[zooropa]

I'm sorry I'm not reading or replying much right now.

I'm going in tomorrow morning for a procedure that is so hugely triggering I can't even really let myself think about it.

I saw T today and just sat there and cried a lot of the time. She told me it's okay to feel it, to just let it wash over me. She told me I'm safe there, and she asked me to let her carry some of the pain for me. She said she cares about me and she wants to hear all about what's going on, that it's not too gross or too nasty (my words) and that she wants to know.

She thanked me for choosing to share my story with her.

When I left she asked if she could hug me and I held onto her and cried and told her "I'm so scared" and she just hugged me harder and said she knows I'm scared and that it won't always be like this and she told me over and over that I'll be okay. She told me to call her tomorrow and let her know what's going on.

I sent her a text a few hours later, thanking her for being there. I told her that I'm hanging on really hard to the things she said today. I asked her not to drop me, and said I'm so scared I can hardly breathe.

She wrote back and said she didn't carry me this far to drop me now, and she said I can breathe and I need to remind myself of that.

[Flooded]

Your t is EXACTLY what you need zoo

[swimmergirl]

((((((((((zoo))))))))))))

It sounds like things are going better for you and T after your rupture. I am very glad. Sending hugs your way to help you tomorrow. Remember to reach out here if you need it.

[googley]

((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))

I'm so glad you were able to get the support you needed from your T. That is wonderful. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow.

[Indie'sOK]

((((((zoo))))) Gentle hugs. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts

[rainbow8]

zoo, I'm so glad your T was there for you the way you needed her to be, today. I'll be thinking of you and hoping your procedure tomorrow goes okay for you.

Zoo, sending tons and tons of safe hugs Sounds like a good session with t and she was supportive. sending positive thoughts your way for tomorrow. and do call t tomorrow and let her know about things. she cares.

[Lauru]

(((((zoo)))))

Sending best wishes and thoughts your way. I am so happy T was helpful!

((((((((zoo)))))))

Thinking of you today. You will make it to the other side of this

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( zoo ))))

I am so glad that your T was there for you during this. I am thinking of you and care so much about your well being. You will get through this. ((( BIG HUGS )))

[zooropa]

omg. It was pretty bad, you guys. I cried the whole entire time. I obviously wasn't drugged up enough.

I've been playing phone tag with my T since before the procedure. I really hope I get to talk to her before my kids get home. I'm kind of a wreck and not sure how the heck I'm going to pull it together in the next hour. Ugh. This is really, really hard.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by zooropa

omg. It was pretty bad, you guys. I cried the whole entire time. I obviously wasn't drugged up enough.

I've been playing phone tag with my T since before the procedure. I really hope I get to talk to her before my kids get home. I'm kind of a wreck and not sure how the heck I'm going to pull it together in the next hour. Ugh. This is really, really hard.

Aw zoo ((((((((huge hugs))))))))) You were so brave and I am proud of you! You are a strong person! It's completely ok to be upset. You are safe and we are all here for you too.It's over now.
I am so glad that your therapist and you are both having a better relationship now after the rupture, which I felt you also showed great courage.

[geez]

(((Zoo))) many hugs. I wish I could say something to take your pain away. Keep posting and many safe comforting thoughts.

[zooropa]

Finally talked to T. Sort of. She was abrupt and cold and didn't ask me how I am or how it went today. She just said, what can I do for you? And that was probably the high point of the conversation. In the end she hung up while I sobbed.

I wish there was a way that I could have held onto the connected, supported feeling I had after my session yesterday. When my T does this, when she acts unexpectedly or drastically different, it really really throws me into a spiral. I can definitely see right now how fragile the trust that we were rebuilding is. It just takes one conversation, one interaction where T was "off", and the trust is just gone.

I'm too tired and sick and sad to have energy to even consider this a rupture. I don't think it's a rupture, I think it's just a symptom. It's just...this is probably the way things are at the end of a relationship. Too much water under the bridge, too many hurt feelings and just too much history. Not enough tolerance to let the little things go. I'm sure it's me, I know it is actually. I don't know HOW it's me, I don't know what I did (should I have not called her today? Should I have not called her back this afternoon? I rarely leave her more than one message, I will usually leave one and then wait it out. But I called her this morning and then I called her again this afternoon. Was that too much? I don't know), but I know it is me and not her. I just don't think I have it in me anymore to keep trying to get something from T that she intermittently and sporadically provides. I keep stepping in the holes in between her support, and it hurts. There are more holes than spaces between the holes now anyway.

And isn't this an interesting diversion from what's actually going on in my life? It's like I'm playing a shell game with myself, always distracting myself when things get hard.

[swimmergirl]

((((((((zoo))))))))))

I'm proud that you were able to make it through your procedure even though that was tough for you. Good job. I hope you had some pocket riders with you, if you want them. Know that we were all their in spirit with you.
I don't know what to tell you about your T. I just got done reading yesterday where things were going great and now they are not. I know how hard it is to have all your happiness tied up based on the last conversation you had with T. It sounds like you have had a tough day. Just rest and try to remember how you felt yesterday until your next appt. I disagree that the issues with your T are entirely your fault. I know we are responsibles for our perceptions, actions, etc. but your T has always been moving the boundaries back and forth, back and forth. I can't even keep up with it and I'm not the one living it like you are. Remember to post as you need to. I hope you can find some peace. Remember to take care of little zoo. That image still resonates with me. ((((((((zoo))))))))))))))

[dizgirl2011]

aw Zoo, I'm sorry that you didn't get the support you wanted and needed from the phone call.

Can I ask what you said to her when she asked what she could do for you?
I am going to play devils advocate to maybe open up some suggestion or thought on the phonecall because sometimes it helps. Is it possible that by asking this question she was wondering what she was able to do that would make you feel better? You say that there was a phone tag going on between you and T from before the procedure and afterwards. Was her texts supportive? Is it possible that the reason she didn't ask how you were was because she knew and was unsure what to do?

what was the last words of the phone call before she ended the call?

I wish I could give you a massive hug, I know what it's like to have a therapist who is saying one thing and maybe doing another, it is very annoying and upsetting and removes a feeling of safety.



p.s I wanted to add I agree with swimmer girl - it's hard to keep up with your T because she doesn't seem to have a clue where her boundaries lie and that's her fault not yours.

[jexa]

oh zoo. you did it, you did it. You see? The doctors, they were not after you. You are safe now. The doctors helped you, they helped you heal, they know what to do, what they did was painful but it was healing for your body, not destructive. You did right by little zoo. You took care of her, you kept her healthy, it hurt to give her this medicine but you were like her mother, saying, I know you don't like this, but I promise, I am taking care of you right now.

As far as T is concerned, who knows what is going on with her. She is not that mother inside of you, guiding and holding your little zoo. T can be quite helpful, can provide tools, can try to guide, but she is not the mother inside. That mother is you. T is the mom's coach, and someone to check in with, but the anchor? That is you.

[zooropa]

T left me a voicemail. She said I've been calling her too much. Which, honestly, is ********. I haven't talked to her between sessions for over 2 weeks, until today. I have to be done with this. I am so angry and so hurt right now, I can't even express it. But I'm not devastated. I'm not frantic. I have reached some internal limit and I'm listening to that. I can't take on a drama with T right now, I have too much other stuff going on. I told her to cancel my next appointment. And I'm okay. I know I tried my best, my very best. I couldn't have tried harder. I'm just done.

PS thanks, Jexa. Your post (as well as all the others) made me think about what's going on in me right now. I think after yesterday's session, after T holding me while I cried and her telling me I'll be okay, I sort of fell back into the role of feeling like T was taking care of me. Because that I felt in that moment, and it felt good. It did. And then when she withdrew today, it hurt. I think that would hurt anyone. And the only way, the ONLY way, to avoid that kind of hurt is to be my own anchor. To be my own mother, as you say, Jexa.

PPS this is what sticks with me from the voicemail T left: "if you want emotional support, call your friends. Don't call me for emotional support." That, right there, that's the dealbreaker. That's where I reach my limit and say this isn't okay with me. Because that's not what she said yesterday. That's not what she said on the voicemail she left me earlier today. It's the inconsistency that is making this so hard. I just have to walk away now.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by zooropa

PPS this is what sticks with me from the voicemail T left: "if you want emotional support, call your friends. Don't call me for emotional support." That, right there, that's the dealbreaker. That's where I reach my limit and say this isn't okay with me. Because that's not what she said yesterday. That's not what she said on the voicemail she left me earlier today. It's the inconsistency that is making this so hard. I just have to walk away now.

OMG! zoo

I think you are right to be done with her. There is far too much moving of the goal posts were she is concerned and it has caused you so much heartache in recent months that it's just not worth it. It is not fair on you to keep seeing her. You could find a therapist who is much better at giving you the support you need. I think what she said in that voicemail was very hurtful and not something to be said in a voicemail to a client already in distress! I know she said "phoning" but do you think she may mean contact via text or something since yesterdays session? I am not condoning her way of handling any of this because it is clearly wrong but I am wondering what has sparked her off between yesterday and today.
I am so sorry that you are having to yet again deal with her lack of controlled boundaries, guidelines and consistant suport.

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by zooropa

"if you want emotional support, call your friends. Don't call me for emotional support."

Umm, excuse me, but WTF T?? ((((zoo))) This was completely wrong of her to say, and you have a right to be angry.

Originally Posted by zooropa

It's the inconsistency that is making this so hard. I just have to walk away now.

Amen. I wholeheartedly agree because the inconsistency is not only hurting you, it's hindering your progress as well, and that's HER fault.

[zooropa]

thanks for validating that, you guys. I actually went back and re-listened to her message to make sure that's what I heard, even though it was also transcribed so I have the words sitting right in front of me. And yes, that is what she said.

I don't know what changed between yesterday and today, and you know what? I am actually really tired of wondering what is going on with T. Jexa is right, I don't know what she has going on or why she acts the way she does. And I'm tired of wondering. I shouldn't have to worry about that. She's not my friend or my partner or my colleague.

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by zooropa

thanks for validating that, you guys. I actually went back and re-listened to her message to make sure that's what I heard, even though it was also transcribed so I have the words sitting right in front of me. And yes, that is what she said.

I don't know what changed between yesterday and today, and you know what? I am actually really tired of wondering what is going on with T. Jexa is right, I don't know what she has going on or why she acts the way she does. And I'm tired of wondering. I shouldn't have to worry about that. She's not my friend or my partner or my colleague.

Zoo, I admire how strong and in-control you sound right now.

[zooropa]

I'm really ****ing pissed, actually. She TOLD me to call her and tell her how the procedure went. Then when I did, I get hit with this "you are calling me too much." It's ********. And I'm just not willing to sit in this place of not knowing, of feeling all of this and being unable to process it, for 6 more days. I'm not. The only thing that feels remotely good to me right now is to walk away.

And I know I just went through this huge triggering ordeal this morning, and I'm on drugs and I shouldn't make any life decisions right now, but really. I have to do something to make me feel okay. You guys know, if you've been here and if you read the posts from the huge rupture we just had, you know how incredibly difficult that was for me. How out of control I was. I will do anything to avoid going through that again. Anything.

Oh ((((((((ZOO))))))))). I want to give you so many hugs.

First of all, you DID it. I know how triggering this was for you, and you did it. And like Jexa said (and like my T told me when I went through something similar), this is for your healing, not your destruction. This is you taking care of you. This is doctors helping you. This is you being in charge of your health. This is you taking care of Big Zoo and Little Zoo. This is now, and now you are doing just what you are supposed to do. I am so proud of you for moving through that fear.

I don't even know what to say about T right now. It feels like she picked a really bad moment to tell you to call someone else for emotional support...that obviously could have waited until after you had recovered a bit from today. I find her behavior super confusing and I'm really REALLY sorry.

Hang in there, zoo. All of this is hard, and you are doing it. Let yourself heal, be gentle with you, and know that you are loved

[zooropa]

I want you guys to know what she said. I don't even care about anonymity or private communications anymore, not right now. So here's the transcribed text of her voicemail. Please know that google voice doesn't always do a perfect job with transcribing, especially when someone says "um" or has a lot of verbal pauses, so I went in and fixed those but otherwise I didn't change anything or take anything out at all.

Yeah, Hi. This is [T], I got your voicemail and I am, feeling like you're pushing me You're starting to call me more often and tell me things that upset you about things I did or didn't do. Yeah, when you called and said that you were upset that I didn't ask, Hey, you know what, Molly, This is phone coaching. And sometimes. I guess I'm gonna ask you know procedures went, and sometimes not. Sometimes I'm gonna ask you and it's not about whether or not I care, it's about how busy i am how much energy I have and what's going on with me. That's when I'm gonna ask, or not, and that's okay, so. It's not about you [chuckle] it is not about you. As far as doing something wrong. You didn't do anything wrong to make me ask for not ask. and Molly, Yes, you are starting to call me too much. As far as needing, reassurance that I will be there or reassurance that I still care. Or just reassurance In general, so. If you want phone coaching Molly, I'm more than happy to give you a phone, Coaching and Just know that I'm still here, please, i, I need you to stop calling from the reassurance. If you want emotional support, call your friends and get emotional support from them. alright, call me if you want coaching. Thank you. Bye.

for clarity: a while after I talked to her I called and left her a message asking if I did something wrong, if I called her too much or said the wrong things. I said it hurt my feelings that she didn't ask how the procedure went. I said I am tired of being in this place of not knowing what I did wrong this time, and that I'm done. I told her it's a dealbreaker for me, and I am going to walk away now. Her message above was in response to that. When she called I was too afraid in that moment to talk to her, afraid she would say something that hurt me. I think that was a wise choice.