help!!! my T cancled and i hate her

yes she did i havnt seen her for a month and she just called up to cancel my monday appt after all the thought i have put into this appointment and everything.i hate her and it was a stupid idea to even try to think about things to talk to her about.she doesnt care about me at all .i feel so unimportant to everyone.it was stupid to even think any therapy would help me i just wish i was dead i hate life and always will i hate her and my whole life it just sucks why are people so fake and useless.im going to write her the worst letter letting her know just how i feel for a change .what did she expect i would say anything but fine over the phone.she didnt even offer to reschedual to another day she just said so ill see you on the 14th.NO SHE WONT NOT EVER.it was stupid to even think i could trust anyone. i just dont know what to do anymore it all just seems so useless. everything.i held myself together knowing i had therapy on monday i did so great only a few small meltdown and for what?NOTHING why do i not cut my arms all up it isnt for me i would love to do that it has always been for others but for what nobody gives a crap im in it for me now and im going to be the way i want too be im not going to see her anymore and i have noone to answer to anymore

(((((granite)))))
Ouch. I know how much that hurts. That abandonment and rejection being triggered, it hurts. A lot.

I'm so sorry she cancelled you, after a whole month of waiting. Did she give you a reason? I encourage you to call her back and tell her how you feel, or send her an email. It's ok to be hurt & feel rejected by her, and it's ok to tell her that. Maybe she can fit you in some other time next week so you could talk about this, if you ask her.

I'm just so sorry.

zoo im so angry now i dont think anyone can deal with me im scared i hate her so much im so hurt and so unimportant to he.i cant call her she never gave me permission to or to email her or anything i can send her a letter and i probibly will because im never seeing her again so i dont have to worry about her reading it .SHE made me promice i would be committed to therapy and i have kept going but i guess she is the one who isnt commited or maby this is her way of punishing me for going to take care of the mother IDK people SUCK

(((( granite ))))) wow. That is so aweful! Can you find a different T? Maybe a bad question for you - if so I am very sorry. But there are some Ts who do not deserve to be Ts. It takes so much work to trust someone! I am just so so sorry for what happened!

hugs wepowthanks for responding.right now i dont want any therapy and i just want to be the way i want to be im done it is all for nothing anyway.i really was just stupid to think my life could ever be better or that anyone would care enough to even help a little make it better.i dont even want to try.im sorry i now this is to heavy but i just really want to give up im tired and its really is for nothing.all this holding myself together .no SI or bad behavior.its bull crap and people dont care anyway why should they?im just sososo hurt and feeling betrayed and punished by my T and i WILL NOT let that happen again not bye anyone else

I know you're hurting and you're angry.

Vent, vent, vent away! And then, please, try to be kind to yourself...

((((((((((((granite))))))))))))!!!!!

It's okay to be angry. My T always tells me that feelings are information. Maybe your anger is telling you that you DESERVE to be treated better than you're being treated. That is a powerful message.

I know you don't want to do therapy with her anymore...but I wonder what it would feel like if you kept your appointment on the 14th and went in and told her how you really feel?

Did T give a reason for canceling? I'm wondering if she has some kind of family emergency or something. I would hope that she wouldn't cancel lightly. It would just be SO wrong if she were canceling as a punishment.

Be gentle with you. You deserve to be treated well. Pay attention to the wisdom in your feelings.

((((((Granite))))))

I'm so sorry you are having such a bad time. I'm sorry your T canceled on you after being gone for so long. I know I would have been upset if that happened to me.

she has a seminar she is going to. but she didnt even offer to see me another day she just said so i'll se you on the 14th.but then i feel why would she bother seeing me sooner i just go and dont say anything i guess for her this was the beginning of the end anyway.she dont understand.behaviors are easy.i could walk into her office and scream and yell and make no sence at all,throw things around,cut the heck out of my body and she would know exactally where my head is at.but words are hard. i just dont have any to give her. im done im tired and thats it .and im so sorry

If you want an earlier appointment than the 14th, ask for one. She has a seminar. She didn't do this TO you; she just did this to go to a seminar. It wasn't a statement about you in any way.

not so easy farmer girl i cant even open my mouth to her but it doesnt mater now anyway.its all good

Yes, it matters. Ask for what you need.

It is okay to call and let her know you need an earlier appointment. We don't always think to say so when dealing with the initial disappointment from the cancelling.

It feels hurtful. You didn't say why she needed to cancel, but I don't think she did this to make you feel awful. I understand that it definitely hurts you, but I don't think that it is her intention. Feeling angry and wanting to retaliate by not seeing her... when you are hurting because you want to see her... feels right to you, but would isolate you further.

You may struggle with talking in therapy, and still feel trust and attachment feelings for her that are being affected by the cancellation.

Going to your appointment, honoring yourself by showing your commitment, and telling her how this affected you, will be helpful to you; these are often very good sessions and the connection and commitment are made stronger by them.

hey dont you kno that i am super woman i have no needs i jus give and make sure everyting is goo in everyones word i dont need a damn thing just ask anyone who knows me im just amazingly strong and a wonderful person. hay whats another week without therapy hell its only 5 weeks right.im sorry everybody here i feel iv'e let you all down also.you all were so helpful in atleast trying to get me to have the guts to talk oh well who neds it

Granite, Thats awful. But I will say, you are generalizing, there are good therapists out there that won't "let you down", I know at the moment your speaking from a very hurt and young place, but if you can sit down and "be" with yourself and go over this rationally, then it will help. I'd kick this T to the kerb and find one that is honourable.

I disagree. I don't think this t has acted dishonorably at all. T simply cancelled an appointment for a legitimate reason. I do agree, however, that Granite is generalizing and will need to think about this more rationally.

How could you have let us down, granite1 ?
You are feeling what you are feeling
Your T didn't cancel because you don't matter. Your T didn't cancel because she wanted to hurt you. Your T didn't cancel to make you consider leaving.
Those are all responses that come from within you. Those are your thoughts and your alone. When you decide that those are also T's thoughts, then it feels hurtful, as if it is something coming from outside of you, when it actually is coming from inside. When you see T, you can find out what her thoughts are by talking about this, sharing your thoughts and seeing how they compare to hers.

(((((((( Granite ))))))))))) What you are sharing really makes a ton of sense. I am just sorry that you were hurt again and hurt this badly. I don't remember is you have access to her email account, but in this situation, if it were me, I would email here and say just exactly what was on my heart and mind! You have invested too much. And maybe she just needs to see how you feel. Sometimes email can be used to show things we can't yet say in therapy - just as a tool to help us move forward. If nothing else, it may help you get your emotions out there so you don't just terminate without you being able to express your pain.

((((((((((((Granite)))))))))))))))

I thought about this a little more, and wanted to add something.

There is no way that T could know how important this session was to you. She doesn't know the work you have been doing outside of therapy, and the processing you're doing with us. She may not now how hard you're working to be able to talk. If you haven't told her, she can't know how much you need her, and how much you need your sessions.

T has taught me that he can't read my mind, and I have to ask for what I need. Even when it seems SO OBVIOUS. In fact, there have been times when I KNOW T knows what I need, and he still won't give it to me unless I ask specifically. Ugh, I hate it, but it honestly has taught me a really important skill that I can use outside of therapy. When I need something, I have to ask for it. My H, my friends, my kids, can't read my mind. But if I ask for what I need, I usually can get it.

What if you call T and simply say "I need to see you before the 14th"? Just that one sentence. It doesn't have to be perfect, you don't have to sound any certain way. You can sound angry, you can stumble over your words, you can stutter...and T will know what you really need, and might be able to give it to you if she has a spot free. Even if she doesn't have a spot free, she will start learning how important therapy is to you, and might handle something like this differently in the future.

to you.

i feel like i let everybody down because i did some not so good things lastnight and im sorry.i did send her an e mail saying that i wasnt going to see her anymore and that i wrote a letter with an explination that i felt i owed her.i have mailed that.she would have probibly stoped seeing me if she knew that i SI last night anyway.im way to ashaimed to even think about going back, over everything.today im better.im kind of in shock and really really numb.a place i like to be.it makes being here easier

in my head i know that T "just cancled an appointment for a legitimate reason" but not in my heart.I can sit here a rationalize it all to death.i have and it still didn't change how i feel. maybe im not so mad at T as i am at the fact that she had to cancel i han't seen her in 4 weeks a lot has gone on bye not even sugesting that maybe we could just change the day made me think it was totally unimportant to her that she see me at all.mabe she has no free time,mabe she was leaving today,mabe tree was right and she was waiting for me to open up my mouth and ask for what i need even if she already knew what it was.i dont know but i doesnt change how it all left me feeling

I agree....Feelings just "are"....It may be worthwhile to explore your feelings and see where they may stem from. Our reactions to things usually have some kind of connection to something else in our lives. There's a reason why you're feeling this way. There's a reason why you are angry with T for not suggesting an alternate date instead of you speaking up to ask her if she has availability sooner than your next scheduled appt.

yes i am really hurt by all this but im sorry to make you think my T was not a nice person she is ok .i just felt like i didnt matter to her at all. i realy am trying to be rational about it all today.im realy numb and not quite so reactive today but rationality still hasnt returned yet

Granite,

I'm sorry that your t canceling your appointment has set off your rejection and abandonment triggers. Does it bring to mind other times when you felt unimportant and forgotten?

I think Tree made a really good point, and that is that your t doesn't know you were working hard preparing for your session. She doesn't know anything about what you think or feel except what you've told her. When she canceled for the seminar and said she'd see you on your next appointment, that doesn't necessarily mean that she wouldn't see you sooner if you let her know you really needed to.

I understand that you feel angry, sad, and rejected. And i would feel very disappointed myself if my t canceled! But i don't see anything in this situation that indicates that she doesn't care about you and want to work with you anymore. In fact, when reading your post, i wondered if your t could be taking that seminar in order to help you in your therapy? We just don't know.

Has your t cancelled repeatedly or done other things that make you feel you cannot work with her? I hate to see you terminate now. You were doing such good work here on PC coming up with ideas on how to break through your silence and communicate with her. You could be on the verge of a breakthrough.

I'm sorry to hear that your pain was so bad that you self-injured. It sounds like you have alot of difficult feelings inside that you need help with. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today.

hi wepow i did email her to tell her i wasnt comming anymore and i sent her a letter with an explination.i let her know what was in my heart i tried not to be angry and blame her for everything.i know that these were my emotions.she probibly would have stoped seeing me anyway