Therapy is way too painful.

In fact, if I really thought it would work I'd avoid it for the rest of my life.

I had a reallllllly goooooood session yesterday with my therapist. Okay, I feel like **** as a result of the session, but it's not because she's a bad therapist. It's because it was just bad/triggering stuff. Which I brought upon myself! I brought it up, which was scary as hell... and made a 50 min session approximately 1 hour and 30 minutes... (I feel bad about that, even though she said that if she had to go she would have found a way to go). I hate myself more than usual. I feel triggered more than usual.

I guess I was waiting for us to breach the topic of abuse stuff, and it's now been done. Does that mean I'm going to feel anxious every single time I go to a session now?! Does that mean we're now going to go through this same stuff every week? I mean, I've done therapy for years but never had this much discussion of "bad stuff" like I have done recently.

I did do the responsible thing and asked to see her in a week, instead of two. I think I knew I'd wake up today and still feel like crap from yesterday. And of course I don't want to be a bother so I wont call her even if she told me I could. Man, I'm too stubborn for my own good.

Even with the meditative stuff she taught me and visualization stuff... I still feel yuck. How do people process? How do people chillax and realize that feelings are not, in fact, going to beat me up? How do people even stay focused in the present?

I'm totally useless. I'm doing a diploma so I can do counselling (not therapy, they're different) for a living and I can't even help myself. Sigh.

<--- I'm just going to be hiding over in that general direction.

Therapy is by far the most difficult thing I have ever done. The worst part is that it's not a single incident, it's an ongoing thing that rips at you. But hang in there, I know that therapy has helped me so much far more than any/all medications I am taking or have tried. As hard as it is, if you have the right therapist it is well worth the pain.

Good luck.

(((Christina))) - I seriously contemplated stopping therapy because of the pain. I'm still kind of on the fence - I guess my next session will have a lot of influence on my decision. Even though I know I need to ride it out. I also feel terrible straight after a session and maybe even a few days thereafter.

I know a lot of people that just go and sleep straight after a session - it helps to leave the thoughts behind for a while.
thinking of you

What is the purpose of therapy if not to discuss the "bad stuff"?

They'll die down, the feelings. They will. But I'm not even sure you would want them to die down all that fast. Because, I think, if you don't re-feel them fully, then you won't in the end get rid of them, which is the (to me) purpose of therapy. I could make comments here that might help put the feelings in perspective, but I won't because I don't think that would help you. I do sincerely think that would hurt you. All I'll say is that I've found it useful, from beginning through now in therapy, to keep in mind a sharp, focussed picture of where you want to go, where you need to be, what you want therapy to do for you. I have those so sharply before my eyes that I'd go through anything at all in therapy to get there.

Take care and Good Luck!

I agree with Mike - therapy is hard, much harder than other things I've had to do in my life, but so worth it, despite (or because of??) the fact that it is painful!I wonder if, maybe, it was feeling easy, comfortable, and there wasn't much or any pain involved at all, there would have to be the question of - is it helping at all?! When wounds are healing, they still hurt.....and if you have to do rehab/physical therapy, that can hurt too, but if you don't go through the hurt in that case, you don't regain the strength/mobility and fully heal. The hurt does heal. So I think of it that way with therapy......it might hurt more right now, going through it, but the hurt (both the old wounds that have to be dealt with and the pain of dealing with them) will heal if I go through it - focus on the healing that is happening, rather than the hurt that is accompanying the healing right now. --- Easy for me to say all this, when I'd like to run from the pain sometimes, too.
to you, Christina, and Mike - and well, since I'm in a huggy mood today, everyone!

yes its painful, yes at times on the outside I function, yet on the inside I'm falling to bits...but theres something else also..theres having someone who helps me reframe...whose inner strengh I am taking and making mine..theirs the feeling of being "looked after"....theirs the times I finally feel different about things...theres the real inner change I expereince...but yes its har too...imagine it being a walk in the park, I mean that would feel insulting to what we've survived....its common to want to become a counsellor at first until you begin to see just how tough personal change is, you begin to wonder whether you could ever be of help to someone else...I remember when I first entered treatment and the counsellor there asked us to give a short outline of our problems then asked if we all put our problems on the branches of a tree would we pick someone elses problems or take ours back...recovery is like that,...the struggle and pain is part of the process we really wouldn't want it any other way...

Yes because the particular pain is part of who we are; whether you're talking about the pain of brokenness, or the pain of healing.

Christina I think it shows a very good and generous heart, to go through so much in your own therapy and yet want to transform that suffering, & that learning, which comes at such a high cost, into help you would offer for others.

I have a feeling you would make a good counselor indeed. Please be gentle with yourself.

I am an undergrad in social work/counseling at age 64. I am in school because I won a scholarship.....it was because of what I wrote about my life....after a childhood of abuse, molestation and poverty and no father.....the army, a 36 year "marriage" of abuse and then a church that voted me out of membership, etc...I believe we are all here to make a difference and I am th moderator of an abused survivors' group. I am passionate (and will focus on) verbal and physical abuse once I get my degree (when i am around 90, LOL), but the statistics (global) are staggering: 1 in 3 women abused and every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted. The U.S. spends 5.8 billion dollars every year regarding the abuse.

Happy New Year and Hugs, Sharon

Christina- therapy CAN be very hard, and feeling the feelings is good, but I believe there has to be a balnce too its okay to take a break and essential to learn how to self soothe and shut things off even at times.

Those skills will come with practice. It will not always be this bad.
Hang in there and keep posting

this is what i almost always do .it is like i am so exausted i cant help it.

Dear people, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words. I really appreciate each and every one of you and would respond individually but this laptop is crap and won't load quickly. (It hates me, I'm borrowing it because my own laptop broke)

Silly feelings are driving me bonkers. I haven't had a heartattack with people invading my personal space or being insensitive jerks or even the touchyfeely people who I just don't want anything to do with right now... that's progress, right? I'm not an angry person, but I'm a very easily startled one.

I called and left T a message telling her I felt like crap, and asking her when our appointment is next week 'cause she needs to figure things out logistically. (It's complicated due to accessibility needs for me)

I kinda knew therapy would be hard, and I even wanted to rush through therapy when I first started (oh so many years ago, although I didnt know I was this messed up then) ... alas, now I actually AM working through stuff. Which comes at a bad time since I start school again next week. ERP!

I appreciate all the advice and words of encouragement and even talking about y'all's personal experiences and whatnot. THANKS!

Could you give an example of the picture of where you want to go? I wonder if it's things you want to accomplish or ways you want to feel? It's hard to know exactly where you want to go when you've never been there, I think. So it's good you have a picture of it.

When I have a particularly hard session I mostly just try to be somewhere quiet and focus on the fact that feeling all of these terrible emotions will help me heal in the long run, so its ok to feel them now even though I would rather not.

You are SO right about how painful therapy is. I really wanted to quit this week. I keep asking myself why in the world I am putting myself through this!

I have an appointment Thursday (6th). I wrote my T a note and told her that I don't know how I feel about coming to therapy today, how I feel about her, or how I feel about me. But I am going to show up and I am going to do this no matter how I feel!

The pain is intense. She just keeps reminding me that therapy is not where the pain is. The pain is in past (or present) experiences I had (or am having). The pain is caused by unresolved emotions.

Had I gone through the emotions at the time I was having issues, I would not be having to go through the pain now. At some point, we will all experience the pain from hurts, wounds, or whatever.

It just depends on WHEN you choose to allow herself to feel it.

I think it takes a lot of maturity and emotional skills to be able to accept that the pain is temporary, necessary and for the long-term good.
It requires you to trust your T and be very open and let her know what you are feeling and experiencing.

She (T) called me today regarding the voicemail I left her yesterday. I am unimpressed. Very not happy. She said she MIGHT be able to see me next week but also said it might be the week after that too.

Oh yeah, 'cause leaving the person who is triggering herself to her own devices is a smart idea. No, I'm not going to do anything bad or stupid, but frig. I decide to try to trust her and now she might not be able to see me for longer than I expected.

Oh, and she said we "might" discuss the continuation of this next time, MIGHT. I could swear that therapy was for me and I'm the one who controls the topic of discussion. Yeah, I'm stubborn how did you guess?!?

I knew talking about this would ruin me, I knew it. Scuse me, I'm going to go sit in my corner now again and be agitated. Angry? Some emotion like that.

I really do know she has good intentions and my best interests in mind most of the time, but telling me that she may not be able to see me next week after she TOLD ME this week that she would does not make for a happy Christina.

Oh T, I do like you but honestly blargh.

(And yours truly is trying to do the meditative/visualization exercises in my mind and they're totally useless. I think I need something more concrete to center myself. Oh, and to make matters worse Im triggering myself almost purposefully, which is not helping trying to calm myself down.)

Yes, I'm a very ridiculous woman and my own worst enemy most of the time.

Sorry Christina... I'd be very angry at my T for not helping me in a time of crisis

Your feelings about this are completely understandable....and I can relate! It does hurt to feel a need, reach out with it, and then be disappointed. No, you're not ridiculous....it's OK to be upset and allow yourself to feel the feelings without judging yourself too harshly for having them. Is there something concrete you can use to center yourself......sometimes I just need to get out of my own mind and not use it (ie, meditative/visualization) to calm myself.....sometimes I just need to go to the gym and use the punching bag!

((((((((((Christina)))))))))))

I know exactly what you go through.
You are not your worst enemy,. It may SEEM as tough you are. But you see - you say that now you are ruined. The truth is that you were ruined all that time because of all those things that you are AWARE of right now - but you did not experience them consciously.

You know - it is like a room that you enter and there there are lots of things. Suppose there is a TV a pile of books, 2 sculptures. You may focuses on the TV or the cultures and NOT notice the books. Not see them. But the fact you did not focus on them does not mean they did not exist.

I guess it hurts you more than you expected. I have triggered myself a lot. I have wrote depressed and tried to figure out. You know - THE SIMPLE TRUTH is important! So its ok because it is out life.

I know how much this sucks and if you don`t feel like meditating - i can identify with poetgirl - try to express it in writing or any other way of expression - it can help you more, than trying to distract yourself. Because this is the deep truth and in the end this matters. It matters a lot it has a lot of influence on our lives in general.

Hmmmm. I really don't think I made a good choice of words when I said "get rid of them." What really happens is that they shrink down into one sentence (or a footnote) in the thousands of sentences of one's own autobiography. As opposed to being stamped on the book cover in flashing neon orange: bold, underlined, in italics. The feelings remain historically relevant, but have been outgrown and become of no more emotional significance than when you learned to walk, or to eat oysters, or to ride a bicycle.

Take care!

You will survive this, Christina, and you know you will. I know full well how this kind of thing can impact on trust, which trust issues in turn can impact on therapy. But do you really believe she's doing this to be mean? To be nasty? If I were in your shoes I'd either email or call her this weekend, today (Saturday) and let her know in plain English that it's very important that she see you this coming week and not the following one. It's possible that you'll feel a bit better after sending such a communication.

Words, words, words. So your T didn't choose the right ones on this occasion. Of course the therapy is for you and you control the topic of discussion. She used the wrong word. That's all.

Quote:

Yes, I'm a very ridiculous woman and my own worst enemy most of the time.

You know you're not a very ridiculous woman and no one would even dream of thinking of you in that way. But to me it smells like shame. Try this, from developmental psych: "As development proceeds, the demand for reciprocity has become more defined: when the infant notices that he does not meet the mother's gaze which he had taken for granted, he is ashamed of his false expectation." Think transference.

As far as concerns your being your own worst enemy, I would bet serious money on that being true for every single one of us. Every single one.

You can USE your feelings now, and all of your reactions to T, very specifically including your present, emotionally hard times, to explore yourself and gain useful knowledge and insight. Yes, I know it hurts, and it'll be great when it's over, but you can put it to use, which may at least pull your attention away from your hurt. But I'm sure you already know every single word I'm writing here. Take care!

Hi, learning1,

Sure. I want to be able to work with people without having the negative feelings in dealings with others that I've had all my life. I want to be able to maintain an appropriately positive image of myself in such situations. I want to be able to delete my usual self-putdowns. I want to be able to run my own life without dissociating all the time. So the answer to your question is really: ways I want to feel. I don't think it's all that hard to imagine "not hurting" when you're hurting. I don't think it's all that hard to imagine a possible, future "positive self-image" when you've spent your life having a negative self-image. So no, as far as I'm concerned it's not rocket science.

Take care!

Ygrec, you always give me a lot to think about Thanks! I know she's not trying to be mean, because it's unavoidable where accessibility and my schedule is concerned unfortunately.

(To make matters worse, we now have a lot of snow further hampering my ability to get anywhere)

Thanks to each and every one of you for your awesome feedback and support.