Please help me!

I couldn't go home after my session. I went to the lake, bought ice-cream, and walked around in a daze, feeling miserable!

I hated my session though it is what my T thinks I need now. She said the last few sessions have been spent talking about transference and our relationship so there isn't time for anything else. Immediately I felt depressed about that. She wanted to do EMDR about my brother and said that will help, that my feelings aren't about her, but they are from my childhood. Okay, so I agreed though I was dying inside.

She picked the time or times he threw lit matches at me, which is why I'm afraid of fire now. But, being in the throes of my transference feelings, it was hard to picture my brother and the matches. I tried and halfway succeeded. I told her I was thinking about her instead, and she said that was all right, because anything goes with EMDR, but I knew it would be more helpful if it were about my brother, so I tried to picture the incidents. I remember the sound of the matches. I was in my closet, and he threw them but he knew they would go out. He wasn't trying to burn me, just tease me. I know once he "locked" me in the closet though there wasn't a lock on the door. I think my girlfriend was there too, I don't know whose side she was on!

So, after a time, my T wanted me to visualize how I could have protected myself. I said I could have torn the closet door down, or screamed at my brother to stop. My parents probably weren't home; he must have been around 14 and me 9, maybe. Or maybe 15 and 10, I don't remember.

We had to end on time but before that I told my T that I wanted her to hold my hand, and if she didn't I was going to quit therapy. I think I said that; I was kind of angry. So she did, but there was only about a minute left. I said "I HATE sessions like these" and I said something about feeling sad about her, not my brother. She says she thinks it's about him, not her.

Okay, we all know I'm not stupid, so why do I want it to be about her? I think she said because it's easier to think about her than my brother being mean to me. But I feel like she, not my brother, tore out my heart! I feel like I want to curl up and lie down and maybe wake up next week for my session. I want to call her. I want to email her but I haven't yet.

I want my T to comfort me and we didn't talk about that at all, just about how I can meditate to calm down. Maybe I need to do that.

I hate my T right now. She turned into my former T, but she says she's helping me. My brain knows that, but my heart is being ripped out. Can you guys PLEASE help?

I have no advice to offer, as I am having similar difficulty w/my therapist - I can very much empathize and understand. you are not alone in feeling like this.

rain you need to breathe and step back some.this T isnt your old t at all she is a very differnt person with a very differnt personality.
i know you are angry with her right now but could this be because she is wanting you to look at things you dont want to look at and to see them in ways you dont want to see them.it is easier for you to think about her and want to deal with feelings about her than it is to deal with feelings about terrifying things from the past.although i am sorry your T didnt leave enough time to be able to comfort you and to help you calm down before you left therapy.this is a horrable place to be in.i know it is hard.and i would be angry at that .but know that your T does care about you .SHE DOES.and will be thare for you .even if it doesnt feel like it now .can you trust that others know this and believe it and see it

You are resisting working on YOUR issues and instead you want to focus on your t. She is trying to get you to move forward, and as long as you keep avoiding the real issues by making everything about her, you will not move forward.

oh god, rainbow, this is so much what I experienced yesterday. And while I do understand the rationale behind it, I also know too well how much it hurts. How invalidating it feels. How it feels like T is keeping herself away from you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

(((((Rainbow)))))) I am so sorry this is so hard for you. I think your T wants to help you to get to those deep roots of your pain. That is hard to do. BIG hugs!

My T always tells me it ISN'T about her.....and it isn't! Sometimes I may want it to be, but it isn't. Therapy is about my/our issues and our Ts want to help us focus on what we need to work on, not be distracted by our feelings/thoughts for them......so, as much as it hurts, your T is really doing what she needs to do to help you and to help you work on your issues!

I emailed my T twice already. The first time I said that I hated her and hated the session. I just emailed again after I meditated and told her I felt cut off from her. I said I wanted to do EMDR but she invalidated me by something she said early in the session. I KNOW she's right about it but I couldn't help the way I felt. She said "we've spent so much time talking about your feelings for me that we haven't had time for anything else." That hurt me! Talking about me in the picture with her and my child part was important, not "nothing." I didn't tell her that in the email though.

rainbow_rose, I'm sorry you're feeling like I do. It helps to know I'm not alone.

granite, everything you say is true except I can't get a handle on whether it was terrifying or not. If I did, I would have put a trigger symbol on my thread. I'm afraid of fire and I know my brother teased me with matches, so it must be true. It's also true that my T cares and yes, she's definitely the opposite of my former T. Thank you.

farmergirl, what can I say? My T is like a drug for me so it's very hard to set that aside though I can see it's why I'm struggling so much.

zoo, your words ring true for me. I'm sorry you're in such pain too.

WePow, I've missed you lately. Yes, getting to the roots of my hurt. It's what I want to do but it's what I fight not to do. What a dilemma, isn't it!

poetgirl, my brain knows it, but my heart doesn't.

i know for me if i was in a closet and someone was flicking matches at me and i couldnt get away i would be terrified especially at 9 yrs old.

do you think you could work out some sort of deal that you would be able to talk about your relationship for a small part of the session and other issues also.

I may have been 10 or even 11, I don't remember but I know it was scary because I was afraid the matches wouldn't go out even though I know my brother really didn't want to burn me. I KNOW that for a fact. But this experience doesn't explain my intense need for my T, does it? It's not so much that I need to discuss it with her, but I need to feel that she's comforting me and that we're connected. Most of today's session was with my eyes closed. That didn't help me feel connected at all!

Rainbow, by sharing difficult times from your life with your T, you can become very close to her, and share emotional intimacy, camraderie, caring, etc. You can have all these things without having to talk about you and her. You seem to want that intimacy--you can have it and still focus on the other problems in session, like about those early experiences with your brother. Maybe if you knew this can lead to intimacy, it would help you "give up" the focus on your T all the time. Just a thought. My T and I do not talk about "us" very often, and we are super close.

sunrise this is so true

you were saying your brain is thinking one thing but, your heart is feeling another, As a result your heart feels like its being ripped out, you feel hurt and misunderstood........ Yes, this ...I can also relate too. You are not alone with all of these feelings... My therapist had to tell me once, "Jazzy, I don't have any power over you. You are giving me too much power" I think we have to be careful of giving our therapist too much power over our lives and our happiness. I'm in therapy too, so don't think I'm judging or don't understand what it feels like to have your heart hurting and be in pain...I do, very much so. But, personally, I've had to learn and teach myself that there will be moments where I am completley obsessed and focused on how my T is treating me and its okay to hurt, to cry, to be upset for a while but, there is too much beauty, too many other things in life to focus on and discover for us to let it completley take over us/destroy us...and take over all that we are, mentally, physically, and emotionally... See, I'm not saying you are wrong for feeling what you are feeling or going through attachment issues/problems with T in session, I'm just saying, the tone of your post sounds like you are letting therapy control you highly, giving your T too much power over your mood and feelings...and it doesnt have to be this way... we can Hurt through therapy and still feel strong at the same time. we can find a way to NOT feel helpless. Yes, we hurt but, the helplessness doesn't have to be. hope this makes sense... this is all stuff I'm working on in my personal life too. so I say it with encouragement not judgement. I'm working on being okay with being HURT (validating my pain) but, not being okay with that feeling of helplessness. I'm working on realizing that I am strong enough for therapy and I can be concerned without letting it completey take over my life. IT's a learning process indeed! But, I think understanding that is what gets us to move from a place of focusing on transference in therapy to focusing on ourselves a little bit more...when we give our T's all the power over our feelings/mood...we will focus more on them then our personal issues in therapy.

P.S. this is coming from a girl, who just went to therapy today and the difference is, I HAD to go home...I was in so much pain, I got right in the bed at 5 p.m. and slept till midnight...when I woke up I cried and cried... and now I'm dusting myself off and telling myself, that today is going to be a new day, it was okay for me to hurt but, I have to move on. So, me not understanding that feeling of your heart being ripped out is completley to the contrary... thats the state of mind I've been in for the last couple of hours and now I'm moving myself from the stages of helplessness to sadness to finally strength.. trying to remind myself that I will make it! ---------- oh, and you will too.

(((rainbow)))
(I had someone who used to throw lit matches at me too. I thought that was a unique experience until reading your post!)

I think it makes sense that you can't just suddenly make a change of focus. And it really makes sense that you would rather be comforted by T, rather than think about what it felt like to be tormented by your brother! That is a hard place for your mind to go. Defensively and protectively your mind returns quickly to your T, something lovely rather than something demeaning and cruel.

It might feel like if you let your mind go someplace else, you will 'lose' T. But she's there with you all the while.

When you said she had to hold your hand, or else, it sounds like the scared little teased girl rainbow8, asking T to protect and comfort her. To be the adult who is there, not the adult that is 'not home' when protection and comfort were needed.

(((( Rainbow ))))

Oh the frustration and desperation.....I totally understand how you'd want to focus on your relationship and feelings about T because they are so incredibly intense...and you want to get to the other side of this (but are afraid of losing that closeness with T, at the same time)....

You've gotten some great feedback here....and I especially agree with the idea that you are not losing T by focusing on other things in therapy. As frustrating as that is for you, it's helping you.

Maybe you can talk to T about setting aside a certain amount of time in your sessions so you can get what you need from T while still addressing other things...

(((( HUGS ))))

Rainbow, would it be helpful to just accept how you feel about your T, the overwhelming need and dependency? I know how hard and draining the fight can be

Also, what do you get when you talk to her about your relationship and how you feel? For me it's validation and acceptance, which is huge.

"WePow, I've missed you lately. Yes, getting to the roots of my hurt. It's what I want to do but it's what I fight not to do. What a dilemma, isn't it! "

You said it! It isn't easy to do what we need the most to do. And sometimes our pain from what is in those roots can make us wither away from every single relationship we have. But it is something we have to face in order to heal.

For now, You all make me cry. Thank you so much for understanding and support.

Strange, but I just got a very upsetting email from my brother (we've had a good relationship but since my Dad died there have been problems because of his will) and I emailed it to my T. I can't handle it. I don't know what to do and I'm scared. What timing!

I called, left a message for T to call me, and she emailed back that I should call her at 4:30 after work. She said she has a few minutes. That's not enough. Now I have the real problem with my brother, as well as my feelings about the session. I tried meditating for 5 minutes. I don't know what to do. There aren't any answers and I feel depresssed.

Hey Rainbow,

I hope you get something from the call with your therapist

I am going to take a slight change of approach than others in saying that I don't actually think you are wanting to talk about your feelings for your T to avoid talking about the painful things from your past, as I think the transference and the unfulfilled need you have, is just as painful to think about in many ways and it's not pleasant to focus on but painful also.

The really difficult and upsetting part is that the reason you possibily want to talk about the feelings for her, is to somehow find a way to meet the need you have for her to love you. It's almost as though, if you keep telling her how you feel, she might realise how much you want this from her and she wil give it to you?
Unfortunately that hasn't been happening and won't happen, so you can talk about it but you will most likely hear the same answers from her that she has been saying and I think this is why she thinks its best to talk about some of the other issues because she knows that you wont get what you need from talking about the transference.

I am guessing she is hoping that by instead focusing on the issues that initally brought you to therapy that some of your pain will be healed and you will feel stronger and less in need for her to meet the needs inside.

I think its lovely that she holds your hand, this is definately something to be treasured and shows that she thinks highly of you and cares.

I understand your pain hun xxxxxxxxxxxx

((((((Rainbow))))) Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. For the next 24 hours, can you find something that you enjoy to just do for you? No thinking about your brother or your T or anyONE else. Just give yourself a mini-vacation emotionally?

I'm glad everyone is here to support you. I wonder if you updated on a seperate post how your doing!? I hope your doing better! and I agree with Wepow, some things are just Hard and theres not a lot we can do but, wait for the storm to pass, cus' at least we know that after the storm, after the rain comes sunrise... sometimes though, all we can do is wait..for the pain to lessen and the hurt to subside.

jazzy, thanks for asking. I got busy and didn't have time to update! I wish I could have taken WePow's advice, but I didn't. It worked out well, though. I NEEDED to talk to my T and get reassurance that nothing changed between us. I talked to her last night and she told me that. I told her how I felt and she said, no, she wasn't rejecting me, and yes, she still likes me very much. That helped. She did say that she is going to keep trying to get me to find happiness in RL and not have her be so important. She's not going to stop doing that. But, I asked again (I ask her over and over) and told her I'm afraid she'll "take away" holding my hand. She said no, she won't. I asked if we can still go on walks and she said yes.

So, it seems like I read into her behavior and words something that wasn't there. She hasn't changed. She still knows how important she is to me, and that's okay. But the focus has to be on me and how she can help me. I still fight against that, but I know it has to be that way and I am grateful for her firmness about it.

We talked about my brother too. She thinks my relationship with him and his behavior had a big influence on me.

So, I felt better and calmer after the phone call and emailed to tell her that--later. I wish I didn't need her to calm me down, but we both agreed that the session ended too abruptly. I could have gotten that reassurance at the time, but she had someone coming and we had to stop. Usually there is more time at the end. It's not that she didn't want to hug me, either. We talked on the phone about 30 minutes! One thing I like about her is that she doesn't want to hang up after a few minutes like my former T. She used to tell me I was manipulating her when I called. I am SO, SO grateful that I switched Ts and found the one I see now.

Thanks, everyone. Not sure if I will respond individually--I'll try.

((((((Rainbow)))))) I am very glad your T could give you the emotional support you need right now. Tons of hugs!

(((Rainbow))) so sorry your are going through this tough time. I haven't been online much these days but I've been think of you. Hope you find some peace of mind in all this. I can relate to the T relationship and the value we have tied up in that.