Can't Get Past the Rupture

Hi Sannah,

I have started talking to my t about this. I saw her yesterday. Unfortunately, i thought my session was 1 hour later than it really was, so when i arrived, i had only 20 minutes left. Yes, i can see where my feelings about what t did are wrapped up in (or similar to) the feelings i had about mom. But it still feels like t did something insensitive and hurtful.

Just called and left a voice message asking t to contact me if she has a cancellation today. Then changed my mind and said forget it.

AAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGG!!!!!! I really hate this. . .

((((((((Peaches)))))))))

Something I notice is that when you decide to go with your gut feeling and schedule an extra appointment, or a make-up appointment, or when T offers you an appointment that you think is inconveniencing her, you almost immediately change your mind. Maybe this pattern is something to discuss, if you haven't already.

You obviously feel bad about having only 20 minutes this week and you chose to do something positive for yourself by asking if you could see your T again. So, why did you change your mind?

I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time with therapy lately.

T called and told me she had 11 am open today if i wanted to come. A part of me wanted to say No, I didn't need her. But i knew if i didn't go, then the pain I'm feeling about all of this will continue until next week when i talk to her. So i said Yes, I'd be there at 11 am.

It went good! I got more clarification from her about the email incident. First off, I had assumed when she didn't reply to my message of gratitude and attachment, that it meant she didn't care, that it didn't mean anything to her, or that she was actually bothered by it and wanted to pull away from me.

We figured out that one reason I assumed this is because when i express my emotions to my parents and it is meant with silence, no reply to what i've said, it usually means (or i take it to mean) that they don't like or agree with what i said. Then i make a mental note not to bring it up again. So that's why when i expressed attachment feelings to t and she didn't respond to my sentiments, i took it as her rejecting those feelings, and me for having them.

T told me that the email did mean something to her. She thought it was lovely and felt touched. She does not know why she did not respond with at least a short acknowledgement, except for that she was busy and her sister being in the hospital. She understood, especially after we talked about my parents lack of response to things, how her nonresponse hurt me. She admitted it was insensitive of her and she was sorry i'd been carrying around this hurt for so long. She also told me that she had not been trying to push me away. She thinks it's important when we can share connection in a session.

I also told her what my husband said -- that she was probably trying to withdraw from me and get me to stand on my own two feet because she was going to retire soon. T said if she was going to retire, she would not be pushing me away. If anything, she would be drawing me closer because she does not want her retirement to be another painful loss like i've had in the past.

She assured me that my wanting to feel attached with her was OK. I also apologized for being so sensitive and getting hurt so easy. I admitted that while i thought her response to my email was initially rude, that i was rude for continuing to email when i knew she didn't like it and was busy.

We really didn't talk about what i was going to do about continuing to email versus not email. But i still feel that i want to try not to email. I want to try somehow to hang onto the connected feeling without needing between session booster shots.

One thing she said though that hurt somewhat -- she had told me previously that if she retired, she'd open up her own private practice again and try to get on my insurance so i could keep seeing her. Today, when i brought up the subject of retirement, she said if she was going to retire, along with drawing me closer, she would also be helping me transition to seeing somebody else.

So. . .i guess this means that when she retires, she really is going to retire. I know it's her decision, and i don't want to press her to keep treating me when she goes. I imagine it's pretty expensive to have her own practice, what with having to rent an office, carry malpractice insurance, etc. It just wouldn't make financial sense to do it for a handful, or even a couple of patients who aren't ready to terminate. She might even start feeling resentful down the line if she did that when she really deep down wanted to retire. So i didn't say anything when she told me that. I just need to tuck that information in the back of my mind and trust that when the time comes to terminate, she will help it not feel like a tragic abandonment.

I am SO GLAD for my t, and that we can talk about our problems!! It's hard to do and painful, but usually i go away feeling so much better and having learned in the process.

I feel peaceful and connected to t now.

She also asked if she could sit next to me again, and i know that she would have hugged me if i wanted her to. But i didn't. I really just wanted to know that she cared. In fact, when she's sitting right there, i usually can't even look at her because it's so close. I feel so vulnerable and it's a bit scary. So i usually just stare straight ahead while she's talking. I probably seem rude!!

im sure she doesnt think your rude.itwould be really intense to have T that close to me i dont thnk i could handle that and i bet your T knows why you look away

Good job talking things over with your T Peaches! Above ^, however, you are again analyzing something that happened between the 2 of you WITHOUT INVOLVING T IN THE CONVERSATION! I know old habits are hard to break and you are starting to break this habit. Just keep being aware!!

Hi Sannah,

Thanks for pointing out my tendency to create scenarios in my head without involving the other person. (You're my reality check! LOL!) It's just SOOO ingrained in me to do this. I know it must be because my parents are so secretive. They don't tell me about important things, like when they got divorced. I found out from my sister. And I always, always have had to try and guess what's going on in their head. So i guess i automatically do it with everybody. The other piece of it is that i often feel afraid to ask questions directly of people. I'm afraid of either putting them on the spot, or I'm afraid the answer will hurt or disappoint me. It seems safer to try to figure it out myself, but when i do that, it seems i get things all wrong. . .though it often "feels" like i'm right.

Hi Elliemay,

Thanks for "getting it." You understand how i felt and why it hurt so bad. You're right about the default setting. I have such a deep feeling of unimportance due to past experiences that my mind is preset to that. So with t being kind and interested, i was trying to reprogram my brain to accept that, "hey yeah, i am important and cared about!" But then when she didn't reply to my email, my brain snapped back into its usual belief. It hurt and was a letdown, and i thought, "Oh no! She doesn't care after all! I was only making it up in my own head because i wanted it to be true." All i could see was a big "rejection" sign flashing. And that just led to a spiral down, down, down, until i was able to talk to my t and talk things through and find out that she does still care.

My t and i talked it over yesterday, and i feel much better now. She understood why it hurt me, based on my background, and apologized for being insensitive. She let me know her caring is real.

Peaches, this is something to keep and remember, a very special moment in therapy.
Interpreting the "meta-message" in someone's actions or response is so completely normal for women especially, and when your FOO typically communicated very indirectly. I've been working on how to not accept the meta-message I create, but instead to ask the clarifying question of the other person ("wait, did you mean ____?" or "could you say that again?")

I think you did great in finding out what T really meant!

I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep thinking the "email situation" with my t is resolved, and when we talk about it, i feel better initially. But after a day or so, it just comes back again. the hurt feelings. and also the urge to pull back.

Last week, i went to therapy and was entirely in the "adult" mode. Had a productive session. But couldn't access any of my hurt emotions, or even the vulnerable or child-like part of me. I felt emotionally numb and very business like. I can't find the emotions anymore -- good or bad. I feel blocked off for protection ever since the email episode. i can't seem to open that part of me back up.

it feels like the last straw -- that i told t i like her, and why, and the fear of loving her too much and losing her. and her replying that she was too busy. i feel my heart drop every time i think of it. i feel in my gut that she must have felt uncomfortable and that's why she responded in such a terse way. now i'm afraid to tell her how i feel about her anymore. i don't want to feel attached because i don't think she likes me in return. i'm afraid it's all "put on" just because it's her job and she wants me to feel good about myself.

i don't know what to do. i don't want to be upset. My adult self understands what happened and is not holding a grudge. In fact, i don't think the child part of me is even holding a grudge. But that part of me is hunkered down and hurting, and doesn't want to go to t anymore. i know it's irrational, it's probably not reasonable. but it's how that part of me feels. how do i get rid of the hurt feelings and go back to the open trusting way i was before this last disappointment?

I've been thinking that maybe i shouldn't push the hurt part of me to come out of hiding or to be present in sessions. maybe i should just be my adult self in therapy. but if the child part of me won't show up again, i don't feel able to resolve my childhood trauma and attachment problems. i'll just be this business-like, analytical patient intellectualizing during the therapy hour.

My t and I have had misunderstandings and problems before, but they have never gone on so long without feeling resolved. It has already been 5 weeks since what happened, and we've already talked about it 3 times. I don't know of anything else to do.

Can somebody please lock/erase this thread? There's no point in continuing it. I've gotten alot of good advice and still can't seem to "get past it." I'm just pestering everybody else. There's nothing left to say. . .

Peaches - I have an experience I'd like to share with you. I did the same thing you did with my own therapist at the time. Fortunately, I had two - one for addictions and one for trauma.

I talked to my trauma counsellor about what was going on. It still wasn't feeling resolved.

This had been an ongoing pattern for my for years. I finally went to see my doctor and bared my soul, told him exactly what was going on. He perscribed Prozac. Within a week I felt so much better.

What I am saying is that it may be something chemical in your brain which is doing this. It may be worth to talk to your own doctor about it and see what the options are.

Your not whining - your in distress. You deserve to get help.

I don't think you get to go back to the way it was entirely, because you (and your inner child) have the knowledge of the event.

Did you tell T that this is your fear, that you can't get back into the trusting mode, the open mode, the vulnerable place you had reached before the rupture?

My inner "teen" mind also seems to respond differently than my logical adult mind. VERY reluctant to trust. However, I have found that if her issues are not addressed, she makes her presence known.

So give that inner child of yours some time and space? Let her make her presence known again?
What would happen if you took a 2-3 wk break?

Peaches, I wish there was some way for you to accept your T's apology. She said she was sorry and acknowledged that she had been insensitive. It is unfortunate she didn't respond soon after the email, but that's past and can't be changed. I bet she wishes she could go back and do things differently. It sounds like she has tried to make it right with you. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive her.

Peaches, there have been times when I get "stuck" on something. It is awful, and so hard to see a way to move out of that. Since I have known my T, he suggests EMDR for those "stuck" times. He says the EMDR helps shake the memory free and allows me to continue processing it. I wonder if your T has a way to help you get unstuck?

There have been times in my therapy when I've just had to make a conscious choice to accept an apology from T and keep moving forward. Sometimes, there is just really no way for him to make something up to me...it's in the past, he's acknowledged whatever is is that hurt my feelings, he's apologized, we've talked about it. I want to be able to be connected with T and to move forward in my therapy, so I take a chance and accept his apology and forgive him. It's not always quick, or easy, but I have always managed to get to that point.

I think in the past, forgiving someone was "giving in". If I had been really hurt and hadn't been able to express my feelings and be heard, or if there was going to be a punishment for expressing my feelings, I would just give in and move on and feel, somewhere inside, weak and worthless. The difference with T is that it is okay for me to express ALL of my feelings, and he will listen, and hear them, and care for them. And once I'm heard, and he's apologized, there really is nothing to do but move on.

It IS taking a chance. I used to think "but what if I forgive him and I get hurt again?". And the thing is, I HAVE been hurt again, and I've probably hurt him at times too. And we've talked about it and learned from it and moved forward. Like my T tells me, that is how real relationships are. They're messy. Sometimes we will feel super close and intimate, sometimes we will feel disconnected, sometimes we will get hurt, sometimes we will revel in being together, sometimes we'll feel happy, sometimes we'll feel angry.

Sometimes when I hang onto a resentment towards my T, it's because I'm avoiding something else. If I'm focused on being mad at T, I don't have to focus on any of the other work of therapy.

Being in conflict with T feels terrible. I hope you are able to find your way out soon

Hi Torn,

Thanks for the heartfelt, caring post. You're exactly right. The issue does go farther than "just wanting a reply to an email," although that in itself is a triggery issue for me. I also wanted to know that she was touched by what i said, yes, that she felt some connection too in the therapy relationship, that it wasn't all sterileness and whitewash. I needed to know that i wasn't the only one with an emotional investment in the relationship, that it meant something to her too. But when i got her terse, clinical reply, it indicated to me that she hadn't been moved at all. It was simply another email in her box that was an interruption in her day, like an item on a "to do" list. It make me feel very shamed and small, and very angry at myself for having come to think that the relationship was any more meaningful than just an hour-long collaborative endeavor. My feelings are hurt now, and i'm afraid to "put myself out there" ever again by expressing any kind of attachment feelings toward her. The thing is, she's said she's sorry now, and i should be able to let it go. But the hurt is still there and i can't get rid of it. i guess it has reminded me of other times in my life when i've really risked my neck and swallowed my pride to openly tell somebody how much i care about them and have been used, taken advantage of, or simply flung aside. I know t wasn't trying to do that. But that's how it felt and still feels to the little girl part of me inside. Like she doesn't want my attachment feelings, or to have any attachment with me. And then there's the little voice inside saying, "See? I told you not to get attached. I told you that you would just get hurt again. You're just a time slot in her day, a "3 O'clock," not even a person. Once you leave her office, she doesn't want anything to do with you. Your messages are just a nuisance, like you are."

I have a session today, and i hate to go in there and rehash this again. But i don't know what else to do. I can't get past this.

Oh, Peaches, those are the words I want to tell my ex-T!

Print this, bring this today. Talk about why this hurts so much - and those past hurts where you have no chance to work it out, where you did not get to hear an apology, where you could not stick up for yourself like you can do in therapy.
Good luck sweetie!!

I'm sorry I have not been able to respond to each and every one of you. I really tried and want to! But the thread seems to have gotten away from me. By the time i answer everybody, it will be OLD BORING news from the Peach! I'd hate to leave you sawing logs. . .

A few more things have happened, and my t and i have sort of reconciled now. Still some lingering pain, but we had a frank talk yesterday, and i understand better now why she didn't reply to my attachment-based email last month. I wrote about it in "What I Sent My T."

Wow. . .how can i express my gratitude for all of you who have read my threads and chimed in with your empathy, insights, and suggestions? I've never met any of you, and probably never will, but I've told you more than i've told anyone except my t. I feel close to you.

Peaches, your inner child needs to be present in therapy for you to resolve this. This really isn't so much about T as it is about your past, your mother etc. This (your past and your mother) is what you need to work through to move past this.

Peaches, you always impress me with your inner strength. I just wanted you to know that.

Well, I “failed” my plan not to email my t.

I sent her a message from my adult self, as well as from the child. The adult message was telling her about a repetition I see in our therapy relationship of 1. Learning to trust and open up. 2. Facing my pain and t. assisting and helping to comfort me. 3. Feeling some relief and healing, which leads to 4. Emailing and telling t. how good I feel about therapy and that I feel attached to her, followed by 5. T. doesn’t reply or says something that makes me feel like she doesn’t care, 6. I feet hurt and it “undoes” all of the good feelings/attachment, 7. I distance emotionally from her because I feel she has done that to me. 8. We talk it over and resolve it. 9. I have to start all over at step 1 developing trust in the relationship again. I told her I don’t understand why this keeps happening. . .why just when I get to the point where I feel good about therapy and that we are starting to “get somewhere,” something happens to throw a wrench in it.

The child’s message was about how I feel when she does not reply to my email. Anxiety and hurt and pains in my stomach. Followed by shutting down and going into hiding.

Well anyway, after I sent the messages, I thought about how extreme my emotional reaction is whenever T. doesn’t reply to a message. I feel that this is pushing me away, that she is angry with me or doesn’t like me anymore, and I feel shame/bad for having bothered her. All of a sudden, I could see a link with what happened with my parents as a child.

When I was in grade school, I’d come home from school and really miss my mom. So I’d call her at work. Sometimes, one call did not feel like enough, and I would need to call her two or three times. I don’t know why, but I think I just craved the connection, felt empty, and needed to know she was there. Well, my dad would get very mad at me for calling my mom too often, and he would threaten to spank me if I called her again. This really hurt me inside. I “needed” something from my mom, and I ended up feeling that I was “bad” by needing that attachment/connection to her.

In the same way, I feel this compulsion to email T. at work. It’s like I need to know she is there. I need to know she has not forgotten about me or stopped liking me. It’s like a reassurance. But I feel bad about it too. I know I am bothering her, just like I was bothering my mom. And if she does not reply, then I feel like I am being punished. I feel like she is pushing me away, and that I am a bad person for wanting that attachment/connection to her.

So anyway. That’s the insight I had. Then I felt tears starting to come, so I went into a bathroom stall and cried. I’m OK now but am feeling sad. All I really wanted as that small child was to feel attached with my mom. And I ended up feeling bad and wrong.

I kind of wonder if . . .whenever I start to feel very attached with R. . .I’m the one who throws a wrench in it. . .because deep down I feel it is wrong or bad to want that. And any failure on her part to respond feels like a “reprimand” of sorts, some kind of punishment for being bad and bothering her at work.

Weird how those connections start forming when you think about them.

Maybe i won't be able to stop emailing until i resolved this traumatic memory. Do you think?

I hate it that i gave in. . .

Wow!!!! Peaches. I think you should print what you realized about your Mom so you can bring it to your session. Or email it to T. Do you suppose doing EMDR about those experiences would help? You're making progress here; it's all making sense and that means you can get through it, don't you think?