new T, old T, maternal T's.. and I'm sad :(

hi jexa,

what about being mindful while you're cooking/eating? since that's a way to take care of yourself, maybe it would also be helpful to be mindful while doing it. just an idea.

i'm glad to hear you're still willing to give this new therapist a try. it sounds like you're making baby steps, but you're getting there none-the-less!

((((((((((Jexa))))))))))

I'm glad you had a good session. I'm glad that you were able to trust her enough to let her know what is going on. I agree, what about mindful eating?

I'm glad your session with your new T went well. It's hard not to spiral out when those big, big, big feelings hit. So hard. (( HUGS ))

I am having a really strong aversion to mindfulness right now. I thought perhaps I could mindfully drink my coffee each morning but I find myself doing mental backflips to avoid it. As I try to stay mindful even of that response, anxiety goes through the roof, and I miss the whole point. I wonder if there is a different activity to stay mindful of. I've always had major issues with this in the past, total huge fear responses to mindfulness activities. The harder I try, the more it escalates. Ughh.

Jexa, have you ever tried yoga or martial arts classes (and you might have to try a few before you find one that you like just like with Ts )? i've found that they help cultivate mindfulness or at least for the hour or so that you are there, they help you be present in the moment and sort of leave the rest of your life behind. it can be very freeing and empowering.

Yeah I used to go to yoga twice a week but I stopped going in August when I was freaking out. Now I am having a hard time going back because I'm embarrassed for being gone so long. I don't want anyone to say anything or ask why I haven't been there. I know this is stupid but I can't convince myself to go.

I would try to go back especially if you enjoyed it. You could also try another studio. I wouldn't worry about people wondering where you were. If anyone does ask, you can just tell them you were busy with work/school and you are glad to be back.

I keep telling myself I'll practice yoga at home instead but then I never do it. Yeah I really enjoyed it before.. but I have this strong aversion to it now.. ughhh my stupid social anxiety. Maybe I will go to a different studio.

I am so bored and lonely this weekend

(((((jexa)))))
I remember you talking about yoga and how much you enjoyed it. I hope you will find a time to go back. I know for me it would be easier if I had a friend to go with...is that possible for you?

I have the SAME responses to mindfulness activities! It stresses me out so much. During the year I was in DBT skills training group, where we started each week off with a mindfulness exercise, I think I just dissociated each and every time. It was the only way I could just SIT there.

Oh FML, I don't have friends who will go with me right now, which sucks. I have so few friends since I struggle to let people into my life. Besides I actually think it would be worse if a friend went with me for some reason. I have no idea why. But maybe I will be able to convince myself to go.

Part of the fear is that somehow my yoga pant leg will fall down and show my SI scars. This is actually a silly fear because a couple weeks ago I went out and specifically bought yoga pants that do not fall down when your legs are in the air. Yet the fear is still there. I don't want anyone to ever see them.. I also have this fear that people will like.. "smell" it on me, that I am messed up.. ever since my meltdown in August I've been so messed up and emotionally volatile. And somehow, this makes it hard to go to yoga. Um, yeah, doesn't make sense, does it?

Today I was able to have a loooong "mindful bike ride." I rode my bike more than 5 miles today. I'd actually estimate I rode about 8 miles. I wasn't "there" for the whole period, certainly slipped off in thought while riding around, but I was pretty good, and this attempt to ride my bike mindfully, pay attention to the scenery and the blue skies, etc, was not at all anxiety-provoking. Lately I've been riding my bike to work since the weather is cool enough that I don't sweat. Maybe I will make a commitment to ride my bike to work every day and make my daily mindful activity my bike ride. I like the idea of this, since I've been enjoying my bike rides lately and this kind of physical activity is good for me.

Well, look at that. Willingness to take steps to heal. Maybe I'll start with this before I start trying to force myself back to yoga class.

That's awesome, Jexa! I know what it is like to not have many friends IRL. I'm so glad you found an activity you can do mindfully and you don't have to worry about the social anxiety aspect.

You ARE healing, Jexa. I always think of this, I don't know where I read it, maybe here:
willingness is opening up, willfulness is shutting down.

I like that because shutting down is a problem for me, a negative coping skill I guess. It doesn't FEEL willful, it feels like giving up. But now, whenever I feel myself shutting down, and I can remember that's willfulness, and I'm trying to do the willingness thing these days.

wow...trying to catch up here....
mindfulness...I hate that one, ugh...my brain won't sit still on anything for more than a second. I do like carob brownies (gluten free..no refined sugar...no dairy) anyways...I can be mindful for a little bit while savoring the taste!!! I like the bike ride idea though...sounds like that will work well for you. Just try not to turn it into a "I have to ride to work every day or else I am not doing what I should" sort of thing...know what I mean?? Keep it something you do because you love to, not cause you're supposed to.

Oh...and the yoga pant thing...yea, I get it. I have the hardest time picking out gym clothes...and I haven't si'd in years...just still this fear that someone will somehow know.

Thanks guys! Yeah Eileen I definitely want to try to think of this as "activity I enjoy" not "activity I have to do." If I think about it the second way, I will beat myself up on days I am just too tired to do it, etc, and there's just no need for that.

On another note, I just went online and spent some money on vitamins! Lately I've been good again about taking my vitamins every day -- right now I am just taking a multi and a high-dosage B-vitamin complex. But I'm running out of my multi.

So, I bought DHA online, which is the best omega-3 to take and has been shown in clinical trials to improve memory and brain functioning -- cool -- plus I bought a carotene complex, vitamin C, and a really good multi-vitamin. So now hopefully I'll be the healthiest girl ever!

The B-vitamins already have been making a difference. I can tell if I even miss one day of taking them, the effect on my mood is so profound.

I actually wonder if I have a B-vitamin deficiency which might lead to some of my issues with anxiety and depression. I avoid prescription meds, refuse outright to take a daily SSRI (because I am bad about forming habits and am deathly afraid of withdrawal on the days I am sure to forget to take them), but I'm all about natural healing. Today's bike ride has inspired me! Maybe I will even start eating healthy foods!

Good job on the bike ride. That is awesome. And good job on getting more vitamins!

How do you know they aren't too busy worrying that you might "smell" it on them?

true, FZ. (And thanks for the PM! 'Twill take some pondering FYI). Lately I have been watching the show "Lie to Me" and it is making me anxious -- if you haven't seen the show, it's about a behavioral scientist who is a deception expert who reads people's facial expressions with supreme accuracy. It makes me wonder how often my emotions are obvious to others, or to certain people.

But I think truth is, the majority of people have absolutely no idea what I'm feeling, even when it's fairly obvious. Like, even people who care about me a lot may very well have no idea when I've been feeling depressed. Still the anxiety is there.. I think certain people out there ARE good at this kind of detection and I find myself scanning for these types in every circumstance.



Oh well. Today my mood is better which I attribute to my bike ride. I bought a book of short fantasy stories called "Flights" today, which might help kick me back into reading again. Getting into a book has been supremely difficult but short stories may be doable..

I'm glad you're feeling better today, jexa. My T recommended yoga to me too, and mindfulness. I like yoga but I think I hurt myself from doing too much. Bike riding is great; I'm glad you do it. I never rode a bike as an adult, but wish I had.

I get your fears about the yoga class, but people I think, are more interested in themselves and won't notice anything about you. I go tomorrow at 9a.m. which is an awful time for me to be anywhere, but that's the only time, and I like the teacher. I get up early, but am never ready to go anywhere that early on a Sunday! But it's worth it for the relaxation in the beginning and end, to such comforting music!

I hope it works out with your T. Sometimes a T changes a little, too. My former T was always so "strict" and formal but she became less so as I shared more with her and we got to know each other better. She said something about taking her cues from me. She was still nothing like my current T, but she wasn't always as rigid as she seemed to be at first.

jexa, I just wanted to do a bit of cheerleading from the sidelines and say how incredibly well I think you're handling this really difficult time of transition. Perservering with pleasant events can be so challenging when they don't feel 'pleasant' because of low mood and anxiety, and I'm learning a lot from how you are making small adjustments in such a skilful way- like trying a book of short stories when a full book feels too much.

My T and I often draw parallels between building a life worth living (in DBT language) and learning to ride a bike. Sometimes we wobble and topple. Sometimes we get comfortable and then there's a major change like the stablizers coming off (your T leaving?) and it feels like starting all over again, but hopefully you can fall back on all the practice you got while your old T was 'holding' you, and maybe we find that there's something exhilirating about learning to ride on our own.

Sorry if this sounds a bit random- it just struck me because you were talking about using bike rides as a skill

Ugh...that show makes me nervous too...I worry about people "reading" me in random places. They always have shots of the lead character tilting his head to one side and looking. I have a stiff neck by the end of the show..lol

I've seen the show "Lie to Me". Of course I love everything Tim Roth He is DA MAN!

However, I've read books on reading body language, and critiques of it. The show is to put it bluntly, FANTASY. Not reality. Even so, there is some truth and accuracy to the science of reading body language (it's more than just facial expressions), but that doesn't mean every Tom, ****, and Harry understands the subject, and even if they had heard of it, it doesn't mean they are trained to apply it.

I would say you probably aren't direct about your emotions, instead maybe even hiding them? Do you pretend things are okay when they are not? I don't look to other people for answers. I seek guidance and help in trusted people, but you REALLY have to let people know in a direct way what is going on or otherwise they can't help you. TRU FAX

I need to read a good book too. What are you into?

I'll get a bike if you will I saw some decent $80 brand new ones at Walmart.

Jexa, you are doing really well here! You 1) did a good job in therapy opening up to your therapist, 2) you found a way to be mindful that worked well for YOU, and 3) you are taking care of yourself with the vitamins. Great work!!