"respond, don't react"

*trigger trigger trigger - sui*

needing wisdom to try and mindfully carry out the above.
and wondering whether quitting it all is not the best answer.

in the past month:
- lost my job
- kicked out of uni
- guy i was semi-involved with told me he still wants his ex, and would go back to her if she said yes. he intends on sending her email to make sure she is still ok with her decision to break up. he'd come over to make sure i was ok after the uni fallout. i told him i needed to feel like a worthwhile person and that i wouldn't do anything that night but could he please stay anyway. he decided to leave. lesson learnt = deli only good for sex.
- cancer-type symptoms i had a few years ago have returned. they didn't find anything last time, but it took 9 months to clear up and for me to go back to normal. i dont have a job this time to be able to pay for all the specialist tests again. and im living out of home so im wondering how im even going to afford the rent. im too unwell right now to find a new job. my head isnt in the right place to be responsible enough to commit to showing up and im not able to concentrate enough to carry out anything properly. hence getting kicked out of uni.
- i dont really have a family anymore. they've been doing all these things without inviting me; things i would've thought maybe someone would have asked me if i wanted to be involved in. the temptation for me would be to return home right now, but ive just realised i dont really have a home to return to anymore.
- pdoc on leave. didnt respond to my txt asking for help. austin-t not the person to talk to right now; he doesn't believe in talking someone out of sui* anyway.
- ive gone off my meds. i'd increased them last week and the sui thoughts had started (known side effect) which is why i'd asked pdoc what to do, and he didnt reply, even though he said i could still get him while he was on leave.

housemate going away over weekend. family going away over weekend & next week. finding it hard to think what else i can do. im tired of this happening. over, and over again. life wasnt meant to be like this and im tired of it being the way it is. no control over anything. always something going wrong. i dont think there are any lessons worth learning from this other than when it's time to decide enough is enough.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( deli )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

hug icons can't communicate how much I wish I could be with you today.
Please contact a help line can you?

and keep trying to find pdoc.

Also if you can't find him, yr "Austin-T" may not be the ideal person to go to , but he is someone who has known you for a long time, and cares about you, and can create a safe place for you. Not a matter of trying to talk you into or out of anything.

I am keeping you close to me. please let us know how you go.
love
yr SAWE

awww, deli. I'm so sorry, sweetie. It sounds like things are really hard for you right now. That is a lot for anyone to handle! You're right, life wasn't meant to be like this. And it doesn't have to be. I know what it's like to be in the place you are now, but I also know that it CAN get better. You don't want to miss out on the chance to see what that's like.

I agree w/SAWE, keep trying to get ahold of pdoc. Does he have someone covering him while he's gone?

I also say, go back on your meds. You have enough other crap going on right now, going off your meds isn't going to help with that. I speak from experience there, too.

And yes, austin-t may not be your first choice to turn to, but is it better than reaching out to a stranger? If so, call him. I have also called crisis lines, many times, and they can be very helpful and comforting.

Lastly, please keep talking here, post as much as you want to and need to. We care about you.

thank you, zooey & sawe.

im doing ok for now, i dont need to call anyone. i.e., i'm not going to do anything impulsive.

i might yet call austin-t, but i know in the past it's only hurt me more to have gone to him when i've needed someone to say "don't do that" rather than "i'm not going to stop you so we're not going to talk about it". i know why that's his policy and i respect his decision, so i'm not going to see him if that's the only thing i need help with. that's disrespecting both me & him if i go in and try to push boundaries that way.

given that the meds are only encouraging this style of thinking, i dont think staying on them is a good idea for now. they have a long life anyway; i'll be protected for about another 2 weeks. if i had pdoc i could actually ask him what to do, but in his absence i just have to rely on my own judgement. i've been off them before and it took about a month before i noticed the plummet. pdoc is back at work next week, so if i'm still around i can touch base then.

re: life can get better. i'm tired of seeing it get worse. and it getting better isn't a guarantee, only a possibility. ive worked really, really ****ing hard to make it better. i know it's not a matter of just trying harder. to think that way would just be a disservice to myself. i know i could keep trying longer, but i'm just tired of trying now. everything ive worked for has been taken away, i'm tired of starting from scratch again. of course i can put in more effort and get back to where i was, but the point is that i don't think it's worth it any longer. the good doesnt outweigh the bad, or the effort it takes to get back to the good. and there's no guarantee that any good will come. maybe this time i'll die from whatever's happening in my body. i was told it was unlikely i'd survive last time. and then they couldn't find anything. so they couldn't do anything. just watch and see what happened. so i probably dont really need to go consult them again this time.

i just dont really care about the future anymore.

(((Deli)))

Take care Deli. Keep posting here. P-doc will be in touch soon. Do something soothing for yourself. Just think about that for now.

Post again soon.

-Far

((((((((((((deli)))))))))))))

I read your post and then went for a run...I wasn't sure how to respond.

While I was running, I was thinking back to times in my life when I wanted to end it..and times in my life when things were really really good...and I remembered that things ALWAYS CHANGE. I try really hard to remember that when things are really bad AND when things are really good. I have a friend who says that when he's super depressed, he tells himself "this too shall pass"...and when he's super happy he tells himself "this too shall pass". Everything changes.

It feels awful to be in that dark place where it seems like nothing is going right and everything is an uphill battle. I'm sorry you're in that place.

There's no way to know what lies ahead. Don't deprive yourself of a chance to find out.

Please text p-doc, call him, e-mail him...whatever you need to do to reach him. My T has told me how hurt and angry he would be if I ever actually ended my own life. P-doc would feel the same way. Give him a chance to help you.

That's a conclusion you came to, not one that you know he came to. And if that is the conclusion he did come to, that is him, not you, not everybody else.

Other than those wise words, I think I understand where you are at the moment (being in a related place myself). Not sure what to do about it. Sucks, doesn't it?

Deli, I don't know what would be helpful to say, but as usual, I want you to know that I care about you.

To go along with your post title, what would responding, rather than reacting ideally look like for you?

The circumstances you've described do sound so very overwhelming. My hope is that "responding" involves some sort of self-care...

Deli, so sorry to hear about all of this.

So much to say, but so little, too.

1. Re: Austin-T, you need him for more than "talking you out of it," you need a T to help you cope with the massive, multiple losses you've just suffered. I think you should see Austin. If somehow he won't deal with you, you need immediate help still.

2. Are there any community clinics or other places you can go to seen ASAP by a T? You shouldn't be alone, and I can't imagine that Austin wouldn't help if it's not presented as sui counseling. (How he won't help with that is beyond me.)

3. I think you need to get pdoc to respond IMMEDIATELY--have his office contact him to let him know you need to talk to him. Have Austin get through to him. This is your time of greatest need since you've been on PC. Don't let it go. pdoc is your best ally.

4. You have so many things that are so serious going on right now. You need to recognize that you're probably not thinking fully clearly. All these setbacks can do that to you, plus you have a situation with your processing being compromised due to medication side-effects.

I'm worried about you. Don't do anything stupid, o.k.?

I wish I could be there to help, but I am in spirit.

Deli. All I can say is you are not alone. And I am sorry you are in pain.

Deli- wow tough stuff.

Hang in there, the cycle sucks, but it WILL get better- remember that it has in the past. Your posts on here have been helpful for so many, myself included.
It's hard when you feel like you have lost hope. Maybe you can find one liitle bit of something to enjoy right now? For me it's chocolate, being in the woods, a baby, folk music. What is it for YOU today?
I liked the title of your post - maybe a place to start??

Deli, I don't post here alot, but I always read and PLEASE DON'T DIE......PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Deli-
Please reach out to Austin-T there is so much going on. He may not want to talk about the SUI (which I find weird) but there is still the boy stuff and the school stuff and the family stuff. All of this it would help to talk about. And if you talk about it it may make the SUI stuff feel less pressing. Also do what others have said. Contact Pdocs secretary, keep calling along with texting. Does he have anyone covering his practice while he is away that you could talk to? You matter so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know you are in such a dark place right now. And it is really hard to reach out for help. But please, please, reach out for it. Keep coming here and posting and keep reaching out to Austin T and Pdoc.

It sounds to me like you are reacting to your anxious and depressed feelings rather than doing an emergency response.

Life is not "meant" to be any particular way and no one has control, just, sometimes, the illusion of control. I've sorry you are having a really hard time right now but I think, from the above, you can see the all or nothing thinking you are engaging in?

I would call pdoc's backup or go to the ER or rank order my immediate problems (even if it took 9 months to get over whatever the cancer-like issues, you did get over them!) and start to work responding to them, working them through. To me, the most immediate one would be the psych meds or lack of psych meds that may be helping mess up my thinking.

quitting it all - I'd never say that death is the answer. But, quitting may be the answer - like Perna said - quit trying to deal with all the things that have dropped on you in these few weeks. Just pick the top one - one that causes the most issue, one that is easiest to fix, one that will have the most positive benefit in addressing it.

Last year I faced death; I had to quit EVERYTHING and just rest my body to recover. No work, no chores, no trips, no shopping.

looking at your list, here are a few respond vs. react choices for you:
- lost my job -- in a few months when you are fully healthy there will be another job. Over the course of your life, you will have a dozen or more jobs.
- kicked out of uni -- this year, next year or in 5 years, university will still be there for you to undertake this degree - when you are healthy, have the money, the time, etc. The chance is not lost.
- guy i was semi-involved with told me he still wants his ex. -- Cliche, but there are other fish in the sea, toss him back. You can drop your line into the ocean again in a bit when you are feeling healthy
- cancer-type symptoms i had a few years ago have returned.. - You have started getting care for this all ready, you have responded. You are taking action to get healthy.
- i dont really have a family anymore. - You are in a time of transition with your family; you are growing apart from them because you are growing up. You can respond by communicating what you need from them right now?
- pdoc on leave. . - this status will change in short order! You also can escalate your support request from simple texting to voice mail OR in-person drop in if the office has staff. You know you must do this to feel healthy
- ive gone off my meds. -- My gentlest response is that you need your doctor's support to make the healthiest choice about medications. Due to my encounter with death, I take many medications for physical and mental health, and there are always risks when you make a medication choice w/o the doctor's advice.

Remember that you have support here, people waiting for your next status update. Even to say "I got through another bloody damn day".

- lost my job


- kicked out of uni

Maybe pdoc can do something. You were not functioning at a competent level due to medication side effects. What went on with school is evidence of that. If a doctor tells them you were compromised psychologically and emotionally and physically due to side effects from a med dosage change can't that change things?

- guy i was semi-involved with told me he still wants his ex, and would go back to her if she said yes. he intends on sending her email to make sure she is still ok with her decision to break up. he'd come over to make sure i was ok after the uni fallout. i told him i needed to feel like a worthwhile person and that i wouldn't do anything that night but could he please stay anyway. he decided to leave. lesson learnt = deli only good for sex.

Well, he and his feelings for his ex have nothing to do with you. That he left you alone shows what a low-rent/dirtbag/waste of space he is. A decent guy with the history you two have recently would've stayed. His behavior isn't a comment on you, it's all about him.

- i dont really have a family anymore. they've been doing all these things without inviting me; things i would've thought maybe someone would have asked me if i wanted to be involved in. the temptation for me would be to return home right now, but ive just realised i dont really have a home to return to anymore.

That is a comment about their inability to accept your identity as an independent individual. Some others of us have/had bad family siutations/estrangement. A hallmark of a troubled familiy is that they put down or reject anyone trying to become independent and not live according to dysfunctional "rules" and arrangements. It's not you, it's them.

- housemate going away over weekend.

Are there any other friends you can stay with or have stay with you?

(((((((((((((((((((((((deli)))))))))))))))))))))))))

wow, that is a lot of cr@p to handle at once. i am so sorry life is just so hard for you, but i do understand how that feels all too well. it's true though that things will be better in a little bit as you get through this awful spot you're in. pdoc will come back, so will roomie, you can ask family for what you need (they might not realize you'd like to join them), you'll find another job or they'll rehire you when times are better, you can re-enter uni and there are definitely more fish in the sea. as for your health you beat this mystery disease before so you'll likely beat it again. as someone who has a mystery disease as well i know sometimes they are stress-induced. maybe it is your body's way of telling you you are doing too much and need to slow down. don't give up dear deli. i used to be horribly depressed most of the time and i'm not that way anymore. if things can change for me they can change for anyone!

thank you everyone for your replies. it does mean a lot to deli.

i have a bracelet which i wear permanently to remind me of something similar to what your friend says to himself. the problem is i'm no longer curious about what might be in the future. i feel awful for saying that, because it feels like i'm being stubborn, but it's also the truth and i don't want to come here and lie.

thanks, pachy. i'm not really upset with him; i know he's been down about his ex and we'd been talking about that for a while now. i think it's important for him to figure things out with his ex; even if it is to accept that maybe she doesn't want him back now. i'd be genuinely sad for him too, if she said that.
to be honest, i think he probably did do the right thing in not staying. it just sucks that he would have stayed if i'd been open to fooling around. nevermind, i guess. i evidently got through the night ok by myself.

reacting right now feels like... having to do the things i have to do. go to the drs, find a job, finalise my uni withdrawal etc. responding would be... recognising that i dont want any of this, and that i do have an opportunity to make all of this not part of my life anymore. that feels like taking control of the situation, rather than the situation dictating what i need to do. i'm sick of reacting.


just sent austin-t a txt. he's in at an interstate conference this week.

Quote:

2. Are there any community clinics or other places you can go to seen ASAP by a T? You shouldn't be alone, and I can't imagine that Austin wouldn't help if it's not presented as sui counseling. (How he won't help with that is beyond me.)

yeah, but none that i would take up. i havent had good experiences with them in the past. they do more damage than good.

Quote:

3. I think you need to get pdoc to respond IMMEDIATELY--have his office contact him to let him know you need to talk to him. Have Austin get through to him. This is your time of greatest need since you've been on PC. Don't let it go. pdoc is your best ally.

im angry with pdoc and how difficult it is to get in touch with him these days. i dont really want to try with him anymore.

Quote:

4. You have so many things that are so serious going on right now. You need to recognize that you're probably not thinking fully clearly. All these setbacks can do that to you, plus you have a situation with your processing being compromised due to medication side-effects.

i know i'm probably not thinking the best. but i'm thinking the best that i can given the situation and that's all that i can aim for. people have to make decisions all the time without the best circumstances for thinking things through.

im too tired to reply to everyone else right now.
so just saying thanks for the posts .
i feel like i'm being argumentative and ungrateful by not seeing things the way people would like me to see them. so i might take a little PC break to clear my head again. i really dont want to be the cause of distress on these boards.

((((((((((((((Deli)))))))))))))) there is no *right* way to respond, you absolutely don't owe anyone anything. it's almost like therapy - if we're not honest,then what's the point?

i understand needing to take a pc break, but I also know a lot of people here are worried about you. i hope if you decide to take a break you will at least check in to let us know you're still out there and okay (or as okay as you can be right now)

Deli, don't go away now. You're not being argumentative. You're the central focus here. It's about you, and your thoughts and feelings are the #1 and only priority in this thread. If you disagree with us, that's fine with all of us. You're living the feelings, we're just reading about them and tryign to imagine.

With all else out of your life right now, don't push us away. We'll worry endlessly about you and wonder non-stop. Let us hear you at least. You don't have to follow what any of us suggest. Please stay here.

(((((((Deli)))))

I agree with impatient and Tree. We are here to support you in whatever way we can. That doesn't mean that you need to take our advice. We are just trying to give you possible alternatives. These alternatives may not work for you and that is okay. Our feelings will not be hurt if you don't agree with us. We just want to try and help you. You are not causing any problems. We want to give you as many ideas as we can just in case one of them works for you. Please don't disappear. At least let us know how you are doing until autsin-T and pdoc get back. (Thought we really want to know how you are doing after that also.) We care about you so much!

you wrote:
reacting right now feels like... having to do the things i have to do. go to the drs, find a job, finalise my uni withdrawal etc.

Ah, and I see that as responding!! So, semantics. You are doing the basic stuff of life. This is how it is sometimes for all of us...

I hope that your sense of curiosity about the future returns very soon

((((((((((Deli))))))))))))

i know this sucks big time - it feels like the whole world is crumbling - and maybe it is ... maybe th old world needs to crumble to make way for the new -

I am glad you are living out of home - that was a giant move you made - brave and resourceful and i know how hard that must have been for you -

as others have said this is perhaps an ending of these things - perhaps another direction wil open up for you - a better one - perhaps you willjust rest and then take up the threads and weave a better life for yourself

feeling overwhelmed ....i hate that... and im sorry i cant remember who said it - but they are right - just take one thing at a time ok - thats all you ahve to do - and if that one thing is surviving this - then thats enough - when you are better you can get another job -

there are places that take medicare that wil do the tests you need - there are drs that bulk bill - explain the situation to them and they wil et you know whetre - i recently told my dentist i had $300 and that was it - the work i need done is going to cost - first phase $1300 - we are looking at ways around it .. i have had tests that should have cost me heaps and my dr has found clinics that do thme under medicare or near enough... tlak to your dr

talk to austin T - even if its jjust to let off the steam thats building up - and pdoc - we all know somtimes he can be out of touch or reach when you need him but he aklways comes through when he gets back to tyou - hold on - keep trying

I havnt been around much and for that im sorry - but i and everyone here is here to support and help you or just to listen yto you adn sit wiht you my dear friend

theres a poem i cant remember - sorr y my memory sucks - but it is about keeping on when you dont want to and one line i rem,ember is " rest if you must, but dont you quit" so Deli dearest - rest if you must - but dont quit - please dont quit

sits down next to you .....