a negative event. It is not about how many times we fall down, it is about how many times we get back up.

(((((((jexa)))))))

don't be hard on yourself girl. we all fall down about a gazillion times before we figure it out. i sure do anyway. it sounds like maybe the drinking is an area to set some boundaries with in your life. something like have only one drink or if that isn't realistic then just don't drink on dates.

[jexa]

Thanks for the support ((((granite)))) ((((WePow)))) ((((bloom))))

granite, I don't want to call my T about this. I just don't want to take up her time outside the office with this stuff when really it needs a full discussion in a session. The main thing I want to do is call her and ask, what do I do next? How do I handle this now? But she can't make my decisions for me. Honesty with him, yes, is going to be important here, but how much/what kind of honesty? What do I need to tell him right now? I did text him, to tell him I had fun (sigh, I just needed to text him something).. he texted back that he wants to take me out to a show sometime.. I don't know. I guess that wasn't honest.

WePow, I read your post earlier and I've been trying to think about it in that way, like this is an opportunity to problem-solve, step in and change the pattern, since I've seen this happen in my life before. Thanks so much for giving me that perspective because I have been trying to use this energy constructively.

Can someone tell me if this plan sounds right?

I'm mainly trying to temper all the emotions that are coming up right now.. The rejection fears are very overpowering but I am NOT going to act according to this fear. It's just going to have to be there and I'm just going to have to keep my hands off my phone. I am NOT calling him or texting again. He's calling me to initiate the next date. Then, at the next date, we don't go so far. If he tries to go further than just second base stuff, I'll stop it and explain that after a night of drinking and dancing, it was hard NOT to jump the gun, and I really would rather take things down a notch. I think that I will be able to do that. To take back the wheel.

Whew. This reasonable? I've been thinking about this all day. I really, really want to make the right decisions this time.

bloom, I just feel really bad that I went straight from therapy to this date and did exactly what I told myself I wouldn't do. It's just hard NOT to be hard on myself when I screw up like that. But I wouldn't be in therapy if I didn't have flaws to work on. I'm just another human being, trying to be a better person than I've been before. The worst thing to do is to get depressed about what I did and let it set me back even more.

I think you're right about drinking. On dates, drinking should be just one. I actually have never been one to have a hard time with addiction (I smoked cigarettes for a year and quit with relative ease) so I think it's doable to keep myself to just one. Thing is, I never would have gotten up and danced if I hadn't had two or three drinks. Never. I'm just too shy. So I guess this means no more dancing on dates, either. There's just no way I can dance in front of people without alcohol.

[WePow]

Jexa, first - I am SO PROUD OF YOU!! You are doing the work! The processing of the emotions is the hardest part. You mention "tempering" the emotions. I would recommend what my T says to me a lot because I tend to do the same thing with watering down the emotions... to allow yourself to FEEL FULLY the emotions at this time. You are doing right by not RE-acting out of fear. But you can ACT out of the wisdom you are gaining from your heard work.

It may be that you need to make an action plan for yourself. And it may be that you slip up again and do not do what YOU WANT to do. But the more you study the dance of your feet through this life, the more grace your life dance will have. And you will be able to enjoy it the way YOU want to enjoy it.

[zooropa]

(((((Jexa)))))
I'm thinking about how to respond, but in the meantime I wanted you to know that I read your post and I'm here, and I'm proud of you. Noticing those patterns and wanting to change them is the vitally important first step in the process.

[jexa]

((((WP)))) ((((zoo))))

Maybe you're right, WePow, that I need to feel these emotions fully. I'm just afraid that feeling them fully will make me lose my ability to control myself. I get so overcome with my emotions sometimes and it feels like if I let myself feel them they will take over. It's really important that I maintain my control over my reactions to this.. I don't want to drive this guy away. Is it safe to feel these emotions? What if I lose control of myself?

Thanks for the support ((((zoo)))).. I do think noticing this pattern and really thinking and working hard to change it is a HUGE step in my healing and vitally important to my therapy. I'm glad I have my T to work through this with me.

After a conversation with my sister today, I think I might initiate the next date.. she said I should have complete control of the next date we have together and that will help me get my power back. Maybe she is right.

Will someone tell me:

Is this pushy, to set up the next date?

If we've been seeing each other once a week, and I initiate the next date earlier than the once/week thing we've been doing, is that going to make me seem clingy? Is it going to let him know I'm vulnerable?

How long should I wait? Am I rushing things?

How do you know if a guy has good intentions? What conversation do you have to assess how serious someone is about you? My emotions are so haywire right now, and it would crush me to think that he was just seeing this as a casual thing.

I just can't stop thinking about this.. I'm in full-on obsession mode right now but I've been strong and haven't called him or freaked out or anything.. someone keep me sane.. this is EXACTLY the point where I've always fallen off the deep end before in relationships. I am so messed up about this stuff.

I REALLY want to just go with the flow.. but I can feel all my nerves firing like crazy. It's like my brain is short-circuiting and I feel I am in danger. I need to run away but there's no place to go.. I need to freak out but I don't want the consequences of that. I'm so agitated.. biting my nails, twitching, pacing around the house.. nothing calms me down, nothing makes me feel okay.. feel like I'm about to fall of the edge of a cliff. He's all I can think about. I am so freaking scared right now. I'm crawling out of my skin.

HELP!

I want my T.. Someone tell me what to do..

[WePow]

(((((( Jexa )))))))

1) Take a deep breath and give yourself a big hug. You have come a LONG way and you CAN make it through this life lesson.

2) It is NEVER EVER wrong to do what is in your best interests when it comes to self-healing.

3) Be honest with your new friend about what is going on. You do not have to give personal details, but you can be firm and set your boundaries. That is something that survivors of abuse have to learn HOW to do. You had your boundaries stepped on and trampled. But now is the time you can take back your power and learn how to set those boundaries in place.

If I were in your shoes, I would call the guy up and just have an honest conversation in general words. Something like "Hi there. I just wanted to let you know that I really did enjoy your company the other night. But I am at the point in my life where I am doing some serious self-care. A big part of that for me is learning how to set up my own personal boundaries in a safe way. So there are some things about what happened the other night that I need to go over with you when I see you again. Speaking of which, I am available on xxxx at xxxx time. If you would like to join me for xxxx , I would welcome your company and it would give us a chance to talk this over."

Big hugs to you!!!!!!

[jexa]

Thanks wepow

I just found out my grandpa died this morning, from Alzheimer's.

And I also found out my T is leaving for the whole month of July because her dad is dying of Alzheimer's. She told me this Friday but oh my god..

There is no way I can call that guy and say those things. It takes too much strength and I have none. I'm just a blob, nothing, I'm nothing.

Falling apart..

Losing it.. bigtime..

Really losing it..

[Sannah]

Jexa, I'm so sorry about your grandpa. When is your next appt. with your T?

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by jexa

So here I am, come crawling back..

Welcome back, jexa! We couldn't care less about your mode of travel. (“Enlightenment doesn't care how you get there.” -- Thaddeus Golas )

Sorry I'm late coming to this thread. I wasn't expecting you back yet so I've only been checking for your posts every few days.

I'm listening to you from a bit of a distance but perhaps I can give us both some benefit of that distance. The distinction I find myself wanting to draw is between experiencing whatever you're experiencing, and acting out. You seem to have been doing some of both and (it sounds like) mixing them up:

This past week I started getting all obsessed about that guy I've been dating.. (here comes the pattern), thinking about him all the time, thinking he was sure to reject me, reading through his WHOLE wall on Facebook, looking through all of his pictures and his friends and blahhhh.. getting all crazy giddy over birthday messages from him, basically having a total FLOOD, total unstoppable RUSH of feelings for him.

This past week I started getting all obsessed about that guy I've been dating.. (here comes the pattern), thinking about him all the time, thinking he was sure to reject me, reading through his WHOLE wall on Facebook, looking through all of his pictures and his friends and blahhhh.. getting all crazy giddy over birthday messages from him, basically having a total FLOOD, total unstoppable RUSH of feelings for him.

You're also busy putting together a story around whatever just happened:

Basically told her I would be ashamed of myself if I did anything sexual with him so soon, that I hate my pattern of sleeping with someone right away, that it makes me hate myself and feel dirty, that I'm really NOT the kind of girl that should be EASY!

Well, after tonight, I have to face it, I'm ******* EASY. I just AM. I'm sorry, T.
...
I feel like a *****. I never want to show my face to T again. I was trying so hard to be GOOD and do the right thing and date mindfully.. and then I let it happen again.. I can still taste him in my mouth.. I feel sick and just want to curl up and die.

Looking at it as "I let it happen again," especially, is only going to make it harder for you to see what actually happened, experience whatever you experienced, and move on. When you say you "let it happen again", it's as if there's this thing out there separate from you that keeps doing nasty stuff to you, that you've got to guard against and apologize for. Suppose there is no "again", there's only now. When you find yourself choosing to give someone a BJ, what's that about for you? What statement are you making, to them, to yourself, perhaps even to T? And no, no, NO, I'm not trying to tell you you mustn't make such statements or give BJs. I'm just asking: was it a statement you were choosing to make, or felt you had to? And if you had to, what exactly was driving you? You wanted to please him, maybe? You wanted to keep him around? You wanted to see how he'd take it, to test if he was worth continuing a relationship with? You wanted to prove nobody could care about you so you wouldn't have to worry about relationships any more? You wanted him to reject you and get it over with, drop the other shoe? This is just what I can make up, on short notice and at a distance; I barely know you and I wasn't there. Any of these, if they turned out to be true for you, could give you another handle on mindful dating.

Whatever you do, though, stop beating yourself up for what happened, trying to fix it up and make it mean something different. Mindfulness is in the exact opposite direction from that.

More later, quite likely. Gotta run.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by jexa

I just found out my grandpa died this morning, from Alzheimer's.

(((((((((( jexa ))))))))))
I'm sorry.

[googley]

(((((Jexa)))))

I'm so sorry about your grandfather. Was this your abusive grandfather? Please take care of yourself.

I'm sorry that your T is having family problems so she wont be around for you in July. We will be here for you as much as we can help you while she is gone.

Lots of hugs.

[Perna]

I'm sorry your T's father is dying of the same thing as your grandfather and will be gone for a month. I know you know that's coincidence but it is a huge one. I hope you and your T will be able to work hard in June and really make good progress as a result.

[lily99]

(((((((((jexa))))))))))
take care

[BlackCanary]

Originally Posted by jexa

Someone tell me what to do..

first -
Since you asked.....
1) take care of yourself first - each day get up and figure out what it takes to get thru the day and safely back to bed at night. Do that and no more than that; protect yourself.
2) deal with the death in the family as appropriate ( or or other)
3) tell the guy that you've had a death in the family and you will call him in June - you just need some space and some family time.

Next month you can make time to get to know the guy on some low-key dates (walk in the park, matinee movie + dinner).

[Typo]

(((((((((((Jexa))))))))))))))))

I don't have the words to respond, but I just wanted to let you know your not alone, I have similar things I am going through myself right now

Please remeber to take care of yourself

Many peaceful thoughts and best wishes
Typo

[WePow]

((((((((((((( Jexa ))))))))))))) wow ! I am so sorry! Tons of hugs!!!

[jexa]

Thanks everyone
cant handle this
sorry can't reply to anyone right now.

no googley, not the grandpa that was abusive.

This grandpa, I really liked.

[googley]

(((((((Jexa)))))))

Know that we are thinking about you. Take your time and don't feel like you have to reply at any point before you are ready (or at all). Just know that we care.