[SpiritRunner]

So, thought it was panic attacks or anxiety attacks I have been having and had in therapy today, those waves that threaten to wash over me and squeeze me and my heart in a vise......from within and from without both....
But T says, I think it's feelings.......we're talking about emotional things, you are presenting flat emotionally as if you're unaffected, but I think these are the feelings you're not wanting to feel, not used to feeling!
I feel so overwhelmed with these waves of feeling then, that I can hardly stand it! And not to mention the weird things my heart has been doing more of lately, skipping beats/lurching and stopping....that's anxiety producing. And T thinks the two feed off of each other....one exacerbates the other...
She is like, you know when you're mad, you can name anger.....but I am not sure you know how to be sad or when you're sad or how to grieve and mourn losses.....I guess she's right. THAT makes me feel bad.....like I am missing something important in me.....
I sort of think that if 'feeling feelings' is doing this number on me, I could do without it....but know that I do need to learn to feel my feelings, to name them and to know them.....but wow, is it ever ever ever ever so so so hard! Why does it have to hurt so much to have feelings and feel them and know them?!?! I feel like that is a silly question to which I should know the answer......but don't quite!

[lastyearisblank]

I don't know (why)! It sounds like you're doing great work getting in touch with these.

[Out_of_denial]

You sound a lot like me. Even finding out that I might have feelings freaked me out. T. says that they are not nearly as scary as I make them out to be. I'm not so sure about that, but I have been thinking about what I liked when I was younger and trying to feel the good feelings associated with it. The thing I'm thinking of was going to see the Grateful Dead in the summer and listening to them the rest of the year. Those times were so good and got me through a lot of personal muckiness. So, by getting back into it and remembering that time, I can sometimes actually feel happy feelings for a second with out them being overwhelming. It's something that doesn't punch me in the stomach, or wring my chest. I figure a feeling feels kind of like when someone dies unexpectedly, but it's not so big. You kind of got to watch for it. At the very least, I sometimes actually feel for a second what it would be like to get over this. I couldnt do that for the first six months. I have also been working on an auto-biography/journal. Just what ever I feel like writing. About myself, therapy, a story, insights I have gotten about myself. This therapy thing is just crazy. I do think I've made a little progress. I no longer get so angry. My patience is still non-existent, but I dont let everything get me wound up anymore.

Hope you keep trying. I spent a long time trying to find a loop-hole out of having to do it, God knows I have other issues I can work on, but T. was patient about letting me wear myself out with that. You could try that first, it lets you explore it from all angles and kills time.

Good luck.

[granite1]

PG this sounds so hard for you i hope you get ust to them soon .maybe next is knowing how to regulate them some so they are not as intense.i totally get it .i only tend to feel anger and fear.dont know if i care to experiance any others.and wish most times i could get rid of those.big safe hugs

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Out_of_denial

You sound a lot like me. Even finding out that I might have feelings freaked me out. T. says that they are not nearly as scary as I make them out to be. I'm not so sure about that, but I have been thinking about what I liked when I was younger and trying to feel the good feelings associated with it. The thing I'm thinking of was going to see the Grateful Dead in the summer and listening to them the rest of the year. Those times were so good and got me through a lot of personal muckiness. So, by getting back into it and remembering that time, I can sometimes actually feel happy feelings for a second with out them being overwhelming. It's something that doesn't punch me in the stomach, or wring my chest. I figure a feeling feels kind of like when someone dies unexpectedly, but it's not so big. You kind of got to watch for it. At the very least, I sometimes actually feel for a second what it would be like to get over this. I couldnt do that for the first six months. I have also been working on an auto-biography/journal. Just what ever I feel like writing. About myself, therapy, a story, insights I have gotten about myself. This therapy thing is just crazy. I do think I've made a little progress. I no longer get so angry. My patience is still non-existent, but I dont let everything get me wound up anymore.

Hope you keep trying. I spent a long time trying to find a loop-hole out of having to do it, God knows I have other issues I can work on, but T. was patient about letting me wear myself out with that. You could try that first, it lets you explore it from all angles and kills time.

Good luck.

thanks, this helps!
I think T is letting me approach it from this angle and that, but I feel like she's starting to push me just a bit to let those tears go, to see that I need to feel the feelings, really FEEL them!......but it just doesn't feel safe to really feel them or let the tears come either. That....and the happiness, I am trying to figure out what happiness is for me, too....and allow myself to have it and truly feel it.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Hang in there poetgirl.....when I first started the whole identifying feelings in therapy, I had a list of feelings and found the one that seemed to fit the best. It sounds weird, but I spent a lot of time with the dictionary trying to define what was going on. When we are taught not to feel or not to express emotion, we never learn how to identify what's going on and what it "should" feel like. I don't know if any of this makes sense. I still resort to a dictionary and thesaurus when something is happening and I don't have the vocabulary to explain it. Sometimes I think it is safer to feel numb, but my T says if I don't allow myself to feel bad feelings - I miss out on the opportunity to feel the good ones.

[Transcending1]

This is an issue I am working on as well. In my family of origin, emotions were not encouraged. Expressing negativity often resulted in rejection, ridicule, or punishment. As children, we became conditioned NOT to feel. Stuffing emotions often results in somatizing. Your body will express those repressed emotions through physical maladies such as IBS, heart palpitations, etc. Poetgirl-it's encouraging that you are beginning to feel...keep at it.

[Christina86]

I'm sorry you're feeling so "off"! I'm having body problems too, probably caused by anxiety and stuffing back feelings as well - and it hurts and it's really annoying and scary!

Feeling your feelings is hard, naming those feelings is hard, allowing yourself to have those feelings is hard... but it does get easier!

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Hang in there poetgirl.....when I first started the whole identifying feelings in therapy, I had a list of feelings and found the one that seemed to fit the best. It sounds weird, but I spent a lot of time with the dictionary trying to define what was going on. When we are taught not to feel or not to express emotion, we never learn how to identify what's going on and what it "should" feel like. I don't know if any of this makes sense. I still resort to a dictionary and thesaurus when something is happening and I don't have the vocabulary to explain it. Sometimes I think it is safer to feel numb, but my T says if I don't allow myself to feel bad feelings - I miss out on the opportunity to feel the good ones.

I relate completely to this.....must be why I dissociate so much or daydream or go blank.....but yes, not feeling the bad means I miss the good/great too!

Originally Posted by Transcending1

This is an issue I am working on as well. In my family of origin, emotions were not encouraged. Expressing negativity often resulted in rejection, ridicule, or punishment. As children, we became conditioned NOT to feel. Stuffing emotions often results in somatizing. Your body will express those repressed emotions through physical maladies such as IBS, heart palpitations, etc. Poetgirl-it's encouraging that you are beginning to feel...keep at it.

It wasn't safe to feel happy OR sad in my family either one....safer to be numb and slightly melancholy and pensive.....so, if I am beginning to feel huge feelings, it's no wonder my heart is hurting so much, even physically!

Originally Posted by Christina86

I'm sorry you're feeling so "off"! I'm having body problems too, probably caused by anxiety and stuffing back feelings as well - and it hurts and it's really annoying and scary!

Feeling your feelings is hard, naming those feelings is hard, allowing yourself to have those feelings is hard... but it does get easier!

I am sorry you're having problems too.....hope it gets better for you too.

Thanks for the encouragement all, I appreciate it!

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by granite1

PG this sounds so hard for you i hope you get ust to them soon .maybe next is knowing how to regulate them some so they are not as intense.i totally get it .i only tend to feel anger and fear.dont know if i care to experiance any others.and wish most times i could get rid of those.big safe hugs

definitely I need to learn to regulate the huge intensity.....the intensity I know is there is pretty much why I try to stuff emotions because I can't handle the intensity. obviously, or my heart wouldn't hurt literally so much right now, so that I can hardly stand it!
I would like to know a true joy.....that has nothing to with manic elation.....

I wonder what life would be like if we did not have feelings? We tend to not want to feel them because many times they hurt. But what if no one ever felt hurt/pain? Would that really be a better alternative? What if we felt good all the time? Would we even appreciate it?

I am just throwing some stuff out here, because I am on the same page you (and many others) are on. While I am not enjoying this experience at all, I have been thinking about it a lot. Why can't we just allow ourselves to go through it? Why can't we just accept that this is a part of life?

Jesus felt pain, hurt, rejection, loneliness, fear, discouragement, etc.... He set an example for us. He did not deny himself to 'feel'. Somehow it seems that we have gotten things all mixed up. Feeling is actually a good thing. I know that you already know that, but do we believe it?

I wonder how we would feel if we could surrender to it? How do we surrender? That is one question I don't know the answer to. If I (we) knew how to surrender, I am sure we would do that!

As for me, I think I don't surrender because I don't have time to! That sounds odd, but if I allowed myself to totally surrender, I would need a few weeks away from family and friends to process it. While I do realize we need time between sessions to process, I think I would enjoy having therapy every day for a month! I don't mean 50 minute sessions. More like 2 hours sessions everday. That would allow for the shut down period, processing time, crying, talking, etc. Not so much pressure to 'hurry up' and get it all out before the next client shows up!

I guess that makes it sound like an inpatient thing? Spend 30 days in a (safe) mental health place and just focus on ourselves? I can understand why they won't allow you to have any (or limited) contact with anyone on the 'outside'. We would go right back to focusing on everyone else. We tend to feel guilty when we focus on ourselves. At least, I do.

Okay, I bet this did not really address your question at all, but I wanted you to know that I am 'feeling' your pain, and trying to help. I may be drowning in my effort, but I tried.

"Today, I will surrender to my feelings, even the emotionally painful ones. Instead of acting in haste, or attempting to punish someone, I will be vulnerable enough to feel my feelings."

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I wonder what life would be like if we did not have feelings? We tend to not want to feel them because many times they hurt. But what if no one ever felt hurt/pain? Would that really be a better alternative? What if we felt good all the time? Would we even appreciate it? good questions......no, we appreciate the good more because we go through the bad. If we only had good, how much would we truly appreciate and enjoy it?!

I am just throwing some stuff out here, because I am on the same page you (and many others) are on. While I am not enjoying this experience at all, I have been thinking about it a lot. Why can't we just allow ourselves to go through it? Why can't we just accept that this is a part of life? I don't know, I wish I could easily accept that instead of spending energy denying it. But then, I did not learn young that it was safe to accept it as a part of life, it wasn't safe to accept it, so I learned to deny and now have to unlearn that. if that makes any sense.....

Jesus felt pain, hurt, rejection, loneliness, fear, discouragement, etc.... He set an example for us. He did not deny himself to 'feel'. Somehow it seems that we have gotten things all mixed up. Feeling is actually a good thing. I know that you already know that, but do we believe it? I like this thought.....Jesus not denying himself to feel.....he felt so much! Both deep joy and deep sorrow and both interwoven.....

I wonder how we would feel if we could surrender to it? How do we surrender? That is one question I don't know the answer to. If I (we) knew how to surrender, I am sure we would do that!

As for me, I think I don't surrender because I don't have time to! That sounds odd, but if I allowed myself to totally surrender, I would need a few weeks away from family and friends to process it. While I do realize we need time between sessions to process, I think I would enjoy having therapy every day for a month! I don't mean 50 minute sessions. More like 2 hours sessions everday. That would allow for the shut down period, processing time, crying, talking, etc. Not so much pressure to 'hurry up' and get it all out before the next client shows up!
I hear you on that, I wish I had more time.....
I guess that makes it sound like an inpatient thing? Spend 30 days in a (safe) mental health place and just focus on ourselves? I can understand why they won't allow you to have any (or limited) contact with anyone on the 'outside'. We would go right back to focusing on everyone else. We tend to feel guilty when we focus on ourselves. At least, I do. I understand this too.....sometimes I think I should go to the hospital....but then who takes care of my 4 kids then while I go off to get all that time to myself?!?!

Okay, I bet this did not really address your question at all, but I wanted you to know that I am 'feeling' your pain, and trying to help. I may be drowning in my effort, but I tried. You did help and I appreciate the effort and appreciate knowing that you do understand my pain and feel it and that others do too.

"Today, I will surrender to my feelings, even the emotionally painful ones. Instead of acting in haste, or attempting to punish someone, I will be vulnerable enough to feel my feelings."

I like that quote, today I will surrender to my feelings.....just how to do that though without feeling so overwhelmed and literally pained at the heart?!

"God has a lot of feelings, too. He is very transparent with his emotions. The Bible does says that Mankind was created in his image, so we were created to have God's heart and his feelings as well. God probably gave us feelings so we could share in his feelings and relate with Him."

((((((((((((poetgirl)))))))))))))

Learning to feel my feelings was/is SO painful. I've spent SOOOO many years denying feelings, using bad coping skills to avoid feelings, doing ANYTHING to not feel, that when I started to put aside those old defenses, it felt horrible. And scary, and painful..like, even physically painful.

But something else happened too....I honestly did notice the GOOD feelings felt different. They felt bigger. The sky looked prettier, I laughed more...it was like my heart opened up.

I still have to shut down sometimes...sometimes on purpose, and sometimes it happens without me noticing it...but now I miss the openness that allows the good feelings to come. And I remember that it's worth it to me to feel the bad stuff so I can heal enough to feel the good stuff.

I think we have a BIG backlog of bad feelings sometimes when we come into therapy...I know I did. And I had a LOT of anxiety associated with them, like you do...to the point where I ended up getting a prescription for klonopin because it spiraled out and got TOO overwhelming sometimes. But the anxiety has lessened, and even though it's hard, I'm learning to deal with whatever it is I'm feeling. It takes TIME.

My T tells me "feelings are information, not emergencies" and sometimes that helps me step back and ask myself "what is this feeling telling me"? Putting the feeling in a context like that helps me a little.

You will get through this, poetgirl. There is so much beauty and goodness and happiness for you to experience. This is worth it, and you are worth it.

[REEG]

Thanks, Tree very helpful post

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((((((((poetgirl)))))))))))))

Learning to feel my feelings was/is SO painful. I've spent SOOOO many years denying feelings, using bad coping skills to avoid feelings, doing ANYTHING to not feel, that when I started to put aside those old defenses, it felt horrible. And scary, and painful..like, even physically painful.

But something else happened too....I honestly did notice the GOOD feelings felt different. They felt bigger. The sky looked prettier, I laughed more...it was like my heart opened up.
that sounds lovely!
I still have to shut down sometimes...sometimes on purpose, and sometimes it happens without me noticing it...but now I miss the openness that allows the good feelings to come. And I remember that it's worth it to me to feel the bad stuff so I can heal enough to feel the good stuff.

I think we have a BIG backlog of bad feelings sometimes when we come into therapy...I know I did. And I had a LOT of anxiety associated with them, like you do...to the point where I ended up getting a prescription for klonopin because it spiraled out and got TOO overwhelming sometimes. But the anxiety has lessened, and even though it's hard, I'm learning to deal with whatever it is I'm feeling. It takes TIME. gosh, I know I have a huge backlog of hard emotion I am avoiding but it's coming out......T keeps talking to me about all the tears she is sure are in there....I KNOW they are, too, and do they ever HURT! I have Ativan for the anxiety, which really does spiral out and become overwhelming......I had it spiral out in session yesterday which was so odd for me....

My T tells me "feelings are information, not emergencies" and sometimes that helps me step back and ask myself "what is this feeling telling me"? Putting the feeling in a context like that helps me a little. I like this....

You will get through this, poetgirl. There is so much beauty and goodness and happiness for you to experience. This is worth it, and you are worth it.
thanks for this too....I know, this too shall pass and bring better things with it.....but I keep wondering in the midst of it how LONG it will take to pass and when the better things come and I get to experience the happiness and the peace and the grace!

Thank you, tree, your posts always help so much!

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

"God has a lot of feelings, too. He is very transparent with his emotions. The Bible does says that Mankind was created in his image, so we were created to have God's heart and his feelings as well. God probably gave us feelings so we could share in his feelings and relate with Him."

I like this and believe it, too.......

[Sannah]

Maybe it isn't so much the feelings that hurt but what is hurting is your actions to repress those buggers! (The fighting the feelings is what is hurting). What also might hurt is your thoughts about letting the feelings out? Do you think that if you let your feelings out that your parents won't love you?

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Maybe it isn't so much the feelings that hurt but what is hurting is your actions to repress those buggers! (The fighting the feelings is what is hurting). What also might hurt is your thoughts about letting the feelings out? Do you think that if you let your feelings out that your parents won't love you?

the fighting and the thoughts are probably causing pain all right!
surrender would no doubt help but why isn't surrender easier......
I am not worried about my parents not loving me....I know they do and will anyway. I am more concerned I think with the people around me.....concerned about being hurt by them if I am so vulnerable. And concerned about being hurt again by T if I do happen to surrender to tears in session.....rationally I know she won't hurt me, she will probably cry with me, yet I am so unaccustomed to crying in front of anyone I don't even know how to at all.....

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

the fighting and the thoughts are probably causing pain all right!
surrender would no doubt help but why isn't surrender easier......
I am not worried about my parents not loving me....I know they do and will anyway. I am more concerned I think with the people around me.....concerned about being hurt by them if I am so vulnerable. And concerned about being hurt again by T if I do happen to surrender to tears in session.....rationally I know she won't hurt me, she will probably cry with me, yet I am so unaccustomed to crying in front of anyone I don't even know how to at all.....

Have you been able to name your feelings? Do you know if they're directed to anything specific? How does having your feelings make you vulnerable? Will you/do you act differently with the feelings? When you weren't having these feelings, what was your life like?

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Have you been able to name your feelings? not exactly, besides anxious, afraid, angry, I know those!
Do you know if they're directed to anything specific?this darn garage sale is not helping matters, I will feel better when it's over. but that is not really it, there is more, things that I am grieving but not letting myself name it as grief or acknowledge it as a loss worthy of grieving, not letting myself be sad or sorrowful......so my body I think is acting out the pain by physically feeling it (altho I DO have an irregular rhythm the dr gave me a beta blocker for today....)
How does having your feelings make you vulnerable? let's see.....it exposes me, my soft side, my unarmored side where the arrows will pierce and there will be more pain....
Will you/do you act differently with the feelings? I feel more unstable.....more real but more unstable.....
When you weren't having these feelings, what was your life like?

It seemed peaceable......but was not actually, not better, because I had moments like this and just pushed them away, stuffed the intensity away where it didn't hurt. Now I simply can't deny them or deny the intensity, but am having greater pain than I ever have had (and thought I had had a lot.....) because I do not know how to just be with the emotions and the intensity and how to surrender without being sunk. I keep sinking.....

[rainbow8]

I can identify with not expressing feelings, not knowing what they are, and especially not being able to cry in my sessions. I'm sorry it's so difficult for you, Poetgirl. I don't have any answers. This is my first time working with a T with whom I'm admitting some of my feelings that have been locked up. I don't know what to do with them, and it does hurt. I wish therapy were easier.

[SpiritRunner]

I wish it were easier too......easier to do the hard work. To do the hard work and have it be easy......that sounds like an oxymoron! At least I mean less hurtful to do the hard work.....but then therapy at times seems to sort of be like that saying, no pain, no gain.....anyway, the gains won't come without some cost!

[Sannah]

I hope that you can find a way to allow yourself to grieve.......

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I hope that you can find a way to allow yourself to grieve.......

somehow there has to be a way and I hope I find it too.....maybe T will help me in the process of finding it, of letting the grief and sorrow and pain and hurt all out, feeling it and letting it out!