[rainbow8]

I had my session today and it was painful. When I talked about the googling and researching activities, and said I wanted to work with that part, we did IFS. I closed my eyes and she wanted to hear all about that part, but NOT about her at all. She wanted to hear all about those people in my RL I did this with, starting with 1st grade. I didn't research then, of course! I had these fantasy relationships where I tried to find out things about the person instead of having a real relationship with them.

Then, she brought it back earlier to being a baby and could I feel what the baby wanted. I wanted to figure it out, and know why she thought it started then, but she just wanted me to FEEL the feelings. I was frustrated because I wanted it to be about HER, not the baby! I didn't want to comfort the baby. She says this all started at a young age or I wouldn't have the feelings. I believe her but I didn't want to GO THERE.

There was about 10 minutes left and I said I just wanted to put my head down on the couch so I did. I didn't cry but I felt so blah. I told her she was "shattering my dreams" again and I just wanted to keep her the way she was in my fantasies. I felt like dying. After about a minute I was surprised when she was sitting next to me and touching me. Just her hand on my arm or something. I don't remember but it felt good. So I sat up and looked at her. She told me how she wants to help me. I said "what good is her knowing all this about me, etc." I don't remember exactly what I said or she said. I know I said I wanted it to be about her.

In the beginning of the session I had asked about merging. She heard of it, but she doesn't like diagnoses anyway. She said she's not an expert on BPD. I knew that already. No other T who had more knowledge of BPD helped me anyway. She said getting to the young parts and hearing their story will help me. She still thinks holding my hand is good. I questioned her on that. She knows it's a different way of therapy.

I felt something today because she wouldn't let me make her important, and that's the feeling I felt about "the baby." I felt unloved. I told her I felt like she was rejecting me, and she said she wasn't. She's trying to build up my Self, she keeps saying. I keep saying I'm fighting it.

So, I feel sad!! I know this is what therapy is about, and she thinks I'm doing it. It's going to hurt, but we're both well aware of this pattern and she wants me to learn how to get my needs met without having to resort to this pattern, and not needing to google her, etc.

I don't know if I'm going to survive this.

[SpiritRunner]

Your T is doing the right thing, not letting it be about her, because really it isn't about her......my T tells me this often, too, when I make a comment about how maybe my attitude that day makes it challenging for her. She says, it's not about me, it's about you, and we work with what you bring....
So, it is painful, and I understand. Because I would like it to be more about my T sometimes too, where she would say, yes, this affects her in this way.....but no. The therapy is about me and how things affect me....the therapy is about YOU and how things are in you, how they affect you.
You WILL survive and what's more, you will learn more about you and your pattern and how to make it different....

[lastyearisblank]

Awww (((((((rainbow)))))) I know just how you feel and please don't feel bad!

[Chronic]

((((Rainbow))))) Sorry it hurts so much. I am in a similar situation right now so don't have much to offer, but you WILL survive it, with Ts support (and ours!)

[rainbow8]

poetgirl, thank you. I know this is my core issue, as I think it's called. It's all about this. My googling is a symptom of this deep problem inside of me. It hurts so bad, though.

I so much wanted my T to be another one of those "persons". As much as I want help, I still had the fantasy and still do, as stupid and silly as it is I can never stop wanting that. My T says I will want it until we heal the young parts, and that's what we're working on. She says it takes time.

lyib, thanks for understanding.

[rainbow8]

Chronic, it helps to know I'm not alone. I can't stand to want and not want something at the same time!

I can't stand that this pattern has been my life since I was a baby. I want to fix it before I die. I'm not that old, but older than most here.

My T said she can't fix me. I forgot what she meant. I have to fix myself? What did that mean??????

[Indie'sOK]

((((((((((((((Rainbow))))))))))))))))) I am sorry this hurts so bad, I can understand that. One of the hardest things in therapy is facing the fact that it's not about the therapist, and it takes a while for that to sink in. We're all here for you though, and always will be.

[rainbow8]

thanks, Indie, for all the hugs! I've had 15 years of therapy, so you'd think it would sink in by now. It's not that I want it to be about her, I just want to be with her all of the time. Same thing. Wishes and fantasies, I mean. I KNOW the reality. It just hurts like a new wound, each time. She was clear from the start, that she was a coach, and I'd get to know my internal parts, etc.

I just went right ahead and stuck her in like the rest! On the other hand, I truly do like her and she likes me. For real. The real, therapeutic relationship is very good too. I just crave the other I can't have, until I get healed.

BTW, starting tongiht I'll be away from internet access for a couple of days. Don't want anyone to wonder where I went.

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I truly do like her and she likes me. For real. The real, therapeutic relationship is very good too. I just crave the other I can't have, until I get healed.

I can relate to this - yesterday my T told me that she likes ME, truly does, and that she enjoys talking to me. If we weren't client and therapist we'd make great friends, and I know I'd admire her and doing so wouldn't cause an issue in the long run. But that's not reality, so it is an issue when it causes me to resist treatment for fear of losing her. Does this sound familiar?

I too hope that these feelings diminish once I'm healed..."healed" sounds like a new personality, brimming with logic and self-confidence. The logic will tell me that T is not my friend and that we no longer need to see each other. This is what I imagine "healed" feeling like, but I doubt that is how it will really turn out. I'll probably go on wanting to be her friend and needing that support from HER alone, no matter how much logic tells me not to.

I hope this helps some, though I imagine it comes across as awfully bleak. Hopefully it makes sense, too

[rainbow8]

Yeah, I could have written your post. Thank you, Indie'sOK! In my case, the wanting didn't go away until I saw my NEXT T! Except for about 10 years when I was with no T, and before that, in college.

[granite1]

rain sending hugs your way.i do understand to some extent what you are going through and i just seems so hard.but i do believe you will survive this.i hope you take care and keep yourself safe i need you around here.i know i dont have much to say to help you feel better i think lots of people have said some great things.. but sending big hugs

[mixedup_emotions]

I can just feel that deep ache of wanting something so badly, that's so out of reach...yet right there. So hard....(((( rainbow ))))

[rainbow_rose]

[Sannah]

This is it Rainbow! I think that you and your therapist have discovered a major issue here. Wow! Great work!

You create fantasy to avoid your feelings. It is like an addiction.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Well, I googled "merging" and came up with very litte. Is there anyone here that can explain what it is??

[rainbow8]

granite, thanks for being here for me again!

rainbow_rose, thank you too.

mue, yes it's just out of reach and always has been for me. Thank you for putting that thought into words for me.

Sannah, I've always said that I'm addicted to my Ts. I don't know if it's about not wanting to feel the feelings, or about knowing I can't get what I want. I emailed my T that I can't tolerate when Ts take away the drug. THEY are the drug, but it's not an addiction, it's a need that feels like an addiction. Not getting it makes me want to die. "It" being love, I assume. Unconditional love forever and ever. Fantasy and reality mix with my T because she's meeting some of my fantasies and says that's healing. It is, but the bottom line is she can't be there forever and that feels like there's no reason to live.

Giving it to that baby or child makes me want to scream because I need someone else to give it to me. Holding T's hand gives me some of that feeling I want.

I don't know if it's a need to merge or not. I want T to be T, and me to be me, but I want HER holding/touching ME.

Well, that's the problem and there isn't any easy solution!!!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't know if it's about not wanting to feel the feelings, or about knowing I can't get what I want.

I emailed my T that I can't tolerate when Ts take away the drug.

THEY are the drug, but it's not an addiction, it's a need that feels like an addiction. Not getting it makes me want to die. "It" being love, I assume. Unconditional love forever and ever.

Fantasy and reality mix with my T because she's meeting some of my fantasies and says that's healing. It is, but the bottom line is she can't be there forever and that feels like there's no reason to live.

Giving it to that baby or child makes me want to scream because I need someone else to give it to me. Holding T's hand gives me some of that feeling I want.

You have a need for love. Maybe the problem is is that you are only allowing love to come to you through your fantasy and this is why it isn't satisfying? If you can learn to allow love to come as it may, without your control, maybe then it will be enough? Do you use fantasy so that you can be in control?

[rainbow8]

I'm not sure, Sannah. I have trouble identifying my feelings and motivations. I'm confused about it all. I've been busy this week so have not thought about T as much as usual, but I know the feelings are there. I have my session tomorrow.

Do I use fantasy so I can be in control? If that means I can make it how I want it, yes! I was depressed last week because my T "shattered my dreams". That means I again realized that she can't and won't be "everything" to me. Of course, intellectually I know that, and I want to stop this pattern I've had my whole life, but without a T or someone to "have that with", I feel like I might as well die. Those are my FEELINGS; I don't really want to die.

My T satisfies a lot of my feelings for love. It's hard to accept because the reality of the relationship gets in the way. But if I let her "love" in, I feel better. It's when I try to start "figuring it out", which she doesn't want me to do, is when I get in trouble. She WANTS to give me some of what I need, and I let that happen when I hold her hand. But last week she came on strong about ME being there for my little parts so I panicked. She said she will be there with me so I don't know why I'm panicking about it.

I think that tomorrow I will tell her that I have to draw myself in the heart where I drew her with my "child part", even though I don't want to. I HAVE to learn how to take care of her because it hurts too much to know my T won't always be there. I need to do both. Accept my T's caring/love for me, and learn how to give it to myself.

[Suratji]

Rainbow - this is a tough issue. We all seek and need love. It's so complicated because what is it exactly that looks and feels like love? And is it possible, really, to get the kind of love we need from another person? I doubt it.

This past week I had been looking for a symbol in the guise of a figurine that would represent my core 'me'. As you probably already know, our core selves have everything we need. We are whole.

Amazingly I found a figurine that represents a good portion of what I understand to be our true nature. It is a girl/fairy lying on her back on a horse. She is relaxed and holding up in her hands a baby raccoon.

Now, this may not seem special but the symbolism is alive for me. She feels so safe that she can allow herself to be vulnerable lying on her back. She is confident but also very loving as she plays with the baby animal. Her wings allow her freedom to go where she wants without restriction. The horse is beautiful and supports her with a solid foundation.

She exudes confidence, playfulness, love, joy, freedom, safety, strength, vulnerability (without fear), self-confidence, giving - and all good things.

And this is who we are deep within ourselves. When we reach that awareness and feel it throughout our being, we will finally have a profound sense of comfort in our own skins and will not need to seek it without anymore.

All that we need is within.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I think that tomorrow I will tell her that I have to draw myself in the heart where I drew her with my "child part", even though I don't want to. I HAVE to learn how to take care of her because it hurts too much to know my T won't always be there. I need to do both. Accept my T's caring/love for me, and learn how to give it to myself.

I like that!

[PTSDlovemycats]

I like it as well. Nicely said!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

But last week she came on strong about ME being there for my little parts so I panicked. She said she will be there with me so I don't know why I'm panicking about it.

I think that tomorrow I will tell her that I have to draw myself in the heart where I drew her with my "child part", even though I don't want to. I HAVE to learn how to take care of her because it hurts too much to know my T won't always be there. I need to do both. Accept my T's caring/love for me, and learn how to give it to myself.

How did your session go today?

[rainbow8]

Thanks for asking, Sannah. I felt bad after my session today and I cried in my car and had trouble leaving the parking lot. Therapy is always the same for me and I'm getting depressed about it.

We did meditation first, which calmed me. Then I told her about my week, in which I was very busy and felt good and happy! But when I started talking about last session, it didn't go so well. It seems that I began saying how I felt sad about T "shattering my dreams" but I switched to something else and we didn't get back to it. We ended up talking about my H, which is important, I know. It's just another huge subject with no answers.

Early in the session I asked to draw me in the heart with T and little me, so I did it. Of course she asked how I felt about doing that, and I said I didn't like it, but I couldn't say more. It seems like everything I started today I stopped myself!

I pushed her away a little, maybe because I feel like I don't "have her anymore" anyway. She said she's not going anywhere, but that didn't help. At the end, she wanted to do "breathing through my heart". I had to put my hand on my heart and breathe, thinking of something I was grateful for. I didn't want to do it. I wanted to hold her hand, so she sat next to me and held one hand while I did it with the other. I wanted to be grateful for her holding my hand, but she wanted something in RL so I said my grandchildren, though she said it could be "holding her hand" if I wanted to. I felt too pathetic about that so I changed it. Then she said we could walk out together. She had to go to the bathroom and so did I, but I said we couldn't go together. Later I felt like a failure because I just should have gone with her. There are 4 stalls. Well, sorry for TMI.

I don't know what is wrong with me. My T never said I couldn't be close to her anymore, or that I had to "give her up." We did talk about part of me who wanted to "stop the pattern" but I couldn't stay with that either. I talked about her shattering my dreams again.

I made it clear to her that it felt like I had nothing left when she talked about my being there for my parts last week. She then asked if my parts know that there is a Self? That I should ask them! I didn't want to go there either and said I don't know if they know, and I still don't know what my Self is.

So, what was I doing today? I don't know!! I was too tired for therapy. I didn't really "see" her today except when I first came in and I noticed she looked good so I didn't want to feel anything for her.

Therapy is too hard for me now!!!

[Sannah]

You will get there Rainbow. You are onto some good issues. Eventually you will get there. Good work!

[WikidPissah]

(((rainbow))) I've been reading, but haven't known what to say. I still don't know, but I do care that you are hurting and I'm sending you hugs. I hope you find peace in all of this really soon.