[dizgirl2011]

Hey guys,

I was wondering do you ever feel sad by the reality of your relationship with your Therapist?
What I mean is, do you ever feel so sad to think that in some ways its either fake or at least a very different type of relationship. where even though you may adore your therapist, the cold reality is that you know very little about them personally and instead of being important to them, we are just clients...one of many perhaps? And worst of all that this person will not be in your life forever, even if you want them to be?

Sometimes thinking of this really upsets me, esp if I ever think about ending. It can come up at other times like during holidays or breaks in therapy, or thinking about my T's family etc

Does anyone else feel this way? Do you ever feel angry at the system even though you know it's there to protect you? Do you ever feel that Therapy is Fake? What are your thoughts?

[learning1]

Yes, that has bothered me. It bothers me that the t wouldn't be talking to me if I wasn't paying them.

Echoes (I think it was Echoes) had an interesting post where she said she's glad she's in a t relationship instead of a friend relationship with her t. I hadn't thought of it before, but I guess a t relationship can just be a different, but still real and legitimate relationship.

There is a nice story by Ellen Saks (sp?) about her life and one of her former t's dies in it. She actually did keep in touch with the t (a little) until the end of the t's life, just like you would in a non-t relationship. And Sak's ends her story with something sentimental about the t.

[Liam Grey]

(warning: I'm going through a difficult moment with my T. Every thing I will say just apply to me only, every T and every relationship is different )

I do feel exactly this way right now.

That's totally unfair and unbalanced. I'm perfectly aware my T is seeing a lot of other clients every day, and I'm surely one of the unimportant many. While on the other hand she's like one of the most important persons in my life, for me. Rationally thinking about it, doesn't sounds good at all.

That's upsetting. I personally think that becoming so attached to her, even if I barely was aware of the process until it was too late, was something I should have prevent.

Maybe I don't know and it was good for me to feeling my T so distant to me last session... I'll try to see if I can detach and focusing 100% on my real life problems/processes.

[nannypat]

My world came crashing down around me when my T who I had been working with for 20+ years for chronic severe depression suddenly had to go on" voluntary not to practice" immediately, then lost his license and never came back. I have felt everything there is to feel from outrage to hopelessly depressed. Unfortunately it can happen.They are human and have other things in their lives even though that upsets me too. I do think they really care, but it is their job. I hate the way that sounds, but he walked away. He had to find other work. I know he felt bad but that doesn't change anything really. I am still upset

[learning1]

Wow, that's sad nannypat, especially since he obviously meant a lot to you, it's awful he was forced out of practice

[elliemay]

Your point is an important one, you don't know your therapist at all. You pay them. It's an unfair and totally weird set up. It's crazy. Insane from day one.

Yes, there is a human there across from you - a living breathing feeling human. However, I've come to understand that it's not so much about the other person in the room, and what you know and don't know about them, who they are etc....

But it's more about the interaction between the two of you that is important and healing.

I think it's the exchange, the words, the feelings in the room that is the therapy. The therapist can be a strong catalyst - a coach - a fellow traveler. They facilitate the interaction, and you respond to it.

You experience an attachment, perhaps for the first time, and that is real. You feel an attachment in their presence and that is also very very real. That presence.

For me, over time, my therapist has become less and less important as a person, because the person that is me is emerging.

[dizgirl2011]

Learning1 - I agree I wouldnt really want my T to be my friend..although for me i wish she was my Mother which also isnt a very healthy want lol

Liam - I can fully understand... although im not sure i you could have stopped the attachment even if you wanted to.. i tried very hard and failed.

Nannypat - my heart breaks for you that sounds awful - i know what its like to loose your support without warning but to have seen this person for so many years and then be without them sounds so painful

Elliemay, it sounds like you have become a very strong person and have gained a lot from therapy.. I hope you can be an inspiration for us all!

[BlessedRhiannon]

I was wondering do you ever feel sad by the reality of your relationship with your Therapist?

Not really - but I like the boundaries in the relationship with my T. I like that she IS my T and not my friend. It feels safer to me. I've said in other posts that there are times I wish I'd met my T as a friend, because we have a lot in common and would have made good friends. But, then she wouldn't be my T, and I need her in that role more! I have other friends that I have a lot in common with. Of course, one of my issues is that I tend to lose myself in relationships...I become what I think others expect me to be. So, the fact that I don't know much about my T and that there are those boundaries means that I feel less of a need to be someone I'm not and I'm not losing myself. I need that!

The client/T relationship is an odd relationship, though. I don't know if I'd necessarily call it fake, but it is definitely a different type of relationship than any other. It's a very unequal relationship, which does feel uncomfortable sometimes. I think a good T does care about each of their clients, and I imagine that sometimes the relationship feels awkward to them as well.

I will miss my T when (if) I no longer need her, but I think it's more that I will miss the safety and acceptance I feel with her.

[SpiritRunner]

I have felt sad, yes.
I am one who has become content to have my T as my T, though, and feel like we have an amazing relationship and strong rapport in that context. I would rather have her as my T than my friend and even though the relationship has what feels like an odd nature at times or boundaries that hurt, I still want it to be as it is and am thankful for a relationship where I am so free to be me and tell all my pain and still be so cared for and helped.

[Seshat]

I think I am in the same position as BlessedRhiannon atm.

My peculiar view on my experience is that I feel pathetic because the relationship with my T is infinitely stabler that any other RL previous or current relationship of mine. I don't even have this kind of stability with my family, and that's saying a lot. I mean, it's amazing that my cats still stick around to listen to me talking about my stuff. Then again, they're not human so maybe I'm not a nuisance to them. lol.

[WePow]

Yes. I felt that sudden shattering of the rose-colored-glasses after my session this past Monday when my T told me he had not read my emails. At the time it really hit me full force because in session he had told me about helping a friend of his out the day before about some stuff... the conversation directly related to what I am going through with some issues so it was on-topic. But I sat there and just was totally drowning in the stark reality of how T was there for his friend... but didn't have 5 min to read what I sent him.

I am thankfully more numb about it now and I was able to understand the situation from my adult mind. I know I am not his friend. I don't like working when not at work, so why should he? I get it.

But it also made the switch inside flip over to me remembering he is not my friend - just like my mom when she told me at 14 "I am your mother, I am NOT your friend."

Ok. A boundary. I can respect that. I don't emotionally understand it because of my abuse history, but I know full well how to respect walls like that and how to stay 50 yards away from invisible electric fences.

I still don't know about things. I like my T when we are together. But like you point out, there is just the reality of the situation. I was emotionally curious about my T - wondering what he liked to do when he was chilling and such. And I was so happy when he would share those precious bits about himself with me. For some reason, now that this has happened, I wish I didn't know anything about him at all. I wish even that I never had to return to therapy because of this strangeness. It is helping me, but I am too closed off to the world in so many ways to allow myself to actually open up the way I did and let myself care what he thought.

Not sure if any of that makes sense. But yeah. I hear you.

Honestly, the T relationship is one of the weirdest relationships around. Maybe THE weirdest.

I second what Ellie says about the connection. T has a family and friends....and so do I...but when it is the two of us, in that room, the connection between us is what's important. I know T isn't thinking about those other people when he is with me, and I know he's not thinking about his other clients. He is thinking about me, and connecting with me. I am learning how to connect, how to be vulnerable, how to let someone in, and I am learning what it feels like to be SAFE.

For a long time, I thought I could never ever ever live without T. For years, he was arguably the most important person in my life. Which sounds awful, because I have a husband, and I have friends (and children, but I put them in a different category). But he was. I needed so badly to be heard and believed and to heal, and T was there giving all of that (and more) to me.

It doesn't feel like that forever, though. Or at least in my experience, it hasn't. I am taking a break from T, and I am OKAY. I miss him, but not desperately. I will ALWAYS love him and I will ALWAYS know he was one of the most important people that I've had in my life...AND I will be okay without him someday. I am sure of that.

I did NOT always feel this way...not even close. I couldn't even imagine getting to this point, but here I am. And it feels good, not bad.

For me, letting myself fully connect with T...with all of the vulnerability and confusion and good feelings and bad feelings and fulfillment and longing that comes with it...was probably the most healing thing I could have done.

I used to wish that I had met T under different circumstances, because he is awesome, and I WOULD love to hang out with him...and then I realized that maybe, this is what was meant to be. Maybe I was meant to have this person that I love so much come into my life AS MY THERAPIST. Maybe if we were friends, I would have found a different T, and my journey would have been different than the one I am one...and I really wouldn't trade the one I am on for anything.

The relationship can be hard to wrap my brain around. But when I can let that go, and just allow it to be what it is, it can be a wonderful thing.

[with or without you]

Yeah, it makes me quite sad. I try not to think about it too much. In the 9 years since my father died, T has been the only person in my life whom I have interacted with on a consistent, regular basis (besides my mother). Other people who mean the world to me came into my life later, or they were there before but drifted in and out as people tend to do. T has provided a sense of continuity that I have so desperately needed. So obviously, this relationship means a lot to me.

I don't ever want to be her friend, but sometimes I wish I could talk to her about meaningful things that don't involve my issues, like psychology in general, history, travel, religion, et. al. Like a correspondence or something like that.

This may sound silly, but here's something I think about from time to time. Since most people don't have a relationship with their therapist after termination, do you ever wonder if maybe you'll see T in the afterlife? (If you believe in one). Then all the boundaries will be gone. You can finally ask him or her everything...how often they really thought of you, the real extent of their compassion for you, what they were like outside of their professional role. Maybe that's too strange of a thought. I do think this about other people as well (whom I know I'll probably never see again), not just people with whom I strictly have a working relationship.

[Dani]

It bothers me a lot when I think about the fact that I'm just a client, part of her job. I've been seeing my T for 3 years and she's the only one that knows my inner most dark secrets and it scares me that our therapy relationship will end, and I'm dreading the day that happens. I'm getting married next year and will be moving about 40 miles away and I'm not sure if I'll be able to see her when that happens and it worries me a lot. I mentioned it to her once and she told me to not to worry about that, but I can't help it. I know I'm not her only client, but I've been seeing her every week for the past 3 years and the thought of therapy possibly ending next year makes me want to just give up now.

[Suratji]

I don't think the 'reality' of the relationship bothers me. Maybe because it's been only 3 1/2 months since I started.. I'm quite attached to my weekly sessions but I don't think I'm attached to T. I like that I don't know much about her and I like that she can focus on me whereas my other relationships are different. It's like going to the dentist or the doctor and they're there to help. I don't need to have a more expanded relationship with my dentist.

And reading about the difficulties that so many people have getting attached to T makes me want to be sure that I avoid having that happen to me. Way too painful

[Seshat]

Originally Posted by Suratji

I don't think the 'reality' of the relationship bothers me. Maybe because it's been only 3 1/2 months since I started.. I'm quite attached to my weekly sessions but I don't think I'm attached to T. I like that I don't know much about her and I like that she can focus on me whereas my other relationships are different. It's like going to the dentist or the doctor and they're there to help. I don't need to have a more expanded relationship with my dentist.

And reading about the difficulties that so many people have getting attached to T makes me want to be sure that I avoid having that happen to me. Way too painful

Ditto. That's why I'm more than happy with the boundaries in the relationship with T. (I guess my social phobia makes it all easier in this case, lol)

[Protoform]

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

Hey guys,

I was wondering do you ever feel sad by the reality of your relationship with your Therapist?
What I mean is, do you ever feel so sad to think that in some ways its either fake or at least a very different type of relationship. where even though you may adore your therapist, the cold reality is that you know very little about them personally and instead of being important to them, we are just clients...one of many perhaps? And worst of all that this person will not be in your life forever, even if you want them to be?

Sometimes thinking of this really upsets me, esp if I ever think about ending. It can come up at other times like during holidays or breaks in therapy, or thinking about my T's family etc

Does anyone else feel this way? Do you ever feel angry at the system even though you know it's there to protect you? Do you ever feel that Therapy is Fake? What are your thoughts?

I think the patient shares some of the blame for allowing himself/herself to become attached to a person doing a job. If you think about it, it's not the therapist's fault that the patient is emotionally needy. Then again, since they are psychologists, they should know better and not let these bonds form?

[dizgirl2011]

Wow so many people I want to reply to

Wepow- I can very much relate to what you are saying about how your feel a bit..well neglected I guess when your therapist spent time with his friend but didn't read your emails.I guess even though we know the logic of situations it sometimes doesnt mean we still arent affected emotionally.

I dont know what way your mother said that to you at age 14 but I wish my mother had decided to take that stance...if she did perhaps I wouldnt feel so motherless.

Treehouse, I think its great you can feel ok now without seeing your therapist and that the thought of being without him some day doesnt seem as daunting!

with or without you - I have never considered the thought of the afterlife.. I guess in my head the boundaries would be there too lol

Dani - Do you drive or could you get the bus to see your T next year?

suratji - I have tried to avoid the attachment but it seems impossible, even when I maintain strict boundaries. I do agree with you and seshat that I am glad my T is my T and not a friend because thats why they are special to us.

thanks for all the replies so far!

I'm not saddened by the reality of the relationship at all. In fact, I take great joy in knowing that I have an impartial, objective sounding board in my life who I can take my cares to. Nowhere in life would I ever have someone so objective and rational and honest to talk to. Thank God for the relationship we have. It is a blessing.

[rainbow8]

Yes! I relate to this thread--oh, SO much do I think about the "fakeness" of the therapeutic relationship, and wish it were different. I've struggled with this problem with all of my Ts--5 of them, so much that it's become THE main issue of my therapy.

I know that the relationship is special in its own way, and if T were my friend, it wouldn't work. I know all about transference and wishing she were my mother at times. I intellectually know all of that, but sitting there in the room with her, something happens and I can't stop it. Or, it happens later. Therapy is triggering!

My T tries to be there for me, and does a lot of extra things to show me that she cares. But the reality is that today she's going out-of-town with her family and I'm not part of her life. I'm allowed to know where she's going and why, and what day she's coming back. But the reality is that the boundaries are there and they hurt.

It doesn't seem fair that we have this intimate relationship but, not really. WHO is our T anyway? We know a lot about them just by being with them weekly for maybe years. How can we not know? We show them our lives, our pictures, our families, our souls, but they only show back on a limited basis. THAT'S the reality.

It's difficult for me to be in a relationship like that yet I know my T is helping me by being a professional and not anything else. But sometimes the lines blur because she's first of all a human, just like me and you. It's very, very strange.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

I have felt sad, yes.
I am one who has become content to have my T as my T, though, and feel like we have an amazing relationship and strong rapport in that context. I would rather have her as my T than my friend and even though the relationship has what feels like an odd nature at times or boundaries that hurt, I still want it to be as it is and am thankful for a relationship where I am so free to be me and tell all my pain and still be so cared for and helped.

I am in a similar situation as Poetgirl.

[red8326]

I can really relate to this. I have been with 3 other therapist in the last 20 years and have emotionally connected with ALL of them. ALL of them are still part of my life (one is a very close friend). When I started my current therapy I didn't want to know one single thing about my T. I wanted just therapy and not a friend. However, as the years have progressed, I see her more as a friend than a T. She is going thru a very bad time in life right now and I struggle with the boundaries of how much to help her. The boundaries have become blurred, once again, and I don't know how to handle it. To think of it as being "fake" is just an awful feeling. I've so struggled with this but feel ALMOST secure (which is a REALLY big deal for me!) in the relationship now and can't imagine walking away.

It's amazing how much therapy can help yet how much therapy is can be painful.

[swimmergirl]

I totally understand your feelings. What makes me sad is the thought that therapy will end sometime. I am really attached to my therapist(went/still going through transference, all that stuff ). Now that I have gotten past the idea that I chose my feelings ( a awesome book for dealing with transference is In Session: The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists by Deborah Lott) I am very happy with the boundaries established. I have accepted what I feel, told my T, he did okay with it, still working on that but he has been open to talking about it. I am married, he is married, kind of weird situation but I realized that I have a much more emotional and intimate relationship with him than if he were my friend. I feel that yes, it is their job but they do care and as you get to know them better you can feel that caring if you allow it in. You can also get a sense of who they are..........personality wise. But you don't want to find out too much about their personal life because it can jeopardize your connection. They are their for YOU. And sometimes as women, it is hard to put the focus on ourselves. Hope that helps.

[Dani]

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

Dani - Do you drive or could you get the bus to see your T next year?

Yeah I do drive, but I'm worried that my T will think that because I'm getting married and moving to another town then she'll end therapy with me. I guess I just worry about everything, and the thought of losing her as my T would be devastating. I know I'm just a client, part of her job, but I can't imagine not going to therapy every week, especially since we still have a lot of issues to work through.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by Dani

Yeah I do drive, but I'm worried that my T will think that because I'm getting married and moving to another town then she'll end therapy with me. I guess I just worry about everything, and the thought of losing her as my T would be devastating. I know I'm just a client, part of her job, but I can't imagine not going to therapy every week, especially since we still have a lot of issues to work through.

Do you feel you could tell her about your worry? Your Therapist probably won't mind at all that you live a bit further away, as long as you can make it to the sessions like you do now. And gettin married won't mean that you can't have T anymore...many people in T are married. Maybe if you tell her your worried she can put your mind at rest?